Ryan Coke becomes Portage la Prairie's first imaginary mayor in stunning landslide

Portage Makes History Electing First Imaginary Candidate, Ryan Coke, As Mayor

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE –

Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor.  The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor.

After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and satirical CIPP –TV Channel 116, made up radio stations and newspapers, Coke Media Systems owner, Ryan Coke is Portage’s pick as fanciful Mayor.

“The whole thing has been like a dream,” Ryan Coke shared during his acceptance speech.  “I first got in the race to defeat fellow fictional candidate Billy Neepawa but I had no idea I could beat the real candidates.”

Coke is planning to make Portage great again by fulfilling his campaign promise of getting rid of homeliness in Portage.

“First thing Monday morning I will meet with my new City Hall team and we will begin the process of making Portage more attractive by making the ugly people better looking,” Coke offered.  “I’m a shallow, fabricated owner of a make-believe, fictional media empire. No one knows more about making things seem better than they are than me.”

During the campaign, Coke identified only one issue, homeliness in Portage, while others campaigned on social issues, economic growth, Saskatchewan Avenue development and the bridge to Island Park.  The bridge issue seems to have sunk rivals like Billy Neepawa, who was proposing a tunnel in place of the bridge.

Billy Neepawa did not respond to our request for comment.  He was spotted walking his cats late on election night.

Other losing candidates have filed formal complaints of voting irregularities against the Coke campaign.  Coke openly stated on social media he was voting more than once saying, “I am voting early and often” and referred to Election Day as erection day in an attempt at juvenile humour or out of complete ignorance.

Political rivals are also claiming Coke and Neepawa had unfair advantages being fictional candidates who were not limited to reality in their platforms and promises.  According to Coke’s interpretation of the Municipal Act, there is nothing to disqualify imaginary or fictional candidates from running or serving as mayor. 

Coke’s own employees have spoken out against their boss stating boldly he is generally il-equipped for leadership and of poor character, lacking the judgement needed for the office.  All the staff we spoke to, including the writers of this story, voted for Billy Neepawa and believe Coke will do a terrible job.

“Portagers got suckered in by his made up persona,” CIPP TV Sports Director Marshall Law said.  “I think they fell in love with the novelty of this fictional media mogul and what the imaginary mayor stood for.”

“He does a terrible job running this satirical website,” on air host, Rhianna Meeches shared.  “He doesn’t show up most days and misses meetings and is prone to erratic behavior and manic outbursts.  That seems to be the new trend in politics.  His personality disorders make him a very appealing candidate to conservative voters.”

Ryan Coke will lead his first council meeting next month where he plans on passing several self-serving motions containing no tangible benefit.

Photo Credit – Scott Garner

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional, satirical and at times, humorous nature of this story and website.  Portage la Prairie is a real place where they fry a lot of potatoes, eat a lot of fried chicken, drink a lot of beer, warehouses large numbers of humans and have a charming lake and nice park.  Unlike Portage la Prairie this story and website are fanciful and not real.  This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events and people are purely coincidental and a kwinky-dink.  Not many animals were harmed in the creation of this and other content and we caution that you not attempt to trick others into consuming this as real news, real information or even as fake news.  It is not news.  It is fiction.  Plastic plants are fake.  Please use and abuse this content responsibly.  Do not try this at home.  We assume no responsibility for any injury or loss encountered while reading this or any other story on the website and ancillary media devices.  Call your mom and adopt a rescue cat.  Be nice to the losers in your life and do not chew on your pen.

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Trudeau To Celebrate Marijuana Legalization By Taking A Rip From St. Claude’s Giant Pipe Oct. 17

St. Claude, MB –

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is kicking off the legalization of marijuana in a big way.

Trudeau is opting to celebrate in St. Claude Manitoba rather than Ottawa with a special afternoon ceremony at 4:20pm local time.

“There is no more fitting place to mark this historic moment,” Prime Minister Trudeau said,  “We have a bi-lingual town in the middle of Canada that has honoured its ties with France by creating the world’s largest smokable pipe.  This will be the most Canadian way to kick off the legalization of marijuana.”

Local planners buoyed by the influx of funding are planning a day long festival featuring fireworks and concerts.  A diverse line-up of artist will include Bob Dylan, Snoop Dog, Eric Church, Lady Gaga, Lil Wayne, Willie Nelson, Drake and many more.  Special M.C.’s will be Cheech and Chong and a full roster of comedian is coming soon.

“We are thrilled to be the location for this event,” organizer Serge Demers said.  “We had people smoke weed in our big pipe before but never legally and never anyone this famous.”

Trudeau is slated to take the first rip at exactly 4:20pm followed immediately by a CF-18 fly by.  The pipe will be kept lit for up to three hours to allow attenders a chance to sample the new government issue weed free of charge.  A great selection of food trucks and concessions will be on-site all evening.

St. Claude hopes to make the event an annual one.  “Around here we are calling it the 420 on the 240,” Demers explained.  “I think we can move the weed celebration from April 20 to October 17 with the new laws in place.”

“I invite all Canadians to join us in person, on television or through the internet as we celebrate the coming of age of our nation,” Trudeau said in a statement.

More musical and comedy acts will be added to the festival as the date gets closer.

Stay tuned to CIPP-TV and check out the website CIPPTVPortagelaPrairie.com for more details.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – this is a fictional story and a fictional website.  We don’t pretend to be real.  We are not fake news or fake crap.  We are imaginary, like most of our friends.  Click here to read more about this.   

Photo: Alex Guibord – https://www.flickr.com/photos/alexguibord/

Farmers Upset Festival Rock Act “Whole Lotta Angus” Was AC/DC Tribute & Not A Cattle Show

Portage la Prairie, MB –

It was hard to tell who was more surprised, the band or the audience.  The Portage Potato Festival, headline act, “Whole Lotta Angus”, hit the stage to a crowd full of John Deere hats, denim jeans and over sized belt buckles screaming, “Where’s the beef?”

Heavily promoted in the Portage la Prairie area weeks leading up to the festival and the event drew thousands.  Unfortunately, word spread quickly among local cattle producers that it was supposed to be one of the biggest Angus Beef cattle shows of all time due to a “fake news” story promoted through a Russian controlled Facebook page.

“We weren’t expecting some devil-worshipping rock and roll band,” rancher Frank Little said.  “We’re God-fearing cattle producers.  We came to see some nice steers and heifers not some spawns of Satan.”

Used to playing to receptive and energized audiences at rural casinos and festivals, Whole Lotta Angus was shocked by the lack of energy in the Portage crowd when they started with “Shoot to Thrill”.

“It pisses me off that some idiot would write a fake news story and trick people into thinking we were a cattle show,” lead singing Blair Sokowski said.  “It’s complete bull s@#*.”

After the rocky start, both the band and the crowd warmed up to each other.  Whole Lotta Angus dropped their AC/DC set list after three songs and began to play some well-received Garth Brooks covers.

“We used to do Garth cover tunes in our previous band “Whole Lotta Garth”,” Sokowski explained.  “After all, country music is just bad rock.  It wasn’t a hard adjustment.”

The cattlemen began to cheer after the band transitioned from “Thunderstruck” to “When the Thunder Rolls” and was singing along when the band played “Friends in Low Places.”

The festival board intends to be clearer in its advertising next year and promises to clamp down on fake news stories used to mislead potential attendees.

The cattle producers were won over by the end of the night and hope to make the Portage Potato Festival a yearly destination.

Notice to reader/disclaimer about this being satire and possibly funny.

Photo:Stefan Schmitz – https://www.flickr.com/photos/stefanschmitz/

Lack of funeral announcements frustrate local senior Udo Dirkschneider

Local Senior Frustrated By Lack of Funeral Announcements On Local Radio Station Launches Formal Complaint 

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Every morning for 20 years, Udo Dirkschneider brews a cup of coffee, makes some toast and sits at his kitchen table at 8:45 am to listen to the funeral announcements on CIPP 980 AM, but lately he has grown frustrated with the radio station.

“Four days in a row for each of the last two weeks there hasn’t been one new funeral announcement,” Irma Dirkschneider, Udo’s wife of 58 years explained.  “Udo got so mad last Wednesday he threw his coffee cup at the radio and broke it.  The cup, not the radio.”

Dirkschneider is complaining CIPP 980 AM has reduced the number and quality of local funeral announcements since it was taken over by Coke Media Services and made part of the Manitoba Broadcast Network.

“It used to be that I could hear a good half-dozen local deaths each morning,” Udo Dirkschneider explained.  “In the last few years they keep cutting back.  Now all I hear is ‘there are not funeral announcements today’.  Well, why the hell not?  There has always been funeral announcements.”

“Udo looks so forward to the deaths each morning,” Mrs. Dirkschneider shared.  “It helps him start his day on a positive note but when the radio station says there isn’t any funeral announcements, it ruins his day.”

The Portage senior is upset with the lack of commitment from the radio station to provide daily local funeral announcements and is taking his complaint to the federal regulator, the CRTC.

“I’ve already called the CRTC and they are going to launch an investigation to get this fixed,” Dirkschneider said.  “980 AM will be in big trouble for short-changing Portage on death announcements.”

CIPP 980 AM owner, Ryan Coke responded to the complaint in a statement.  “CIPP 980 AM provides excellence in local funeral coverage and will continue to do so.  In the event when there are no deaths CIPP will continue to announce there are none.  We feel it is important to remind Portagers that not every day ends in death.”

The CRTC is reviewing the matter but voiced some immediate concerns.  “Mr. Dirkschneider has raised a valid issue.  Over the last number of years, CIPP has been reducing the overall number of funeral announcements and that is troubling for local listeners who rely on the somber segment each morning.  While the station says, it is related to the fact there are no local deaths to announce the CRTC is not convinced this is a legitimate reason.  We’d like to see CIPP step up with more funeral announcements on the days they are now running none.”

Station owner, Ryan Coke promised to look at the matter and discuss it with his news director to see if they can generate more death announcements.

“In the end we have to keep the CRTC happy or they will take away our license,” Coke said.  “Either the death rate will have to increase or we will have to do what it takes to generate daily death notices.”

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal notices.  This story is fictional and satirical as is the website in its entirety.  Humour is not for everyone, please use responsibly.  Fictional means made up, not real while satirical implies funny but this is not always the case.  Warning, not all the stories on this website are funny to all viewers.  Every attempt has been made to achieve a laugh or happy grunt but these attempts are nor always successful.  Please continue to return to this website daily to find our latest stab at tickling you where it makes you chuckle.  Tell your friends about us but please do not share with your mother.  Please follow all the advice of the Canada Food Guide and always wear a condom.  Help a friend, walk a dog, pet a cat and talk to a bird.  Your mother is afraid of us.  You were warned.  Obey the rules of the road and do not light fires.

Photo Credit – Paul Waite

Parents can no longer enjoy the same lifestyle and ability to spend as their children

Parents Can Now Only Dream About Having Their Teen’s Lifestyle & Spending Power

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Forget the Jones’, moms and dads are finding it harder to keep up with the kid’s lifestyles than ever before according to new government stats.

7 out of 10 parents, or 70% of adults with children can no longer afford the lifestyle their kids enjoy.

“We found that the disposable income of working adult parents has not kept up with the spending of their corresponding children,” head statistician Genevieve Meeches said.  “Even kids at home with no jobs are getting to spend more on items like eating out, clothes, entertainment and vacations than their parents.”

The government is promising to look at economic assistance programs and tax breaks to help parents close the wealth gap with their children.

On average, a teen living at home spends $1,232.00 a month on items solely for their own enjoyment and entertainment while the average parent spends $378 on the same things.

“Children are enjoying unprecedented levels of wealth when it comes to disposable income,” Meeches explained.  “Essentially all the money they have they get to spend on themselves while parents have the unfortunate burden of mortgages, car payments, tuition, utilities, credit card bills and repair bills.”

The report shows parents now have to say no to things like eating out, spending money on entertainment and must drive older vehicles just to survive.  Many times parents are forced to save for things their children freely enjoy.

The economic gap between the spending power of teens and their parents is at an all-time high and growing each year.

“If the government doesn’t step in to help parents they may soon never be able to afford the lifestyle so many teens enjoy,” Meeches warned.

“As a parent of three teenagers I have felt the pain of not being able to do the things I see my kids do every week,” Portage la Prairie parent Jules Vernon explained.  “We just can’t go to all the parties, concerts and wear the latest clothes anymore.  It does hurt that we see our kids be able to do these things while we can’t. ”

“It’s not fair at all,” Portager Peter Rasmussen offered.  “People living under the same roof shouldn’t have to endure such wealth disparity.  It’s time the government did something to correct this.”

“I wish I had it as good as my kids,” mother of two, Tracy Bergson said.  “I work 60 hours a week and get to spend about fifty bucks on myself.  My kids go to school when they feel like it and spend about 250 dollars a week on food and video games.”

Parents in Portage la Prairie are considering staging protests to raise awareness.  A march and sit in will call on all levels of government to act to close the gap.

“Some might say the parents have caused the problem themselves by giving their children so much without expecting them to earn money themselves but that would be an oversimplification,” Meeches said.  “This is a complex problem with many layers and issues to look at.  Kids have a certain expectation nowadays and there are severe social pressures.  This problem will take a long time and an abundance of money to solve.”

Photo Credit – Eric E. Castro

Notice to readers – Click here to read the full disclaimer, disclosure and other well fleshed out legal statements.  If you are confused about the fictional and satirical nature of the story and website then you may be in trouble on many levels.  This means what you have read is made up, not real, fanciful intended for your delight and entertainment.  The authors of this and other stories find them funny.  We acknowledge others may not find them humourous at all.  You can be guaranteed the creators of the website found the idea for the story funny and perhaps the entire article.  Please give your kid a hug today if your are troubled by the content you have just consumed.  Kids are people too.  Let’s all work together to close the economic gaps in our own homes.  Pay your taxes, walk your dog, feed the fish and stop complaining so much.  Negativity is bad for your health. Long live the Queen.

 

 

The Portage Church had members of its congregation experience time related anxiety

Congregation Stressed As Church Service Runs Late: Band Can’t Find Ending of Song

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Worshippers at The Portage Church experienced hunger pains and time-related anxiety when their Sunday service didn’t end until 12:30pm on Sunday morning.

With about five minutes left in the hour-long service, the worship band took the stage for the final number.  That would normally be more than enough time for the song and the pastor’s final prayer but here was a mix up between the person running the power point and the band leader causing the final verse of the song to be lost.

The local congregation eliminated hymnals over a decade ago but never thought something this terrible could occur.

“I’ve never been part of anything like this before,” church member Mark Mywords said.  “Once we got to quarter after twelve I thought something was wrong. “

“My tummy started to hurt ten minutes into the song,” Marion Mooney said.  “It was a new song I hadn’t sung before so I didn’t know what to do.  It was all so disturbing.  Church shouldn’t be disturbing.”

No one from the church would comment on the record but they did confirm there was a problem with the last song and the service was delayed.

Sources from the church claim the band leader and the audio/video tech person were being disciplined by being asked to serve in kid’s church indefinitely.

Since the incident, The Portage Church has seen a drop in attendance with many people staying home to manage the time-related anxiety sparked by the lengthy service.  Those who are attending have been seen bringing in snacks and bottled water in case the service should go long again.

Worship Pastor, Max E. Mum offered reassurances to congregants.  “Although modern worship music is often repetitive and hypnotic, we will make sure we can find the ending to all songs we perform and that musicians, singers and tech people are all aware of the ending.”

Photo Credit – cbcmemberphotos2477

Notice to readers:  Click here to read the full disclaimer, disclosure and important legal statements.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of childish humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like cats and dogs.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.  Stop picking at it.  If it bleeds it leads.

 

Portage potato festival on the rocks due to protests

Portage May Lose Potato Festival As Manitoba Towns Fight Over World’s Sexiest Vegetable

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Potatoes are sexy and they know it, and it seems everyone wants in on the action.

For years, Portage la Prairie has been the home of the Potato Festival but neighbouring communities are mounting a legal challenge to change that.

The battle for the tuber has never been greater as Winkler, Carman and Carberry have filed a class-action lawsuit against Portage la Prairie over the right to hold a celebration of the potato.

Their claim is centred around their demands the potato be honoured more fully and completely.

“Portage has two big fry factories, they’re a big player but the potato is bigger than that,” legal challenger Steve Penner of Carman said.  “But places like Carman, Winkler and certainly Carberry are huge players in the potato industry.  We should have a say and we think much more needs to be done for the potato.”

Normally Portage keeps the Potato Festival low key with free fries, some bouncy castles, slow-pitch tournament, local entertainers and a Canadian country music headliner to round out the event.  This approach has caused rivals to try and muscle in on the potato title.

“Potatoes are the sexiest vegetables ever,” Penner said.  “You can do anything with them, not just fry them.”

Penner and the group behind the lawsuit claim they would better represent the potato by offering baked, mashed, and over roasted samples free of charge.  Their plans would also include a hash brown eating contest, a potato king and queen pageant, an interactive kids potato dig, funniest looking potato contest, potato head decorating competition and soup making classes.

“We love potatoes so much and we want to show the world what they have to offer,” Penner explained.  “No other vegetable can do so much and we just want to give something back to honour it.”

The courts will not be able to hear the case until later this year so the current Portage Potato Festival will be unaffected but future ones could be in jeopardy.

“Even if we aren’t successful in getting the rights to the Potato Festival we will look at doing something under a different name,” Penner said.

Rumoured alternative names include Potato Party, Potato Extravaganza, Potato Palooza, and Potato Mania.

Portage organizers aren’t worried about competition for the love of the potato.

“We know everybody loves the potato but there will only be one true home for the Potato Festival, and that is Portage la Prairie,” organizer James Thompson said.

“While they worry about taking us to court we just might test some of their ideas along with adding a few twists of our own,” Thompson said.

This year’s festival goes Friday August 10 and Saturday August 11 and will be monitored closely by visitors from Winkler, Carberry and Carman to make sure the potato is celebrated properly.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the reality of this story being fictional along with the website.  This is satire, humour, funny, ha-ha not fake or real news.  If you can’t tell that without reading this you may be in trouble.  Have a great day and remember to eat your potatoes.

Photo: Henry Burrows – https://www.flickr.com/photos/foilman/