PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – Light fingered Portagers are ready to put their skills on display in the annual Shoplifting Expo next week in Portage la Prairie.
The City is home to a small, but dedicated group of thieves who are among the best anywhere. This year shoplifters from across the country will be eligible to register for the Shoplifting World Championship.
Teams of three shoplifters will compete in the following games to earn points for the championship.
The Dollar Store Dash – competitors have 60 seconds to grab as much as they can and the team with the largest dollar value wins.
Liquour Lifters – competitors will be judged on the volume and variety of liquor they can steal.
Supermarket Swindlers – this is a race with carts and trucks. Thieves must load up carts with as much as they can, evade store employees and deposit their booty into an awaiting half-ton and make it successfully of the parking lot.
Corner Store Cheats – working as a team they have to see how much they can steal from an unsuspecting and underpaid store employee without them noticing.
Clothing Kleptomaniacs – a challenge for the best of the best where a new wardrobe has to be worn out of the store without being physically stopped.
Drive Thru Bandits – a test of speed and agility as drive thru orders must be snatched at the take out window.
Vending Machine Vandals – feats of strength and skill will be required to see how much ill-gotten gain can be gathered from area vending machines.
Makeup Muggers – beauty supplies are expensive and easy to sell online so those shoplifters with this skill stand to make out like bandits.
Open Plunder – this is a new competition designed to highlight creativity and randomness when it comes to stealing. The most eclectic and perhaps useless object stolen will win, the actual value of the item will have no bearing on the outcome. To be judged by a panel of local celebrities, law enforcement and politicians.
This year’s Expo will end with a Social on Sunday night and will include a Midway in Heritage Square Friday and Saturday. Admission is free but spectators are reminded to lock their vehicles and keep valuables out of sight.
There will be bouncy castles and cotton candy for the kids and the Library will have a large display of crime books set up.
Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and disclosure and other legal stuff that is very important. There is no such thing as a Shoplifting Exhibition however shoplifting is quite often on display in Portage at a variety of local businesses on any given day. It is a true pain in the ass and most of the people who do it are assholes. For some reason our society puts up with it and little is done to these people. Most of them are not stealing because they can’t afford to feed their kids. Most of the idiots are just addicts and/or assholes with a huge sense of entitlement. They steal and the honest working people have to pay for it in the end. Bullshit. We’re not sure how this is part of the disclaimer. It reads more like a rant. Our apologies. We will try and develop a disclaimer for the disclaimer in the future. Oh yea, this story and website is fictional like it says at the top of the bloody page.