Portage la Prairie church fires pastor for being too much like Jesus

Pastor Fired for Being Too Much Like Jesus

Portage la Prairie, MB – After attending an all-night wedding party then preaching a sermon on the beach, a local pastor has been fired and his church closed for good.

“This wasn’t the first incident.  He had been warned many times, “ Barry Dumas, Regional Director of The Domination, said.  “We’ve been dealing with numerous complaints about Reverend Kent McPhail and his followers.  Their behaviour and actions have been reckless and irresponsible.”

Pastor, Kent McPhail, was attending a wedding at Delta Beach on the shore of Lake Manitoba Saturday afternoon, and unlike most ministers, decided to stay for the reception party.

“It was shameful,” neighbour Judy Swallows said.  “They partied all night and I could see Pastor McPhail laughing it up with the drunks and having a good time.  I don’t think the people getting married even go to our church, or any church for that matter.”

Following the party McPhail reportedly held a church service on the beach by a bonfire and invited the rest of his congregation to join him via text messaging and social media.

“We don’t approve of the random and arbitrary moving of services from our sanctuary to the scene of a drinking party.  And we certainly frown on the use of social media and prefer a more religious approach to faith,” Dumas said.

The Reverend McPhail has been taking heat for a while from concerned congregants.  Complaints range from McPhail spending time with corrupt businessmen, foul-mouthed hockey players, the mentally ill, people in bankruptcy, to local prostitutes.  McPhail had also sold his home and was currently of no-fixed-address.

“Mr. McPhail chose not to heed our warnings about the type of person he selected to be around.  We had long-time church members going without visits and he was leaving discipleship meetings for others to run while he went to barbeques, golf tournaments and bars,” Dumas explained.  “He seemed more interested in spending time in the community than in the church.  Instead of church conferences Mr. McPhail would embarrass us and attend music festivals like Country Fest.”

“We would have preferred he spend more time modelling and teaching abstinence of every kind.  He insisted on taking a path that was dirty, messy and irreligious and he now finds himself unemployed.”

Claims McPhail and a handful of followers healed locals of cancer and diabetes was fuel for more complaints.

“It’s nice that some people were apparently healed of their chronic and terminal illness but why didn’t he heal everyone in the hospital?”  Swallows said.  “I think permanent cures would be far more helpful than these selective healings.”

McPhail was severely criticized for an incident where he claimed to have driven demons out of a local man into a flock of geese.  The geese then proceeded to fly into traffic on Crescent Road, killing over 20 of them.  This incident drew outrage from local residents upset about the senseless death of the geese along with concern from his own congregation he was taking things too far.

Church services became unpredictable and unruly at times.  Some sermons would last all day and McPhail was known to often preach outdoors in public places around Portage.

“He couldn’t understand that people want to come to church for an hour a week, sing four songs, hear a nice sermon and go home.” Dumas said.  “He was getting some people to meet with him every day and was more concerned about how they lived outside the church than inside.”

The local church has closed its doors and the remaining congregants are being encouraged to find churches that meet their individual preferences.  No verifiable stats were available but anecdotal evidence suggests the church saw many long-time members leave several months ago at McPhail’s suggestion that belongings be sold and their wealth shared with those in need.  Existing members of the flock are said to struggle with addictions, mental illness and poverty, leaving many to believe they will be unable to form a new church or catch on with existing ones.

The Reverend McPhail’s only response was “It is as you say.”  A quick search of his social media pages included images of the face of God appearing in unusual places with no accompanying explanation.

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Photo Credit – Michael Coghlan

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Mega Church Pastor Loves The Christian Brand But Is Less Impressed With Jesus

Houston, TX – 

The truth shall set you free, and Jeffery Roberts is telling his congregation the shocking truth about Jesus Christ and will be a guest this week on CIPP-TV’s Dawn of The Day.

“We must read the gospels through the lens of modern revelation,” mega-church Pastor Jeffery Roberts said.  “The Bible is sacred, but we have to look at it from our new perspective.”

Roberts claims he has recently done a thorough examination of some of the teachings of Jesus Christ and found them to range between lacking, and completely heresy, when measured with American values.

“I don’t think some non-white guy in the Middle East would know what he said 2,000 years ago would fly in the face of what we hold most precious today,” Roberts said.  “And besides, the portions we object to only account for 5-10% of the entire Bible.”

Most troubling to Roberts is Jesus’ instructions to love our enemies, not to judge, forgive, help those in need and stand up for the marginalized.

“We can’t teach people to sell their stuff and give the money to those in need,” Roberts explained.  “That’s pretty much communism and we know that doesn’t work.  Today we value those who help themselves, work hard, and hoard for their retirement.  The American Dream is not to give the low-lifes and welfare bums a free ride.”

“How many successful entrepreneurs would there be if they were to employ those kinds of approachs.”

Roberts certainly takes exception to leaders being too much like Jesus.

“We can’t have elected and business leaders taking a mamby pamby approach,” Roberts offered.  “The Pharisees had a better grasp of an eye for an eye and what it takes to get ahead in this world and stay ahead.  This concept of grace is fine at times but it has no place in most things.”

Despite taking a dim view of some of Jesus’ teachings, the Mega-Church of Christians of Houston does not plan on changing its name to reflect their beliefs.

“The Christian brand has a lot of power and equity in America and it needs to be preserved,” Roberts said.  “While we might disagree with a lot of what Jesus said we have to honour the power of the brand.  Christian in synonymous with what is good, wholesome, proper and decent.  Why wouldn’t we want to keep that branding for our church?”

The congregation will still be encouraged to pray in Jesus’ name but they just will not pray for those things that violate their right-wing political and moral theology.

“We stand for sound morals and the avoidance of all appearance of evil,” Roberts said.  “We won’t teach people that Jesus didn’t exist, but we certainly won’t remind people how much he hung around poor, low-class nobodies with a nasty reputation for sinning and ungodly living.  If you are a friend of sinners and prostitutes, you are no friend of mine.  I wouldn’t tell my kids to hang out with a rag tag group of immoral partiers like that so I won’t be telling my church to.”

Since Pastor Roberts announced his position attendance and giving at his 15,000 member church has increased.

“We’ve heard far more positive sermons,” regular attender Karl Unzo said.  “How to live healthier.  How to gain God’s favour and blessing.  I can’t get enough of those kind of messages.”

Roberts plans to launch a series of books and podcasts outlining his new theology with a touring conference event to aid in the marketing featuring some of todays top Christian musical acts.  He’s also writing a book on church leadership because there simply isn’t enough of them already.

“It’s an important shift.  People want a religion that lines up with who they are and what they believe,” Roberts said.  “We have strong American values rooted in the Bible that the whole world wants.  It’s our destiny and calling to share that through whatever means necessary, even if is contrary to what Jesus said.”

Watch Dawn of the Day  hosted by Rick and Anita Siemens all this week on CIPP-TV Channel 116 for full interviews.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer.  Click here to read all about how this story and website is fictional and satire.  Don’t bother snoping it cause she ain’t real dude.  Have a great day and keep your stick on the ice and head up.

Photo:  Jake Guild – https://www.flickr.com/photos/simpleskye/

Dawn of The Day Set To Inspire

Dawn of The Day – Local pastors Rick and Anita Siemens convinced their followers to donate money to buy a one-hour time block each day on our TV station.

We love it because it brings in easy money and fills an hour of Canadian content without us lifting a finger.

Rick and Anita will fill their time with extended interviews with professional guest speakers, authors promoting their latest books and other like-minded Christians.  There will be a healthy dose of prosperity gospel and repeated pleas for donations to keep the program on the air.

Click here to read Rick and Anita Siemens’ profile.