PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – It’s time for that happy/sad yearly event that so many Portagers look forward to.
The Harvest of Baby-Boomers kicks into full gear next week and should wrap up by Friday.
Like in past years, local authorities select one week a year to have a set number of the Baby Boomer generation “harvested” and their resources collected for redistribution. This year 187 Portagers born between 1946 and 1964 will be collected by The Harvester.
“It’s a great time of the year for so many families,” spokesperson Ida Peterson said. “Although we say a final goodbye to parents and grandparents, it’s exciting to see younger generations benefit from their inheritances.”
Monday and Tuesday of The Harvest will see volunteers gathered first and then Tuesday night the remaining Harvested will be notified.
“We normally see at least 50% of those we need volunteer to meet their demise,” Peterson explained. “So many baby boomers set a great example this way. Without the volunteers we’d have to take many more of the unwilling.”
All baby boomers being harvested are reminded to have all resources outlined in one file to present to The Harvester when it arrives for them.
This weekend is celebrated by most Portage la Prairians by spending time with Baby Boomer parents and grandparents to say their final thank-you and goodbye.
Officials would like to remind everyone that no funeral services will be held for those being harvested this year as The Harvester will not provide any form of remains.
“We’ve tweaked the machine quite and bit so it is now 100% efficient,” Peterson offered. “Every bit of the Boomers being collected will be used in a productive way.”
The Harvest is an important part of Portage la Prairie’s economic plan and the program has received numerous national and international awards.
“Our process, while a little unique, is recognized everywhere as being the best way to redistribute the wealth and resources currently being hoarded by the largest and richest generation ever.” Peterson said.
“Boomers have done their part in building this community and now it’s time for us to help them transition on. While it is sad, in some ways, they must die, it is an economic miracle in the making.”
Releasing the wealth of 10-20% of the Baby Boomers on a yearly basis while cutting their drain on the health care and pension plans has become a perfect recipe for economic development.
“Our model works and Portage is seeing the increasing benefits each and every year,” Peterson said.
The initial cost of The Harvester and yearly upgrades has generated over one thousand times return on investment.
“The Harvester was created with help from engineers at The Institute right here in Portage la Prairie. We have many other communities ready to place orders for their own. With each Harvester we sell a portion of that money will go back into making Portage an award winning city,” Peterson said.
This years harvested are asked to be ready by 7am on the day they are to be collected and to wait at the street. The Harvester will come for them between 7:30am and 1:00pm.
Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclosure and legal statements. If this appears to be weird and odd it might be on account this here story and website is fictional. Fictional doesn’t mean funny, although it could be funny in a dark sort of way. Fictional means it is not real. If you think this is real and Portage is harvesting baby boomers it might be time to make yourself a new tin foil hat and stop listening to late night talk radio. You may also want to seek the comfort of a mental health professional. Our lawyers would like to point out we take mental health very seriously and sincerely wish all those who are experiencing mental health issues to seek the help and support they need. We do not judge you and have an abundance of our own issues which is evident. Happier days are ahead.