Patrik Laine rollerblades in Amish country

Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 

The beard is weird, but it has gained notoriety and popularity as the Finnisher, Patrik Laine piles up the goals this NHL season.  During the current Winnipeg Jets road trip, Laine decided to strap on some rollerblades and visit the Amish farms around Lancaster Pennsylvania after being invited by local elders.

“We see Patrik as a role model for our young men,” Elder Isaac Stoltzfus said.  “Normally an Amish man would not grow a beard like Mr. Laine’s until after being wed, but we approve of Patrik’s beard.”

The Amish of Lancaster Pennsylvania are grateful Laine has made the Amish beard style trendy, relevant and more acceptable in the secular culture.

*Read About The Origins Of Patrik Laine’s Beard*

*Read About Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Trend To Care For Adult Children*

*Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

“We invited him to come spend the day with us and were excited he agreed,” Stoltzfus explained.  “We have several young women we’d like to introduce to Patrik as a possible wife for him.”

While in the Lancaster area, Laine strapped on the rollerblades and enjoyed the countryside to the delight of his Amish admirers.

“I’m not going to lie,” Laine said.  “I love all the beards and the Amish ladies are very cute but I don’t think I can accept their offer to join them.  I don’t mind the horse and buggy stuff but they don’t have Wi-Fi or electricity so I can’t play video games.  That is pretty much a deal breaker for me.”

Amish elders keen on seeing Laine join their flock said they would consider using electricity and the internet if it meant the Finnish hockey superstar would spend his summers among them.

“If Patrik found an agreeable Amish woman to be his wife we could see about adding electricity and Wi-Fi so he could join us,” Stoltzfus said.  “We don’t normally add worldly things like that to our farms but Patrik is special so we might consider it.”

Nikolaj Ehlers, Laine’s best friend on the Winnipeg Jets, was also invited to tag along.  Amish elders feel he has potential for Amish membership if he would embrace his beard more enthusiastically.

“Nik has a lot of appeal among the Amish ladies as well.  He might catch up to Patrik if he would let his beard grow longer,” Stoltzfus said.

Ehlers and Laine both enjoyed their time among their growing base of Amish fans and promised to visit them again.  Neither would comment on whether they found a suitable partner among the group of Amish women they met.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Darcy Johnson

The National Hockey League bans fighting for players and opens it up for fans

NHL Bans Fighting For Players, Opens It Up For Hockey Fans

NEW YORK, NY – Exclusive to “Get The Puck Out”

In a bold move to modernize the National Hockey League, Commissioner Gary Bettman announced starting next season fighting will be banned for players but measures will be put in place to allow fans to fight while attending games.

“Today we address two major issues for the National Hockey League,” Gary Bettman said.  “Player safety is paramount in light of what we know but mostly ignore about CTE.  Furthermore, our fans are demanding more from their NHL in-game experience, and to provide the ultimate fan engagement, we will be allowing select fans the chance to fight on behalf of their team during NHL contests.”

The League and Board of Governors are establishing the Fan Fury Festival in every NHL arena, an opportunity for fans to battle UFC style for their favourite team and take over the pugilism from the players.

“It no longer makes sound financial sense for our players, who are all multi-millionaires to put their bodies at risk of injury.  We have a pool of willing fans, who are worth far less than NHL players, wanting to put their health and safety on the line for the team,” Bettman explained.

A fighting cage will be retro-fitted in each rink to allow fans to fight in response to a dirty hit, a cheap shot, taunting, chirping or if their team is not playing well and needs a lift.  A fan representing each team will pay extra for the chance to fight and will be placed in the cage to duke it out in a ninety second match broadcast in-house on the scoreboard video screen as well as on NHL partner broadcasts.

Games will pause for the duration of the fight and the players will be encouraged to watch the fight on the centre ice screens and draw inspiration and energy from the battling fans.

“In today’s NHL, fans travel to road games more than ever,” Bettman offered.  “This will add a dynamic new element to the game and encourage more out-of-town visits from travelling fans, and a new level of interaction with the game, currently unheard of in professional sport.

Fans around the league are overwhelmingly positive about the announcement to move fighting off the ice and away from the players to the stands and amongst the fans.

“I can hardly wait to pay for the chance to punch a Flyers fan in the face,” Winnipeg Jets fan Benjamin Froese said.  “Home or away, it won’t matter to me.  I’d love to bloody that ugly orange jersey.”

“It only makes sense to protect performers making millions a year from hurting themselves in a fight when you have an abundance of low-life, low-value fans who can do it for them,” Toronto Maple Leafs fan Irving Wallace said.

“This is the best idea the NHL has ever had,” Montreal fan Claude Burns said.  “This takes the seventh man to a whole new level.  I can hardly wait until the Bruins come to town next year.”

Local team websites have been inundated with inquiries from fans wanting to know when they can sign up and pay for the new ultimate game experience.

“I’d pay you double what my season tickets are if you give me a chance to kick a Calgary Flames fan’s ass,” Edmonton Oiler fan Bernie Webber offered.  “I’d fight to help my team win, and so I could beat the crap out of somebody without getting arrested.”

Initial cost per round of Fan Fury Festival is rumoured to be $1,200 per participant but the NHL is waiting to gauge market reaction before setting ticket prices as high as possible but the totals will not be included in hockey related revenues.

“This will be a premium product offering, so it would make sense that it will carry a premium price,” Bettman warned.  “We never wanted to take fighting out of hockey so this is a great way to preserve the traditions of our great and storied league while advancing it into the future.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure, explanation and links to further legal notifications.  Basically they are there to make sure you understand this story and website are completely fictional and primarily satirical.  While the NHL, mentioned teams, and Gary Bettman are real the story and quotes are completely fictional, made up and perhaps funny and intended for the entertainment of the tens if not dozens of people who read this site on a daily basis.  Please don’t try to trick your friends on social media into thinking this is real as they may grow to distrust and dislike you when they tell their buddy at the game this idea is for real.  Most people will realize the NHL would never to anything this silly but for the rest of the people holding out for a cure for stupid we provide a long-winded and silly disclaimer.

Photo credit – Mark Mauno

Junior B team tries to run goalie after getting down by 9

Junior B Hockey Team Tries To Win Game By Running Opposition Goalie When Down By 9 

ST. CLAUDE, MB –

The St. Claude Voyageurs of the Manitoba Junior B Hockey League sent a strong and clear message last night in a game they lost 11-1 to the Roland Pumpkin Express.  With only three minutes left in the second period Pumpkin Express forward and captain Gord Klassen rifled a shot past St. Claude goalie Mark Toth to put Roland up 9-0.  Following the ensuing faceoff Voyageur right-winger Josh Wexford took the puck hard to the net, intentionally knocking Roland goalie Peter Schroeder to the ice while sending the net flying.

“I wanted to get my team fired up, get them going, get us back in the game,” Josh Wexford told C.I.P.P. TV’s “Get The Puck Out” after the game.  “We needed a spark so I did what I could.”

Wexford found himself on the losing end of a fight and saddled with a 3 game suspension.

“Wexy was a real team player,” Voyageur Head Coach Brian Hannah said.  “We got down 9-0 and needed to try to get us back in the game.”

Voyageur coaches and players were unable to explain how hitting a vulnerable goalie would help them get back in a game they had no chance to win, leading many to speculate the move was just one of spite and revenge.

“Sure we had fewer shots than they did goals by that point but I like Wexy’s heart and thirst to win.  He has great compete,” Hannah said.  “The only thing we were trying to get even was the score.”

The controversial move did result in St. Claude breaking Schroeder’s shutout bid with Jacques Brouseau scoring on a breakaway late in the third period when Roland was no longer even trying and playing mostly third and forth line players.

“I think we really showed the hometown fans and the league what we’re all about,” Hannah said.  “It’s doesn’t matter if it’s 1-0 or 9-0 we’ll capable of doing whatever it takes to win.”

With only 2 wins so far this season St. Claude has certainly shown they regularly don’t show up to play until the score is out of hand and they have no chance to win.  A point coach Hannah disagrees with.

“You never know.  That could have been the spark to help us score ten goals in under 25 minutes of hockey,” Hannah pointed out.  A task they haven’t been able to accomplish in over three seasons having only scored a maximum of 4 goals in any one game in that time.

St. Claude has tried running the opposition players from behind, sucker punching, squirting Gatorade at the refs and delivering vicious two-handers over opposing player’s heads all in hopes of coming back from being down by large amounts.

“We are really trying to work with these young men and install in them the type of character it takes to win in hockey,” Hannah said.  “This isn’t kiddie play time, this is Junior B hockey and our players know what’s on the line.”

Rarely, if ever, do Junior B players older than 17 ever make to professional levels of hockey so at best, the majority of St. Claude’s players will go on to play Senior hockey and recreational beer leagues.

“Part of our recruiting pitch is that we have a long list of players who have gone on to a few senior leagues around the province and many more who have become stars on their late-night beer league teams,” Hannah explained.  “Our boys really get the drinking beer thing down during their time with us.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  You really shouldn’t need an explanation to realize this story is fictional.  Fictional means made up in case you were about to google the word fictional.  But by all means read the disclaimer and then read the additional legal information if you are confused at all.  We created these links because scientist have failed to find a cure for stupid.  Until they do we are forced to treat the symptoms with explanations like this.  Ya.

Photo Credit – Mark Mauno

Man Hopes Wife’s “Sexier” Clothes & Free Swag Will Get Kid On Hockey Team

Portage la Prairie, MB –

SPECIAL REPORT: for “Get The Puck Out” Saturdays at 5:30pm on CIPP-TV Channel 116

Hockey try-out season is well under way and a local dad has come up with what he believes is a sure-fire plan to help his kid make it this year.

After missing the final cuts the last two years, Jerry Nelson is determined to see his son Tyler make the triple A team this year.

“I know that Ty is a bubble player so I’ll have to do what it takes this year,” Jerry Nelson said.  “I’ve learned what goes into the coaches final picks so we’ll be prepared this year.”

Nelson has informed the coaching staff about the team swag he has ordered and plans on donating if his kid is selected.

“I’ve got hats, hoodies, jackets, toques, hockey bags, skate guards and back packs with team logos all on order,” Nelson offered.  “The coaches and parents of the top kids know I’ll donate all of it once Ty makes the team.”

The hockey dad is not limiting his lobbying efforts to the other players and has solicited his wife’s help in getting Tyler on the team.  The move to send his wife for a makeover and buy her a new wardrobe of “sexier” clothes is drawing criticism from many.

“We all know coaches pick bubble kids based on how hot the mom is,” Nelson explained.  “Irene was fine with getting a make-over and wearing sexier clothes around the rink if it helps Ty make the team.”

Nelson is not stopping at bribing the team and objectifying his wife.  He plans to pay-off coaches to get his son on the team.

“Let’s just say I let the coaches know that my company will sponsor the team in special ways.  We will cover all their hotel rooms and make sure they get some gift cards to their favorite restaurants every week,” Nelson explained.

When contacted, the coaching staff declined to comment on the record whether Mr. Nelson’s efforts would gain Tyler a spot on the team.  An anonymous source close to the team indicated the coaching staff has noticed Mrs. Nelson’s new clothes and makeover.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read more about this story and website being fictional and satirical.  This is not real.  It is also not fake news intended to trick anyone.  It is humour intended to entertain.  Read, share and enjoy responsibly.

Photo: Jamin Gray – https://www.flickr.com/photos/jamingray/

Local NHL Draft Pick Says Coach’s Cliches Helped Him Make It

Portage la Prairie, MB –

It was an emotional moment when Owen Spence heard his name called at the NHL Draft in Chicago.  The Portage product was taken in the fifth round, 129th overall, and was quick to acknowledge his minor hockey coach for being the reason he made it.

“I can’t believe I got drafted in the NHL,” Owen Spence said.  “I want to thank my parents and give a huge shout out to my peewee coach Shaun Hammerlick.  Every time I play I can still hear Coach Hammer’s voice in my head telling me what to do.  He only coached me for one year but he made me the player I am today.”

Shaun Hammerlick was an unlikely mentor, having played only two games of junior B hockey in his hockey career.  He stepped up in Spence’s peewee year to coach when it became obvious it was the only way he could secure ice time for his own son.

“Owen is a great kid.  Helluva defenceman.  He played with my son Zach that whole peewee year.  Zach got a lot of assists setting him up.  I think they set some kind of record for most points by d-men at that level.  Zach was probably a little better but he had bad knees or he could have made the NHL too.”

Hammerlick credits himself for teaching Spence how to skate, shoot, pass, hit, and employ proper gap control and stick position all in one year.  Spence went on to be coached by some of the province’s top coaches and participated in the program of excellence and U-17 Team Canada but all those coaches took a back seat to Hammerlick.

“Anytime I get caught up ice and the puck goes the other way I can hear Coach Hammer yelling ‘Get back!’ Spence explained.  “When a forward would come into our end he would yell ‘Take ‘Em’ or ‘Hit ‘Em!’  He’d even encourage me to ‘wheel’ when I’d get the puck in open ice.  He knew what to do in every situation.  He is a real inspiration.”

“On the power play you could hear his voice above all the fans telling me to shoot and then swear if I missed the net,” Spence said.

Spence and Hammerlick’s paths took different directions after that peewee year with Spence going the AAA route and Hammerlick staying in house-league with his son.

“Owen is a solid player,” Hammerlick said.  “I know how hard it is to make that higher level.  I always told the kids before the game about the time I got called up to junior B from the high school team.  Then I’d remind them to get pucks deep and back check hard.  I can see it made the difference in Owen’s game.”

Disclaimer/notice to readers.

Photo: Bill Heyman: https://www.flickr.com/photos/bytecoder/

Complete Local Hockey Coverage – Get The Puck Out!

Get the Puck Out – Sports Director, Marshall Law, will go deep on the local hockey scene.  Stories on the up and coming prospects, following the careers of local pros and reminiscing with retired vets will pack a half-hour every weekend.

CIPP will pump a ton of money and resources into this show because the owner, Ryan Coke, loves hockey and we have a shot at syndicating the show to a national broadcaster because hockey rules in Canada.

Click here to read Marshall Laws profile.