PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –
An unprecedented economic boon is about to hit Portage la Prairie with the recent discovery of Bitcoins in the fertile plains of Manitoba.
Bitcoin prospectors made the discovery after initial internet research led them to believe large deposits of the cryptocurrency might exist here.
“After initial probing in the Portage area we were led to a site we believe holds the largest deposit of Bitcoins to date in the world,” Bitcoin prospector Percy Todd said. “We plan to start extracting coin from the mine in less than three months.
The world’s first open-pit Bitcoin mine will be set up at the sight of the Portage la Prairie Mall in the west end of Portage. Portage’s premiere political leader Murphy Braun attended the announcement today and was thrilled at the news.
“Economic development is the most important thing there is,” Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun said. “Bitcoin is the new diamond, even more valuable than that. We have more Bitcoin available in Portage la Prairie than anywhere else. This means we should all become richer. The owners will become by far the richest but we will see a trickle down to even the lowliest Portager.”
The open-pit mine concept was encouraged by local civic leaders since it is uglier, less environmentally friendly and more suited to the community ethos. Most existing Bitcoin mines use computers housed inside to form the block chain needed for the cryptocurrency but rather than use the available empty space in the Portage Mall developers will dig a two hundred foot pit on the site of the former retail hub.
“We are going to work with some brilliant computer geniuses and make Portage la Prairie the first municipality to adopt Bitcoin as it’s currency,” Braun shared. “Virtual money is all the rage nowadays and we need to keep up with the times and be a leader in e-moneys and things. I just got on Facebook, Tweeter and Instagram last year and everyone loves it.”
Local officials were not able to fully explain how a deposit of a currency that doesn’t exist in the physical realm was found in Portage or how it was going to be mined with a bunch of computers but they trust what the company proposing the mine said.
“We committed 5 million from each of the three level of governments,” Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun explained. “This will be in the form of a donation with no conditions or expectations. We know how to spark economic development and this opportunity will make Portage a world leader is something new, exciting and technical.”
C.I.P.P. – TV polled Portagers and found that most of them had heard of Bitcoin and were excited that the owners of a business who live somewhere else will be getting extremely wealthy by digging a giant pit where the Portage Mall is.
“It’s good for the town,” Lorne Perkins said. “These will be good mining jobs. Probably union jobs, with pensions. That’s what Portage needs.
Other Portagers were excited for the high-tech jobs they don’t really understand.
“With this big hole of computers out at the Portage Mall there will be lots of computer jobs and that should keep the young folk from leaving,” Myrtle Rose said. “My son and granddaughter are good with computers. They can email and all that so maybe they’ll move back to Portage.”
Conservative estimates provided by the development company indicate 2-4 trillion dollars worth of Bitcoin deposits available at the Portage site.
“We could see anywhere from two to three hundred thousand dollars a year come back into Portage for the life of the mine,” Braun said. “They already said they would sponsor a playground in the North End so we know they will be great corporate citizens.”
Due to the highly suspect nature and dubious life-span of the Bitcoin currency the mine will break ground within weeks in order to try to cash in before the cryptocurrency crashes.
Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer, explanation and various other legal documentation. This story is merely fictional and satirical in nature. It is not real. It was made up. This entire website is made up in a similar way. You may find some things, places and public figures that are real but they are presented in a fictional story. As for Bitcoin, it is real, well we’re not actually sure we could prove it but we’re told it’s real and a lot of people are buying it so it must be real.
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