Will Arnett gets lost trying to get from Winnipeg to Portage driving 150kms

Will Arnett Gets Lost Driving “150 Clicks” From Winnipeg To Portage la Prairie – Located 3 Days Later In Carberry

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Just days after releasing a video on Vanity Fair on Canadian slang, Will Arnett attempted to drive the “150 clicks” from Winnipeg to Portage la Prairie he mentioned in the video to visit relatives.

Family reported the Toronto born star missing the following day when he failed to show up at Splash Island for a family gathering and pool party.

“We rented the pool for the afternoon and was expecting Will to show up at noon,” Arnett’s Aunt Molly said.  “Will loves Island Park so we got worried when he didn’t show up.”

Police managed to locate Arnett in the parking lot of the Sand Hills Casino just south of Carberry Manitoba.

“It would appear Mr. Arnett set his cruise control just outside of Headingley and was expecting to drive 150 kilometers to Portage when the actual distance is about 70 kilometers,” Police spokesperson Brenda Walby said.  “He became distracted and didn’t see the exit signs to Portage la Prairie and proceeded to the Carberry turn off.  He indicated he followed signs to a casino and spent the next several days there where we found him in his rented vehicle sleeping.  Several locals recognized him as someone who might be on TV and contacted police after he hung around the parking lot for a couple of days asking where the water slides were.”

Arnett was taken to hospital for observation and autographs and was then returned to his family gathering on Island Park in Portage la Prairie.

“We bought Will a day pass to Splash Island, so he was very happy,” his Aunt Molly said.  “Will’s parents are from Winnipeg but Will grew up in Toronto so it only makes sense he would get lost in the wilds of Manitoba”

Arnett will be spending the next few days enjoying local tourist attractions like Delta Beach on Lake Manitoba, several walking trails and the Portage la Prairie Mall.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and explanation of the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website along with links to some amazing legal mombo jumbo.  Portage la Prairie, Winnipeg and Carberry are real and Will Arnett is real, but the story is completely made up, and fanciful and full of delight.  Please do not share this with your friends on social media if you are trying to trick them into thinking this is real.  Please do share abundantly if you think it is funny and enjoyed the humour.  CIPPTV is a fictional television station that exists as a satirical website so please do not tune into Channel 116 looking for us.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Gage Skidmore

Video – Vanity Fair Will Arnett Explains Canadian Slang

 

 

Portage to host Canada's National Terrorist Rehabilitation Centre

Trudeau Announces Portage MDC To Become Canada’s First Terrorist Rehabilitation Centre

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the Federal Government have allocated funding for the creation of Canada’s first National Terrorist Rehabilitation Centre to be set up in Portage la Prairie.

“Portage la Prairie has a rich and glorious history in rehabilitation and human warehousing which makes it perfectly positioned to host this ground breaking initiative,” Prime Minister Trudeau said in a statement.

Local officials are rejoicing over the big win for the under-utilized Manitoba Developmental Centre.

“The MDC has a proud tradition in rehabilitation and re-integrating people facing barriers to regular society,” MDC spokesperson Trevor Boar said.  “We currently have an abundance of available space and resources like psych-nurses and psychiatrists to get the program going.”

The plan will involve the relocation of terrorists who are returning to Canada from overseas campaigns after they have been disillusioned over their experiences.

“Those who participate and promote terrorism and extremism need to be dissuaded from violence and hate and need help reintegrating into the mainstream,” NTRC head, Jerome Mellenville said.  “This will require a multi-faceted approach with many partners”

The Manitoba Developmental Centre has a proven track record of working with people and supporting their return to the community.  Many group homes provide community living now versus permanent institutionalizing, a model the new Terrorist Rehab Centre is hoping to copy.

“We hope to work with terrorists and then put them in group homes around Portage,” Mellenville said.

The Government of Canada is providing up to $50,000.00 a year per terrorist in funding to the centre and local officials are heralding the move as a boon to the local economy.

“It’s all about growth,” city spokesperson Larry Wiltshire said.  “This will bring up to 100 new, good-paying jobs to Portage.  Some of them will actually live here and the rest will commute in from Winnipeg.  This will increase our tax base and help make Portage better in vague intangible ways.”

Because the MDC has empty space ready to go the first terrorists will arrive early next month as the program ramps up over the next two years.

“With American foreign policy the way it is we see a steady and renewable source of clients for the centre moving forward,” Boar said.  “We’ve seen that bombing and killing terrorists over the past 20 years has had little to no impact on the total number of extremists.  This is definitely a growth industry and Portage will be on the cutting edge.”

The new rehabilitation centre plans to educate terrorists that their radical idealism is heretical and wrong, by expanding their world view and knowledge combined with group hugs and music.

“There have been successful tests done in other places in the world so we are confident our approach will work,” Boar said.  “We even think the program might work for the far right and far left leaning members of our own country to become reformed and easier to live with.”

 

Okay, this story is satire but here is a story that isn’t satire from the Toronto Star.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer.  If you were bright enough to realize this story and website were fictional and satirical then you needn’t bother reading more about this.  If you are confused you should read the full disclaimer although we’re not sure even the full disclaimer will help with your grasp on reality.  You’re probably just sitting there, rocking back and forth screaming “fake news! fake news!”.  

Photo Credit:  Ant Smallwood

Carman Manitoba hosts singles event featuring cougars and beavers

Local Single Man Seeking Romance Travels To Carman To See Cougars & Beavers

CARMAN, MB –

Portager Billy Neepawa signed up online for a singles mixer event in Carman Manitoba hoping to find love but came home alone after watching the goalie get pulled twice in one day.

The singles ad promised a “fun, friendly and relaxed atmosphere” for area singles to get together and watch the Carman Cougars followed by the Beavers.  Neepawa was excited about having an event of this nature so close to home.

“The ad said we would watch the Cougars play in the afternoon and the Beavers in the evening,” Neepawa shared.  “I thought, wow!  This is pretty progressive for a small town like Carman.”

Mr. Neepawa spent most of Saturday morning grooming and washing himself up for the big event.

“It took me quite a while to shave and shower cause it had been a while.  Then I had to find my best plaid shirt.  I put a lot of effort into this.”

“All the ad said was the event was happening at 44 Ed Belfour Drive in Carman so I Google mapped it and took off,” Neepawa said.

When Neepawa arrived he was disappointed to find himself at the Carman Arena being charged 6 dollars to get into a Zone IV high school hockey game between Portage and Carman.

“The Cougars really gave the Trojans all they could handle,” Neepawa said.  “The Trojans were lucky to get out of there in one piece.  Portage was down by a couple and pulled the goalie but Carman got an empty netter.”

Neepawa says he wasn’t that impressed with the collection of local singles in attendance.

“There was your regular selection of religious girls in skirts, pale dudes with bad haircuts and a few gender neutrals with braces,” Neepawa explained.  “I did connect with a nice lady from St. Claude who works at an automated dairy barn but she was allergic to the cat hair on my clothes.”

While the numbers of singles increased for the Beavers game in the evening, Neepawa was still left wanting.

“The Beavers were playing the Maroons but it felt like I was being played the moron for coming to this thing,” Neepawa lamented.

The singles mixer saw a large influx of available twenty-somethings from the Altona area but Neepawa was iced from most conversations.

“The Altona chicks were pretty cute but all they could talk about was the amazing college and careers event they went to last night at the MCC Church.  No one was interested in my cats and tales of Portage la Prairie.”

Neepawa says he will not give up on his quest for love and hopes to connect with a hipster singles group in the city soon.

“I think they might find a quirky cat guy from Portage kind of intriguing.  I’ll just have to get all the cat hair of my clothes before I go.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the satirical nature of this story and website.  Both are fictional.  Fictional means “made up” or “not real”.  If you really have to read the full disclaimer to understand this story is just for fun and not real you may have to seek out further help and counselling and we feel sad for you but wish you the best.

 

Photo Credit – Gregg O’Connell

Portage make out spots

Top Make Out Spots In Portage la Prairie

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A sultry survey exclusive to CIPP-TV reveals Portagers are getting hot and heavy in a variety of locations in and around Portage la Prairie.

In light of the fact Portage la Prairie folks make love more than any other municipality, except Carman(click here to read the full story), we wanted to find out where Portagers are getting frisky outside the home.  We were surprised the list included garbage dumps and graveyards but hey, this is the City of Possibilities.

The survey was conducted the first week of September and showed 9 locations were responsible for 88% of the make-out sessions.  These were romantic encounters that either occurred outside, at a public place or in an automobile.

Here is the hit list.

The Dump Hill – Portage’s version of make out point.  Respondents noted the highest point in Portage made them feel closer to the stars and the views of Mellenville and the Trans Canada Highway were exceptionally romantic.  The knowledge they were making love on a mound of decades worth of garbage felt fitting for some and ironic for others.

Island Park at night –  When the sun goes down and the shadows come out the dimly lit park offers lovers a plethora of options.  Wide open spaces, secluded spots and grassy meadows all add romance to a late night date.  Please note that during the winter none of these apply.

The Portage Diversion –  Portage’s Niagara Falls attracts romantics year round.  The roar of the falls and natural beauty provide the perfect back drop for romantic encounters.  Like Niagara Falls, the diversion attracts a large number of honeymoon couples from nearby hotels.

Delta Beach – A moonlight walk along the beach, a bon-fire for two or a little hanky-panky in the water on a hot summer day are all reasons why this attraction just 15 minutes north is well worth the trip.  Just a warning to all considering Delta – sand in your shorts or other places could prove hazardous.

The Portage Mall – If a quiet secluded place to make out is your preference than The Mall is a perfect destination.  Open during the day and evenings, with few stores and fewer shoppers you will virtually have your choice of spots for love fun.

The Old Lagoons – In the north-east corner of the city is the old sewage lagoons that are pastoral and isolated.  A perfect place to get close to nature while doing the wild thing while spotting deer, raccoons, gophers and skunks.

Under The Overpass – Portage’s architectural marvel, the Sklyline Bridge is commonly called the Overpass or Tupper Street Bridge but it is a haven for lovers.  A very busy and popular spot for romance seekers and others if you are lucky enough to show up first you’ll want to bring a jacket or blanket to sit on.  Avoid spots where other have gone to the washroom or vomited and you should be fine.

The McKay Reservoir – Portage’s best spot to watch the sunset during the summer.  You can sit on the back of the reservoir’s grassy knoll and enjoy the trains rolling by and a perfect view of the sunset with your partner.  Tucked perfectly between McKay Ave and the train tracks the spot is easily accessed by the new, upgraded path.

Hillside Cemetery – This spot might not be for everyone but if you are feeling like your love life is a little (ahem) dead you might want to give it a whirl.  Quiet, peaceful and serene combines with the fright and creepiness of night for a range of sensations some find appealing.  Please remember to respect grave-sites and stay on roadway and paths.  Who knew the graveyard could breath new life into your relationship.

Survey Shows Portagers Make Love More Often Than Any Other Municipality Except For Carman – Oakville Close Behind

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read more about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  We do not recommend or encourage making love in any of these or any other Portage area locations.  Nor do we support making out in any way, shape or form.  Please do not try this at home or at any of the locations mentioned.  Please see a doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours.  Please eat and drink responsibly and remember its just a game, don’t gamble money you can’t afford.

 

Photo: Nicu Buclei – https://www.flickr.com/photos/nicubunuphotos/

Helix Concert Ends After Fan Won’t Give An “R”

Kelowna, BC –

After 33 years of giving R’s, O’s, C’s and K’s fans of Canadian heavy metal legends, Helix may have run out.  At a rock festival in Kelowna this week the band took the stage to engage the crowd with their iconic sing-back song “R.O.C.K. You”.  When they called Trina Murray on stage to help, they experienced something they have never seen before.

Helix lead singer Brian Vollmer kicked the song off by screaming, “Gimme and R!”  He pointed the microphone to Murray who responded with nothing.  While the drummer and guitarist kept going, Vollmer froze at the snub.

“I just didn’t have an R to give anymore,” Trina Murray explained.  “I knew I couldn’t get to ROCK and I certainly didn’t feel like doing the Rock You thing.”

Murray travelled from her home in Portage la Prairie for the Kelowna show and was initially excited to see one of the favorite bands from her youth.

“I’ve been giving R’s,O’s,C’s and K’s along with Rock You’s since 1984,” Murray said.  “That’s a long time.  I think I just ran out.”

The 50 year-old Portager saw a break down in integrity by singing the song.

“If I’m honest, when I go to concerts now I do just wanna sit there.  I don’t want to get up and move,” Murray shared.  “I certainly don’t want to rock anything anymore.”

“I was excited when I first got called up on stage but I just couldn’t yell something I don’t believe in anymore.”

Helix frontman Brian Vollmer commented after ending the show early.

“Being a Canadian rock superstar isn’t what it used to be,” Vollmer admitted.  “Back in the day we’d get bras and panties thrown at us on stage.  Last year some woman in the front row tossed me her false teeth.  That’s not nearly as sexy as it is gross.”

“I actually am thinking about messaging Helix to see if I can get back some of the R’s I gave them over the years,” Murray said.  “I’d like to give them to something else if it comes up.  They can keep all the ‘Rock You’s’.  I won’t need those anymore.”

Helix still plans on touring but will be screening all audience members at the door to make sure they come packing a full complement of R’s,O’s,C’s,K’s and Rock You’s.

Notice to reader/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and nonsensical nature of this story and website.  Please read and share responsibly.

Photo: cdnmusicdiva https://www.flickr.com/photos/11230183@N05/

Costa Rica Joins Canada – Pallister First Simultaneous Premier Of Two Provinces

San Jose, Costa Rica –

Brian Pallister silences critics and makes history by convincing Central America’s best country to join confederation.

Since becoming Premier of Manitoba, Pallister has faced harsh criticism over how much time he spends at his vacation home in Costa Rica but CIPP-TV has now learned the real reason he has been spending so many “working vacations” there.

Pallister has quietly been working with Costa Rican President Luis Guillermo Solis on a plan for the progressive tropical nation to become Canada’s eleventh province.

Information on the pending union broke during current NAFTA negotiations and specific details are still being worked out.

“We hope to have everything done by the end of the year,” Pallister said via government phone in Costa Rica.  “I’ll be spending most of the winter here working out the details.”

Negotiators for both countries identified shared values and a progressive economic approach as the primary reasons to amalgamate.  Other reasons were that Costa Rica has no armed forces and Canada is really cold in the winter.

Initial reports indicate that Brian Pallister will assume the leadership of the new province during the transition making him the first Canadian Premier of two provinces at the same time.  It is an honour that sets him apart from all the other Premiers who have come from in and around his home town of Portage la Prairie.  President Solis will become deputy Premier of both provinces.

“Oh sure, it’s a real privilege to make history like this,” Pallister said.  “The Portage area has produced many premiers and one prime minister but I’ll be the first to lead two provinces at once.”

Because of this point, the capital city of San Jose Costa Rica will be re-named Portage la Prairie and the capital of Manitoba will be switched to Portage la Prairie, Manitoba.

“Like Costa Rica, Portage was once the capital of its own republic, so now is the time to make both Portage la Prairie Manitoba and Portage la Prairie Costa Rica the rightful capitals of both provinces,” Pallister explained.

No longer will Pallister and his family have to defend how much time they spend away from Manitoba as he will be required to live six to eight months a year in the tropical country.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau applauds the move and feels all Canadians will embrace their new sibling.

“Costa Rica is the best country in Central America and we are the best country in North America,” Trudeau said.  “We will actively work to determine which is the best country in South America and see if we can convince it to join confederation to form the best empire in the world.”

“Canadians are looking forward to having our own warm-weather vacation spot,” Trudeau said.  “Costa Rica will be the Canadian Hawaii.”

With almost 5 million people, Costa Rica will be Canada’s fourth most populated province and representatives from San Jose(Portage la Prairie) Costa Rica are meeting with the NHL to secure a hockey team rumoured to be called the Terriers.

Costa Rican President Solis is in Portage la Prairie working on plans for the new capital building.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website if you couldn’t already realize this was just a joke.  A joke boy! I said a joke!

Photo: kansasphoto – https://www.flickr.com/photos/34022876@N06/

Vacationing Portagers Caught Saying They Are From Winnipeg

Orlando, FL –

A Portage family learned it’s a small world after all, after an embarrassing moment is witnessed by Portage child at Disney World.

The Martens’ family didn’t think anyone was watching, and they certainly weren’t expecting to be recognized while in Florida during their vacation.

While waiting in line for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, Crystal Martens struck up a conversation with a family in front of her from Indiana.

“We were just chit-chatting about the kids,” Crystal Martens said.  “The lady commented on my accent and then asked me where we were from.”

Martens had encountered this question before and felt the awkwardness of trying to explain she was from Portage la Prairie, Manitoba, Canada.

“I’ve told other people where we were from but it really throws them for a loop,” Martens explained.  “By the time you get Portage la Prairie out you might as well tell them you’re from Saskatchewan.  Americans don’t have a clue what you said.”

The not-so-proud Portager claims she wasn’t try to hide the fact she was from Central Manitoba’s finest city.

“It just seemed easier.  I looked at my son Daylon and he was wearing his Jets hat, so I just told the woman we were from Winnipeg.”

The white lie worked.  The family in front of them knew the Winnipeg Jets and that they were from Canada.

Mrs. Martens and her family did not realize the Roulette family, also from Portage, were just two groups behind them.  Seven-year-old Randy Travis-Roulette recognized the Martens and blurted out an innocent response.

“Little Randy heard me and wanted to correct me,” Martens said.

“You’re not from Winnipeg,” Randy Travis-Roulette screamed.  “You’re from Portage.”

The scene turned from friendly to uncomfortable as the family from Indiana questioned Martens on if she was telling the truth.

Martens’ new friends quickly distanced themselves once Mrs. Martens was unable to explain to her what a Portage la Prairie, Manitoba is and where it is situated in relation to Winnipeg.  The family from Indiana dismissed the Martens as frauds and went about their day doubting the integrity of all the other Canadians they met.

“It’s still way easier telling people you’re from Winnipeg,” Martens maintained.  “Next time I’ll look around to make sure there aren’t any other Portagers around.”

 

Notice to readers about this story and website being fictional and satirical.  Please don’t claim this or other stories are “fake news”.  Fake news is designed to mislead and what some call anything they disagree with.  Fiction and Satire are designed to entertain and make you laugh.  Those who can’t tell the difference should never visit this site again.

 

Photo: Julie, Dave & Family – https://www.flickr.com/photos/dave_minogue/