Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback try and prove they are not the same band

Florida Georgia Line & Nickelback Announce Concert To Prove They Aren’t The Same Band

Portage la Prairie, MB – The Glesby Centre in Portage la Prairie will host the myth busting concert of the century as country superstars, Florida Georgia Line and rock sensations, Nickelback set the record straight.

Despite being mega-stars in different genres, the bands have been dogged by rumours and speculation they were actually the same group.  With similar hair and attitude Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback struck formulated success on the charts but were never seen together.

While most fans don’t care if they are one and the same, music journalists have been mining the conspiracy theory of both bands being the Milli Vanilli of country and rock.  Local concert promoter Billy Neepawa approached both bands with the idea of holding a concert to dispel the rumours.

“I think both bands share a lot of the same fans and they would like to see them on the same stage,” said Neepawa.  “It’ll be proof once and for all that they aren’t the same band.  It’ll also prove that country music is really just bad rock.”

Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback have both won numerous awards for their music and are widely considered pioneers in their respective genres.

“I couldn’t think of two modern acts that sum up the musical sensibilities of Portage better than these two.  A little bit country and a little bit rock and roll,” offered Neepawa.

Some Portagers remain steadfast in their belief that FGL and NB are the same band.  “I don’t give a crap if you put them both in front of me right now.  I still say they are the same damn band,” said Bob Morden of Portage.  “Don’t know what that Billy Neepawa is trying to prove but I won’t be going.”

For all fans wanting to go tickets will go on sale Friday at 10am at all Music Master and Busy Fingers locations.

Photo Credit – Focka

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Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback to prove they are not the same band

made up and are not real stories and any resemblance to real events, people and their goings on is coincidental.  Now, please note Portage la Prairie is a real place and humans, animals and some of the goings on of said things are real these works are still of fiction created from the minds of sometimes troubled people known more commonly as writers.  Writers of such material are creating the unreal from the real.  Let the onus be on the reader and consumer of the material on this site to be fully and completely aware of the responsibilities that come with reading the above said material.  As a reader of same you are obligated to embrace the opus as humorous, satirical, weird, unusual, quirky, offbeat but not as reality.  When sharing electronically, orally or via physical gestures please do so only after reading the piece in its entirety along with the accompanying notice to reader.  Never share with any malice or misgivings.  Don’t mislead people into thinking this is anything but a work of fiction.  This contest has no cash value, is void were prohibited by law and is affront to common sense and decency.  Help your neighbour.  Be kind to each other and wipe thoroughly before leaving washroom.  Always wash your hands to avoid shit mittens.

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Farmers Upset Festival Rock Act “Whole Lotta Angus” Was AC/DC Tribute & Not A Cattle Show

Portage la Prairie, MB –

It was hard to tell who was more surprised, the band or the audience.  The Portage Potato Festival, headline act, “Whole Lotta Angus”, hit the stage to a crowd full of John Deere hats, denim jeans and over sized belt buckles screaming, “Where’s the beef?”

Heavily promoted in the Portage la Prairie area weeks leading up to the festival and the event drew thousands.  Unfortunately, word spread quickly among local cattle producers that it was supposed to be one of the biggest Angus Beef cattle shows of all time due to a “fake news” story promoted through a Russian controlled Facebook page.

“We weren’t expecting some devil-worshipping rock and roll band,” rancher Frank Little said.  “We’re God-fearing cattle producers.  We came to see some nice steers and heifers not some spawns of Satan.”

Used to playing to receptive and energized audiences at rural casinos and festivals, Whole Lotta Angus was shocked by the lack of energy in the Portage crowd when they started with “Shoot to Thrill”.

“It pisses me off that some idiot would write a fake news story and trick people into thinking we were a cattle show,” lead singing Blair Sokowski said.  “It’s complete bull s@#*.”

After the rocky start, both the band and the crowd warmed up to each other.  Whole Lotta Angus dropped their AC/DC set list after three songs and began to play some well-received Garth Brooks covers.

“We used to do Garth cover tunes in our previous band “Whole Lotta Garth”,” Sokowski explained.  “After all, country music is just bad rock.  It wasn’t a hard adjustment.”

The cattlemen began to cheer after the band transitioned from “Thunderstruck” to “When the Thunder Rolls” and was singing along when the band played “Friends in Low Places.”

The festival board intends to be clearer in its advertising next year and promises to clamp down on fake news stories used to mislead potential attendees.

The cattle producers were won over by the end of the night and hope to make the Portage Potato Festival a yearly destination.

Notice to reader/disclaimer about this being satire and possibly funny.

Photo:Stefan Schmitz – https://www.flickr.com/photos/stefanschmitz/

Barenaked Ladies, BNL changing name after Canadian Music Hall of Fame nomination.

Political Pressure Forces Canadian Music Hall Of Fame Inductees Barenaked Ladies to Change Name

TORONTO, ON – 

The iconic Canadian band that you can’t Google at work are in for a big honour and a significant name change.

With the light of an upcoming induction into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame shining brightly on the quirky Canucks, combined with recent movements taking aim at anyone and anything objectifying women, the Barenaked Ladies have to modernize their famous moniker.

“We’ve really benefited over the years from all the hype and gags surrounding the original name,” Barenaked Ladies co-founder Ed Robertson told the fictional C.I.P.P. TV’s host of Saturday Night Videos, Vivica Rhianna Meeches.  “I guess its time to bow to the pressure of political correctness and adopt a new, less offensive name.”

The band that created hits like, “If I Had a $1,000,000” “Pinch Me” and “One Week” has a reputation of being insensitive to the anti-fur movement, disrespectful of human remains, and tricking people into singing “underwear”, while maintaining an air of cheekiness and immaturity in their song writing and performances.

“The band formerly known as BNL or Barenaked Ladies can no longer reap the benefit associated with the objectification of female nudity,” spokesperson for a group promoting the removal of all sexual innuendo and exploitation of terms associated with women and girls, Sheila Snaith offered.  “While we commend them for taking this step we won’t stop pressuring all those who offend the sensibilities and rights of women and girls everywhere who wish to live in a world void of this kind of insensitivity.”

The band worked with the group to come up with a replacement handle.  Some of the names considered included Barenaked Men, Nude Persons, and Bucknaked Humans were not suitable because they still held a gender specific association.

The name Bare-Skinned Society emerged the winner from a shortlist of terms including Nicely Nude Folks, Funky Naked Bodies, Very Nude Peoples, Kinky Uncovered Clan, Publically Peeled Populace, and Birthday Suit Inhabitants.

Band members are excited about the change and the future of the band.  “We will use the induction to launch the new name, Bare-Skinned Society, to our fans,” Robertson said.  “We also like how we can now use the initials BS to replace BNL.  Fans will now be able to search our name on any computer fearless of what might pop up.”

Fan’s reaction to the name change has been largely understanding and positive.

“I’m okay with it,” BS fan, Kevin Stokes said.  “The old fans will know who they are and younger people basically don’t care.  I’d join the Bare-Skinned Society anytime they are in town.”

“Not being a lady I like the name change,” BS fan Randy Evans said.  “Bare-Skinned Society is much more inclusive and as a man I like that a lot.  Before it was kind of weird to watch dudes on stage called Barenaked Ladies.  It made me uncomfortable.”

Other fans indicated their preference for the name-change as being much clearer and less deceptive.

“In the nineties my buddy invited me to go see the Barenaked Ladies in concert,” Derek Miller explained.  “I was pretty excited to go and was expecting quite a show but then a bunch of dudes came out fully clothed.  I eventually became a fan but I still remember the disappointment of that night.”

The band will be inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame at the March 25 Juno Awards in Vancouver and will be joined by former band mate, Steven Page, sparking fans to hope for a special reunion performance.

A full world tour will launch this summer to support the new name and fans will be able to order tickets and merchandise for the Bare-Skinned Society early next month.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full statement of disclosure and to find links to more legal explanatory fun.  If you don’t want to engage at that level, and couldn’t figure out this story and website are fictional, satirical, and at times funny, please know they are not real.  The Barenaked Ladies are real, the Canadian Music Hall of Fame and Juno Awards are real but this story is completely fictional.  Fictional means not real, made-up, fabricated and that you shouldn’t believe it to be true and factual.  This website is branded as satirical and should be consumed only for satirical and entertainment purposes.  This story and website contain little to no nutritional value and are not part of the Canada Food Guide and won’t contribute to a healthy lifestyle.  Please see your nearest health food retailer for more information.  Eat and drink responsibly and call your mom, she misses you.

Photo Credit – Bobnjeff

80's rock shirts to be used to make quilts for homeless

Portage Man Donates 80’s Rock Shirt Wardrobe To Make Quilts For The Homeless

Portage la Prairie, MB –

His hair has thinned, the mullet is gone and now Ian Patterson is letting go of the concert shirts that have help him hang on to his glory days of the 1980’s.

With a closet containing hundreds of rock n roll t-shirts from the 80’s and early 90’s Patterson hopes he can make a difference while putting his heavy metal ways behind him.

“I usually wear one rock shirt a day,” Patterson shared.  “I love the feeling I get when I remember the way it was back in the day.  The anthem rock, hair metal, and classic rock it was all so good back in the 80’s.”

Patterson notes Def Leppard, Van Halen, Judas Priest, Scorpions, Helix, Kiss, AC/DC and Lee Aaron as some of his favourites.

“It was all about the tunes back then,” Patterson said.  “I usually bought three or four of each kind of concert shirt and I went to every concert I could.  I wash them all inside out in cold water and hang dry them.  They are in great condition but it is time I moved on,” the fifty-year-old Patterson said.

His mother-in-law nagged him for years to get rid of the t-shirts and wear more “grown up” clothes.  It was her suggestion to make quilts from the shirts that got Patterson thinking.

“I normally don’t listen to her but when she said the local MCC ladies could make a bunch of quilts from my shirts I fell in love with the idea,” Patterson offered.

“I’ll have them make a quilt for me from all my favourite shirts and the other quilts will be auctioned off to raise money for the homeless,” Patterson explained.

Local MCC Thrift Shop quilting experts estimate approximately twenty quilts can be made from the shirts and raise over $10,000.00 at auction.

“Nostalgia, especially from the 80’s, generate a lot of interest,” MCC spokesperson Karen Harms said.  “There is a large number of people in their late forties, early fifties looking to grasp at things from their youth.  The big hair is gone and nobody makes heavy metal anymore so these quilts will be a big hit.”

Patterson agrees the rock shirts pack a nostalgic punch.  “The first thing I’ll do is put on Def Leppard’s Pyromania, then grab my quilt and curl up underneath it and remember that night in 1983 when I saw them at the old Winnipeg Arena.”

The MCC Thrift Store’s quilters will start work immediately and hope to have the rock n roll quilts ready for the holiday season.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional and satirical intent of this story and website.  Well I guess the intent is satirical but it is fictional.  Yes, the 80’s existed, as did heavy metal and tour shirts from the era but the characters mentioned in the story are imaginary as is their desire to live in the past.  Please read and share with this in mind.

Photo credit:  Jonathan Haynes

Portager flees to U.S.A after admitting he doesn't get the Tragically Hip

Portager Doesn’t Get Most Tragically Hip Songs Must Flee To U.S.A. For Safety

Portage la Prairie, MB –

As a country mourned the loss of one of its greatest poets and brightest rock stars, Darryl Towle dared to speak his mind and is now fleeing the country for his own safety.

On Friday evening, as an entire nation in mourning watched the documentary Long Time Running celebrating the life of Gord Downie of The Tragically Hip, an epic tragedy was unfolding on social media.

“All I did was post that I was watching the Jets game and everyone started freaking out,” Towle said.  “Everybody started roasting me about not watching the Tragically Hip thing.”

Without contemplating the implications of his actions, Towle posted “I’m not watching the Hip movie.  If I’m honest I can’t make out most of the lyrics and the ones I get don’t make any sense.  Guess I’m not the biggest fan.”

The insensitive quote sparked a wrath of anger and venom filled replies and zero likes.

“I know everyone is sad Gord died and I love a lot of the things he stood for but the music was just, meh,” Towle said.

Towle provided some examples of his confusion about several popular Tragically Hip hits that are somewhat compelling.

“I’ve listened to Grace, Too about five hundred times and I still have no idea what the song is about.  Most of my friends can’t explain it either.

“Does anyone know what the heck Blow at High Dough really means and what it has to do with shooting a movie?”

“Wheat Kings isn’t even about a hockey team or Brandon.  And why is it called Little Bones when it should have been called Happy Hour.  It’s just so confusing,” Towle shared.

“I took Canadian History in school and even a couple of university courses but I still have no idea who Bob Cajun is, or what Nautical Disaster he’s talking about if it’s not about the Edmund Fitzgerald.”

“They always play Fifty Mission Cap at hockey games but no one knows what that is or why you have to work it in to look like that.”

“My favourite Hip song is At The Hundredth Meridian even though I have no idea what the song is really about other than the prairies.”

Towle’s comments drew reaction from every corner of Canada including death threats.

“I didn’t realize the whole country was so raw,” Towle explained.  “I was sad to hear Gord Downie died but I didn’t realize I had to pretend I liked The Tragically Hip more than I do.”

Canadian politeness has it’s limits when it comes to those not showing the appropriate level of love and appreciation for all things Tragically Hip.  Towle is now in the United States of America where is he is free to avoid Tragically Hip tributes and where he is safe from avenging Canadians.

“I totally understand why Americans never got the Hip,” Towle said.  “The music is less than commercial and a little experimental at times and you need an advanced degree in history or literature to understand the lyrics.  How many Americans could possibly have the patience or intelligence to unravel the mystery of the Tragically Hip?  I haven’t met any yet.”

Towle plans on living in the states until the hype and rage around the Tragically Hip subsides and he can return safely while openly sharing his half-hearted interest in the band’s music.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – Click here to read more about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  

Photo Credit: Andy Smith

Nickelback Pastor inspires with rock and roll

Pastor Confesses To Using Nickelback Songs For Sermons

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A local pastor confessed he uses a Canadian hit rock group some have dubbed “the worst band in the world” for inspiration for some of his most popular sermons.

Reverend Kevin Bunski told CIPP-TV’s Rick and Anita Siemens, on the award-winning daytime spiritual talk-show Dawn of The Day, how he’s been a closet Nickelback fan since the 90’s and draws sermon ideas from the secular bands music.

“It started when I kind of borrowed from the song Leader of Men for my ‘Christ is living water’ sermon,” Bunski admitted on Dawn of the Day earlier this week.  “The words really spoke spiritual truth to me.  I figured none of my congregation would know it was from Nickelback – and I was right.”

Once Bunski started delving into the poetic hard rock lyrics of Nickelback, he noticed those sermons seemed to resonate the best with his church.

“Every time I used Nickelback lyrics in the sermon or the title of the sermon I noticed more people attending and bringing their friends,” Bunski said.  “I believe it was a sign from God.   So I kept doing it.”

Nickelback’s break out album Silver Side Up provided a bonanza in sermon inspiration.  Bunski was able to spin “How You Remind Me” into a series on finding your identity in Christ.  The top 10 hit “Too Bad” became the base for a sermon about the prodigal son.

“Back then I never figured anyone would catch on.  Christians don’t listen to that kind of music and even if they did they couldn’t admit it openly.”

As the band kept pumping out hit after hit, Bunski rode the wave of each album by adding to his flock.  In 2003, Bunski had two hit sermon series based on the songs “Someday” and “Believe it or Not” from the album “The Long Road”.

By the mid 2000’s even hard-core Nickelback, fans were starting to shy away from publicly endorsing the band.  It became trendy to tell people how terrible you thought the band was but privately people were buying albums and concert tickets in record numbers.

Bunski saw this as an opportunity to leverage his position and double down with sermons based on the songs “Savin’ Me”, “If Anyone Cared”, “If Today Was Your Last Day” and “What Are You Waiting For”.  He even went as far as to use the titles verbatim and quoted the exact lyrics without attribution.

“I thought in the climate of public hatred and private infatuation for Nickelback even if someone in the church caught on they would never say anything,” Bunski said.

The rogue rock and roll pastor explained to Rick and Anita Siemens how he came to believe the group were secretly Christians evidenced by having at least one or two divinely inspired songs on each album.

“What are you waiting for” and “Make me Believe Again” are practically sermons set to music,” Bunski offered.  “I think Nickelback are a bit like their fans in how they shy away from admitting their true love.  They might just be the most Christian band anywhere.  I really love these guys and God loves them too.”

Bunski admits his secret source of inspiration could have remained under wraps if a new member of his flock lacking social skills had not outed him.

“Lyle Preston just joined our church and was baptised last year,” Bunski said.  “I should’ve know he might be a problem when he got baptised in a Saskatchewan Roughrider jersey.  Rider fans generally like Nickelback and lack the social skills to hide it.”

Coming clean about Nickelback has freed many in Bunski’s church to enjoy one of the best-selling bands of all time openly.

“In the end we found that most Christians secretly listened to Nickelback,” Bunski shared.  “It is nice that we can enjoy their music as a congregation.”

Many Christians are fed a diet of Christian branded worship music produced out of Nashville, which explains why their tolerance for formulated clichés is so well developed.

To see more, tune in all week to Rick and Anita Siemens on Dawn of The Day as they discuss Pastor Bunski’s Nickelback inspired sermons.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fact this story and website are satire and fiction.  

Photo: Jake Guild – https://www.flickr.com/photos/simpleskye/

Drake’s Hit Song “Hotline Bling” Proves He’s A Fraud & Not Culturally Relevant

Toronto, ON – 

We’ve all said it or sang it, even if we didn’t know where it was from.  “You used to call me on my cell phone”, has been part of our lives since Drake droned it out in 2015, but we are now realizing how unhip and out of touch the song is.

“Often culture gets caught up in the hype and misses the truth,” Professor of Modern Anthropology Antonio Robeiro said.  “With this song, no one stopped to think it through.  If I would have  said that line my students would have rolled their eyes.”

The self-proclaimed, hippest man in Canada, failed to realize people under 30 do not use their phones to call anyone.  Millennials, certainly the cool ones, would never use their cell phone as a phone.

“Youth culture, especially those listening to rap and hip hop, don’t associate the smart phone with phone calls,” Robeiro said.  “They are communication devices but not something you talk to another human with.

Drake would have been more true to the culture he’s trying to reflect if he would have said, “You used to text me, You used to FaceTime me, You used to Snapchat me, You used to Insta me, and even You used to tweet me, although fewer millennials are doing that, would have been more relevant and relatable.

“I don’t think we should be too hard on Drake,” Robeiro offered.  “He’s just a good Canadian kid who started at the bottom.  It’s not possible for everyone to get it right all the time.  He made a mistake, hopefully he’ll learn from it.”

While Robeiro is able to be gracious, it will be interesting to see how fans around the planet react after they realize the unfortunate error.

It has been reported dozens of fans in Newfoundland and Manitoba have gathered to burn Drake clothing and concert memorabilia.  Fortunately for Drake, neither of these provinces are home to more than a hundred fans total.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about why and how this story is fictional and attempting to be satire.  That means the story and the site are not real.  You are real.  Or are you?  It’s not for us to say.

Photo: Amber – https://www.flickr.com/photos/bandfan/