PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Popular local TV station C.I.P.P. was winner of a prestigious national award from the CRTC for excellence in news and information gathering.

The annual For The People Award was presented to station owner and general pain in the ass Ryan Coke last night at a gala in Ottawa.

“It’s an honour to receive this award in our first year of operation, it was one of our goals when we started C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 to win a national award,” Ryan Coke said in a written statement since he no longer speaks directly to his staff using words.

The CRTC hands out the For The People Award to the station which “demonstrates excellence in pandering to local community groups, businesses and organizations for financial or political gain in their local expression and information gathering.  For The People Award honours those broadcasters making little to no actual difference in their communities by covering stories that are truly about nothing more than self-congratulation and positive presentations on events, issues and initiatives that accomplish nothing.”

A story about the City of Portage la Prairie placing 11th on the list of best places to live in Manitoba scored the upstart media outlet the win.  The six-minute feature story outlined all the highlights and benefits of Portage and area and included a rousing pitch from elected officials and prominent business leaders.  Locals credit the piece for helping Portage climb from 15th place all the way to 11 as they noted nothing had actually changed from the last time the survey was done.

“Channel 116 C.I.P.P. did an amazing job in it’s first few months of operation,” CRTC presenter Vaughn Peterson-Kent said.  “Their coverage of Portage la Prairie and the entire Central Plains area did an excellent job in making the place look almost inhabitable and successfully won over business and elected officials.  They are a shining light to the rest of the country as to what imaginary, sarcastic and satirical media outlets can achieve.  C.I.P.P. TV is a true champion for their community and we are pleased to celebrate them.  It is further evidence we made the right decision in giving them a broadcast license even though they exist only on the inter-web.”

Ryan Coke was reported to have been quite surprised at the award since he felt “the overall ability and creativity of our team is deplorable.”

“I actually thought the story from CKX in Brandon about the pathetic attempt at a city-wide garbage clean up sponsored by a fast food chain would win,” Coke admitted.

Staff at the local television station of choice took the opportunity to celebrate at a local pizza restaurant called Mano’s by getting drunk, loud and obnoxious, which is what most of their stories are like.

“We’ve pandered and pooh-poohed just about every business and group possible so far and its nice to be acknowledged for doing what we do,” Ryan Coke said.  “Winning a national award really validates us and what we do.  It’s what we live for actually.  We can now say we are an award-winning station.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and get the full legal low down on the fictional nature of this story and website.  Don’t worry CIPP-TV is not a real television station and they did not receive a national award for their ridiculous stories and so-called coverage.  They do covet a national award because everybody likes to get a trophy and nowadays you can get a trophy for just about anything, not to mention get a national award.  Awards are good but that doesn’t make this story any more real.  Don’t try and trick your friends into thinking this is real or they will grow to dislike you more and trust you less, if that is possible.  Don’t drink and drive either.  Certainly don’t text and drive and please don’t leave your dog in the car on a hot day.  These are very bad things you should avoid.  Now aren’t you glad you read this entire paragraph?

Photo Credit – John S and James L. Knight