Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more than you may want to about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so do not get all upset and thinkin’ it’s real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded, odd friends.  Do not trick other people into believing this is real.  Have fun, stay young, drink Papsi.  Don’t take offense to our making fun of Mennonites.  We are allowed to do that because key members of the staff are part of that gene pool.  We can’t make fun of other races or people groups as easily, although we may take a run at it from time to time.  Call your mom. Adopt a rescue cat.  Look at the trees and wash your hands after you wipe your bum.

 

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Patrik Laine rollerblades in Amish country

Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 

The beard is weird, but it has gained notoriety and popularity as the Finnisher, Patrik Laine piles up the goals this NHL season.  During the current Winnipeg Jets road trip, Laine decided to strap on some rollerblades and visit the Amish farms around Lancaster Pennsylvania after being invited by local elders.

“We see Patrik as a role model for our young men,” Elder Isaac Stoltzfus said.  “Normally an Amish man would not grow a beard like Mr. Laine’s until after being wed, but we approve of Patrik’s beard.”

The Amish of Lancaster Pennsylvania are grateful Laine has made the Amish beard style trendy, relevant and more acceptable in the secular culture.

*Read About The Origins Of Patrik Laine’s Beard*

*Read About Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Trend To Care For Adult Children*

*Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

“We invited him to come spend the day with us and were excited he agreed,” Stoltzfus explained.  “We have several young women we’d like to introduce to Patrik as a possible wife for him.”

While in the Lancaster area, Laine strapped on the rollerblades and enjoyed the countryside to the delight of his Amish admirers.

“I’m not going to lie,” Laine said.  “I love all the beards and the Amish ladies are very cute but I don’t think I can accept their offer to join them.  I don’t mind the horse and buggy stuff but they don’t have Wi-Fi or electricity so I can’t play video games.  That is pretty much a deal breaker for me.”

Amish elders keen on seeing Laine join their flock said they would consider using electricity and the internet if it meant the Finnish hockey superstar would spend his summers among them.

“If Patrik found an agreeable Amish woman to be his wife we could see about adding electricity and Wi-Fi so he could join us,” Stoltzfus said.  “We don’t normally add worldly things like that to our farms but Patrik is special so we might consider it.”

Nikolaj Ehlers, Laine’s best friend on the Winnipeg Jets, was also invited to tag along.  Amish elders feel he has potential for Amish membership if he would embrace his beard more enthusiastically.

“Nik has a lot of appeal among the Amish ladies as well.  He might catch up to Patrik if he would let his beard grow longer,” Stoltzfus said.

Ehlers and Laine both enjoyed their time among their growing base of Amish fans and promised to visit them again.  Neither would comment on whether they found a suitable partner among the group of Amish women they met.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Darcy Johnson

Amish and Mennonite fans go to see Patrik Laine play with the Jets in Philadelphia against the Flyers

Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

LANCASTER, PA – 

The most popular hockey player among Pennsylvania Dutch, Amish and Mennonite fans from the Lancaster area is playing in Philadelphia and highways are clogged with horse and buggies full of fans slowly making their way to the game.  Pennsylvania Highway 30 will be most affected by the increased traffic.

“We are cautioning regular motorists to be aware of delays and to avoid the area until this caravan of Patrik Laine fans make it to Philadelphia,” Highway Patrol Officer, John Wood warned.  “We’ve never seen this big of an Amish migration at one time before.”

Wells Fargo Centre will be a sea of black hats and white bonnets.  Amish and Mennonite fans from as far away as Lancaster and Harrisburg staring snapping up tickets last month. Demand became so high scalper could charge up to $1,500 per ticket to Saturday’s NHL game between the Winnipeg Jets and Philadelphia Flyers.  Many of the ticket buyers are opting to trade vast amounts of baked goods, blankets, quilts, eggs, live poultry and some pigs for tickets.

Normally after market tickets are sold online or near the rink but for this game, sellers are setting up roadside stands to exchange their seats for a variety of Amish and Mennonite goods.

After Patrik Laine scored a hat trick in New York a few days ago, many Amish men are hopeful they will be able to toss their iconic black hat onto the ice when they see their hero live in person.

“We have to go into town to watch the Jets games,” Jacob Beiler from Lancaster said.  “We love Patrik Laine.  The young single women adore his beard.  In many ways he has made all Amish men more desirable.”

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

*Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

To many Amish and Mennonite fans from Pennsylvania, the fact Winnipeg has embraced the beard wielding Finn, has them interested in re-locating to the Manitoba capital.

“Winnipeg must be some kind of wonderful place if an Amish looking kid like Patrik can be considered a hero,” Beiler said.  “Perhaps they would embrace us the same way.”

Before a mass migration begins, the Laine fans from Pennsylvania will enjoy seeing their favorite hockey player take on the home team.

Flyer team officials are scrambling to secure enough straw and hay to the wave of horses and buggies heading their way.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit: Bob M

Hockey dad gets banned from Foot Locker for abuse of officials

Hockey Fan Kicked Out Of Foot Locker For Abusing Referees

WINNIPEG, MB – 

A Portage la Prairie hockey dad was planning on picking up a pair of shoes at the mall during a break in a weekend tournament but he left with a misconduct and an ejection.

Steve Sapinski, entered the Foot Locker in Polo Park searching for a new pair of running shoes when he found trouble.  Within seconds of looking around the store he found a display of New Balance shoes at “buy one pair, get the second at 50% off.”  Sapinski made a move for the discount section when another male shopper stepped in his way.

*Investigation Reveals “buy one, get one 50% off” Sales Just a 25% Discount.*

“This goof comes out of the track suit section and shoots me an elbow then proceeds to interfere with my drive to the shoes,” Sapinski recalled.  “It was a blatant infraction.  It was black and white elbowing and interference.  Everyone in store could see it!”

The irate Sapinski gave the perpetrator a shove and glared at a store employee wearing a referee-styled shirt.

“There was no whistle and he didn’t have his arm up,” Sapinski said.  “He was looking right at me.  He had the nerve to tell me to be careful and stop pushing. That’s when I lost it!”

Sapinski was in an agitated state from watching his son play hockey all weekend and from having to go to the mall on a Saturday when his frustration boiled over.

He screamed in the employee’s face, shoved him, and then starting yelling abuse at the other employees wearing ref uniforms.

“It was worse than three blind mice out there,” Sapinski shared.  “That place has refs every three feet and they still can’t get a friggin call right.  That guy clearly blocked me from getting the shoes I wanted.  He gets the discount and I end up in the box.  How’s that fair?”

Store employees surrounded Sapinski until mall security guards arrived to escort him out of the store into the arms of police who took him into custody.

“I told them to check their cell phones ’cause they have a bunch of missed calls.  Then I said I thought only horses slept standing up,” Sapinski said.

While being physically removed from the store Sapinski was heard screaming, “You better be careful because you’re probably pregnant after missing three periods.”  As he exited the store he fired one last barb.  “Why don’t you get off your knees, you’re blowing the game.”

The Portage man is now facing charges of aggravated assault and a season long suspension from Foot Locker and the Polo Park Mall.  He waved his right to an in-person hearing and is now looking for shoes in Portage la Prairie.

“That’s the last time I shop at a store with a bunch of refs,” Sapinski offered.  “I’ll stay in Portage where shoes sales people don’t dress like blind zebras.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer, explanation and links to official legal documents explaining the fictional, satirical and ridiculous truth of this story and website.  It will basically tell you what you should have already figured out on your own.  This is made up.  It is not real.  Sure, Foot Locker, Polo Park Mall, stupid hockey dads and employees in ref shirts are real but this story is so beyond stupid it could not be real.  Don’t be one of those people who call funny fiction “fake news”.  This is so obviously dumb no reasonable person would believe it to be news.  Rational people can identify satire 19 times out of 20.  The other time they roll their eyes and stop reading because they don’t find it funny.  Please click and share responsibly.

Photo Credit – Erin Nekervis

 

 

University research team discovers source of smell in Gladstone Arena washroom

Researchers Identify Source Of Smell In Gladstone Rink As 1970’s Urine

GLADSTONE, MB – 

For decades, arena attenders have marvelled at the scent emanating from the cozy urinals in the men’s washroom at the Gladstone rink and they are delighted to know researchers at the University of Manitoba identified the source.

“It’s such a familiar smell,” Herb Friesen of Westbourne said.  “Every time I go to there I get a whiff and it takes me back to the good old days of going to the Lakers’ games with dad and Uncle Sam.”

The odour is widely viewed as nostalgic by many Happy Rock rink regulars.

“It smells like victory to me,” Brian Watson of Gladstone said.  “It takes me back to the last time the Lakers won a championship in the mid 90’s.”

Despite over 40 years of cleaning efforts, the sanitation crews in Gladstone were never successful in ridding the rink of the smell.  While not overpowering, the scent has permeated nostrils and drawn criticism of visiting hockey fans for years.

“I can’t stand the smell in the Gladstone shitter,” Marvin Metcalfe of MacGregor shared.  “I take a big gasp of air as I walk in and slowly exhale while I take a leak to try to avoid the stench.”

“I thought that was just how Gladstone smelled,” Emily Broadbank of Neepawa said.  “The whole town kind of smells like that.  I notice it’s quite a bit stronger in the men’s washroom but I don’t go in there that often so I never complain.

A local faculty of science student, Chase McLean decided to study the smell as part of a university study into the origins of scent.

“All my life I heard people talk about the smell in the men’s washroom so when I became part of this research team I suggested we try to find the source,” McLean said.  “It’s the only washroom in the study but it was rewarding to get some answers for my hometown.”

The results reveal the odour is from a sampling of adult male urine from the mid to late 1970’s that contained high levels of alcohol and various prescription medicines.  The offending urine managed to spill onto and penetrate the floors, walls and ceiling in the washroom, making surface cleaning ineffective in eliminating the scent.

“It seems to be a powerful cocktail of urine with a perfect storm of booze and meds combining to create something timeless,” McLean explained.  “Its comparable to a combination of chicken excrement, tomcat spray and skunk scent but with more staying power.”

Now that the Gladstone Arena is aware the scent can only be removed by demolition of removal of the hard material it has decided to forgo that process and not bother with future surface cleaning.

Rink officials say the smell is part of the history and culture of the rink and plan on installing a plaque to explain the source.

“With talk of building a new rink someday I sure hope we can find a way to save a piece of the wall so it can be put on display,” Watson said.  “It is good for people to stay in touch with the past.  Smells have a powerful way of bringing back memories and emotions.  We shouldn’t lose that.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and find links to even more legal rhetoric on the fictional, fanciful and satirical nature of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  Gladstone is real.  The Gladstone rink is real.  However, the rest of the story is made up.  Although there have been real rumours of an odour in the male washroom this website does not imply or believe that Gladstone smells anything but wonderful, even in the rink.

Photo credit – Don Zak’s Soil Lab University of Michigan

 

NHL will have referees flip a coin at centre ice to decide goal tender interference and contested offsides

NHL Introduces Coin Flip To Solve All Goalie Interference & Coaches Challenges

TORONTO, ON –

In the face of ongoing criticism from players and coaches combined with mounting pressure from fans the NHL has taken swift action to eliminate video review and introduce a simple coin flip at centre ice to settle up to two challenged calls per game.

“The NHL, NHLPA, along with our owners have agreed to improve the game by eliminating video review for offside, and goalie interference,” Commissionaire Gary Bettman announced.  “We will speed up what is already the fastest game on earth by allowing referees to quickly toss a coin to decide situations that coaches challenge.”

Under the new plan, the coach that issues the challenge will inform the head official whether they are calling heads or tails and then the referee will make the public address announcement and flip the coin at centre ice with the captains observing.

“Calls will be made efficiently, effectively and quite frankly more accurately than they are now,” Bettman said.

Many teams are exploring how they can exploit the new system for additional revenue by allowing fans at home and in the arena to quickly bet on the outcome.

“We are working with our web partners to develop an ap that works every bit as awkwardly and is as equally frustrating as the existing NHL ap,” Bettman shared.  “We are hoping to tie into banking aps and payment options like paypal and the like to allow fans for fork over more money with very little being returned to them.”

The players association are hopeful the new revenue stream becomes part of the hockey related revenues of the NHL so the salary cap can go up with the amount of their salaries held in escrow reduced.

It will be several weeks before fans see the change implemented as the league and officials must source of supplier of weighted coins so the NHL will still be able to help the teams it deems most in need assistance.

“We like to see a system with the coin flip that benefits the weaker teams in the largest markets so we can generate larger audiences and more revenue across all platforms,” Bettman said.  “We don’t need teams like Calgary, Edmonton, Winnipeg or Columbus gaining any advantage over more desirable teams like Toronto, Montreal, New York and Las Angeles.

Fans across the league are welcoming the idea and feel it will improve their team’s chances during challenged plays.  Referees are relieved because they never knew what the right call was most of the time.  This will save them hours of work trying to learn rules and watch video.

Once the coin flip is tested for coach’s challenges, player safety may start employing it when it comes to additional discipline and suspensions.

“I could see this working very well for supplementary discipline situations,” Bettman said.  “Right now we have former players with questionable judgement likely do to some kind of head trauma they suffered making these decisions.  Surely a coin toss would be an improvement on that.”

There is speculation that at upcoming labour talks Gary Bettman could try and utlize his weighted coin to resolve impasses during negotiations with the NHLPA.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read the full disclosure and legal prose explaining the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  If you weren’t able to figure out the whole thing was a joke you may not be able to understand a couple thousand words of legal speak.  We will help you.  This story and website are not real.  This is made up.  For fun.  And humor.  Please read and share responsibly.  We are naked when we write these stories.  That would explain all the typos and syntax errors.

Photo Credit – Dan4th Nicholas

Patrik Laine's mom part of trending movement of mothers driving adult children around

Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

WINNIPEG, MB –

In the wake of Patrik Laine’s ground breaking interview in The Players’ Tribune, and the revelation that his mother drives him to and from his hockey games, new stats show a growing trend of mothers chauffeuring their adult children.

The new report shows 48% of adult males 18-24 have their mothers drive them at least 5 times a week, with 38% reporting their mom drives them at least once a day.  This is up from 23% and 12% respectively just 12 years ago.

“We are seeing a growing trend in mothers driving their sons,” Study lead Samantha Dawkins said.  “We think it is directly linked to hockey.”

Researchers believe that thousands of hockey players are becoming acclimatized to their mothers driving them around and begin to enjoy the free time, opting to watch videos or play games on phones and handheld electronics.  The urge to play games and use smart phone aps has surpassed the appeal of driving oneself and gaining independence.

“The electronic gratification is stripping the desire to drive away from our young men, and to a lesser extent, our young women,” Dawkins said.  “Patrik Laine and his mom have become the poster people for this movement.”

Indications are the numbers will continue to go up as more young men jump aboard the trend wanting to emulate their NHL heroes.

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

“We are seeing moms drive their sons to work, university and to social functions on a regular basis,” Dawkins pointed out.  “Many are opting out of getting a license or vehicle saving themselves thousands of dollars a year that they can spend on gaming systems and data plans.”

Most mothers we spoke to love the additional and prolonged control and care they can exercise on their children.

“I love that Tyrel gets me to drive him to his junior hockey games,” Michele Gaudry said.  “I make him his favorite pre-game meal, chicken fingers with macaroni and cheese then take him to the game.  I have to wait around about an hour after the game to take him home but I don’t mind.  It gives me a chance to visit with the other mom’s.”

“Kevin gets me to drive him to work everyday,” Cheryl Friesen said.  “He has a sales job so sometimes I get to drive him to appointments all day.  When he stays in the office I make sure I make a lunch for him and send it along.  He still likes eating peanut butter and jam sandwiches.”  Kevin Friesen is a 25 year-old pharmaceutical rep and no longer has a license after letting it lapse a couple of years ago to fund his online gaming interests.

Some social scientists believe the trend will push marrying ages up and marriage rates down as mothers extend their care years and possibly decades into their children’s lives.

“We are seeing many more family situations where mothers are living with adult children, even those who are married,” Dawkins said.  “Children are putting a lot of value on, not just their mom’s ability to complete domestic work like cooking and cleaning, but their skills in financial management and life-coaching.”

Young adults and increasing numbers of middle-aged people are more than happy to have their mothers look after the details of their lives so they can be free to concentrate on careers and more importantly video games and smart phone aps.

“Without mom living with me and driving me to work there is no way I’d be able to meet my sales targets and log up to 80 hours a week on my Playstation,” Kevin Friessen shared.  “Mom is helping me reach the goals and dreams I have personally and professionally.  I couldn’t do this without her.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full-on disclaimer, explanation and supporting legal statements about the satirical reality of this story and website.  Satire means this is not real, it is fiction that is attempting to make fun of something and make some kind of sideways comment on society and culture.  This is not fake news.  Fake news is designed to trick and fool. This fictional TV station is designed to entertain and make you snicker.  Fake news is also a term misused often by Donald Trump to deflect fair comment, reporting and criticism of his reign on the United States of America.

Photo Credit -Rex Roof