Ryan Coke becomes Portage la Prairie's first imaginary mayor in stunning landslide

Portage Makes History Electing First Imaginary Candidate, Ryan Coke, As Mayor

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE –

Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor.  The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor.

After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and satirical CIPP –TV Channel 116, made up radio stations and newspapers, Coke Media Systems owner, Ryan Coke is Portage’s pick as fanciful Mayor.

“The whole thing has been like a dream,” Ryan Coke shared during his acceptance speech.  “I first got in the race to defeat fellow fictional candidate Billy Neepawa but I had no idea I could beat the real candidates.”

Coke is planning to make Portage great again by fulfilling his campaign promise of getting rid of homeliness in Portage.

“First thing Monday morning I will meet with my new City Hall team and we will begin the process of making Portage more attractive by making the ugly people better looking,” Coke offered.  “I’m a shallow, fabricated owner of a make-believe, fictional media empire. No one knows more about making things seem better than they are than me.”

During the campaign, Coke identified only one issue, homeliness in Portage, while others campaigned on social issues, economic growth, Saskatchewan Avenue development and the bridge to Island Park.  The bridge issue seems to have sunk rivals like Billy Neepawa, who was proposing a tunnel in place of the bridge.

Billy Neepawa did not respond to our request for comment.  He was spotted walking his cats late on election night.

Other losing candidates have filed formal complaints of voting irregularities against the Coke campaign.  Coke openly stated on social media he was voting more than once saying, “I am voting early and often” and referred to Election Day as erection day in an attempt at juvenile humour or out of complete ignorance.

Political rivals are also claiming Coke and Neepawa had unfair advantages being fictional candidates who were not limited to reality in their platforms and promises.  According to Coke’s interpretation of the Municipal Act, there is nothing to disqualify imaginary or fictional candidates from running or serving as mayor. 

Coke’s own employees have spoken out against their boss stating boldly he is generally il-equipped for leadership and of poor character, lacking the judgement needed for the office.  All the staff we spoke to, including the writers of this story, voted for Billy Neepawa and believe Coke will do a terrible job.

“Portagers got suckered in by his made up persona,” CIPP TV Sports Director Marshall Law said.  “I think they fell in love with the novelty of this fictional media mogul and what the imaginary mayor stood for.”

“He does a terrible job running this satirical website,” on air host, Rhianna Meeches shared.  “He doesn’t show up most days and misses meetings and is prone to erratic behavior and manic outbursts.  That seems to be the new trend in politics.  His personality disorders make him a very appealing candidate to conservative voters.”

Ryan Coke will lead his first council meeting next month where he plans on passing several self-serving motions containing no tangible benefit.

Photo Credit – Scott Garner

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional, satirical and at times, humorous nature of this story and website.  Portage la Prairie is a real place where they fry a lot of potatoes, eat a lot of fried chicken, drink a lot of beer, warehouses large numbers of humans and have a charming lake and nice park.  Unlike Portage la Prairie this story and website are fanciful and not real.  This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events and people are purely coincidental and a kwinky-dink.  Not many animals were harmed in the creation of this and other content and we caution that you not attempt to trick others into consuming this as real news, real information or even as fake news.  It is not news.  It is fiction.  Plastic plants are fake.  Please use and abuse this content responsibly.  Do not try this at home.  We assume no responsibility for any injury or loss encountered while reading this or any other story on the website and ancillary media devices.  Call your mom and adopt a rescue cat.  Be nice to the losers in your life and do not chew on your pen.

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Ryan Coke wants to be the next Mayor of Portage la Prairie by ending homeliness

Man Decides To Run For Mayor Based On Number Of Facebook Friends & Marginal Ideas

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

The only thing that can help Portage look better is Ryan Coke.

Media Mogul, trust fund kid and now political juggernaut, Ryan Coke has announced he is entering the race to become Portage la Prairie’s next top mayor.

“I’m running on a platform that “Portage Needs Coke” because I am the only candidate with a comprehensive plan to eliminate homeliness once and for all,” Coke announced at a flashy rally at a downtown Portage hotel complete with a projector, power point presentation and a live DJ.

Coke’s decision comes after a thought filled and careful examination of his Facebook page that revealed he had almost a thousand friends.

“Billy Neepawa launched his campaign and he doesn’t even have a social media presence,” Coke explained.  “He has no chance against my dynamic Facebook and Twitter accounts.  Everyone is reading my ideas online.

While Neepawa maintains only troll accounts to monitor activity on social media he participates on message boards, niche forums and conspiracy theory groups, mostly found on the dark web.  He could not be reached for comment due to his inability to check his email account regularly.

Ryan Coke does boast a formidable challenge for any potential mayoral candidates, as he is the owner of CIPP-TV and all of C.M.S. (Coke Media Services) including this website.

“My experience in media and ability to promote myself will more than make up for any lack of political experience or absence of ideas and policy I may face,” Coke said.  “Who needs a bunch of idealistic and altruistic blah, blah, blah, when you have a lot of money, tons of connections and fit in with Portage’s conservative mindset?”

Coke kept referring to a CIPP-TV station initiative to end homeliness in Portage as the only part of his election platform.  He was unable or unwilling to present anything to address crime, poverty, the economy, infrastructure or education.

“I believe if you look good, you’ll feel good and you won’t have as many problems,” Coke explained.  “All these so-called other problems you mention won’t be an issue once people start looking better.  How many good-looking poor or unemployed people do you see?  Most good-looking people are rich or well off and much happier.  That is why ending this plague of homeliness is the answer.”

The press conference did include two dozen models from a Winnipeg talent agency and most of the attractive staff from CIPP-TV.

“Let’s make Portage beautiful again!  Join my thousands of friends on Facebook and Twitter and elect me the next Mayor of Portage,” Coke chanted over a thumbing track of electronic dance music.

“Remember, ugly people have ugly ideas,” Coke shared.  “My opponent has no answer for  the ugliness that overwhelms Portage.  A vote for me is a vote for beauty and progress.”

Election officials say that in most elections a candidate can win the mayor’s seat with as little as one to two thousand votes so Coke’s assertion his number of Facebook friends assure him victory may not be audacious at all.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Portage is real in a dreamy sort of way.  I had a nightmare about Portage once.  I was scared then I woke up.  I still think Billy Neepawa will win because I like cats and I don’t like rich ass holes.

Photo Credit -Michael Kmak

Ryan Coke runs for mayor on platform of ending homeliness and making Portage beautiful again.
Ryan Coke runs for mayor of Portage la Prairie, Manitoba.
Homely people are excited about new program to end homeliness in Portage la Prairie

Homeliness In Portage la Prairie To Be Eliminated By Local TV Station Initiative

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

CIPP – TV is looking to change the face of Portage la Prairie for the better.  The local TV station announced the launch of a new initiative to end homeliness once and for all in the Manitoba city.

“The message we’re sending out is we want to make Portage la Prairie beautiful again,” CIPP – TV station owner Ryan Coke announced.  “It’s time we took the problem of homeliness head on and get rid of it.”

“We want to make walking our streets enjoyable by putting the “fair” back into our city.”

The ‘Make Portage la Prairie Beautiful Again” initiative will take the expertise of the television station to battle homeliness everywhere in the city.

“As a television broadcaster we know how to make things look much better than they are,” Coke said.  “It is high time we leverage that to make the people of Portage easier to look at.”

“I’m glad CIPP –TV is stepping up to help us deal with homeliness in Portage,” Mayor Sherman Moffat said.  “I look forward to the day we can all walk the streets of Portage and not have to be witness to homeliness on our streets.”

The multi-pronged program will see Portagers trained in hair and make up techniques, fashion and poise by TV station employees so they can hit the streets to assist with make overs and general beauty education.

“There are a lot of Portagers who look terrible right now but with a bit of help and effort could be made to look half-decent with a good hair cut and some make up,” Coke explained.

At an event that took on the tone of a political rally, fuelling speculation station owner Ryan Coke is considering a run for Mayor the announcement drew cheers and rave reviews.

“I think this is just what the town needs,” Portager, Irma Chartrand said.  “There is no need for the amount of ugly people we see in Portage on a daily basis.  I think we could see an end to homeliness within a year.”

Coke admits that even with hair, make up and clothing help some Portagers may still end up being on the homely side.  He points to the fact that some may have to employ stylish veils, hats, and sunglasses to hide their ugliness. “If someone has decent eyes and hides behind a veil they become exotic and alluring,” Coke offered.  “But ultimately there are those Portagers that even that may not help.  For those who go through the program but remain unattractive we will work with their employers to have them work nights and away from the public eye.”

“The beautification of our citizenry is long over-due,” Moffat said.  “By putting an end of homeliness we will be able to attract more business and industries.  It’s not just the ugly people who will benefit.  We will all stand to win.”

Coke refused to say whether his new initiative had anything to do with his political aspirations but did comment on the upcoming civic election.

“I think it would make sense for a media baron like myself to run for office some day.  I already control the news and information so why not control the public purse too.”

Unnamed sources say Coke’s decision to run will depend on whether or not Billy Neepawa seeks the mayor’s chair.  Neepawa is seen as a potential populist favourite if he enters the race.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclaimer and disclosure on the true but non-sinister nature of this story and website.  They are both fictional and satirical in origin.  While based loosely on rumours and theories about the goings on of Portage la Prairie and area this story is completely fanciful and ridiculous.  These people don’t really exist so their names can’t appear on any ballot.  Or can they?  That is crazy.  Please don’t be tricked into contributing to one or several of these fictional character’s campaign funds.  If you do, you likely will contribute to the further addiction and delinquency of those asking.  The name Billy Neepawa is very silly.  This site is not associated directly or indirectly to Russia, its agents or Donald Trump and is not designed or intended to influence your voting in any election real or otherwise.  But then again would we tell you if we were?  In the upside down world this website might become real and you may be fictional – what then?  Make Portage la Prairie beautiful again!

Photo credit – Victorio Marasigan

Millennials unaware of time change due to dependence on smart phones

Poll Reveals Most Millennials Oblivious Of Time Change Due To Reliance On Smart Phones

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A recent C.I.P.P. – TV poll indicates most people under 35 were not aware a change to Daylight Saving Time occurred this weekend.

“The poll we conducted shows 85% of millennials did not realize a change in time happened this weekend,” C.I.P.P.-TV head researcher Robin Harrisburg said.  “Over 70% surveyed didn’t know what Daylight Saving Time was, and the same amount didn’t know what the term ‘spring ahead’ means.”

The fact most adults 35-years-old and younger are completely dependent of smart phone technology for their connection with the world is the cause for the lack of awareness with the ancient practice of changing clocks every spring and fall.

“I noticed that my car clock was different than my I-phone this morning but I didn’t notice anything else that was strange,” 21-year-old Todd Feathermore said.  “I saw something on twitter about springing ahead but I didn’t pay much attention to it.”

Many millennials do not understand Daylight Saving Time and some are skeptical of its existence.

“My mom called and left a voice mail about setting my clocks on Saturday night,” 28-year-old Brooke Waldner of Portage said.  “I didn’t know what she was talking about.  I’ve never set a clock in my life.  Who does that?”

Justin Moore, 30 of Portage laughed at the suggestion a time change had occurred.  “Sounds like an episode of Black Mirror or something.  You are trying to tell me time shifted exactly one hour ahead and I never noticed.  I think if that happened I would have noticed something Sunday morning.”

Politicians are considering how the results of the poll will affect decisions on making DST permanent or eliminating it altogether.

“With this rate of ignorance we might be able to delay a decision for another 30 years and then just change the time on everyone’s smart phone whenever we want and no one would be the wiser,” Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun said.

“Sure there might be a few people who are working during the time change but they would believe whatever their smart phone told them,” Braun said.  “I can see a lot of possibilities to manipulate the masses via their smart phones in the future.  That is why I will bring forward legislation to control smart phone access so we can do what we want as a government moving forward.  Imagine what could be possible if we controlled everything you saw on your smart phone?  It is a very exciting option.”

Most Portagers support the use of Daylight Saving Time all year-long to avoid confusion and so Manitoba would permanently be in a different time zone than Saskatchewan.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click this link to read about the true nature of this story and website along with finding handy-dandy additional links to important legal information.  Those far less interested and who have already figured out this story and website are fictional and satirical and possibly humorous can simply know that their suspicions were correct and this is all made up.  That is what fictional means.  Satirical means we are poking fun at reality in an unreal way.  We will leave it up to you to figure out what we are making fun of and whether it is funny or not.  We are not the Supreme Political Leader of Portage la Prairie and do not desire to censor your thoughts or control what you read.  Long live the Queen!

Photo Credit – m01229

Soul gatherer in Portage la Prairie buys and sells souls

Underground Dealer Found With Over 500 Souls On Portage Property

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A secret, underground soul dealer operating in and around Portage la Prairie was found in possession of the spirits of over 500 people during a recent C.I.P.P.-TV Channel 116 investigation.

MBN News reported Portager, Aaron MacDonald, sold his soul online to a man known only as “Jerry”.  MacDonald was unable to locate the buyer of his soul after suffering from seller’s remorse and was forced to search for a replacement soul.

*Local Man Regrets Selling Soul Online

Investigative reporters dug into the matter to find countless stories of desperate Portagers who had parted with their souls for cash or other considerations.  Posing as willing buyers of these liquidated spirits, MBN News was able to locate a local man known as “Jerry” who has been buying souls for over a decade in the Portage la Prairie and MacGregor areas.

Our reporters met up with “Jerry” to make a purchase and found his downtown property warehousing at least 500 souls.  Although “Jerry” refused to provide his full name, he was willing to share knowledge of his inventory with our reporters.

“My basement and back shed is pretty much full of shoe boxes with a great selection of souls,” Jerry explained.  “For a young soul I generally ask for a thousand dollars.  For an older, damaged or worn out soul I can let them go for as little as a hundred.”

Jerry stores the souls in empty shoeboxes in his musty basement and oversized garden shed.  Surprisingly, the souls are invisible to the naked eye but all weigh differing amounts.

“You can tell how old the soul is generally by the weight,” Jerry said.  “The more damaged, broken and beat up the soul is the heavier.  Normally kid’s souls weigh less than half a pound but as life grinds you down the soul starts getting heavier.  Adults souls with a ton of baggage and hard miles can weigh up to ten pounds.”

The Portage soul gatherer admits the buying and selling of souls is not illegal but demanded anonymity to avoid public scorn for his unethical practises.

“A lot of people around Portage know what I do and they are okay with it, but there are a lot of other people who would look at me differently if they knew what I do in my spare time.”

According to Jerry, the souls will last indefinitely stored in simple cardboard shoeboxes but will lose a little bit of their original energy if left too long.  He employs a first in, first out practise when dealing his souls.

“I don’t like them sitting around too long before they get used.  Best to keep them fresh.”

While Jerry buys most of his souls locally, he has a policy not to re-sell any of the spirits to Portagers to avoid people recognizing their souls in neighbours, co-workers or family members.  Portage la Prairie and MacGregor are active soul gathering regions making the Central Plains a large net exporter of souls.

“Most people wouldn’t be surprised to hear I get a lot of souls from local politicians, executives and sales professionals,” Jerry shared.  “But we do get quite a few calls from pastors, musicians and factory workers, and that might shock a few people.”

Jerry points out that most people looking to liquidate their spiritual assets are not desperate economically challenged people but rather those who do not feel they need theirs anymore.  Interestingly, he does little advertising on the dark web for his souls, opting to post on local bulletin boards and online shopping groups.

“A lot of my customers prefer to get through life without the burden of a soul and the joy it can bring,” Jerry said.  “Many don’t enjoy the obligations having a soul requires like caring, loving and forgiving.”

The Portage area has a higher than normal rate of soullessness than the rest of Canada thanks in part to Jerry and his work.

“This is a silent boon to economic development,” Jerry said.  “I’ve probably bought and sold over five thousand Portagers’ souls in the last five years.  All that money is staying local.  I pay taxes and all this money will get circulated a minimum of seven times.”

Both City Hall and The Economic Development Office declined to comment on the business of soul selling but sources inside both institutions tell C.I.P.P.-TV say many members of those institutions are intimately aware of Jerry’s business model.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclaimer and disclosure on the true but non-sinister nature of this story and website.  They both fictional and satirical in origin.  While based loosely on rumours and theories about the goings on of Portage la Prairie and area this story is completely fanciful and ridiculous.  No one is buying and selling souls.  That is crazy.  Do not try to trick your friends into giving you money for you soul after you send them a copy of this story.

Photo Credit – Iqbal Osman

Producers of TV hit series Suits create spinoff series based on construction workers called Safety Vests starring Meghan Markle

Producers of Suits Announce Spinoff Called “Safety Vests” Starring Meghan Markle

HOLLYWOOD, CA & PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Producers of the hit TV drama suits announced they are collaborating with C.I.P.P. –TV to create a new drama series based on the people who wear orange, high-visibility safety clothing

Meghan Markle will headline Suits spinoff, Safety Vests.
Meghan Markle will star in Suits spinoff “Safety Vests” based on the high drama lives of construction workers

“Safety Vests” will tell the stories of intrigue and excitement from the construction world the same way “Suits” portrayed New York City lawyers.

Billed as a high-level drama, “Safety Vests” promises to bring sizzling sex appeal to the safety industry and combine compelling characters with breathtaking life and death situations with each episode having twists and worker compensation claims.

“The first episode will kick-off with a work site safety meeting,” producer Brian Berenstein said.  “We won’t waste any time until our cast of characters are subjected to a work place inspection by a health and safety officer.”

“I don’t want to give away too much about the pilot but let’s just say at least one of our main characters is faced with a significant crisis when they are found not wearing their personal protective equipment, including a safety vest.”

The only cast member from Suits to make the jump to the spinoff is Meghan Markle, who plays the love interest of head safety officer Kenny Brookside who is exposed in episode three as an imposter with no official safety training.

When Brookside is exposed an imposter, it sets off a chain of attempts by the construction company to hide this fact while they try to maintain numerous construction contracts.

“Despite not having any formal health and safety training, Brookside is potentially the best health and safety officer there is,” Berenstein offered.  “In the show he is simply too good to let go.”

Season one includes 13 episodes and a season ending cliffhanger that exposes Brookside’s secret while he investigates a critical workplace injury.

“Suits had some great appeal among urban professionals so we are hoping Safety Vests does the same thing with the much larger blue-collar audience,” Berenstein said.  “Even people who don’t have to wear safety vests have seen or know people who do.  If a show about lawyers was big, a show about construction workers will be huge.”

C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 will air the show starting in May on Sunday nights at 9pm temporarily displacing Beverly Hills 90210.

Station owner Ryan Coke is thrilled about the new co-production.

“This show is important to us and vital to telling the stories of the amazing men and woman who have to wear those obnoxiously ugly orange vests.  Until I read the pitch for this show, I thought they were nothing more than low-skilled trolls, but I’ve had my eyes opened.  They seem to have real lives and real problems; at least on the show they’ll be interesting.  Plus, Meghan Markle rocks her safety vest and steel-toed heels, so I’ll be watching.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and to find the link to the full legal information.  If you do not want to do that please know that this story and website are fictional and that means they are not real.  TV is real, Suits is a real show and Meghan Markle is so real she is marrying a prince but this story is just made up nonsense.  Do not be a dope and think it is real.  Orange safety vests are real too but the story and website are still not real.

Photo Credit guy in safety vest – Elvert Barnes

Photo Credit Meghan Markle – Genevieve

CIPP -TV Channel 116 plans International Skeptics Day marathon of programs

Local Fictional TV Station C.I.P.P. Celebrates International Skeptics Day With Doubtful Promotion & Programming Lineup

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

Hit local imaginary TV station C.I.P.P. is celebrating a dubious holiday with a special programming schedule in honour of International Skeptics Day Saturday January 13.

“Based on the fact we are a fictional and questionable television station that exists only on the internet we felt this was an important holiday to celebrate,” station founder, owner and general manager Ryan Coke said in an email he sent to the promotions department.

“We are naturally quite skeptical of our own existence as a media outlet so we will be airing an imaginary marathon of shows that cater to the skeptic in all of us,” Coke said.

Saturday’s schedule will include a marathon of Unsolved Mysteries, The Lowe Files with Rob Lowe, Penn & Teller: Fool Us ending with a local show on the conspiracy to dominate the world from Portage la Prairie called, The Republic(click here for trailer) if you can believe any of it.

The day will kick off at 6am local standard time on Channel 116 on your UHF/internet dial.  If you don’t currently subscribe to C.I.P.P. TV, contact your local cable provider and ask for it.  If you actually do this, please record the conversation and share it with us, we’d love to hear what they tell you.

“C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 is all about skepticism and questioning everything,” Coke shared.  “We feel it is part of our brand, although we are quite trivial at the same time.  Skepticism is essentially the opposite of trivialism, the notion that everything is true and possible so I’m starting to doubt this station’s philosophy and guiding principles along with my own relevance.”

Despite the discovery of a confused company mandate, C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 will celebrate International Skeptics Day with special promotion and programming including fun video interviews where C.I.P.P. TV staff share their biggest doubts and questions.

In between programs you’ll hear News@6 Anchors Iona Stonehouse and Jack Hoffman doubt their show will ever have improved ratings, PP After School Host Chuckles Plenty shares how he questions the validity of child labour laws, Traffic Manager, Tara Cherry wonders aloud about the merits of pet marriage, Chief Engineer, Pierce Cox questions whether or not his skills as a broadcast engineer are being wasted getting porn-related viruses off station computers, Promotions Manager, Tess Teckle questions why the station would want to promote such a potentially negative holiday and Saturday Night Videos Host, Rhianna Meeches voices her fear that the age of the music video might be over and how her show may ultimately be cancelled.

“The critics and skeptics out there have been quite uncomplimentary of the TV station so far,” Coke said.  “We hope to get them on side by pandering to them by really playing up International Skeptics Day.  It just might become an annual thing.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – if you are doubting the authenticity of International Skeptics Day, this story and website then you should click here to read the full disclaimer and accompanying links to the full legal explanation.  We doubt many of you will actually do that but that is what makes us skeptical.  This story, website and entire endeavour is quite skeptical but that is about all that is actually true.  The remainder is purely fictional, made up and not real.  This story and website are intended for the amusement of its creators and a few loyal readers or those who stumbled on this via some kind of social media link from someone who thought it was true because they could only read the headline and didn’t have the attention span to read the whole article or even the first couple of paragraphs.  This is obviously not the case with you.  You likely read most of the story and this whole nonsensical, lengthy notice of disclosure and admission of stupidity.  Good on you for sticking with it.  Either you are entirely bored or we are remarkable creators.  CIPP-TV is sorry for your boredom.

Photo Credit – eye dropper