Lack of funeral announcements frustrate local senior Udo Dirkschneider

Local Senior Frustrated By Lack of Funeral Announcements On Local Radio Station Launches Formal Complaint 

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Every morning for 20 years, Udo Dirkschneider brews a cup of coffee, makes some toast and sits at his kitchen table at 8:45 am to listen to the funeral announcements on CIPP 980 AM, but lately he has grown frustrated with the radio station.

“Four days in a row for each of the last two weeks there hasn’t been one new funeral announcement,” Irma Dirkschneider, Udo’s wife of 58 years explained.  “Udo got so mad last Wednesday he threw his coffee cup at the radio and broke it.  The cup, not the radio.”

Dirkschneider is complaining CIPP 980 AM has reduced the number and quality of local funeral announcements since it was taken over by Coke Media Services and made part of the Manitoba Broadcast Network.

“It used to be that I could hear a good half-dozen local deaths each morning,” Udo Dirkschneider explained.  “In the last few years they keep cutting back.  Now all I hear is ‘there are not funeral announcements today’.  Well, why the hell not?  There has always been funeral announcements.”

“Udo looks so forward to the deaths each morning,” Mrs. Dirkschneider shared.  “It helps him start his day on a positive note but when the radio station says there isn’t any funeral announcements, it ruins his day.”

The Portage senior is upset with the lack of commitment from the radio station to provide daily local funeral announcements and is taking his complaint to the federal regulator, the CRTC.

“I’ve already called the CRTC and they are going to launch an investigation to get this fixed,” Dirkschneider said.  “980 AM will be in big trouble for short-changing Portage on death announcements.”

CIPP 980 AM owner, Ryan Coke responded to the complaint in a statement.  “CIPP 980 AM provides excellence in local funeral coverage and will continue to do so.  In the event when there are no deaths CIPP will continue to announce there are none.  We feel it is important to remind Portagers that not every day ends in death.”

The CRTC is reviewing the matter but voiced some immediate concerns.  “Mr. Dirkschneider has raised a valid issue.  Over the last number of years, CIPP has been reducing the overall number of funeral announcements and that is troubling for local listeners who rely on the somber segment each morning.  While the station says, it is related to the fact there are no local deaths to announce the CRTC is not convinced this is a legitimate reason.  We’d like to see CIPP step up with more funeral announcements on the days they are now running none.”

Station owner, Ryan Coke promised to look at the matter and discuss it with his news director to see if they can generate more death announcements.

“In the end we have to keep the CRTC happy or they will take away our license,” Coke said.  “Either the death rate will have to increase or we will have to do what it takes to generate daily death notices.”

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal notices.  This story is fictional and satirical as is the website in its entirety.  Humour is not for everyone, please use responsibly.  Fictional means made up, not real while satirical implies funny but this is not always the case.  Warning, not all the stories on this website are funny to all viewers.  Every attempt has been made to achieve a laugh or happy grunt but these attempts are nor always successful.  Please continue to return to this website daily to find our latest stab at tickling you where it makes you chuckle.  Tell your friends about us but please do not share with your mother.  Please follow all the advice of the Canada Food Guide and always wear a condom.  Help a friend, walk a dog, pet a cat and talk to a bird.  Your mother is afraid of us.  You were warned.  Obey the rules of the road and do not light fires.

Photo Credit – Paul Waite

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The Portage Church had members of its congregation experience time related anxiety

Congregation Stressed As Church Service Runs Late: Band Can’t Find Ending of Song

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Worshippers at The Portage Church experienced hunger pains and time-related anxiety when their Sunday service didn’t end until 12:30pm on Sunday morning.

With about five minutes left in the hour-long service, the worship band took the stage for the final number.  That would normally be more than enough time for the song and the pastor’s final prayer but here was a mix up between the person running the power point and the band leader causing the final verse of the song to be lost.

The local congregation eliminated hymnals over a decade ago but never thought something this terrible could occur.

“I’ve never been part of anything like this before,” church member Mark Mywords said.  “Once we got to quarter after twelve I thought something was wrong. “

“My tummy started to hurt ten minutes into the song,” Marion Mooney said.  “It was a new song I hadn’t sung before so I didn’t know what to do.  It was all so disturbing.  Church shouldn’t be disturbing.”

No one from the church would comment on the record but they did confirm there was a problem with the last song and the service was delayed.

Sources from the church claim the band leader and the audio/video tech person were being disciplined by being asked to serve in kid’s church indefinitely.

Since the incident, The Portage Church has seen a drop in attendance with many people staying home to manage the time-related anxiety sparked by the lengthy service.  Those who are attending have been seen bringing in snacks and bottled water in case the service should go long again.

Worship Pastor, Max E. Mum offered reassurances to congregants.  “Although modern worship music is often repetitive and hypnotic, we will make sure we can find the ending to all songs we perform and that musicians, singers and tech people are all aware of the ending.”

Photo Credit – cbcmemberphotos2477

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Portage la Prairie church fires pastor for being too much like Jesus

Pastor Fired for Being Too Much Like Jesus

Portage la Prairie, MB – After attending an all-night wedding party then preaching a sermon on the beach, a local pastor has been fired and his church closed for good.

“This wasn’t the first incident.  He had been warned many times, “ Barry Dumas, Regional Director of The Domination, said.  “We’ve been dealing with numerous complaints about Reverend Kent McPhail and his followers.  Their behaviour and actions have been reckless and irresponsible.”

Pastor, Kent McPhail, was attending a wedding at Delta Beach on the shore of Lake Manitoba Saturday afternoon, and unlike most ministers, decided to stay for the reception party.

“It was shameful,” neighbour Judy Swallows said.  “They partied all night and I could see Pastor McPhail laughing it up with the drunks and having a good time.  I don’t think the people getting married even go to our church, or any church for that matter.”

Following the party McPhail reportedly held a church service on the beach by a bonfire and invited the rest of his congregation to join him via text messaging and social media.

“We don’t approve of the random and arbitrary moving of services from our sanctuary to the scene of a drinking party.  And we certainly frown on the use of social media and prefer a more religious approach to faith,” Dumas said.

The Reverend McPhail has been taking heat for a while from concerned congregants.  Complaints range from McPhail spending time with corrupt businessmen, foul-mouthed hockey players, the mentally ill, people in bankruptcy, to local prostitutes.  McPhail had also sold his home and was currently of no-fixed-address.

“Mr. McPhail chose not to heed our warnings about the type of person he selected to be around.  We had long-time church members going without visits and he was leaving discipleship meetings for others to run while he went to barbeques, golf tournaments and bars,” Dumas explained.  “He seemed more interested in spending time in the community than in the church.  Instead of church conferences Mr. McPhail would embarrass us and attend music festivals like Country Fest.”

“We would have preferred he spend more time modelling and teaching abstinence of every kind.  He insisted on taking a path that was dirty, messy and irreligious and he now finds himself unemployed.”

Claims McPhail and a handful of followers healed locals of cancer and diabetes was fuel for more complaints.

“It’s nice that some people were apparently healed of their chronic and terminal illness but why didn’t he heal everyone in the hospital?”  Swallows said.  “I think permanent cures would be far more helpful than these selective healings.”

McPhail was severely criticized for an incident where he claimed to have driven demons out of a local man into a flock of geese.  The geese then proceeded to fly into traffic on Crescent Road, killing over 20 of them.  This incident drew outrage from local residents upset about the senseless death of the geese along with concern from his own congregation he was taking things too far.

Church services became unpredictable and unruly at times.  Some sermons would last all day and McPhail was known to often preach outdoors in public places around Portage.

“He couldn’t understand that people want to come to church for an hour a week, sing four songs, hear a nice sermon and go home.” Dumas said.  “He was getting some people to meet with him every day and was more concerned about how they lived outside the church than inside.”

The local church has closed its doors and the remaining congregants are being encouraged to find churches that meet their individual preferences.  No verifiable stats were available but anecdotal evidence suggests the church saw many long-time members leave several months ago at McPhail’s suggestion that belongings be sold and their wealth shared with those in need.  Existing members of the flock are said to struggle with addictions, mental illness and poverty, leaving many to believe they will be unable to form a new church or catch on with existing ones.

The Reverend McPhail’s only response was “It is as you say.”  A quick search of his social media pages included images of the face of God appearing in unusual places with no accompanying explanation.

Notice to readers:  Click here to read the full disclaimer about the satirical and fictional nature of the story and website.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and reality. Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition, they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like oatmeal and beans.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.  Pray for Portage.

 

Photo Credit – Michael Coghlan

Canada sends Mennonite people packing.

Canada Sending Mennonites Packing – Manitoba Political Leader Part Of Upcoming Exodus

WINNIPEG, MB –

A recent federal government probe into the citizenship status of hundreds of second generation Mennonites lead Ottawa to revoke its original invitation to all Mennonite people dating as far back as the 18th century.

“We were looking at the whole citizenship issue of Mennonites from South America when we started looking at the whole Menno-thing,” federal government spokesperson Elvira Gauthier said.  “Modern Canada might not be the best fit for Mennonites.  We think it is best they leave.”

Originally, Mennonites were allowed and invited to come to Canada to escape revolutions in Russia and the U.S.A.  At first, it was a win-win situation with Canada needing settlers and farmers and Mennonites needing a sanctuary to avoid persecution and military participation.  Today it is seen as an uncomfortable arrangement.

“Things have settled down in Russia lately so we don’t see any reason why they can’t go back,” Gauthier said.  “As a government we are growing weary of their aversion to military duty.  It was a pain during both world wars and, if we end up having to get into it with the U.S.A. at some point, we can’t have a huge group opting out again.”

The plan is for all Mennonites originating from Russia, Mexico and South America to start returning home by the end of the year.  Mennonites who came to Canada from the United States during the American Revolution will not be deported as it has been deemed unsafe to return.  Once political stability returns to the U.S.A. the green light will be given to them to go back.

Members of Parliament who are Mennonite will also be required to leave, including Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader, Murphy Braun.  Braun’s maiden name is Klippenstein, a family coming from Prussia in the late 1800’s.

“I think it is good for Canada,” Portager Pat Perkins said.  “I don’t mind the Mennonites.  They did a lot of good, but times up I guess.”

An abundance of agricultural land in Southern Ontario and across the prairies along with valuable real estate in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia will be repatriated during the upcoming migration.

“We took a lot of land from First Nations during the homesteading program of the late 1800’s and early 1900’s and gave it to immigrants like the Mennonites,” Gauthier explained.  “With them gone we can settle most of the outstanding land claims and get the First Nations off our backs.  This will be really good for Canada.

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites have become successful farmers, entrepreneurs and some have even become political leaders and musicians.

“The original intent of the government was to have them stay on reserves and remain marginalized and isolated,” Gauthier reasoned.  “We didn’t expect them to go beyond the original Mennonite reserves and start dominating the culture and society in many jurisdictions.  They are an enterprising group for sure.  I’m sure they will be just as successful back in Russia and South America.”

Leaders from Russia, Mexico, Bolivia, Belize, and Paraguay have all signed agreements to welcome their Mennonites back.

C.I.P.P.-TV did not include interviews from any actual Mennonites because they were upset and negative and our mandate as a station is to provide a positive reflection of our community.

“The government will be happy to get rid of Mennonite representatives like Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun because they share a strange right-wing, pseudo-religious perspective that is sympathetic to the American Regime,” Gauthier said.  “It’s odd, they are pacifists but support gun ownership, are pro-Israel and are comfortable with America’s military agenda.”

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites en masse have moved from a secluded religious existence to a more toned down secular life-style while maintaining an awkward spiritual aloofness and moral superiority.  This has made them more widely accepted by Canadian society without being fully integrated.

“Mennonites are part of Canada’s rich cultural history and we wish them the best in their new-old home,” Gauthier said.  “Those countries, fortunate enough to welcome them back, will come to enjoy their odd but hard-working and enterprising ways.”

Canada will miss Mennonite expertise in running thrift stores and making quilts but the elimination of their contributions to the countries culinary landscape will be welcomed.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional and satirical reality of this story and website.  There is also more legal ramblings to savour.  Fictional means made up, not real.  Satirical means “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Mennonites are not being deported, well not all of them, yet.  Some might be but it is unlikely but we digress.  This website is completely fictional and satirical so do not share this on social media thinking you’ve found proof of a conspiracy against Mennonites.  This website means no harm and wishes no ill on Mennonites, Hutterites, The Amish or any other religious and ethnic group.  We reserve the right to make fun of Mennonites because some the writers of this site may in fact, be Mennonite.  Obviously, we are not good Mennonites but that is not being offered up for debate.  Debating is not for Mennonites, we simply preach, judge and move on.  See, a judgy comment to prove our point.  Oba Yo!

Photo credit – Ted Eytan

Nickelback's Chad Kroeger becomes worship pastor

Portage Church To Hire Chad Kroeger as Worship Pastor To Help Resurrect His Career

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

For years, closet Nickelback fan and Pastor, Kevin Bunski, drew inspiration from the music of Canada’s most iconic rock band so when he had the chance to hire front man Chad Kroeger as the Worship Pastor for the Portage Assembly of Christians Church he went for it.  Click here to read about Bunski using Nickelback songs for sermons.

“We had posted for the vacant position when our last worship leader had to leave for reasons we won’t speak about,” Bunski explained.  “When I saw Chad’s application I squealed a ‘Praise Jesus’ and made the call right away.

To outsiders it might seem odd that a rock and roll superstar would be a good fit for a music pastors but Bunski makes some compelling arguments for the move.

“As I’ve said before, Christians love Nickelback,” Bunski explained.  “Most Christians keep this a secret but at P.A.C. we have come out publicly on this issue. “

“Chad has long identified with his mother’s Mennonite heritage, opting to use her maiden name for his stage handle,” Bunski said.  “We have questioned Chad extensively and are convinced he is a Mennonite at heart and therefore automatically qualified for Christian service.”

Kroeger is scheduled to start next month and is promising to add a lot of energy and edge to the traditional praise and worship choruses offered up at the Portage Assembly of Christians.

“He will be great for evangelism and attracting young Christians under 55 from other area churches who are looking for a more modern expression of their faith,” Bunski said.  “We had to pay a lot to get him to come here but we should be able to generate a lot more income with more people attending.”

Bunski also notes that older adherents will find Kroeger more acceptable since he opted for a shorter hair-style and has sacrificed his goatee.

“While a more full beard is preferable and more Mennonite, I wouldn’t be upset if he went back to the goatee.  Christians would see that as being a little more hipster and that is all the rage in church circles.

Nickelback will be on hiatus while Kroeger takes on his new role but Bunski is willing to offer flexibility to his superstar pastor to tour in the future.

“In the church we have this thing called sabbatical,” Bunski said.  “Sometimes we like to spiritualize it but it’s usually just an extended paid vacation.  If Chad needs to tour for a while I’m sure we can get a sabbatical approved for him.”

The Portage Assembly of Christians Church is planning a special fund-raising supper to raise money for a new and more robust sound system.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full schpeel on this story and website being fictional, satirical and funny.  Don’t try and trick people into thinking it’s real by posting this on social media, claiming to be outraged at the state of the world and the stupidity of the story.  CIPPTV is not a real TV station.  It’s not even a station it is a website that has ridiculous stories and tales of satire and stupidity.  We are trying to use the word stupidity a lot so it  shows up in search engine results.  Why?  We don’t know why, perhaps we are just board.

Photo Credit:  Focka

Church of Tom Petty a Modern Day Saint

Facebook Posts Lead Man To Believe In Resurrected Tom Petty & Start Church

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Portagers are calling it The Church of Tom Petty a Modern Day Saint, and it is a religious movement that is exploding.

Founder, Peter Frohlinger, started the Church after Petty’s death on Monday and according to Frohlinger, his apparent resurrection.

“I got a text from my buddy Derek Monday afternoon that Tom Petty had died,” Frohlinger said.  “The first thing I did was check Facebook and Twitter and sure enough they confirmed he was dead.  I called my wife to break the news to her, but by the time I got home, Facebook said he was alive again.  It was a rock and roll miracle!”

Frohlinger believes the confusion and early reports of Tom Petty’s death were the result of the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer coming back to life.

“The mainstream media won’t cover this but I could tell from Facebook that he was dead for several hours before he came back to life,” Frohlinger said.  The life-long fan believes Petty was prophesying in his hit songs.

“He clearly sang that he won’t back down even at the gates of hell.  I’m guessing he died and maybe ended up going down rather than up and said ‘no way man, I’m Tom Petty and I won’t back down’.  I think he got a second chance to come back, make things right, perform some miracles and then he free-fell out of here.”

The Church of Tom Petty features a doctrine of peace, love and freedom combined with some popular mainstream Christian beliefs.

“I want the world to share in the miracle that was Tom’s death and life,” Frohlinger said.  “After coming back from the dead he clearly found a peace with God and lived out his prophecy of free fallin’ into the after life.  It’s a powerful lesson we can all learn from and live by.”

The churches first several services will feature music and messages centred on the Full Moon Fever album.  Worshippers at each service will sing Free Fallin’ and I Won’t Back Down and the songs Love is a Long Road, A Face in the Crowd, Runnin’ Down a Dream, I’ll Feel a Whole Lot Better, Depending on You and Alright for Now will all be used as the inspiration for upcoming sermons.

“We’ve heard from over four hundred Portagers who plan on coming to our first service this weekend,” Frohlinger offered.  “There are at least a dozen other communities in North America who are looking at starting a local branch of the church.  This idea has really struck a chord and is filling a deep spiritual need.”

The church plans on renting space for now but is looking to buy land and build a church and museum if the support is there.

“Tom was a very spiritual man and we’d love to create something that celebrates the miracle of his death and resurrection along with his music.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about this story and website being satire and purely fictional.  It is sad we have to point this out but please read and share responsibly.

Photo: Amber

Nickelback Pastor inspires with rock and roll

Pastor Confesses To Using Nickelback Songs For Sermons

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A local pastor confessed he uses a Canadian hit rock group some have dubbed “the worst band in the world” for inspiration for some of his most popular sermons.

Reverend Kevin Bunski told CIPP-TV’s Rick and Anita Siemens, on the award-winning daytime spiritual talk-show Dawn of The Day, how he’s been a closet Nickelback fan since the 90’s and draws sermon ideas from the secular bands music.

“It started when I kind of borrowed from the song Leader of Men for my ‘Christ is living water’ sermon,” Bunski admitted on Dawn of the Day earlier this week.  “The words really spoke spiritual truth to me.  I figured none of my congregation would know it was from Nickelback – and I was right.”

Once Bunski started delving into the poetic hard rock lyrics of Nickelback, he noticed those sermons seemed to resonate the best with his church.

“Every time I used Nickelback lyrics in the sermon or the title of the sermon I noticed more people attending and bringing their friends,” Bunski said.  “I believe it was a sign from God.   So I kept doing it.”

Nickelback’s break out album Silver Side Up provided a bonanza in sermon inspiration.  Bunski was able to spin “How You Remind Me” into a series on finding your identity in Christ.  The top 10 hit “Too Bad” became the base for a sermon about the prodigal son.

“Back then I never figured anyone would catch on.  Christians don’t listen to that kind of music and even if they did they couldn’t admit it openly.”

As the band kept pumping out hit after hit, Bunski rode the wave of each album by adding to his flock.  In 2003, Bunski had two hit sermon series based on the songs “Someday” and “Believe it or Not” from the album “The Long Road”.

By the mid 2000’s even hard-core Nickelback, fans were starting to shy away from publicly endorsing the band.  It became trendy to tell people how terrible you thought the band was but privately people were buying albums and concert tickets in record numbers.

Bunski saw this as an opportunity to leverage his position and double down with sermons based on the songs “Savin’ Me”, “If Anyone Cared”, “If Today Was Your Last Day” and “What Are You Waiting For”.  He even went as far as to use the titles verbatim and quoted the exact lyrics without attribution.

“I thought in the climate of public hatred and private infatuation for Nickelback even if someone in the church caught on they would never say anything,” Bunski said.

The rogue rock and roll pastor explained to Rick and Anita Siemens how he came to believe the group were secretly Christians evidenced by having at least one or two divinely inspired songs on each album.

“What are you waiting for” and “Make me Believe Again” are practically sermons set to music,” Bunski offered.  “I think Nickelback are a bit like their fans in how they shy away from admitting their true love.  They might just be the most Christian band anywhere.  I really love these guys and God loves them too.”

Bunski admits his secret source of inspiration could have remained under wraps if a new member of his flock lacking social skills had not outed him.

“Lyle Preston just joined our church and was baptised last year,” Bunski said.  “I should’ve know he might be a problem when he got baptised in a Saskatchewan Roughrider jersey.  Rider fans generally like Nickelback and lack the social skills to hide it.”

Coming clean about Nickelback has freed many in Bunski’s church to enjoy one of the best-selling bands of all time openly.

“In the end we found that most Christians secretly listened to Nickelback,” Bunski shared.  “It is nice that we can enjoy their music as a congregation.”

Many Christians are fed a diet of Christian branded worship music produced out of Nashville, which explains why their tolerance for formulated clichés is so well developed.

To see more, tune in all week to Rick and Anita Siemens on Dawn of The Day as they discuss Pastor Bunski’s Nickelback inspired sermons.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fact this story and website are satire and fiction.  

Photo: Jake Guild – https://www.flickr.com/photos/simpleskye/