Nickelback Pastor inspires with rock and roll

Pastor Confesses To Using Nickelback Songs For Sermons

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A local pastor confessed he uses a Canadian hit rock group some have dubbed “the worst band in the world” for inspiration for some of his most popular sermons.

Reverend Kevin Bunski told CIPP-TV’s Rick and Anita Siemens, on the award-winning daytime spiritual talk-show Dawn of The Day, how he’s been a closet Nickelback fan since the 90’s and draws sermon ideas from the secular bands music.

“It started when I kind of borrowed from the song Leader of Men for my ‘Christ is living water’ sermon,” Bunski admitted on Dawn of the Day earlier this week.  “The words really spoke spiritual truth to me.  I figured none of my congregation would know it was from Nickelback – and I was right.”

Once Bunski started delving into the poetic hard rock lyrics of Nickelback, he noticed those sermons seemed to resonate the best with his church.

“Every time I used Nickelback lyrics in the sermon or the title of the sermon I noticed more people attending and bringing their friends,” Bunski said.  “I believe it was a sign from God.   So I kept doing it.”

Nickelback’s break out album Silver Side Up provided a bonanza in sermon inspiration.  Bunski was able to spin “How You Remind Me” into a series on finding your identity in Christ.  The top 10 hit “Too Bad” became the base for a sermon about the prodigal son.

“Back then I never figured anyone would catch on.  Christians don’t listen to that kind of music and even if they did they couldn’t admit it openly.”

As the band kept pumping out hit after hit, Bunski rode the wave of each album by adding to his flock.  In 2003, Bunski had two hit sermon series based on the songs “Someday” and “Believe it or Not” from the album “The Long Road”.

By the mid 2000’s even hard-core Nickelback, fans were starting to shy away from publicly endorsing the band.  It became trendy to tell people how terrible you thought the band was but privately people were buying albums and concert tickets in record numbers.

Bunski saw this as an opportunity to leverage his position and double down with sermons based on the songs “Savin’ Me”, “If Anyone Cared”, “If Today Was Your Last Day” and “What Are You Waiting For”.  He even went as far as to use the titles verbatim and quoted the exact lyrics without attribution.

“I thought in the climate of public hatred and private infatuation for Nickelback even if someone in the church caught on they would never say anything,” Bunski said.

The rogue rock and roll pastor explained to Rick and Anita Siemens how he came to believe the group were secretly Christians evidenced by having at least one or two divinely inspired songs on each album.

“What are you waiting for” and “Make me Believe Again” are practically sermons set to music,” Bunski offered.  “I think Nickelback are a bit like their fans in how they shy away from admitting their true love.  They might just be the most Christian band anywhere.  I really love these guys and God loves them too.”

Bunski admits his secret source of inspiration could have remained under wraps if a new member of his flock lacking social skills had not outed him.

“Lyle Preston just joined our church and was baptised last year,” Bunski said.  “I should’ve know he might be a problem when he got baptised in a Saskatchewan Roughrider jersey.  Rider fans generally like Nickelback and lack the social skills to hide it.”

Coming clean about Nickelback has freed many in Bunski’s church to enjoy one of the best-selling bands of all time openly.

“In the end we found that most Christians secretly listened to Nickelback,” Bunski shared.  “It is nice that we can enjoy their music as a congregation.”

Many Christians are fed a diet of Christian branded worship music produced out of Nashville, which explains why their tolerance for formulated clichés is so well developed.

To see more, tune in all week to Rick and Anita Siemens on Dawn of The Day as they discuss Pastor Bunski’s Nickelback inspired sermons.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fact this story and website are satire and fiction.  

Photo: Jake Guild – https://www.flickr.com/photos/simpleskye/

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Mega Church Pastor Loves The Christian Brand But Is Less Impressed With Jesus

Houston, TX – 

The truth shall set you free, and Jeffery Roberts is telling his congregation the shocking truth about Jesus Christ and will be a guest this week on CIPP-TV’s Dawn of The Day.

“We must read the gospels through the lens of modern revelation,” mega-church Pastor Jeffery Roberts said.  “The Bible is sacred, but we have to look at it from our new perspective.”

Roberts claims he has recently done a thorough examination of some of the teachings of Jesus Christ and found them to range between lacking, and completely heresy, when measured with American values.

“I don’t think some non-white guy in the Middle East would know what he said 2,000 years ago would fly in the face of what we hold most precious today,” Roberts said.  “And besides, the portions we object to only account for 5-10% of the entire Bible.”

Most troubling to Roberts is Jesus’ instructions to love our enemies, not to judge, forgive, help those in need and stand up for the marginalized.

“We can’t teach people to sell their stuff and give the money to those in need,” Roberts explained.  “That’s pretty much communism and we know that doesn’t work.  Today we value those who help themselves, work hard, and hoard for their retirement.  The American Dream is not to give the low-lifes and welfare bums a free ride.”

“How many successful entrepreneurs would there be if they were to employ those kinds of approachs.”

Roberts certainly takes exception to leaders being too much like Jesus.

“We can’t have elected and business leaders taking a mamby pamby approach,” Roberts offered.  “The Pharisees had a better grasp of an eye for an eye and what it takes to get ahead in this world and stay ahead.  This concept of grace is fine at times but it has no place in most things.”

Despite taking a dim view of some of Jesus’ teachings, the Mega-Church of Christians of Houston does not plan on changing its name to reflect their beliefs.

“The Christian brand has a lot of power and equity in America and it needs to be preserved,” Roberts said.  “While we might disagree with a lot of what Jesus said we have to honour the power of the brand.  Christian in synonymous with what is good, wholesome, proper and decent.  Why wouldn’t we want to keep that branding for our church?”

The congregation will still be encouraged to pray in Jesus’ name but they just will not pray for those things that violate their right-wing political and moral theology.

“We stand for sound morals and the avoidance of all appearance of evil,” Roberts said.  “We won’t teach people that Jesus didn’t exist, but we certainly won’t remind people how much he hung around poor, low-class nobodies with a nasty reputation for sinning and ungodly living.  If you are a friend of sinners and prostitutes, you are no friend of mine.  I wouldn’t tell my kids to hang out with a rag tag group of immoral partiers like that so I won’t be telling my church to.”

Since Pastor Roberts announced his position attendance and giving at his 15,000 member church has increased.

“We’ve heard far more positive sermons,” regular attender Karl Unzo said.  “How to live healthier.  How to gain God’s favour and blessing.  I can’t get enough of those kind of messages.”

Roberts plans to launch a series of books and podcasts outlining his new theology with a touring conference event to aid in the marketing featuring some of todays top Christian musical acts.  He’s also writing a book on church leadership because there simply isn’t enough of them already.

“It’s an important shift.  People want a religion that lines up with who they are and what they believe,” Roberts said.  “We have strong American values rooted in the Bible that the whole world wants.  It’s our destiny and calling to share that through whatever means necessary, even if is contrary to what Jesus said.”

Watch Dawn of the Day  hosted by Rick and Anita Siemens all this week on CIPP-TV Channel 116 for full interviews.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer.  Click here to read all about how this story and website is fictional and satire.  Don’t bother snoping it cause she ain’t real dude.  Have a great day and keep your stick on the ice and head up.

Photo:  Jake Guild – https://www.flickr.com/photos/simpleskye/

Dawn of The Day Set To Inspire

Dawn of The Day – Local pastors Rick and Anita Siemens convinced their followers to donate money to buy a one-hour time block each day on our TV station.

We love it because it brings in easy money and fills an hour of Canadian content without us lifting a finger.

Rick and Anita will fill their time with extended interviews with professional guest speakers, authors promoting their latest books and other like-minded Christians.  There will be a healthy dose of prosperity gospel and repeated pleas for donations to keep the program on the air.

Click here to read Rick and Anita Siemens’ profile.