Portage becomes a leader in political correctness by banning Halloween

Town Replaces Halloween With “Fall Celebration Of Political Correctness & Health”

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

A progressive prairie town in the middle of Canada is becoming a world leader in social advancement and political correctness by not just banning Halloween, but replacing it altogether.

Portage la Prairie is ridding itself of the plague of costume cultural appropriation, youth sexualisation, religious objections, anxiety over promoting obesity and the concerns over regional diabetes rates.

“We’ve known for a while Halloween’s days were numbered,” spokesperson Ellen Ross said.  “We wanted to get Portage as a community ahead of the curve on this issue and become a change leader.  Portage will set an example for others to emulate.”

Prior to the outright ban the committee looked at the issue of costumes to see if a plan and policy could be developed that would allow kids to dress up but the celebration was deemed far to vile to allow for even one more year.

“It’s just not reasonable anymore,” Ross explained.  “Costumes are in general too scary or promote occult and religious stereotypes.  Many are not sexually appropriate and can cause the premature over sexualisation of young people.”

“We want children to learn to accept who they are and dressing up flies in the face of that.”

Portage will ban all references to Halloween and the practise of handing out candy and junk food.  In it’s place, adults and children will be encouraged to hold neighbourhood gatherings featuring sugar fee beverages like tap water and an assortment of local, organic vegetables and discussions about how we can respect all races and gender identities.

“We think the kids will have a lot more fun learning to eat well, protect the environment, and how to express themselves sexually in an appropriate manner,” Ross offered.  “We will explain the how eating well is essential to avoiding type 2 diabetes and managing type 1.”

Children will hear about the evils of plastics in our world, genetically modified foods, the over-use of chemicals in food production, gender equality, fair wages, human rights, how to shop locally to save the planet and how to accept themselves better.

“Kids are already bursting with excitement over these events,” Ross said.  “This excitement will last longer than traditional Halloween candy.  Kids will eat this stuff up.”

Civic officials are confident this event can single-handedly make Portage la Prairie the most progressive, politically correct city in Canada.  They believe Portage will win major national and international awards for this initiative.

“Major awards are definitely on the horizon,” Ross said.  “It will put Portage on the map.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer, disclosure and several other important legal declarations.  We do not assume any responsibility for your inability to discern satire, humour and fiction from reality.  Please eat and drink responsibly.  Objects in your bathroom mirror may be larger than they appear, other objects may be smaller, depends on the mirror and angle of viewing.  Please do not throw your trash from vehicles doing over 60mph on the highway.  Reduce, reuse and recycle where facilities exist.  Where facilities do not exist just burn it.  Make love not war.  Eat lots of fibre.  Remember to drink your Ovaltine.  Sniff it before you put it on and always be thankful for what you have.

Photo Credit – Richard Dick Morgan

Parents can no longer enjoy the same lifestyle and ability to spend as their children

Parents Can Now Only Dream About Having Their Teen’s Lifestyle & Spending Power

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Forget the Jones’, moms and dads are finding it harder to keep up with the kid’s lifestyles than ever before according to new government stats.

7 out of 10 parents, or 70% of adults with children can no longer afford the lifestyle their kids enjoy.

“We found that the disposable income of working adult parents has not kept up with the spending of their corresponding children,” head statistician Genevieve Meeches said.  “Even kids at home with no jobs are getting to spend more on items like eating out, clothes, entertainment and vacations than their parents.”

The government is promising to look at economic assistance programs and tax breaks to help parents close the wealth gap with their children.

On average, a teen living at home spends $1,232.00 a month on items solely for their own enjoyment and entertainment while the average parent spends $378 on the same things.

“Children are enjoying unprecedented levels of wealth when it comes to disposable income,” Meeches explained.  “Essentially all the money they have they get to spend on themselves while parents have the unfortunate burden of mortgages, car payments, tuition, utilities, credit card bills and repair bills.”

The report shows parents now have to say no to things like eating out, spending money on entertainment and must drive older vehicles just to survive.  Many times parents are forced to save for things their children freely enjoy.

The economic gap between the spending power of teens and their parents is at an all-time high and growing each year.

“If the government doesn’t step in to help parents they may soon never be able to afford the lifestyle so many teens enjoy,” Meeches warned.

“As a parent of three teenagers I have felt the pain of not being able to do the things I see my kids do every week,” Portage la Prairie parent Jules Vernon explained.  “We just can’t go to all the parties, concerts and wear the latest clothes anymore.  It does hurt that we see our kids be able to do these things while we can’t. ”

“It’s not fair at all,” Portager Peter Rasmussen offered.  “People living under the same roof shouldn’t have to endure such wealth disparity.  It’s time the government did something to correct this.”

“I wish I had it as good as my kids,” mother of two, Tracy Bergson said.  “I work 60 hours a week and get to spend about fifty bucks on myself.  My kids go to school when they feel like it and spend about 250 dollars a week on food and video games.”

Parents in Portage la Prairie are considering staging protests to raise awareness.  A march and sit in will call on all levels of government to act to close the gap.

“Some might say the parents have caused the problem themselves by giving their children so much without expecting them to earn money themselves but that would be an oversimplification,” Meeches said.  “This is a complex problem with many layers and issues to look at.  Kids have a certain expectation nowadays and there are severe social pressures.  This problem will take a long time and an abundance of money to solve.”

Photo Credit – Eric E. Castro

Notice to readers – Click here to read the full disclaimer, disclosure and other well fleshed out legal statements.  If you are confused about the fictional and satirical nature of the story and website then you may be in trouble on many levels.  This means what you have read is made up, not real, fanciful intended for your delight and entertainment.  The authors of this and other stories find them funny.  We acknowledge others may not find them humourous at all.  You can be guaranteed the creators of the website found the idea for the story funny and perhaps the entire article.  Please give your kid a hug today if your are troubled by the content you have just consumed.  Kids are people too.  Let’s all work together to close the economic gaps in our own homes.  Pay your taxes, walk your dog, feed the fish and stop complaining so much.  Negativity is bad for your health. Long live the Queen.

 

 

Study reveals why kids have tantrums. Parents need more help.

Study Reveals Why Kids Throw Tantrums & Leads To Demands For Government Help To Meet Children’s Every Whim

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Experts discovered the reason why a growing number of small children throw temper tantrums, have hissy fits and meltdowns, especially in public.  The shocking new study reveals the wild, annoying and loud behaviour works on most adults.

“Over the last twenty years we have seen an increase in reports of tantrum-like behaviors in children seven and under,” lead researcher Perry Percival said.  “We wanted to find out why tantrums and incessant whining was on the rise in North America.”

The study involved over ten thousand families from a wide demographic range and the findings were overwhelming.

“In over eighty-eight percent of the cases of tantrums and whining observed, the child was able to exert their own will or obtain the object of their desire,” Percival shared.  “Bottom line is children are increasingly adapting their behavior to get what they want.”

Tantrums are working leaving adults scrambling to stay ahead of the adaptive behavior.

“We had melt-downs every day after daycare,” study participant Joelle Swanson explained.  “Little Tyson would demand a trip to the store or ice cream shop and when I said no he would start screaming.  If I didn’t give in, he would start flailing in his car seat and throw things at me.  I just didn’t have the energy to fight with him.”

Swanson’s story is typical of what many parents and adults go through on a daily basis.  The demands of life, hunger to acquire more things and the need to earn more money to live an enhanced life-style is putting a strain on parents’ physical, emotional and psychological energy.

“The government needs to have a look at our findings,” Percival offered.  “With the problem being so wide-spread maybe we need to offer support systems to help parents meet the needs of their kids before things escalate into tantrums and hissy-fits.  Perhaps if parents were equipped with more time, money and resources it wouldn’t be such a big issue.”

The majority of the families in the study echo Percival’s call on the government.

“I think it is about time we got some level of help,” study participant Judy Wall said.  “It’s not 1980 anymore we can’t just say no to our kids.  It’s not good for anyone if things build and build so kids have freak-outs to get what they want.”

“Some kind of government program or assistance would be great,” parent Jerry Neudorf added.  “Giving us more money and time could help give us the energy we need to pander to our children’s whims 24/7.”

Percival warns that with such widespread tantrums becoming more the norm the impact on society could become catastrophic if something is not done soon.

“We could soon see an entire generations of people who have grown up whining and carrying-on have kids of their own,” Percival warned.  “This could lead to an exponential increase in the amount and effectiveness of the behaviour.”

The study is valid 19 times out of 20 and has a margin of error of less than 5% but lacks in any substantial merit or credibility.  Portage la Prairie has a higher than normal rate of whiny children with researchers pegging the tantrum rate at 98% in Portage children.

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal disclosure.  This story and website are fictional and satirical in nature.  That means they are fictional and satirical.  Made up.  Funny.  We know that children are wonderful and not prone to negative behaviour.  We know that adults would never cave to children’s unrealistic demands unless they had a good reason to.  Our mamas didn’t raise no fools.  Wait, maybe they did.  We are stuck inside this imaginary TV station’s website and can’t get out.  Send money if you like.  We’ll likely buy fried chicken and beer with it but we’d appreciate it.  For a while, but after that we’d become increasingly more demanding as the feeling of entitlement overcomes us.  Long live the Empire of Portage la Prairie.  Vote for Billy Neepawa.

Photo Credit – Jared Smith

Student Says He Won’t Disappoint Teachers & Parents Again This Year

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Hope springs eternal every fall at Portage Middle School for grade 8 student Jacob Narvey.  For the fourth year in a row, Narvey is vowing to improve his effort, attitude and grades from last year’s dismal results.

“Jacob is a wonderful, bright boy,” Jacob’s mother Cathy Narvey said.  “He means well and is looking forward to a fresh start for his last year of middle school.”

Narvey has struggled living up to his potential throughout his elementary and middle school career and places most of the blame at the feet of educators.  A consistent theme on most of his report cards indicate he is not living up to his potential.

“I promise I’ll try really hard this year and get good marks,” Jacob Narvey explained.  “I just don’t think my teachers get me.  If they believed I was as smart as my parents say I am then my marks would show that.”

Both Cathy Narvey and husband Dale agree with Jacob’s assessment.

“We have meetings before school starts every year,” Dale Narvey said.  “We tell the teachers how we expect more from Jacob than we are seeing from his report card.  It seems to work for a month or so and then his marks start dropping and we get calls at home about his behaviour.”

“This year will be different,” Cathy Narvey added.  “Jacob is promising to do his best.”

Anonymous sources at Portage Middle School say they welcome Jacob’s intention to do better but are doubtful it will make much of a difference.

“Jacob’s parents should realize his initial efforts will soon fade and he will return to being disinterested and disruptive,” an unreliable, unidentified source said.  “He’s likely a career C student unless his parents provide some structure at home and even then he’ll top out at B.”

The Narvey’s have a different assessment of the problems.

“There always seems to be so much energy and excitement at the beginning of school each year,” Cathy Narvey said.  “They need to keep that going to keep his attention.”

“They are the educational professionals,” Dale Narvey said.  “They need to make sure he gets his school work done, it shouldn’t be left to us to police.”

“We had a meeting with the principal last year to come up with a plan to make sure Jacob gets to school on time but that didn’t work.  We asked them to make sure he got up early enough and arrived on time but they didn’t follow through and it was left to us.”

Despite the tension between Jacob’s parents and teachers, he is maintaining a positive outlook for the start of school.

“I think if I just stay positive and hope for the best my marks will be great,” Jacob said.  “I’m really looking forward to high school next year.  I hear you can just show up once in a while and still graduate.  I want to make my parents proud.”

School starts tomorrow for Jacob and hundreds of other Portage students.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the true nature of this story and site.  They are satire.  They are fictional.  That means made up, not real.  This is not a news site it is a humour site.  Don’t confuse the too or people will think you are none to bright.

Photo:  Best Buddies Delaware – https://www.flickr.com/photos/bestbuddiesde/

Chuckles Plenty – PP After School Host

PP After School – Host – Chuckles Plenty.  This pathetic, washed-up kid’s entertainer has ripened with bitterness after 12 years in the live entertainment business.  He’s done birthday parties, graduation celebrations, socials, bachelorette parties and pow wows.

Click here to read all about PP After School: PP After School show description.

Photo Above: Garry Knight – https://www.flickr.com/photos/garryknight/

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NEW After School Kids Show

pp after school live logo jpegPP After School is a two-hour extravaganza every weekday on CIPPTV.  Hosted by Chuck “Chuckles” Plenty the kind of creepy clown armed with one camera and one microphone, Kids PP Club will engage kids with vaguely disguised advertisements, products and services from our advertisers packaged with low-end graphics.  Chuckles Plenty will do live to tape cut-ins during family friendly programs between 4pm and 6pm that will entertain and in vigor children 5-11 and be mocked and ridiculed by kids 12-16.  Grandparents will think Chuckles is great because they “just love” the old shows we will be running during that time block.  To be honest this is just another CRTC commitment to local kids programming that we have leveraged into a lucrative promotion.  There won’t be any substance just a weird host filling two minutes a half-hour with blabbering goofiness.

Click here to read Chuck “Chuckles” Plenty’s profile.