Homely people are excited about new program to end homeliness in Portage la Prairie

Homeliness In Portage la Prairie To Be Eliminated By Local TV Station Initiative

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

CIPP – TV is looking to change the face of Portage la Prairie for the better.  The local TV station announced the launch of a new initiative to end homeliness once and for all in the Manitoba city.

“The message we’re sending out is we want to make Portage la Prairie beautiful again,” CIPP – TV station owner Ryan Coke announced.  “It’s time we took the problem of homeliness head on and get rid of it.”

“We want to make walking our streets enjoyable by putting the “fair” back into our city.”

The ‘Make Portage la Prairie Beautiful Again” initiative will take the expertise of the television station to battle homeliness everywhere in the city.

“As a television broadcaster we know how to make things look much better than they are,” Coke said.  “It is high time we leverage that to make the people of Portage easier to look at.”

“I’m glad CIPP –TV is stepping up to help us deal with homeliness in Portage,” Mayor Sherman Moffat said.  “I look forward to the day we can all walk the streets of Portage and not have to be witness to homeliness on our streets.”

The multi-pronged program will see Portagers trained in hair and make up techniques, fashion and poise by TV station employees so they can hit the streets to assist with make overs and general beauty education.

“There are a lot of Portagers who look terrible right now but with a bit of help and effort could be made to look half-decent with a good hair cut and some make up,” Coke explained.

At an event that took on the tone of a political rally, fuelling speculation station owner Ryan Coke is considering a run for Mayor the announcement drew cheers and rave reviews.

“I think this is just what the town needs,” Portager, Irma Chartrand said.  “There is no need for the amount of ugly people we see in Portage on a daily basis.  I think we could see an end to homeliness within a year.”

Coke admits that even with hair, make up and clothing help some Portagers may still end up being on the homely side.  He points to the fact that some may have to employ stylish veils, hats, and sunglasses to hide their ugliness. “If someone has decent eyes and hides behind a veil they become exotic and alluring,” Coke offered.  “But ultimately there are those Portagers that even that may not help.  For those who go through the program but remain unattractive we will work with their employers to have them work nights and away from the public eye.”

“The beautification of our citizenry is long over-due,” Moffat said.  “By putting an end of homeliness we will be able to attract more business and industries.  It’s not just the ugly people who will benefit.  We will all stand to win.”

Coke refused to say whether his new initiative had anything to do with his political aspirations but did comment on the upcoming civic election.

“I think it would make sense for a media baron like myself to run for office some day.  I already control the news and information so why not control the public purse too.”

Unnamed sources say Coke’s decision to run will depend on whether or not Billy Neepawa seeks the mayor’s chair.  Neepawa is seen as a potential populist favourite if he enters the race.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclaimer and disclosure on the true but non-sinister nature of this story and website.  They are both fictional and satirical in origin.  While based loosely on rumours and theories about the goings on of Portage la Prairie and area this story is completely fanciful and ridiculous.  These people don’t really exist so their names can’t appear on any ballot.  Or can they?  That is crazy.  Please don’t be tricked into contributing to one or several of these fictional character’s campaign funds.  If you do, you likely will contribute to the further addiction and delinquency of those asking.  The name Billy Neepawa is very silly.  This site is not associated directly or indirectly to Russia, its agents or Donald Trump and is not designed or intended to influence your voting in any election real or otherwise.  But then again would we tell you if we were?  In the upside down world this website might become real and you may be fictional – what then?  Make Portage la Prairie beautiful again!

Photo credit – Victorio Marasigan

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CIPP -TV Channel 116 plans International Skeptics Day marathon of programs

Local Fictional TV Station C.I.P.P. Celebrates International Skeptics Day With Doubtful Promotion & Programming Lineup

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

Hit local imaginary TV station C.I.P.P. is celebrating a dubious holiday with a special programming schedule in honour of International Skeptics Day Saturday January 13.

“Based on the fact we are a fictional and questionable television station that exists only on the internet we felt this was an important holiday to celebrate,” station founder, owner and general manager Ryan Coke said in an email he sent to the promotions department.

“We are naturally quite skeptical of our own existence as a media outlet so we will be airing an imaginary marathon of shows that cater to the skeptic in all of us,” Coke said.

Saturday’s schedule will include a marathon of Unsolved Mysteries, The Lowe Files with Rob Lowe, Penn & Teller: Fool Us ending with a local show on the conspiracy to dominate the world from Portage la Prairie called, The Republic(click here for trailer) if you can believe any of it.

The day will kick off at 6am local standard time on Channel 116 on your UHF/internet dial.  If you don’t currently subscribe to C.I.P.P. TV, contact your local cable provider and ask for it.  If you actually do this, please record the conversation and share it with us, we’d love to hear what they tell you.

“C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 is all about skepticism and questioning everything,” Coke shared.  “We feel it is part of our brand, although we are quite trivial at the same time.  Skepticism is essentially the opposite of trivialism, the notion that everything is true and possible so I’m starting to doubt this station’s philosophy and guiding principles along with my own relevance.”

Despite the discovery of a confused company mandate, C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 will celebrate International Skeptics Day with special promotion and programming including fun video interviews where C.I.P.P. TV staff share their biggest doubts and questions.

In between programs you’ll hear News@6 Anchors Iona Stonehouse and Jack Hoffman doubt their show will ever have improved ratings, PP After School Host Chuckles Plenty shares how he questions the validity of child labour laws, Traffic Manager, Tara Cherry wonders aloud about the merits of pet marriage, Chief Engineer, Pierce Cox questions whether or not his skills as a broadcast engineer are being wasted getting porn-related viruses off station computers, Promotions Manager, Tess Teckle questions why the station would want to promote such a potentially negative holiday and Saturday Night Videos Host, Rhianna Meeches voices her fear that the age of the music video might be over and how her show may ultimately be cancelled.

“The critics and skeptics out there have been quite uncomplimentary of the TV station so far,” Coke said.  “We hope to get them on side by pandering to them by really playing up International Skeptics Day.  It just might become an annual thing.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – if you are doubting the authenticity of International Skeptics Day, this story and website then you should click here to read the full disclaimer and accompanying links to the full legal explanation.  We doubt many of you will actually do that but that is what makes us skeptical.  This story, website and entire endeavour is quite skeptical but that is about all that is actually true.  The remainder is purely fictional, made up and not real.  This story and website are intended for the amusement of its creators and a few loyal readers or those who stumbled on this via some kind of social media link from someone who thought it was true because they could only read the headline and didn’t have the attention span to read the whole article or even the first couple of paragraphs.  This is obviously not the case with you.  You likely read most of the story and this whole nonsensical, lengthy notice of disclosure and admission of stupidity.  Good on you for sticking with it.  Either you are entirely bored or we are remarkable creators.  CIPP-TV is sorry for your boredom.

Photo Credit – eye dropper

Shart Week On CIPP-TV Portage la Prairie

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Too afraid of sharts to go into the water?

The City of Portage la Prairie and local, hit TV station CIPP-TV are teaming up to present a week-long marathon of programming documenting a frightening phenomenon, the shart.

2873215984_c1de83b174_bPrevalent in the region, sharts are a terrifying and all too common problem for Portagers.  Media juggernaut, CIPP-TV and the City of Portage are hoping to exploit this regional problem for ratings and tourism gains.

Production crews have been working for months to create a week’s worth of programming dedicated to telling the story of the shart.

Often misunderstood and feared, the shart first appeared thousands of years ago and has evolved and thrived in the Central Plains area.  Although they should be respected the reality is you are more likely to be seriously harmed by a mosquito than a shart.

520604226_9308d37efe_bHere is a list of these can’t miss episodes airing this week.

  • “Shart Lair” – see where sharts live.
  • “Sharts of Darkness” – some say they are a mere myth while others believe the largest and most impressive sharts live hidden in the dark and only come out at night while we sleep.
  • “Don’t go into the water” – a Portage man tells of his ill-timed shart incident and fouling of local pool.
  • “Shart Attack” – a collection of Portage’s most alarming shart encounters resulting in injury.
  • “Deuces are Wild” – sharts in the wild are caught in their natural habitat.
  • “Shart Body Language” – what does the physical makeup of a shart tell us.
  • “Sharts – Predators or Prey?” – while some sharts hunt others are eaten.
  • “Sharts of Different Colours” – sharts come in a rainbow of colours that can tell us a lot about the shart and the sharter.
  • “Sharts – Maneater of Myth” – what is real and what is legend in the world of sharts.
  • “Sharts of Crescent Lake” – sharts that lurk in and around Portage’s lake.
  • “Great Shart Hunt” – go along with some of the best shart collectors.
  • “Great White Sharts” – albino sharts are the most dangerous but thankfully the most rare.  Discover what you have to eat to get white sharts and what underlying health problems are at work.
  • “Shart Cage” – camer crews get up close and personal with a variety of sharts.
  • “Sharts of the Red Triangle” – where is the Red Triangle and how does it make sharts more aggressive.
  • “Blood in the Water” – when the shart hits the fan and messes with hemorrhoids.

Tune in 7pm-10pm all week-long on CIPP-TV Channel 116.

Notice to reader/disclaimer – this site and story are fictional – that means it’s not real.  You are real, well at least we think you are real but what you are reading is not.  Wait a minute, does that mean because you just read this you are fictional as well?  Hold on, I’m confused.

Headline Photo: Gui Siez – https://www.flickr.com/photos/guiseiz/

Body Photo: Kingdom For A Donkey – https://www.flickr.com/photos/akingdomforadonkey/

Body Photo 2: Brendan Gray – https://www.flickr.com/photos/grayskull/

New TV Station Launches “Show Us Your PP” Contest

showupcippsign1Portage la Prairie, MB –

Show us you PP and win a trip for 2 to Las Vegas!  Starting July 1 all CIPP-TV Channel 116 viewers have to do is make a sign showing the world your support of Portage la Prairie’s newest television station.

Make a sign with the CIPP-TV call letters and show it to the world.  If we see it or share a photo of it live on MBN News@6 and MBN News@11, you’ll be entered for a chance to win the trip to Las Vegas.  The bigger and bolder your PP is the better your chance is of winning.

PP spotters will be roving around Portage la Prairie and southern Manitoba in unmarked white vans handing out instant prizes to everyone showing off their PP and entering viewers for the grand prize.

Winning has never been easier.  Just put your PP on display in your car, in your window, on your lawn, at work or wherever you hang out, if we see your PP you could be a big winner!

photo couple holding sign(modified): Takver: https://www.flickr.com/photos/takver/

Disclaimer.

Tess Teckle – Promotions Manager

The ever energetic and bubbly Tess has a degree in sports marketing but never worked a day in that industry.  She has been working as a server since graduating university in 2005.  Tess is excited to have her first job in the marketing area.  She promises to blow sunshine and rainbows up viewer’s and staff’s ass every day.