PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – Jimmy Watson just wanted to finish his shift at the potato factory, come home and have a beer but he ended up embroiled in some high drama with some neighbourhood kids.
Watson, also known as North-End Jimmy, is a life-long Portage la Prairian and as such, he frequently unwinds after a long hard day making potatoes with a nice cold one.
Last Friday, Jimmy came home to a driveway full of bicycles and the screams of teenagers coming from his back yard. His side fence was knocked over and there was a strong animal musk in the air.
“It was like all hell was breaking loose back there,” Watson explained. “I keep my beer fridge on my covered back patio and I knew that was a mistake when I heard all the screaming.”
What an ill conceived plan leaving beer unlocked on his back deck it was. North-End Jimmy rushed to the fridge and as he turned the corner he could see his fridge laying on the yard with the door ripped off.
“I started yelling and swearing at those kids for drinking my beer,” Watson offered. “All these years of living here and I’ve never had a single beer taken. Now all of it was gone.”
Watson kept about four dozen beer in the fridge and had just restocked it last weekend. The weather has been cool so he claims he hadn’t had more than a dozen or two.
Jake Romasnki, a grade 12 student, quickly tried to explain why he and his friends were in the yard and what happened to North-End Jimmy’s beer.
“The squatches have been pretty bad around here lately. A while back we had one in the Corner Store buying chips but they’ve never done this before,” Romanski claimed.
It is alleged the a lone male sasquatch came down 10th Street N.W., knocked down a portion of Watson’s fence and ransacked the fridge. Although all the neighbourhood kids own advanced smart-phones none of them were able to function them to capture a video of the incident.
“The kids did seem pretty scared but I’m a little suspicious there was no video,” Watson said. “I couldn’t tell if I smelled beer on them or if it was what spilled in the yard.”
All three friends are adamant they were trying to see what the sasquatch was doing and were preparing to scare him off if he came back.
The bigfoot was last seen heading for the tracks on 8th Street. N.W. carrying a large armful of beer. Authorities did question the kids and were satisfied it was likely a sasquatch event even though there wasn’t much evidence.
“They found half a foot print next to the driveway and some fur on the fence but that was about it,” Watson said. “If they are going to start stealing my beer then the police better crack down on them.”
Sasquatches sightings in the North-End have been on the rise lately and authorities admit they don’t know why they are venturing out from their normal range in the Island Park and South-End areas.”
“Maybe they are having more babies and the males have to find their own territory,” North-End Jimmy theorized. “Since they don’t wear pants it was pretty easy for the kids to know he was a male. Besides the female squatches don’t normally drink beer.”
If you or anyone you know spot a sasquatch in the North-End or anywhere they are not suppose to be you are asked to call the police and let them handle it.
Please don’t approach any sasquatch found consuming North-End Jimmy’s beer or any alcoholic beverage as the drug may make them unstable and unruly.
Railway police are steeping up patrols and hoping to prevent sasquatch groups from setting up camp on rail land.
North-End Jimmy vows to repair his fence this weekend and buy a new fridge with a lock for his beer.
“I’ll likely set up some extra security to scare them off if they come back again. It really pissed me off they would take my beer. Like really?”
Disclaimer/disclosure – click here to read a full on assault of information regarding the true nature of this website and story. In case you were confused this story is made up, fictional and not real. Sasquatches, of course, are real, Portage la Prairie is a little too real including the North-End but the rest of this is nonsense. Beer is real but no one named North-End Jimmy makes potatoes for a living and he certainly doesn’t drink beer every night after work. We love you all and especially anyone who read to the very end of this story and disclaimer. Well, we are actually a little worried about you because who does that? Weirdo.
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