PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – Easter left many Portage children disappointed and the Easter Bunny dead as local Sasquatches went on a rabbit eating spree.
“We started getting calls late Saturday nigh into Sunday morning,” police spokesperson Janelle Printers said. “People were saying local Sasquatches were ripping around Portage, catching and eating rabbits.”
Officials have speculated the Sasquatches were drunk on all the beer that was taken from North-End Jimmy’s a few days ago.
“They tend to go on feeding frenzies when they go on a bender,” Printers said. “It was real bad timing this year with the Easter Bunny arriving in the early morning hours of Sunday.”
It is thought the Easter Bunny arrived at approximately 2:00am in the East-End of Portage and was soon pursued by a group of four adolescent Sasquatches.
“No Easter eggs were handed out this year as the Squatches appeared to have killed and consumed the Easter Bunny early Sunday morning,” Printers said. “We found a large amount of white fur next to an assortment of chocolate treats on Saskatchewan Avenue and 5th Street.”
Alcohol, Sasquatches and Easter Bunnies are a deadly combination, although authorities point out there appears to be no malice behind the attack.
“The Sasquatches wouldn’t have known they were attacking and eating the Easter Bunny and likely just got caught up in the rabbit eating,” Printers explained. “Every few years they seem to get into a local stash of booze and go on a tear. Rabbits are usually their favourite target. We’ve never had this happen around Easter before. It’s an unfortunate set of circumstances.”
Facebook was riddled with posts from local parents bemoaning the fact their children were left high and dry on Easter morning. Many voiced their growing frustration over the increasing number of Sasquatch incidents in Portage.
Police and civic officials met with the Sasquatch leaders and requested they remain in the Island Park and KoKo Platz areas and not to bother citizens outside these areas.
Spring is mating season for the Sasquatch and Portagers are reminded the warm weather will bring more Sasquatch activity and energy.
This fall’s annual Sasquatch Wrestling Season is still a go and tickets will go on sale in the coming weeks. A list of Hollywood celebrities attending this year will be announced by June. Rob Lowe will not be attending again this year due to the production schedule on his hit new show.
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