Ryan Coke becomes Portage la Prairie's first imaginary mayor in stunning landslide

Portage Makes History Electing First Imaginary Candidate, Ryan Coke, As Mayor

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE –

Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor.  The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor.

After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and satirical CIPP –TV Channel 116, made up radio stations and newspapers, Coke Media Systems owner, Ryan Coke is Portage’s pick as fanciful Mayor.

“The whole thing has been like a dream,” Ryan Coke shared during his acceptance speech.  “I first got in the race to defeat fellow fictional candidate Billy Neepawa but I had no idea I could beat the real candidates.”

Coke is planning to make Portage great again by fulfilling his campaign promise of getting rid of homeliness in Portage.

“First thing Monday morning I will meet with my new City Hall team and we will begin the process of making Portage more attractive by making the ugly people better looking,” Coke offered.  “I’m a shallow, fabricated owner of a make-believe, fictional media empire. No one knows more about making things seem better than they are than me.”

During the campaign, Coke identified only one issue, homeliness in Portage, while others campaigned on social issues, economic growth, Saskatchewan Avenue development and the bridge to Island Park.  The bridge issue seems to have sunk rivals like Billy Neepawa, who was proposing a tunnel in place of the bridge.

Billy Neepawa did not respond to our request for comment.  He was spotted walking his cats late on election night.

Other losing candidates have filed formal complaints of voting irregularities against the Coke campaign.  Coke openly stated on social media he was voting more than once saying, “I am voting early and often” and referred to Election Day as erection day in an attempt at juvenile humour or out of complete ignorance.

Political rivals are also claiming Coke and Neepawa had unfair advantages being fictional candidates who were not limited to reality in their platforms and promises.  According to Coke’s interpretation of the Municipal Act, there is nothing to disqualify imaginary or fictional candidates from running or serving as mayor. 

Coke’s own employees have spoken out against their boss stating boldly he is generally il-equipped for leadership and of poor character, lacking the judgement needed for the office.  All the staff we spoke to, including the writers of this story, voted for Billy Neepawa and believe Coke will do a terrible job.

“Portagers got suckered in by his made up persona,” CIPP TV Sports Director Marshall Law said.  “I think they fell in love with the novelty of this fictional media mogul and what the imaginary mayor stood for.”

“He does a terrible job running this satirical website,” on air host, Rhianna Meeches shared.  “He doesn’t show up most days and misses meetings and is prone to erratic behavior and manic outbursts.  That seems to be the new trend in politics.  His personality disorders make him a very appealing candidate to conservative voters.”

Ryan Coke will lead his first council meeting next month where he plans on passing several self-serving motions containing no tangible benefit.

Photo Credit – Scott Garner

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional, satirical and at times, humorous nature of this story and website.  Portage la Prairie is a real place where they fry a lot of potatoes, eat a lot of fried chicken, drink a lot of beer, warehouses large numbers of humans and have a charming lake and nice park.  Unlike Portage la Prairie this story and website are fanciful and not real.  This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events and people are purely coincidental and a kwinky-dink.  Not many animals were harmed in the creation of this and other content and we caution that you not attempt to trick others into consuming this as real news, real information or even as fake news.  It is not news.  It is fiction.  Plastic plants are fake.  Please use and abuse this content responsibly.  Do not try this at home.  We assume no responsibility for any injury or loss encountered while reading this or any other story on the website and ancillary media devices.  Call your mom and adopt a rescue cat.  Be nice to the losers in your life and do not chew on your pen.

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Ryan Coke wants to be the next Mayor of Portage la Prairie by ending homeliness

Man Decides To Run For Mayor Based On Number Of Facebook Friends & Marginal Ideas

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

The only thing that can help Portage look better is Ryan Coke.

Media Mogul, trust fund kid and now political juggernaut, Ryan Coke has announced he is entering the race to become Portage la Prairie’s next top mayor.

“I’m running on a platform that “Portage Needs Coke” because I am the only candidate with a comprehensive plan to eliminate homeliness once and for all,” Coke announced at a flashy rally at a downtown Portage hotel complete with a projector, power point presentation and a live DJ.

Coke’s decision comes after a thought filled and careful examination of his Facebook page that revealed he had almost a thousand friends.

“Billy Neepawa launched his campaign and he doesn’t even have a social media presence,” Coke explained.  “He has no chance against my dynamic Facebook and Twitter accounts.  Everyone is reading my ideas online.

While Neepawa maintains only troll accounts to monitor activity on social media he participates on message boards, niche forums and conspiracy theory groups, mostly found on the dark web.  He could not be reached for comment due to his inability to check his email account regularly.

Ryan Coke does boast a formidable challenge for any potential mayoral candidates, as he is the owner of CIPP-TV and all of C.M.S. (Coke Media Services) including this website.

“My experience in media and ability to promote myself will more than make up for any lack of political experience or absence of ideas and policy I may face,” Coke said.  “Who needs a bunch of idealistic and altruistic blah, blah, blah, when you have a lot of money, tons of connections and fit in with Portage’s conservative mindset?”

Coke kept referring to a CIPP-TV station initiative to end homeliness in Portage as the only part of his election platform.  He was unable or unwilling to present anything to address crime, poverty, the economy, infrastructure or education.

“I believe if you look good, you’ll feel good and you won’t have as many problems,” Coke explained.  “All these so-called other problems you mention won’t be an issue once people start looking better.  How many good-looking poor or unemployed people do you see?  Most good-looking people are rich or well off and much happier.  That is why ending this plague of homeliness is the answer.”

The press conference did include two dozen models from a Winnipeg talent agency and most of the attractive staff from CIPP-TV.

“Let’s make Portage beautiful again!  Join my thousands of friends on Facebook and Twitter and elect me the next Mayor of Portage,” Coke chanted over a thumbing track of electronic dance music.

“Remember, ugly people have ugly ideas,” Coke shared.  “My opponent has no answer for  the ugliness that overwhelms Portage.  A vote for me is a vote for beauty and progress.”

Election officials say that in most elections a candidate can win the mayor’s seat with as little as one to two thousand votes so Coke’s assertion his number of Facebook friends assure him victory may not be audacious at all.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Portage is real in a dreamy sort of way.  I had a nightmare about Portage once.  I was scared then I woke up.  I still think Billy Neepawa will win because I like cats and I don’t like rich ass holes.

Photo Credit -Michael Kmak

Ryan Coke runs for mayor on platform of ending homeliness and making Portage beautiful again.
Ryan Coke runs for mayor of Portage la Prairie, Manitoba.
Millennials unaware of time change due to dependence on smart phones

Poll Reveals Most Millennials Oblivious Of Time Change Due To Reliance On Smart Phones

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A recent C.I.P.P. – TV poll indicates most people under 35 were not aware a change to Daylight Saving Time occurred this weekend.

“The poll we conducted shows 85% of millennials did not realize a change in time happened this weekend,” C.I.P.P.-TV head researcher Robin Harrisburg said.  “Over 70% surveyed didn’t know what Daylight Saving Time was, and the same amount didn’t know what the term ‘spring ahead’ means.”

The fact most adults 35-years-old and younger are completely dependent of smart phone technology for their connection with the world is the cause for the lack of awareness with the ancient practice of changing clocks every spring and fall.

“I noticed that my car clock was different than my I-phone this morning but I didn’t notice anything else that was strange,” 21-year-old Todd Feathermore said.  “I saw something on twitter about springing ahead but I didn’t pay much attention to it.”

Many millennials do not understand Daylight Saving Time and some are skeptical of its existence.

“My mom called and left a voice mail about setting my clocks on Saturday night,” 28-year-old Brooke Waldner of Portage said.  “I didn’t know what she was talking about.  I’ve never set a clock in my life.  Who does that?”

Justin Moore, 30 of Portage laughed at the suggestion a time change had occurred.  “Sounds like an episode of Black Mirror or something.  You are trying to tell me time shifted exactly one hour ahead and I never noticed.  I think if that happened I would have noticed something Sunday morning.”

Politicians are considering how the results of the poll will affect decisions on making DST permanent or eliminating it altogether.

“With this rate of ignorance we might be able to delay a decision for another 30 years and then just change the time on everyone’s smart phone whenever we want and no one would be the wiser,” Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun said.

“Sure there might be a few people who are working during the time change but they would believe whatever their smart phone told them,” Braun said.  “I can see a lot of possibilities to manipulate the masses via their smart phones in the future.  That is why I will bring forward legislation to control smart phone access so we can do what we want as a government moving forward.  Imagine what could be possible if we controlled everything you saw on your smart phone?  It is a very exciting option.”

Most Portagers support the use of Daylight Saving Time all year-long to avoid confusion and so Manitoba would permanently be in a different time zone than Saskatchewan.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click this link to read about the true nature of this story and website along with finding handy-dandy additional links to important legal information.  Those far less interested and who have already figured out this story and website are fictional and satirical and possibly humorous can simply know that their suspicions were correct and this is all made up.  That is what fictional means.  Satirical means we are poking fun at reality in an unreal way.  We will leave it up to you to figure out what we are making fun of and whether it is funny or not.  We are not the Supreme Political Leader of Portage la Prairie and do not desire to censor your thoughts or control what you read.  Long live the Queen!

Photo Credit – m01229

Man is proud of ability to know when satire stories are full of BS

Local Man Proud Of Ability To Call BS On Stories From Satire Sites

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

Larry Houle has quite the nose for BS and he is not afraid to tell you about it.  The 45-year-old Portager has gained notoriety in coffee shop circles and on social media for calling out false news.

“I don’t like it when people get tricked with all the misinformation out there,” Larry Houle said.  “We need to point this type of maleficence out and warn people.”

Houle spends much of his day refuting and arguing the “facts” he pulls from online satire sources like, C.I.P.P.-TV, The Beaverton, The Onion and Daily Bonnet in person and online.

“I don’t think he knows what satire means,” Laura Swanson, a life-long friend of Houle said.  “I don’t think he really knows what fiction is either.  If he sees it in print then he thinks it real.  Well I guess not real but something he has to argue about.”

As more of Houle’s friends share stories from these humorous websites he has taken on the role of a crusader of truth in a world of misinformation.

“I’m getting so good at spotting the BS all I have to do is read the headline and I know it’s not right,” Houle shared.  “I don’t get why other people don’t realize these facts are wrong or impossible.  I guess most people are just gullible.”

Houle brags he flagged stories from CIPPTVPortagelaPrairie.com about souls being bought and sold along with a couple needing 28 days to figure out what to watch on Netflix as being BS.  He also accuses The Beaverton and Daily Bonnet of being full of BS and claims he can almost call BS just by the name of the website.

“I don’t know who is writing for these websites but they sure must be mixed up if they believe half of the stuff they write,” Houle said.  “I’m always amazed when my friends fall for it.  What a bunch of morons.”

When confronted with an explanation that the websites he has been flagging are just funny and fictional, meaning made up, he just stared blankly and was not able to verbalize a response.  Despite this, Houle continues to comment on satire articles as being untrue and false.  His number of friends and followers on social media are shrinking quickly.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – if you are a Larry please click here to read all about the truth of this story and website.  If you are a normal person then no need to, you already have a grasp on reality and know this is satire and fictional.  You can debate whether the stories found on this website are funny or not but that is about it.  Long live the Queen!

Photo Credit – Todd C. Morrow

Deciding what to watch on Netflix is difficult for Portage la Prairie couple

Couple Use 28 Days Of Month Long Netflix Free Trial To Decide What To Watch

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A struggle most couples endure on a nightly basis was taken to the extreme by Barry and Darlene Compton of Portage la Prairie as they spent 28 days trying to figure out what to watch on Netflix.

“All our friends have Netflix so we decided to sign up for the free month,” Darlene Compton said.  “Once we logged on it was like we opened Pandora’s Box, although I’m not sure who she (Pandora) is.”

The Comptons buckled under the pressure of making a viewing selection from the online streaming service’s thousands of choices.

“We started with the suggested viewing and that took us a whole evening to scroll through,” Barry Compton explained.  “Most of the shows and movies I’d never heard of so it was real hard to decide.  We noticed that every night the list seemed to change so we felt we needed a plan.”

Famous for making informed, calculated, albeit slow decisions in every area of their lives, the couple devised a plan to help them wade through the multitude of options.

“I started scrolling and calling out potentially interesting shows and Barry entered them in a spreadsheet,” Darlene shared.  “From there we looked up trailers and descriptions online and made notes on the spread sheet.”

With hundreds of potential selections in their database, the couple spent over two weeks analyzing and prioritizing their list before rendering a decision on what to watch.

“We not only factored in our personal tastes but also the recommendation friends made on social media,” Barry said.  “By day 28 we felt confident we could start watching effectively.”

Starting with the highest ranked programs on the list, the Comptons committed to watching a minimum of three minutes of a program or movie before deciding to keep watching or move on to the next option.

“We could tell quickly whether it was something we would enjoy,” Darlene said.  “We spent most of day 28 culling through the list we made, but by day 29 we were bingeing on The Crown, Stranger Things and Downton Abbey before passing out during day 30.”

After doing the calculations on how much viewing they had remaining on Netflix versus how much recreational time they had budgeted for television, the couple decided to cancel their cable subscription.

“We enjoy the interface and selection Netflix offers and can’t envision requiring other viewing options,” Barry said.

“Most of our young friends talk about wanting to watch Netflix and chill so I guess we’ll just do that from now on,” Darlene added.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  We all know it takes a long time to pick something to watch on Netflix once you have binge watched your favorites already but this story could not possibly be true.  No one could take more that 14 days to decide what to watch.  We recommend odd British TV shows that are shot extremely close or some of the endless selections of stand up comedy shows.

Photo Credit – sarchi

Producers of TV hit series Suits create spinoff series based on construction workers called Safety Vests starring Meghan Markle

Producers of Suits Announce Spinoff Called “Safety Vests” Starring Meghan Markle

HOLLYWOOD, CA & PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Producers of the hit TV drama suits announced they are collaborating with C.I.P.P. –TV to create a new drama series based on the people who wear orange, high-visibility safety clothing

Meghan Markle will headline Suits spinoff, Safety Vests.
Meghan Markle will star in Suits spinoff “Safety Vests” based on the high drama lives of construction workers

“Safety Vests” will tell the stories of intrigue and excitement from the construction world the same way “Suits” portrayed New York City lawyers.

Billed as a high-level drama, “Safety Vests” promises to bring sizzling sex appeal to the safety industry and combine compelling characters with breathtaking life and death situations with each episode having twists and worker compensation claims.

“The first episode will kick-off with a work site safety meeting,” producer Brian Berenstein said.  “We won’t waste any time until our cast of characters are subjected to a work place inspection by a health and safety officer.”

“I don’t want to give away too much about the pilot but let’s just say at least one of our main characters is faced with a significant crisis when they are found not wearing their personal protective equipment, including a safety vest.”

The only cast member from Suits to make the jump to the spinoff is Meghan Markle, who plays the love interest of head safety officer Kenny Brookside who is exposed in episode three as an imposter with no official safety training.

When Brookside is exposed an imposter, it sets off a chain of attempts by the construction company to hide this fact while they try to maintain numerous construction contracts.

“Despite not having any formal health and safety training, Brookside is potentially the best health and safety officer there is,” Berenstein offered.  “In the show he is simply too good to let go.”

Season one includes 13 episodes and a season ending cliffhanger that exposes Brookside’s secret while he investigates a critical workplace injury.

“Suits had some great appeal among urban professionals so we are hoping Safety Vests does the same thing with the much larger blue-collar audience,” Berenstein said.  “Even people who don’t have to wear safety vests have seen or know people who do.  If a show about lawyers was big, a show about construction workers will be huge.”

C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 will air the show starting in May on Sunday nights at 9pm temporarily displacing Beverly Hills 90210.

Station owner Ryan Coke is thrilled about the new co-production.

“This show is important to us and vital to telling the stories of the amazing men and woman who have to wear those obnoxiously ugly orange vests.  Until I read the pitch for this show, I thought they were nothing more than low-skilled trolls, but I’ve had my eyes opened.  They seem to have real lives and real problems; at least on the show they’ll be interesting.  Plus, Meghan Markle rocks her safety vest and steel-toed heels, so I’ll be watching.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and to find the link to the full legal information.  If you do not want to do that please know that this story and website are fictional and that means they are not real.  TV is real, Suits is a real show and Meghan Markle is so real she is marrying a prince but this story is just made up nonsense.  Do not be a dope and think it is real.  Orange safety vests are real too but the story and website are still not real.

Photo Credit guy in safety vest – Elvert Barnes

Photo Credit Meghan Markle – Genevieve

Junior B team tries to run goalie after getting down by 9

Junior B Hockey Team Tries To Win Game By Running Opposition Goalie When Down By 9 

ST. CLAUDE, MB –

The St. Claude Voyageurs of the Manitoba Junior B Hockey League sent a strong and clear message last night in a game they lost 11-1 to the Roland Pumpkin Express.  With only three minutes left in the second period Pumpkin Express forward and captain Gord Klassen rifled a shot past St. Claude goalie Mark Toth to put Roland up 9-0.  Following the ensuing faceoff Voyageur right-winger Josh Wexford took the puck hard to the net, intentionally knocking Roland goalie Peter Schroeder to the ice while sending the net flying.

“I wanted to get my team fired up, get them going, get us back in the game,” Josh Wexford told C.I.P.P. TV’s “Get The Puck Out” after the game.  “We needed a spark so I did what I could.”

Wexford found himself on the losing end of a fight and saddled with a 3 game suspension.

“Wexy was a real team player,” Voyageur Head Coach Brian Hannah said.  “We got down 9-0 and needed to try to get us back in the game.”

Voyageur coaches and players were unable to explain how hitting a vulnerable goalie would help them get back in a game they had no chance to win, leading many to speculate the move was just one of spite and revenge.

“Sure we had fewer shots than they did goals by that point but I like Wexy’s heart and thirst to win.  He has great compete,” Hannah said.  “The only thing we were trying to get even was the score.”

The controversial move did result in St. Claude breaking Schroeder’s shutout bid with Jacques Brouseau scoring on a breakaway late in the third period when Roland was no longer even trying and playing mostly third and forth line players.

“I think we really showed the hometown fans and the league what we’re all about,” Hannah said.  “It’s doesn’t matter if it’s 1-0 or 9-0 we’ll capable of doing whatever it takes to win.”

With only 2 wins so far this season St. Claude has certainly shown they regularly don’t show up to play until the score is out of hand and they have no chance to win.  A point coach Hannah disagrees with.

“You never know.  That could have been the spark to help us score ten goals in under 25 minutes of hockey,” Hannah pointed out.  A task they haven’t been able to accomplish in over three seasons having only scored a maximum of 4 goals in any one game in that time.

St. Claude has tried running the opposition players from behind, sucker punching, squirting Gatorade at the refs and delivering vicious two-handers over opposing player’s heads all in hopes of coming back from being down by large amounts.

“We are really trying to work with these young men and install in them the type of character it takes to win in hockey,” Hannah said.  “This isn’t kiddie play time, this is Junior B hockey and our players know what’s on the line.”

Rarely, if ever, do Junior B players older than 17 ever make to professional levels of hockey so at best, the majority of St. Claude’s players will go on to play Senior hockey and recreational beer leagues.

“Part of our recruiting pitch is that we have a long list of players who have gone on to a few senior leagues around the province and many more who have become stars on their late-night beer league teams,” Hannah explained.  “Our boys really get the drinking beer thing down during their time with us.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  You really shouldn’t need an explanation to realize this story is fictional.  Fictional means made up in case you were about to google the word fictional.  But by all means read the disclaimer and then read the additional legal information if you are confused at all.  We created these links because scientist have failed to find a cure for stupid.  Until they do we are forced to treat the symptoms with explanations like this.  Ya.

Photo Credit – Mark Mauno