Portage la Prairie gets rid of Minimum wage and replaces with maximum wage of $16/hour

Portage la Prairie Dumps Min. Wage For New Maximum Wage Of $16/Hour

Portage la Prairie, MB – Local low wages hold the key to financial prosperity.  A local economic advocate, Kent Dueck, is looking to turn a perceived weakness into Portage la Prairie’s biggest asset.

Dueck spotted an opportunity with Portage’s long history of household incomes lower than the national average.  “We shouldn’t sit here and moan about how little Portagers make.  We should embrace our low wage reality and then leverage it for our gain,” Dueck said.

Dueck and his partners are lobbying to have Portage become a test market for their revolutionary economic concept that’s gaining attention and support from national and international businesses

“Portage is the perfect place to do this,” Willy Dueck said.  “A small town with a high percentage of low-wage earners.  We feel this market would embrace the new economic and social model.  Right now everyone is looking at ways to increase things like minimum wage.  The real opportunity is in doing the opposite.”

The new paradigm is being hailed as “The Maximum Wage” and would rid Portage la Prairie of minimum wage requirements and replace it with a $16 Maximum Wage limitation.

“Studies have shown that people work best when faced with the right motivation.  Studies have also proved that somewhere around $15 an hour for full-time work is the amount needed to provide the very basics of a life,” Mike Dueck, partner in the project said.  “Our initiative would get rid of the stigma of “minimum wage”.  Nobody likes to work for the very least they can be paid legally.  People making the Maximum Wage will feel much better about themselves.”

The trio believes the new Maximum Wage will draw a high level of interest from manufacturing, retail and service based employers to the city, bringing thousands more low-wage jobs to Portage.

“What was once a problem of low-wages will be turned into the solution,” Mike Dueck said.  “By keeping wages just above the poverty line and offering little to no pension or benefits, people will be motivated to show up for work every day, continue working well into retirement, accept overtime, take fewer holidays and sick days. “

With most of its citizens making a similar amount of money, the city stands to gain socially by not having to deal with issues of economic and class disparity.  “It’ll almost be utopian.  No one will be burdened with trying to keep up the “Joneses”.  They’ll all just be barely getting by, but everyone will be in the same boat.  So instead of complaining, they’ll just keep rowing because if they stop rowing and start complaining the boat will sink and everyone will die,” Willy Dueck offered.

News of the pilot project is already attracting interest from companies looking to lower their operating costs.  “Targeting existing categories like retail, fast-food and Christian ministry groups, who already embrace the low-wage model will be the starting point,” Kent Dueck shared.  “Large-scale manufacturers currently operating off-shore will be drawn to this economic environment like moths to a flame.  Wages in China and most of Asia are climbing and this will give us a leg up because nobody but us can guarantee a Maximum Wage.”

With the abolishment of a minimum wage, employers of any kind will be allowed to offer workers whatever wage the market will bear and Mike Dueck isn’t worried about any potential exploitation by employers.  “Certainly not, I mean if someone doesn’t want to work for a specific wage then it’s their choice not to, after all, they’re not slaves.  They can always try improving their skills and get a better paying job and leave lower paying jobs for those desperate and needy enough to come here for that kind of work.  It’s a win–win.”

The Maximum Wage initiative is being heralded by economists as a potential game changer.  The cost certainty on one of their major inputs, and the ability to set however low a wage they want to, is a business’s dream.  Social activists are opposed to the plan but were not available for comment at press time.

“Sure, some might not like everything about this plan,” Willy Dueck admitted.  “But we have to ask ourselves what kind of city we want.  Do we want a city that increases wages and drives business away or a place that has a Maximum Wage that attracts opportunity?  In less than a generation we could see the population grow to over 100,000 people.  If people want Portage to stay at 13,000 forever then keep doing what you’re doing.”

Once the plan gains local, provincial and national approval it will come into being, generating a much-needed boost to the local economy.

Photo Credit – Oliver DelaCruz

Notice to readers/disclaimer:  Click here to read the full disclaimer and legal disclosures.  This story is based on the musings of our writing team and has no foundation in reality.  A cat with a brain tumour, suggestions from an algorithm along with unconfirmed, unreliable, unreasonable sources provide the foundation for this story.  Oh, and also sarcasm, satire and infantile minds.  Some facts and places may resemble reality but the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some events and characters may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour.  This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  We ate Fruit Loops.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  No animals were harmed in the creation of this content.  We don’t own a dictionary.  It’s not our fault.

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Portage la Prairie City Hall bell sold to Taco Bell restuarant

City Of Portage Sells City Hall Bell To Bring Taco Bell To Town

Excitement is growing amongst Taco Bell enthusiasts.
Excitement is growing amongst Taco Bell enthusiasts. Portager, Harry Enns, shows off his newly inked commemorative tattoo.

Portage la Prairie, MB – Portagers will soon have their bell rung by a Mexican, fast-food icon three times a day.

Along with opening a long-awaited franchise, Taco Bell will revive interest and excitement in our city’s historic bell.

Portage lost a special part of its character when the new, virtually silent version of the bell was installed.  For generations, the bell rang out several times a day, and could be heard in every corner of town but now it is a quiet hint to a glorious past.

Once open in a few short months, Taco Bell will crank up the volume and reclaim the bells original sound. The Mexican fast-food market leader will clang the old City Hall bell at noon, 6pm and 9pm each and every day.

“We looked at coming to Portage for years, but when we heard the city was willing to sell the bell we knew we had a great marketing tool,” Taco Bell spokesperson, Jeanette Akenja-Nearing said.

“The old City Hall bell has such a history in Portage.  People used to mark their day by its ringing.  Now they can do the same again and hopefully think of our restaurant.”

Local fans of Mexican cuisine are excited about the new eatery and the resurrected bell.  “Every time I hear the bell at noon and supper I can make a run for the border,” Portager, Joanna Hand said.  “Then when I hear the bell at 9 at night I’ll make a run for the bathroom.  It’ll be like my trips to Mexico.”

The taco chain was able to buy the bell for $10,000.00 from the City of Portage who will use the money to fix the waste water treatment facility.

Taco Bell plans on mounting and displaying the bell outside the front of the restaurant on a twenty-foot high bell tower.  Once the new location is completed, Taco Bell will be shooting a series of television commercials to be aired nationally featuring the old City Hall bell.

Notice to readers/disclaimer:  Click here to read the full disclaimer and other legal statements and explanations. Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of childish humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like cats and dogs.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.  Stop picking at it.  If it bleeds it leads.

Portage la Prairie Must Chop Down Trees To Keep Its Name

Portage la Prairie Must Chop Down Trees To Keep Its Name

Portage la Prairie, MB – The axe is about to fall on a big decision at City Hall.  The City of Portage la Prairie must choose between chopping down trees or having to drop the reference to “prairie” in its name.

The Canadian Council For The Enforcement Of Accurate Place Names, a fresh initiative of the government, has informed city council they are out of compliance and must take immediate action on the problem.  Failure to comply could result in stiff penalties including fines, removal from maps and being assigned a more accurate and boring place-name.

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In the good old days a prairie was a prairie.

“By definition, a prairie is a flat, treeless area,” said Wendy Bottom, Vice President of Enforcement for the CCEAP.  “We have a clear mandate to make sure place names are not misleading.  There are far too many trees here to be considered a prairie.”

While the CCEAP has no issue with the reference to Portage, it does take a hard-line on the city masquerading as a prairie.

“We understand and acknowledge people have been burdened and carrying stuff here for decades.  But it’s clear by the number of mature trees, this isn’t, and never has been a prairie,” explained Bottom.  “It’s bad enough to portray yourselves as a French town, but your improper anglicized pronunciation will leave no doubt you are not sophisticated enough to be French.”

City Hall will now have to choose between deforestation and a costly name change.  The best option seems to be to start cutting.

“We feel the city should start logging immediately and continue to approve developments that involve mass removal of trees.  That way, they can achieve compliance quicker,” offered Bottom.

Portagers seem split on the issue.  “I think we have to cut the trees down.  I don’t want to be called a Portager,” said Alex Walters.

“This is ridiculous,” said Mary Hendrix.  “Screw the prairie, I don’t want to lose the trees.  Who the hell wants to live on a prairie?”

“We have no preference other than compliance,” said Bottom.  “Place names must be accurate.  We are currently conducting an investigation in Gladstone to see if the rocks are happy or not.  Oakville will have to meet a quota of oak trees.  High Bluff will have to maintain a minimum height on it’s trees and Edwin will have to have at least two Edwins residing there if they hope to keep their name.”

The timing of the ruling compounds growing civic headaches for City Council as they also must struggle with what to do with the separatist enclave, KoKo Platz  The City of Portage la Prairie seems destined to be changed forever.  Sources claim optional names being considered include Portage, Farmville, Crescent Lake City, Terrier Town, The Brown Lagoon, Spudsville, Forage la Forest and Frymakingplace.

Photo Credit – City of Detroit

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read the full legal disclaimer and other important, albeit mundane legal statements.  Please be advised the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of humans.  Interstellar aliens have no direct influence on our editorial decisions.  Some facts and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some events and characters may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  We believe children are our future and our greatest natural renewable resource next to methane gas from the sewage plant.

Portage man wastes time at work by reading the entire internet

Man Finishes Reading The Entire Internet On Company Time In Just 8 Years

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

Jordan Miller started by just checking his Facebook and Twitter accounts during coffee and lunch breaks but after scaling up the amount of time he wasted time online, he has finally achieved his goal.  Miller has finished reading the entire internet and is now at a crossroads.

“I didn’t start out wanting to read the whole internet,” Miller said.  “I was just killing time on my breaks and found it easier and easier to spend my work day reading stuff on the web.  It got so crazy I was putting in a couple of hours of overtime a day reading random shit on the internet.”

Miller’s employer Mach 4 Enterprises & Logistics had no idea their employee was working on such an enormous project.  Mach 4 owner Bryce Dumont thought Miller was one of his best employees.

“Jordan is a great guy,” Dumont shared.  “He always seemed to keep to himself but he showed up early everyday and didn’t create any problems for us.  He is practically an ideal worker apart from the fact he didn’t do anything for eight years.”

The company is keeping Miller on after his admission to reading the entire internet on company time.

“I appreciate that they weren’t mad at me,” Miller offered.  “But now I know just about everything so I can be a real asset.”

“We’ve got a lot invested in Jordan,” Dumont said.  “We’ll use him in a consulting role to help grow our business.”

Miller feels his time spent reading the internet will aid his career and has made him a better person.

“After reading everything I see the world much differently,” Miller explained.  “I didn’t know much about medicine, relationships or politics but now I know everything.  Even reading all the conspiracy theories and message boards helped me understand more of the world around me.”  Miller nows enjoys a robust social life by offering staunch opinions and unsolicited medical advice at work and parties.

Miller is the first known Portager to have finished reading the internet but there is a middle-aged single woman in Mellenville who is about 90% done, a tall, pebble-faced high school student who has passed the 80% mark along with a retired farmer living alone on Alfred Avenue who has completed the dark web and 75% of the regular internet.

After completing the internet Miller is now going to finish reading the Bible and the whole Portage la Prairie Library including periodicals and archives.

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and disclosure about the fictional, satirical, magical and delightful nature of this story and website along with legal disclosures about many a thing.  CIPP TV isn’t real beyond this stupid website meaning it doesn’t exist outside the minds of its creators and consumers.  At times, it is metaphorical but never physical.  Jordan Miller is a made up person as his accomplishment of reading the entire internet.  It is highly doubtful anyone could read the whole World Wide Web because so much is added daily and most people only have 2 or less eyeballs.  Although it is plausible that someone could waste a total of 8 years at work doing nothing it is unlikely they would be able to complete even a majority of the internet in that time.  While many people appear to be trying to read the whole thing by the amount of time they spend staring at their phone, it is doubtful anyone will accomplish this without the aid of cyber-helpers.  Keep your head up and your heart full.

Photo Credit – Piratska Strana

First Canadian bank to pay those in debt and punish savers by charging them.

Portage Bank First In Canada To Pay Those In Debt & Charge People For Saving

Portage la Prairie, MB  – A new financial institution is setting up shop promising to reward people who owe money and charge those with money  in the bank.

The newly formed, Financial Union of Portage will launch later this month with plans to be a market leader in Canada by brining consumers negative interest rates.  Already in use in countries like Sweden and Switzerland and hinted at by The Bank of Canada, negative interest rates look to revolutionize the financial industry and F.U. Portage wants to be at the leading edge.

“More and more Canadians are growing their debt,” F.U. Portage President, Ella Fino said.  “We think we have a product that will be very attractive to most people.”

Offering negative interest rates, the new institution will allow those in debt to get a needed break.

“We think we have a solution to the cycle of debt,” Fino said.  “We want to turn the lending system on its head.  Now those in debt will see a payment each month for the moneys they owe.  Instead of owing more they will actually owe less.”

Rewarding those putting money back into the economy is the aim of the negative interest initiative.  Costumers will get paid up to 1.5% on the money they borrow while other customers will pay 1.5% to keep their money in the bank.

“The economy has stalled and this will help.  People will now be able to get further ahead by going further into debt.  Portagers will be the first to be able to buy a bigger home, nicer car or go on lavish vacations and not worry about how they will pay it back.  The more debt they pile up the more money they’ll get paid,” Fino said.

“Those who already have a lot of money saved up will be the ones getting charged 1.5%.  It makes way more sense to have those who can afford to pay interest pay it.  It’s time to reward the spenders because they are the drivers to the economy.”

Portage la Prairie will be the first community in Canada to experiment with the new negative interest rate idea that has caught on in some European countries.  “Portage was seen as the perfect place to start since it loves to entertain all manner of possibilities.  That and most of its citizens are up to their eyeballs in debt,” Fino offered.

F. U. Portage is hoping to get final government support in the coming days and will be opening its doors in the Portage la Prairie Mall shortly after.  With the Canadian government looking favourably at negative interest rates as a way to stimulate the economy, F.U. Portage  is confident it will clear all regulatory hurdles quickly.

“Once we are ready to go, F.U. Portage could become the next big bank in Canada within 10 years.”

Photo Credit – Ryan Forsythe

Notice to readers:  Click here to read the full disclaimer.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of childish humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like cats and dogs.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.  Stop picking at it.  If it bleeds it leads.

New soup factory for Portage la Prairie

New Soup Factory Being Built In Portage la Prairie

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB

Unconfirmed sources have provided unsubstantiated reports that a new food processor has set up shop in Portage la Prairie.

Fictional figures, with close ties to the imaginary project, claim a new soup factory is being built and tested on the south edge of the city.

“When driving by Portage on the south by-pass we noticed a familiar odour,” explained Frank, an imaginary tourist from California.  “We thought a local restaurant was making soup so we took the Southport exit into town looking to get a bowl.”

IMG_1405The fictional soup plant has been cooking up the comfort food and shipping it out in tanker trucks accounting for the familiar odour wafting from the south part of the city on warm summer nights.  It has been attracting passers-by and making Portage la Prairians hungry.

“It’s a great idea.  Having a soup factory next to the highway and sub-division.  It will really attract people to come into town.  If the aroma of fries doesn’t get you first the odour of soup will seal the deal,” said imaginary Portage resident Phil.

Although there has been no official word or reports from local, credible, media outlets the sight of tanker trucks leaving the facility and the large holding tanks do indicate something is being produced at the location. The large flame, easily seen at night, may also indicate a new line of BBQ soup flavours are in development.

Portage has a proud history of soup production and could once again become a hub for soup production.  “I remember living in the north end in the 80’s.  They’d be cooking onion soup and we could smell it everywhere.  It was great.  I still eat a lot of soup,” recalls Phil.

The Portage area lost its soup factory in the 90’s so the new processor is a welcome, albeit fictional, addition to the local economy.IMG_1406

“We are looking into attracting further soup development by changing the city slogan,” said an imaginary local official.  “City of possibilities could be scrapped for, “Is somebody making soup?” if that’s what it takes to attract business.”

Officials from the non-existent plant are quick to warn local officials about getting too involved in their business.  “Too many cooks can spoil the soup,” they said.

Regardless, the aroma therapy from their plant alone out-weighs any negatives associated with the project.  Progress is possible in the city of possibilities that is proud of its past and primed for the future.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – this is a fictional story and a fictional website.  We don’t pretend to be real.  We are not fake news or fake crap.  We are imaginary, like most of our friends.  Click here to read more about this.  No one really knows why this website exists or if anyone thinks this is the least bit funny or entertaining.  The mental health of the creators of this site may be in question.  Vegetables and brown beans forever!

 

Photo credit of feature image – Paul Sableman

Boss eats employees half finished bagel during meeting

Woman Horrified After Boss Finishes Her Half-Eaten Bagel During Meeting

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB- 

Tamara Wright thought she had seen pretty much every thing from her boss, but when she witnessed him grab her partially eaten bagel and stuff it in his mouth, she was dumfounded.

“I’ve seen him do a lot of strange things over the years but this move was off the charts,” Wright said.  “What kind of weirdo would eat food you’ve already bitten into?”

The mysterious play for her bagel happened during a weekly department head meeting when her boss Kent Allenson, arrived late and hi-jacked the meeting.

“He often shows up late and starts talking over everyone,” Wright explained.  “He thinks by talking loud and interrupting we won’t notice he is late.”

While pontificating vigorously he became distracted by his own rhetoric and spotted the partially eaten onion bagel with cream cheese sitting on a plate next to Wright.

“He glanced at it a couple of times while he was droning on about some random nonsense.  In mid sentence he grabbed the bagel and took a bite,” Wright said.  “I thought he would realize his mistake and put it back but he hung onto it and finished it off in three bites.”

The meeting lasted another forty-five minutes until Allenson ran out of energy and interest until he congratulated himself by saying, “I did good!  We are done.”

“He often ends our meetings that way,” Wright said.  “We never know what they are about, there is never an agenda, it’s just Allenson holding court for an hour.”

Allenson provided no indication he was aware of the social and food safety faux pas during the entire meeting.  He declined to return our multiple requests for an interview.

“He never returns calls or texts,” Wright said.  “When you finally track him down he always has some crazy made-up excuse.”

Numerous employees at Allenson Adventures Inc. say Allenson is prone to erratic behaviour like wearing two left shoes, forgetting to comb his hair, going bare foot around the office and constantly wearing other people’s jackets.

“He wore my winter coat home last year at Christmas,” Wright said.  “It was a woman’s full length coat.  The only thing resembling his jacket was the colour.  He wore a long woman’s coat home without noticing.  Yeah, that kind of sums up the kind of idiot he is.”

“It’s like going to the circus every day and watching the clowns,” an employee requesting anonymity shared.  “He stumbles and bumbles his way through this place yelling about random things in a high-pitched voice.  His normal speaking voice isn’t high but the more he talks the more he lies and the higher his voice gets.”

“You always can tell when he’s lying,” Wright shared.  “It’s when he opens his mouth.”

A.A. Inc. staff are accustomed to the over promise and under deliver style of management their owner employs.  Most long-term staff stay for the money and entertainment.

“I have no idea how we make any money but its good for laughs,” an anonymous employee said.  “The best part is negotiating raises with him.  You don’t have to say anything in your review.  You just sit there and Kent will keep throwing money at you until you let him feel good about himself.”

Surprisingly, morale at A.A. Inc. is relatively high considering the leadership style of its owner.  Staff attribute the good morale to the fact there is little to no expectations placed on them, numerous perks and freebies, with no accountability.

“We can pretty much do what we want around here.  Allenson doesn’t care or doesn’t notice.  It’s great!”

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Photo Credit – Rio Werner Hauser