Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback try and prove they are not the same band

Florida Georgia Line & Nickelback Announce Concert To Prove They Aren’t The Same Band

Portage la Prairie, MB – The Glesby Centre in Portage la Prairie will host the myth busting concert of the century as country superstars, Florida Georgia Line and rock sensations, Nickelback set the record straight.

Despite being mega-stars in different genres, the bands have been dogged by rumours and speculation they were actually the same group.  With similar hair and attitude Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback struck formulated success on the charts but were never seen together.

While most fans don’t care if they are one and the same, music journalists have been mining the conspiracy theory of both bands being the Milli Vanilli of country and rock.  Local concert promoter Billy Neepawa approached both bands with the idea of holding a concert to dispel the rumours.

“I think both bands share a lot of the same fans and they would like to see them on the same stage,” said Neepawa.  “It’ll be proof once and for all that they aren’t the same band.  It’ll also prove that country music is really just bad rock.”

Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback have both won numerous awards for their music and are widely considered pioneers in their respective genres.

“I couldn’t think of two modern acts that sum up the musical sensibilities of Portage better than these two.  A little bit country and a little bit rock and roll,” offered Neepawa.

Some Portagers remain steadfast in their belief that FGL and NB are the same band.  “I don’t give a crap if you put them both in front of me right now.  I still say they are the same damn band,” said Bob Morden of Portage.  “Don’t know what that Billy Neepawa is trying to prove but I won’t be going.”

For all fans wanting to go tickets will go on sale Friday at 10am at all Music Master and Busy Fingers locations.

Photo Credit – Focka

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Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback to prove they are not the same band

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Millennials unaware of time change due to dependence on smart phones

Poll Reveals Millennials Not Aware Of Time Change & Doubt The Existence Of Daylight Saving Time

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A recent C.I.P.P. – TV poll indicates most people under 35 were not aware a change to Daylight Saving Time occurred this weekend.

“The poll we conducted shows 85% of millennials did not realize a change in time happened this weekend,” C.I.P.P.-TV head researcher Robin Harrisburg said.  “Over 70% surveyed didn’t know what Daylight Saving Time was, and the same amount didn’t know what the term ‘spring ahead’ or ‘fall back’ means.”

The fact most adults 35-years-old and younger are completely dependent of smart phone technology for their connection with the world is the cause for the lack of awareness with the ancient practice of changing clocks every spring and fall.

“I noticed that my car clock was different than my I-phone this morning but I didn’t notice anything else that was strange,” 21-year-old Todd Feathermore said.  “I saw something on twitter about springing ahead but I didn’t pay much attention to it.”

Many millennials do not understand Daylight Saving Time and some are skeptical of its existence.

“My mom called and left a voice mail about changing my clocks on Saturday night,” 28-year-old Brooke Waldner of Portage said.  “I didn’t know what she was talking about.  I’ve never set a clock in my life.  Who does that?”

Justin Moore, 30 of Portage laughed at the suggestion a time change had occurred.  “Sounds like an episode of Black Mirror or something.  You are trying to tell me time shifted exactly one hour and I never noticed.  I think if that happened I would have noticed something Sunday morning.”

Politicians are considering how the results of the poll will affect decisions on making DST permanent or eliminating it altogether.

“With this rate of ignorance we might be able to delay a decision for another 30 years and then just change the time on everyone’s smart phone whenever we want and no one would be the wiser,” Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun said.

“Sure there might be a few people who are working during the time change but they would believe whatever their smart phone told them,” Braun said.  “I can see a lot of possibilities to manipulate the masses via their smart phones in the future.  That is why I will bring forward legislation to control smart phone access so we can do what we want as a government moving forward.  Imagine what could be possible if we controlled everything you saw on your smart phone?  It is a very exciting option.”

Most Portagers support the use of Daylight Saving Time all year-long to avoid confusion and so Manitoba would permanently be in a different time zone than Saskatchewan.

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Photo Credit – m01229

Portage la Prairie gets rid of Minimum wage and replaces with maximum wage of $16/hour

Portage la Prairie Dumps Min. Wage For New Maximum Wage Of $16/Hour

Portage la Prairie, MB – Local low wages hold the key to financial prosperity.  A local economic advocate, Kent Dueck, is looking to turn a perceived weakness into Portage la Prairie’s biggest asset.

Dueck spotted an opportunity with Portage’s long history of household incomes lower than the national average.  “We shouldn’t sit here and moan about how little Portagers make.  We should embrace our low wage reality and then leverage it for our gain,” Dueck said.

Dueck and his partners are lobbying to have Portage become a test market for their revolutionary economic concept that’s gaining attention and support from national and international businesses

“Portage is the perfect place to do this,” Willy Dueck said.  “A small town with a high percentage of low-wage earners.  We feel this market would embrace the new economic and social model.  Right now everyone is looking at ways to increase things like minimum wage.  The real opportunity is in doing the opposite.”

The new paradigm is being hailed as “The Maximum Wage” and would rid Portage la Prairie of minimum wage requirements and replace it with a $16 Maximum Wage limitation.

“Studies have shown that people work best when faced with the right motivation.  Studies have also proved that somewhere around $15 an hour for full-time work is the amount needed to provide the very basics of a life,” Mike Dueck, partner in the project said.  “Our initiative would get rid of the stigma of “minimum wage”.  Nobody likes to work for the very least they can be paid legally.  People making the Maximum Wage will feel much better about themselves.”

The trio believes the new Maximum Wage will draw a high level of interest from manufacturing, retail and service based employers to the city, bringing thousands more low-wage jobs to Portage.

“What was once a problem of low-wages will be turned into the solution,” Mike Dueck said.  “By keeping wages just above the poverty line and offering little to no pension or benefits, people will be motivated to show up for work every day, continue working well into retirement, accept overtime, take fewer holidays and sick days. “

With most of its citizens making a similar amount of money, the city stands to gain socially by not having to deal with issues of economic and class disparity.  “It’ll almost be utopian.  No one will be burdened with trying to keep up the “Joneses”.  They’ll all just be barely getting by, but everyone will be in the same boat.  So instead of complaining, they’ll just keep rowing because if they stop rowing and start complaining the boat will sink and everyone will die,” Willy Dueck offered.

News of the pilot project is already attracting interest from companies looking to lower their operating costs.  “Targeting existing categories like retail, fast-food and Christian ministry groups, who already embrace the low-wage model will be the starting point,” Kent Dueck shared.  “Large-scale manufacturers currently operating off-shore will be drawn to this economic environment like moths to a flame.  Wages in China and most of Asia are climbing and this will give us a leg up because nobody but us can guarantee a Maximum Wage.”

With the abolishment of a minimum wage, employers of any kind will be allowed to offer workers whatever wage the market will bear and Mike Dueck isn’t worried about any potential exploitation by employers.  “Certainly not, I mean if someone doesn’t want to work for a specific wage then it’s their choice not to, after all, they’re not slaves.  They can always try improving their skills and get a better paying job and leave lower paying jobs for those desperate and needy enough to come here for that kind of work.  It’s a win–win.”

The Maximum Wage initiative is being heralded by economists as a potential game changer.  The cost certainty on one of their major inputs, and the ability to set however low a wage they want to, is a business’s dream.  Social activists are opposed to the plan but were not available for comment at press time.

“Sure, some might not like everything about this plan,” Willy Dueck admitted.  “But we have to ask ourselves what kind of city we want.  Do we want a city that increases wages and drives business away or a place that has a Maximum Wage that attracts opportunity?  In less than a generation we could see the population grow to over 100,000 people.  If people want Portage to stay at 13,000 forever then keep doing what you’re doing.”

Once the plan gains local, provincial and national approval it will come into being, generating a much-needed boost to the local economy.

Photo Credit – Oliver DelaCruz

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Portage la Prairie City Hall bell sold to Taco Bell restuarant

City Of Portage Sells City Hall Bell To Bring Taco Bell To Town

Excitement is growing amongst Taco Bell enthusiasts.
Excitement is growing amongst Taco Bell enthusiasts. Portager, Harry Enns, shows off his newly inked commemorative tattoo.

Portage la Prairie, MB – Portagers will soon have their bell rung by a Mexican, fast-food icon three times a day.

Along with opening a long-awaited franchise, Taco Bell will revive interest and excitement in our city’s historic bell.

Portage lost a special part of its character when the new, virtually silent version of the bell was installed.  For generations, the bell rang out several times a day, and could be heard in every corner of town but now it is a quiet hint to a glorious past.

Once open in a few short months, Taco Bell will crank up the volume and reclaim the bells original sound. The Mexican fast-food market leader will clang the old City Hall bell at noon, 6pm and 9pm each and every day.

“We looked at coming to Portage for years, but when we heard the city was willing to sell the bell we knew we had a great marketing tool,” Taco Bell spokesperson, Jeanette Akenja-Nearing said.

“The old City Hall bell has such a history in Portage.  People used to mark their day by its ringing.  Now they can do the same again and hopefully think of our restaurant.”

Local fans of Mexican cuisine are excited about the new eatery and the resurrected bell.  “Every time I hear the bell at noon and supper I can make a run for the border,” Portager, Joanna Hand said.  “Then when I hear the bell at 9 at night I’ll make a run for the bathroom.  It’ll be like my trips to Mexico.”

The taco chain was able to buy the bell for $10,000.00 from the City of Portage who will use the money to fix the waste water treatment facility.

Taco Bell plans on mounting and displaying the bell outside the front of the restaurant on a twenty-foot high bell tower.  Once the new location is completed, Taco Bell will be shooting a series of television commercials to be aired nationally featuring the old City Hall bell.

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Portage la Prairie Must Chop Down Trees To Keep Its Name

Portage la Prairie Must Chop Down Trees To Keep Its Name

Portage la Prairie, MB – The axe is about to fall on a big decision at City Hall.  The City of Portage la Prairie must choose between chopping down trees or having to drop the reference to “prairie” in its name.

The Canadian Council For The Enforcement Of Accurate Place Names, a fresh initiative of the government, has informed city council they are out of compliance and must take immediate action on the problem.  Failure to comply could result in stiff penalties including fines, removal from maps and being assigned a more accurate and boring place-name.

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In the good old days a prairie was a prairie.

“By definition, a prairie is a flat, treeless area,” said Wendy Bottom, Vice President of Enforcement for the CCEAP.  “We have a clear mandate to make sure place names are not misleading.  There are far too many trees here to be considered a prairie.”

While the CCEAP has no issue with the reference to Portage, it does take a hard-line on the city masquerading as a prairie.

“We understand and acknowledge people have been burdened and carrying stuff here for decades.  But it’s clear by the number of mature trees, this isn’t, and never has been a prairie,” explained Bottom.  “It’s bad enough to portray yourselves as a French town, but your improper anglicized pronunciation will leave no doubt you are not sophisticated enough to be French.”

City Hall will now have to choose between deforestation and a costly name change.  The best option seems to be to start cutting.

“We feel the city should start logging immediately and continue to approve developments that involve mass removal of trees.  That way, they can achieve compliance quicker,” offered Bottom.

Portagers seem split on the issue.  “I think we have to cut the trees down.  I don’t want to be called a Portager,” said Alex Walters.

“This is ridiculous,” said Mary Hendrix.  “Screw the prairie, I don’t want to lose the trees.  Who the hell wants to live on a prairie?”

“We have no preference other than compliance,” said Bottom.  “Place names must be accurate.  We are currently conducting an investigation in Gladstone to see if the rocks are happy or not.  Oakville will have to meet a quota of oak trees.  High Bluff will have to maintain a minimum height on it’s trees and Edwin will have to have at least two Edwins residing there if they hope to keep their name.”

The timing of the ruling compounds growing civic headaches for City Council as they also must struggle with what to do with the separatist enclave, KoKo Platz  The City of Portage la Prairie seems destined to be changed forever.  Sources claim optional names being considered include Portage, Farmville, Crescent Lake City, Terrier Town, The Brown Lagoon, Spudsville, Forage la Forest and Frymakingplace.

Photo Credit – City of Detroit

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Portage becomes a leader in political correctness by banning Halloween

Town Replaces Halloween With “Fall Celebration Of Political Correctness & Health”

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

A progressive prairie town in the middle of Canada is becoming a world leader in social advancement and political correctness by not just banning Halloween, but replacing it altogether.

Portage la Prairie is ridding itself of the plague of costume cultural appropriation, youth sexualisation, religious objections, anxiety over promoting obesity and the concerns over regional diabetes rates.

“We’ve known for a while Halloween’s days were numbered,” spokesperson Ellen Ross said.  “We wanted to get Portage as a community ahead of the curve on this issue and become a change leader.  Portage will set an example for others to emulate.”

Prior to the outright ban the committee looked at the issue of costumes to see if a plan and policy could be developed that would allow kids to dress up but the celebration was deemed far to vile to allow for even one more year.

“It’s just not reasonable anymore,” Ross explained.  “Costumes are in general too scary or promote occult and religious stereotypes.  Many are not sexually appropriate and can cause the premature over sexualisation of young people.”

“We want children to learn to accept who they are and dressing up flies in the face of that.”

Portage will ban all references to Halloween and the practise of handing out candy and junk food.  In it’s place, adults and children will be encouraged to hold neighbourhood gatherings featuring sugar fee beverages like tap water and an assortment of local, organic vegetables and discussions about how we can respect all races and gender identities.

“We think the kids will have a lot more fun learning to eat well, protect the environment, and how to express themselves sexually in an appropriate manner,” Ross offered.  “We will explain the how eating well is essential to avoiding type 2 diabetes and managing type 1.”

Children will hear about the evils of plastics in our world, genetically modified foods, the over-use of chemicals in food production, gender equality, fair wages, human rights, how to shop locally to save the planet and how to accept themselves better.

“Kids are already bursting with excitement over these events,” Ross said.  “This excitement will last longer than traditional Halloween candy.  Kids will eat this stuff up.”

Civic officials are confident this event can single-handedly make Portage la Prairie the most progressive, politically correct city in Canada.  They believe Portage will win major national and international awards for this initiative.

“Major awards are definitely on the horizon,” Ross said.  “It will put Portage on the map.”

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Photo Credit – Richard Dick Morgan

Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

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