PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –
Emergency rooms and doctors are experiencing a spike in the number of nosebleed cases caused by cell phone use combined with digital trauma.
A recent health study found that excessive scrolling on social media causes teens and millennials to probe orifices mindlessly, primarily the nose, with their fingers.
“We are treating increased number of young people for nose bleeds resulting from digital trauma,” survey author Frank Middleton explained. “While on electronic devices they are inserting one or several fingers into their nose to remove mucus. Noses weren’t built for that type of penetration so the lining is being torn and begins to bleed.”
Hungry for the salty and sticky delight of snot, millennials appear to prefer the taste of their own mucus while viewing social media posts.
“There seems to be something about looking at these electronic devices that causes them to pick their noses and eat the snot,” Middleton said. “We’ve seen repeat visits to E.R.’s for bleeds that are prolonged and for resulting infections.”
Digital trauma happens when fingers are inserted into orifices to the point of injury. The nose is particularly prone to injury due to accessibility.
“Generally the nose is the main point of treatment. In some circumstances we have seen digital trauma to other orifices but the cases are rare due to fact they are not as easy to access.”
Health officials warn smart phone users to be mindful of what their free hand and fingers are doing while they scroll and suggest parents warn their children when they see fingers being inserted into nostrils.
“Snot can be a tasty treat but digital trauma has serious long-term health implications,” Middleton said. “It can cause the permanent expansion of the nostrils and rhino structure the can require plastic surgery to correct.”
“If you do have to remove mucus from your nose please use your pinky finger and only wipe the snot from the edge of the nose. Never at any point, insert a finger into your nose past the first knuckle. Instead, blow the snot down with a large breath exhaled through the nostrils. Most of the time this will bring the mucus to the top lip where it can be easily licked up and enjoyed.”
Health studies, as the one above, are accurate 19 times out of 20 and referred by 4 out of 5 doctors. This is like the 20th time and the 5th doctor.
Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and other legal and such details. Basically, this is not real and we want to warn you in case you didn’t pick up on that while reading the above and other articles. It is amazing how some claim to have read the whole article and this disclaimer but still seem to act as if they believe this and other stories are real. If you don’t experience humour while reading these stories then you likely aren’t getting it. If you are mad then you are definitely not getting it. Don’t say we didn’t tell you and don’t bother emailing us about it. You can comment on the bottom of this story. As long as it is not vulgar, we will approve it so everyone else can read what you think. Imagine the whole world on the internet being able to read what you think about this story and website. I bet you are intoxicated by this notion. Well then, go ahead comment and share your insights and wisdom with the world. Remember Bobby Gladstone loves you. Be good to one another and to pick it, lick it and stick it.