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Mega Church Pastor Loves The Christian Brand But Is Less Impressed With Jesus

Houston, TX – 

The truth shall set you free, and Jeffery Roberts is telling his congregation the shocking truth about Jesus Christ and will be a guest this week on CIPP-TV’s Dawn of The Day.

“We must read the gospels through the lens of modern revelation,” mega-church Pastor Jeffery Roberts said.  “The Bible is sacred, but we have to look at it from our new perspective.”

Roberts claims he has recently done a thorough examination of some of the teachings of Jesus Christ and found them to range between lacking, and completely heresy, when measured with American values.

“I don’t think some non-white guy in the Middle East would know what he said 2,000 years ago would fly in the face of what we hold most precious today,” Roberts said.  “And besides, the portions we object to only account for 5-10% of the entire Bible.”

Most troubling to Roberts is Jesus’ instructions to love our enemies, not to judge, forgive, help those in need and stand up for the marginalized.

“We can’t teach people to sell their stuff and give the money to those in need,” Roberts explained.  “That’s pretty much communism and we know that doesn’t work.  Today we value those who help themselves, work hard, and hoard for their retirement.  The American Dream is not to give the low-lifes and welfare bums a free ride.”

“How many successful entrepreneurs would there be if they were to employ those kinds of approachs.”

Roberts certainly takes exception to leaders being too much like Jesus.

“We can’t have elected and business leaders taking a mamby pamby approach,” Roberts offered.  “The Pharisees had a better grasp of an eye for an eye and what it takes to get ahead in this world and stay ahead.  This concept of grace is fine at times but it has no place in most things.”

Despite taking a dim view of some of Jesus’ teachings, the Mega-Church of Christians of Houston does not plan on changing its name to reflect their beliefs.

“The Christian brand has a lot of power and equity in America and it needs to be preserved,” Roberts said.  “While we might disagree with a lot of what Jesus said we have to honour the power of the brand.  Christian in synonymous with what is good, wholesome, proper and decent.  Why wouldn’t we want to keep that branding for our church?”

The congregation will still be encouraged to pray in Jesus’ name but they just will not pray for those things that violate their right-wing political and moral theology.

“We stand for sound morals and the avoidance of all appearance of evil,” Roberts said.  “We won’t teach people that Jesus didn’t exist, but we certainly won’t remind people how much he hung around poor, low-class nobodies with a nasty reputation for sinning and ungodly living.  If you are a friend of sinners and prostitutes, you are no friend of mine.  I wouldn’t tell my kids to hang out with a rag tag group of immoral partiers like that so I won’t be telling my church to.”

Since Pastor Roberts announced his position attendance and giving at his 15,000 member church has increased.

“We’ve heard far more positive sermons,” regular attender Karl Unzo said.  “How to live healthier.  How to gain God’s favour and blessing.  I can’t get enough of those kind of messages.”

Roberts plans to launch a series of books and podcasts outlining his new theology with a touring conference event to aid in the marketing featuring some of todays top Christian musical acts.  He’s also writing a book on church leadership because there simply isn’t enough of them already.

“It’s an important shift.  People want a religion that lines up with who they are and what they believe,” Roberts said.  “We have strong American values rooted in the Bible that the whole world wants.  It’s our destiny and calling to share that through whatever means necessary, even if is contrary to what Jesus said.”

Watch Dawn of the Day  hosted by Rick and Anita Siemens all this week on CIPP-TV Channel 116 for full interviews.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer.  Click here to read all about how this story and website is fictional and satire.  Don’t bother snoping it cause she ain’t real dude.  Have a great day and keep your stick on the ice and head up.

Photo:  Jake Guild – https://www.flickr.com/photos/simpleskye/

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