PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – The rumblings and word on the street have circulated for years but CIPP-TV has revealed shocking new proof of Canadians drinking alcohol in Tim Hortons disposable coffee cups.
Vincent Poplowski started drinking straight rum from a Tim’s cup six years ago and agreed to be part of the CIPP-TV special report. The 40-year-old father of two is rarely seen without a Tim Hortons paper coffee cup in hand even though he hasn’t drunk coffee for a decade.
“Some people would call me an alcoholic but I think that is unfair,” Poplowski said. “Sure, I’m drinking most of the time but I don’t get wrecked and I still go to work. Plus, I’m an involved father. I never miss my kid’s games.”
CIPP-TV’s exclusive coverage of a new study suggests Poplowski is part of a growing majority of Canadians who are hiding public drinking behind a Tim Hortons veil, known as a disposable paper cup with an annoying lid.
“Its way easier to just drink out of a Tim’s cup than try and drink openly or whatever,” Poplowski shared. “Some people get all weirded out if they see you drink in public. If you keep it in a Tim’s cup no one questions you. The other drinkers know what you’re doing but the do-gooders don’t catch on.”
The study occurred last December and researchers went across the country and found 55% of all people drinking from Tim’s paper cups were in reality drinking alcohol not coffee or tea.
“We assumed we’d find the occasional Bailey’s or Kahlua mixed with coffee,” head of the study Ben Rogers explained. “What we quickly discovered went way beyond anything we imagined.”
While less than 2% of all drinkers had something extra mixed in their coffees the other 52% had pure liquor in the cup.
“Beer was the most popular with many people just pouring the beer into the cup, but hard liquor including vodka, whiskey and rum were found being consumed straight and mixed with pop,” Rogers said.
These stealthy boozers were found at hockey rinks, school events, churches , shopping and even in waiting rooms. It seems the new trend with Canadians is to graduate from enjoying a coffee to smooth out the rough parts of our day, to downing liquor in a Tim’s cup to just get by.
Women and men were found to both practise this secret liquor indulgence about equal but women preferred hard liquor over wine in their cups and men definitely opted for beer over anything else.
“I started by pouring one of my road beers into my empty Tim’s cup when we went to the mall,” said an random Canadian speaking freely under a veil of anonymity. “Then I told my friends and they all started keeping an empty cup on hand too. Pretty soon everyone I know pretty much does this.”
“Sometimes I mix up some Manhattans for church. It makes the service a lot more fun. If churches were smart, they’d license their little coffee bars and start making some serious cash. Probably increase attendance too.”
It seems the practice started being exposed during the last two Roll up the Rim seasons when countless numbers of Canadians were spotted drinking from non-Roll Up cups. Authorities became suspicious and the investigation began.
Federal and provincial law makers are looking into whether new measures need to be put into place to curb the illegal consumption of liquor in public places.
“We are concerned by Canadians disregard for public decency by hiding behind a once-loved Canadian brand,” provincial spokesperson Hillary Neepawa said. “It’s sad we have to look at further laws to stop Canadians from enjoying liquor in public. If we are not careful this country could turn into another
Las Vegas – and who wants that?”
As for Poplowski, he points out what he is doing is helping save the planet.
“I’ve been using the same cup now for three years. The lid for over a year. And if they break, I just pick another up on the side of the road or out of a garbage can. It is the ultimate Canadian recycling.”
Disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and legal information. Suffice to say this is fiction. That means it is not real, made up, fanciful. Most average people can pick up on that but for the few who are not at the average level they may need more explanation. People would never drink alcohol in public by hiding it in other containers like a coffee cup. For those who are lucky enough to be in the top 2% well you likely wrote the legal mumbo jumbo that only the top 2% can understand. When I was a kid my mom told me I was special and that is why I had to go to a special class. I believed her. Now I am special and you get to enjoy my specialness. Isn’t that special? Call you mom. Hug your dad and embrace your averageness. The proletariate runs the world. Proles unite!