WINNIPEG, MB –

Starting next year, teachers in the Prairie Vista School Division will get to use the strap, paddle and spanking to discipline students.  The 1960’s throwback style of punishment will come with a 2018 twist administration believes holds the key to solving behavioural problems.  It will be the parents on the receiving end of the corporal punishments not the children.

“Spanking children has been proven to be highly dangerous to their development,” Prairie Vista School Division Board Chair, Elisa Frost said.  “Recent studies have shown us that spanking and hitting adults is far more effective and has much fewer negative consequences.

New evidence shows disciplining parents is a great motivator to get people more active and involved in their children’s education.

“Outside the helicopter parents most people are disengaged from their kids education,” Frost explained.  “We also grow weary of parents always advocating for the student when there is an issue.  This move will take us back to a time when parents were always on our side.”

With the new policy, students will watch their parents be paddled, strapped or spanked for their misdeeds.  Parents will then be expected to take a much more involved role raising their kids to be active, responsible and respectful citizens in order to avoid further punishment.

“What parents do at home to make sure their kids study, complete assignments, show up for school and behave like humans is up to them but they will deal with the consequences if their efforts fall short.  We just want to provide effective and proper motivation for them to step up.”

Frost also points out that most parents were raised by parents who administered corporal punishment and are well adapted to the physical attacks.

“Most of those adults are already permanently scarred.  Hitting them again will take them back to a time they feared and will spur them on to making sure they want to become the best parents possible.”

Teachers in the division are excited about the new policy and look forward to having an outlet for their frustration.

“It’ll be great to get a few smacks in on some of those parents who are a real pain in the ass,” teacher Mary Wall shared.  “I can’t wait to knock some sense back into some of these families.”

While the plan is controversial, the policy was passed unanimously at a recent School Board meeting.  Most parents and citizens pay little to no attention to school board issues so board members are able to pass whatever they want whenever they feel like it.

“It’s great to live outside of the spotlight when we are dealing with progressive new ideas like this,” Frost admitted.

The study, from which the policy was developed, indicates spanking may not be an effective deterrent to parents who enjoy being spanked.  For those adults, a policy advocating public shaming and/or shunning is being created and could be passed before next school year.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and to find long form legal explanations on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  If you can’t be bothered to click and read the full explanation and haven’t clued in that the story is not real then shame on you but please know this story is not real.  We shouldn’t and can not hit kids anymore.  Adults can be struck more easily but not in this context.  Don’t share this story with your friends on social media as evidence of the world being so messed up it will never be fixed.  The world is actually far more advanced today than ever before and those who believe otherwise have limited knowledge of history or grasp on reality.  That last bit was just the opinion of the author of this disclaimer and does not reflect the beliefs of this fictional television station and the silly website you are reading. Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Jeffery Schwartz