OTTAWA, ON – The federal government worked overtime to come up with a new program to cover off the 28 people left in the country who haven’t received any COVID relief money.
The new program is rumoured to be called the Winter Fiesta Fund or the Corona Castaway Benefit and will be available to all 28 remaining working Canadians. It will provide a one-time travel voucher for $2,500.00 to be used to fly to a Mexican destination of your choice in late 2020 or early 2021.
“I’m so relieved I won’t be left out,” Byron Butterfield of Portage la Prairie said. “I’m an average middle-class working person so it’s hard for me to make money off this pandemic. My unemployed friends are making bank and going camping while I’m stuck at work. So far, this sucks.”
Butterfield and the 27 other people in Canada yet to receive a government cheque because of the coronavirus outbreak are happy to learn they haven’t been forgotten.
“My brother-in-law got a raise from his regular job,” Shelly Chartrand of Meadow Lake Saskatchewan said. “Now he’s gone fishing permanently on his CERB money. His boss can’t even convince him to come back right now.”
For many Canadians this is quickly becoming the best summer of all time. For those not playing video games or watching Netflix they are now booking camping spots and filling the tackle box for a season of rest and relaxation.
Unfortunately, the new benefit will not allow claimants to avoid work but it will provide a nice amount for a winter trip to Mexico once the borders re-open.
“It sucks, I still have to go to work right now but this winter when my buddies have to go back at least I’ll be able to kick back in Cancun for a couple weeks,” Butterfield shared.
“It is the very least we could do for the few remaining Canadians who haven’t already been able to suck from the government teat during the pandemic,” Government spokesperson Ilona Phillips offered. “We’re so far in the hole now we figured what the hell is a few winter holidays for some very deserving Canadians.”
So far, the government has spent infinity dollars on COVID-19 relief efforts to keep the economy going while assisting Canadians to enjoy a summer off.
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