CIPP-TV wins national award for pandering news coverage of local non-accomplishment

C.I.P.P.-TV Wins National Award For Pandering News Coverage Of Local Non-Accomplishments

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Popular local TV station C.I.P.P. was winner of a prestigious national award from the CRTC for excellence in news and information gathering.

The annual For The People Award was presented to station owner and general pain in the ass Ryan Coke last night at a gala in Ottawa.

“It’s an honour to receive this award in our first year of operation, it was one of our goals when we started C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 to win a national award,” Ryan Coke said in a written statement since he no longer speaks directly to his staff using words.

The CRTC hands out the For The People Award to the station which “demonstrates excellence in pandering to local community groups, businesses and organizations for financial or political gain in their local expression and information gathering.  For The People Award honours those broadcasters making little to no actual difference in their communities by covering stories that are truly about nothing more than self-congratulation and positive presentations on events, issues and initiatives that accomplish nothing.”

A story about the City of Portage la Prairie placing 11th on the list of best places to live in Manitoba scored the upstart media outlet the win.  The six-minute feature story outlined all the highlights and benefits of Portage and area and included a rousing pitch from elected officials and prominent business leaders.  Locals credit the piece for helping Portage climb from 15th place all the way to 11 as they noted nothing had actually changed from the last time the survey was done.

“Channel 116 C.I.P.P. did an amazing job in it’s first few months of operation,” CRTC presenter Vaughn Peterson-Kent said.  “Their coverage of Portage la Prairie and the entire Central Plains area did an excellent job in making the place look almost inhabitable and successfully won over business and elected officials.  They are a shining light to the rest of the country as to what imaginary, sarcastic and satirical media outlets can achieve.  C.I.P.P. TV is a true champion for their community and we are pleased to celebrate them.  It is further evidence we made the right decision in giving them a broadcast license even though they exist only on the inter-web.”

Ryan Coke was reported to have been quite surprised at the award since he felt “the overall ability and creativity of our team is deplorable.”

“I actually thought the story from CKX in Brandon about the pathetic attempt at a city-wide garbage clean up sponsored by a fast food chain would win,” Coke admitted.

Staff at the local television station of choice took the opportunity to celebrate at a local pizza restaurant called Mano’s by getting drunk, loud and obnoxious, which is what most of their stories are like.

“We’ve pandered and pooh-poohed just about every business and group possible so far and its nice to be acknowledged for doing what we do,” Ryan Coke said.  “Winning a national award really validates us and what we do.  It’s what we live for actually.  We can now say we are an award-winning station.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and get the full legal low down on the fictional nature of this story and website.  Don’t worry CIPP-TV is not a real television station and they did not receive a national award for their ridiculous stories and so-called coverage.  They do covet a national award because everybody likes to get a trophy and nowadays you can get a trophy for just about anything, not to mention get a national award.  Awards are good but that doesn’t make this story any more real.  Don’t try and trick your friends into thinking this is real or they will grow to dislike you more and trust you less, if that is possible.  Don’t drink and drive either.  Certainly don’t text and drive and please don’t leave your dog in the car on a hot day.  These are very bad things you should avoid.  Now aren’t you glad you read this entire paragraph?

Photo Credit – John S and James L. Knight

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Billy Neepawa pretends to have diarrhea to play trick on neighbour

Portagers Have Fun With Foul Smell From Waste Water Treatment Facility

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

As the south wind carries the tantalizing odour of feces from 13,000 Portage la Prairie arses across the city, some people complain about the unpleasant smell while many more Portagers made the choice to have some fun with it.

Billy Neepawa noticed the smell while walking his mother’s cat and decided to play a trick on his neighbour.

Couples enjoy Portage la Prairie smell by playing Who Farted?
Couples in Portage la Prairie play “Who Farted?” with the sewage smell wafting over the city.

“I saw Ed’s kitchen light on so I went and knocked on his door,” Neepawa explained.  “When he came to the door he got a whiff of the sewage plant so I pretended I had crapped my pants and needed to use his washroom.”

Neepawa’s friend Ed Watson believed the smell was the result of his neighbour soiling himself and was torn between wanting to help his friend out and keeping the integrity of his washroom.

“I was terrified,” Watson shared.  “I thought if what is in Billy’s pants smells that bad I don’t want him putting that in my toilet.  It smelled god-awful.  I should have known Billy was messing with me, he normally doesn’t smell near that bad when he craps himself.”

Watson and Neepawa were not the only ones in Portage having some fun with Portage’s favorite aromatic essence.  Newsroom employees of Portage la Prairie’s most popular television station, C.I.P.P.-TV, got in on the fun.

“While Iona Stonehouse and Jack Hoffman were on the set during the newscast, Iona complained of a rotten egg smell,” Operations Manager Seth Poole said.  “Bruce, our director first told her it might be gas leak in the studio and she started freaking out during the commercial break.  A little while later, he said they checked it out and the problem was with Jack Hoffman.”

Stonehouse could barely read the news in the face of the magnificent stench and started fanning the air and swatting her co-anchor each time they threw to video.

“They told me Jack had diarrhea and there was no toilet paper in the men’s washroom,” Stonehouse said.  “He’s had similar accidents in the past so I believed them.  The camera crew and floor director where dying laughing and I didn’t realize it was just the smell of Portage.”

Recent shifting winds from the south and east have shared the scent trail from the wastewater treatment facility with most of the city on a rotating basis.  Not just Mellenville and KoKo Platz, but the East and West Ends along with the tourist hub of Island Park have been privy to the smell of the biffy, inspiring many to rename it Island Fart.

“Its kind of a signature smell of Portage,” Neepawa said.  “Travellers often get the blast on the by-pass but for the native Portagers it’s a bit like comfort food.  When you smell it you know you’re home.  I think it’s kind of like smelling your own fart.  They don’t seem that bad to you but others can hardly take it.”

There are numerous reports of practical jokes being played out over the Portage poo smell and several couples have been playing “who farted?”

“A lot of people who don’t go out in the cold won’t get a chance to enjoy it like you can in the summer time,” Neepawa said.  “A lot of us like to walk along the lake in the summer and enjoy that smell while taking in the view.  It is a Portage thing and I love it.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and to find the link to the full legal information.  If you do not want to do that please know that this story and website are fictional and that means they are not real.  Portage is real and the smell is real but the rest is just a silly story about people who do not actually exist, therefore, their opinions and comments are not to be taken seriously or as fact.  That being said CIPPTV and this website take no responsibility for their comments and opinions and do not necessarily share them.  We have our own opinions on the foul stench that rises like a fog of death from time to time but we will not impose them on you.  We will just bury hints to our feelings on the matter in a long disclaimer few people will read.

Photo Credit – Main Photo – Dave Bezaire

Photo Credit – Body Photo – Charles Williams

Co-worker saves friends toes from frostbite by sucking on them

TV Morning Show Host Saves Co-Worker From Frostbite By Sucking His Toes

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

Since moving to Portage la Prairie to work at CIPP-TV, Oliver Sutton has endured a lot, but his assignment on New Years Eve involved going above and beyond the call of a TV morning show host.  In frigid temperatures, Sutton, host of PP In The Morning, had to think quickly in order to save a co-worker from the effects of frostbite.

BJ (Harrisburg) and I were at a New Years Eve celebration here in town (Portage la Prairie) when we found ourselves unable to get a ride or cab,” Oliver Sutton said.  “We were on the island (Island Park) and stood outside for half an hour in the freezing cold before we decided to hike across the lake (Crescent Lake) to get home.”

TV station co-worker has toes saved from frostbite by sucking
PP After Dark host, BJ Harrisburg is overjoyed his friend and CIPP-TV co-worker, PP In The Morning Host, Oliver Sutton saved his toes from frostbite by sucking on them

The walk was less than thirty minutes, but both Sutton and Harrisburg were wearing stylish dress shoes not designed to rebuff minus twenty-eight degree Celsius weather.  With only a light coat and thin, snazzy, dress pants the pair experienced mild hypothermia on the way home.  Because of an earlier decision not to wear socks, Harrisburg’s feet were practically frozen by the time they reached home.

“BJ was pretty loaded but the walk kind of sobered him up,” Sutton explained.  “When we got in the house he was pretty much crying from the pain in his feet.”

Panic sunk in and Sutton was not sure if he should call 911 when his co-worker started screaming something.

“For whatever reason I remembered a bit from Doug and Bob McKenzie when they talked about Ernie’s mom sucking his toes,” Harrisburg, host of PP After Dark, said.  “I knew that’s what Oliver had to do.”

Thankfully, Sutton was still intoxicated, and open to Harrisburg’s strange request.

“He was screaming so loud from the pain I just pulled off his shoes and went to it,” Sutton said.  “Once his toes were in my mouth he stopped screaming.  I kept alternating feet and he slowly calmed down.”

Harrisburg credits his morning show host friend for saving his toes.

“I still ended up having some white spots on my toes but Oliver really saved the day – and my toes,” Harrisburg said.

Medical experts confirm that Sutton’s quick reaction, inhibition and disregard for his own dignity likely saved Harrisburg from medical intervention, including the possibility of amputation.

Good friends prior to the event, the pair are even closer now, but Harrisburg was unsure if he would return the favour.

“I don’t think I could suck Oliver’s toes,” Harrisburg admitted.  “I’d have to be extremely drunk for there to even be a chance.”

Sutton is not offended by his friend’s honesty on returning the sucking favour.

“I couldn’t have done it if I wasn’t drunk and panicked.  I was very thankful he didn’t have any toe-jam when I put them in my mouth or I might have gagged.”

“I can’t look at Oliver the same way any more,” Harrisburg shared.  “After what he did for me, the sacrifice he made, I think we’ll always be close.

Sutton has noticed Harrisburg holding his glance a little longer than he used to and going barefoot more often.

“I definitely feel safer when Oliver is around,” Harrisburg said.  “I can’t watch him eat the same way anymore though.”

The other CIPP-TV employees are generally grossed out by the story and clear out of the lunchroom if Harrisburg and Sutton are there staring at each other.  Several staff have filed formal complaints over Harrisburg’s refusal to cover his feet in the newsroom.  The Union of Mediocre Television Workers in Small Markets(UMTWS) is investigating and offering counselling to all those affected.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the advanced and more developed disclaimer full of legal language and warnings.  While frostbite and Portage la Prairie are real, CIPP-TV, the individuals mentioned, the story and website are fictional and humorous.  Portage la Prairie can be humorous as well but this website shares no responsibility in that.  All this to say, this story is not real it is made up.  We do not know why we have to keep explaining this to people.

Photo Credit – Headline Photo – Travis Rigel Lukas Hornrung

Photo Credit – Story Photo – Matthew Oliphant

Portage News Director Fired For Not Sharing Right-Wing Perspective

Portage la Prairie, MB –

New local TV station, CIPP-TV fired News Director, Pat Hiscock, after numerous complaints from politicians and business owners about her seemingly left-wing editorial perspective.

“We told Pat, when we brought her in from Lloydminster, her job was to be head cheerleader for the town and area,” CIPP-TV station owner Ryan Coke explained.  “Our vision for news is to be a positive, business friendly voice for the rich and powerful.”

Hiscock faced constant criticism for asking politicians uncomfortable questions on subjects they did not wish to address.  She disregarded her employers marching orders to pander to local officials and businesses and to avoid balanced perspectives and negative issues.

“I’ve worked in small media markets for years but I’ve never experienced so many thin-skinned people who couldn’t stand to be questioned,” Hiscock said.  “This place pays crap so it won’t be hard to find another job.”

Station management teamed up with some local political and business leaders to try to curb Hiscock’s editorial stance with law suits and threats but their efforts failed.

“It started when I openly questioned a prominent political figure about her comments,” Hiscock explained.  “She called me names and then had a lawyer send me a letter.  I didn’t stop because I do know the difference between journalism and free speech versus libel and slander.”

The remaining staff at CIPP-TV stand behind Hiscock and have taken over editorial control of the station website www.cipptvportagelaprairie.com.

“We are the only ones with the passwords and the ability to update the site,” union president Richard Pashe said.  “We’ll run the stories we want and management can’t do anything about it.  If we want to point out the obvious problems in this town, we will.”

CIPP-TV ownership has a different goal for the newsroom.

“We shouldn’t talk about negative and divisive issues,” Coke offered.  “Sure we have poverty and major social problems in Portage but we don’t need to be reminded of them.  Most viewers would prefer to see stories about how great our town is and all the great things that are going on.  It encourages people to spend more and that’s good for the economy.”

Hiscock offered some parting insights from her time in Portage la Prairie.

“When you move here, you see some glaring problems with the town that no one wants to talk about.  With such a dominant right-wing conservative view-point the other perspectives get marginalized.  People in power get freaked out when someone doesn’t share their opinion and can’t stand to be held accountable.  The town would benefit from some varied perspectives.  That’s what I tried to bring but I guess it was just too much,” Hiscock said.

“I wish Hiscock the best,” Coke offered.  “She just didn’t understand Portage.  We like what we know and know what we like.  We have a strongly shared perspective in this community and now we must find a News Director who is part of us.”

A search for Hisock’s replacement is underway.

Note to readers: this story is satirical and fictional – CIPP-TV is not a real TV station.  Please click here to read more if you don’t understand this is not real.

Photo: Rochelle Hartman – https://www.flickr.com/photos/tinfoilraccoon/

BJ Harrisburg – PP After Dark Host

PP After Dark Host – BJ Harrisburg is a part-time DJ, guitarist in several local bands and possibly has substance abuse issues.  The initials BJ are a mystery, as he won’t disclose what they stand for.  We can confirm they don’t stand for Bradly James, Barry John or Buddy Joe.  There are rumours the initialized nickname could be in reference to a sexual act.  Harrisburg is originally from northern Alberta but has been living at an undisclosed location in Portage for 18 years.

Click here to read about PP After Dark: PP After Dark Profile.

Vivica Rhianna Meeches – Saturday Night Videos Host

Saturday Night Videos host – Vivica Rhianna Meeches is a born and raised Portager.  She is a recent grad of the On-Air On Target online course and is currently working as a hostess at a local restaurant.

Click here to read about Saturday Night Videos: Saturday Night Videos Description.

Gerry Atrick – The Dirt Host

The Dirt host – Gerry Atrick has been a local farm advocate for 35 years.  He’s never farmed a day in his adult life but makes a good living off writing and lobbying on behalf of farm special interest groups.

Click here to read all about THE DIRT: THE DIRT description.

Photo: United Soybean Board – https://www.flickr.com/photos/unitedsoybean/