PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the Federal Government have allocated funding for the creation of Canada’s first National Terrorist Rehabilitation Centre to be set up in Portage la Prairie.

“Portage la Prairie has a rich and glorious history in rehabilitation and human warehousing which makes it perfectly positioned to host this ground breaking initiative,” Prime Minister Trudeau said in a statement.

Local officials are rejoicing over the big win for the under-utilized Manitoba Developmental Centre.

“The MDC has a proud tradition in rehabilitation and re-integrating people facing barriers to regular society,” MDC spokesperson Trevor Boar said.  “We currently have an abundance of available space and resources like psych-nurses and psychiatrists to get the program going.”

The plan will involve the relocation of terrorists who are returning to Canada from overseas campaigns after they have been disillusioned over their experiences.

“Those who participate and promote terrorism and extremism need to be dissuaded from violence and hate and need help reintegrating into the mainstream,” NTRC head, Jerome Mellenville said.  “This will require a multi-faceted approach with many partners”

The Manitoba Developmental Centre has a proven track record of working with people and supporting their return to the community.  Many group homes provide community living now versus permanent institutionalizing, a model the new Terrorist Rehab Centre is hoping to copy.

“We hope to work with terrorists and then put them in group homes around Portage,” Mellenville said.

The Government of Canada is providing up to $50,000.00 a year per terrorist in funding to the centre and local officials are heralding the move as a boon to the local economy.

“It’s all about growth,” city spokesperson Larry Wiltshire said.  “This will bring up to 100 new, good-paying jobs to Portage.  Some of them will actually live here and the rest will commute in from Winnipeg.  This will increase our tax base and help make Portage better in vague intangible ways.”

Because the MDC has empty space ready to go the first terrorists will arrive early next month as the program ramps up over the next two years.

“With American foreign policy the way it is we see a steady and renewable source of clients for the centre moving forward,” Boar said.  “We’ve seen that bombing and killing terrorists over the past 20 years has had little to no impact on the total number of extremists.  This is definitely a growth industry and Portage will be on the cutting edge.”

The new rehabilitation centre plans to educate terrorists that their radical idealism is heretical and wrong, by expanding their world view and knowledge combined with group hugs and music.

“There have been successful tests done in other places in the world so we are confident our approach will work,” Boar said.  “We even think the program might work for the far right and far left leaning members of our own country to become reformed and easier to live with.”

 

Okay, this story is satire but here is a story that isn’t satire from the Toronto Star.

 

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Photo Credit:  Ant Smallwood