Parents can no longer enjoy the same lifestyle and ability to spend as their children

Parents Can Now Only Dream About Having Their Teen’s Lifestyle & Spending Power

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Forget the Jones’, moms and dads are finding it harder to keep up with the kid’s lifestyles than ever before according to new government stats.

7 out of 10 parents, or 70% of adults with children can no longer afford the lifestyle their kids enjoy.

“We found that the disposable income of working adult parents has not kept up with the spending of their corresponding children,” head statistician Genevieve Meeches said.  “Even kids at home with no jobs are getting to spend more on items like eating out, clothes, entertainment and vacations than their parents.”

The government is promising to look at economic assistance programs and tax breaks to help parents close the wealth gap with their children.

On average, a teen living at home spends $1,232.00 a month on items solely for their own enjoyment and entertainment while the average parent spends $378 on the same things.

“Children are enjoying unprecedented levels of wealth when it comes to disposable income,” Meeches explained.  “Essentially all the money they have they get to spend on themselves while parents have the unfortunate burden of mortgages, car payments, tuition, utilities, credit card bills and repair bills.”

The report shows parents now have to say no to things like eating out, spending money on entertainment and must drive older vehicles just to survive.  Many times parents are forced to save for things their children freely enjoy.

The economic gap between the spending power of teens and their parents is at an all-time high and growing each year.

“If the government doesn’t step in to help parents they may soon never be able to afford the lifestyle so many teens enjoy,” Meeches warned.

“As a parent of three teenagers I have felt the pain of not being able to do the things I see my kids do every week,” Portage la Prairie parent Jules Vernon explained.  “We just can’t go to all the parties, concerts and wear the latest clothes anymore.  It does hurt that we see our kids be able to do these things while we can’t. ”

“It’s not fair at all,” Portager Peter Rasmussen offered.  “People living under the same roof shouldn’t have to endure such wealth disparity.  It’s time the government did something to correct this.”

“I wish I had it as good as my kids,” mother of two, Tracy Bergson said.  “I work 60 hours a week and get to spend about fifty bucks on myself.  My kids go to school when they feel like it and spend about 250 dollars a week on food and video games.”

Parents in Portage la Prairie are considering staging protests to raise awareness.  A march and sit in will call on all levels of government to act to close the gap.

“Some might say the parents have caused the problem themselves by giving their children so much without expecting them to earn money themselves but that would be an oversimplification,” Meeches said.  “This is a complex problem with many layers and issues to look at.  Kids have a certain expectation nowadays and there are severe social pressures.  This problem will take a long time and an abundance of money to solve.”

Photo Credit – Eric E. Castro

Notice to readers – Click here to read the full disclaimer, disclosure and other well fleshed out legal statements.  If you are confused about the fictional and satirical nature of the story and website then you may be in trouble on many levels.  This means what you have read is made up, not real, fanciful intended for your delight and entertainment.  The authors of this and other stories find them funny.  We acknowledge others may not find them humourous at all.  You can be guaranteed the creators of the website found the idea for the story funny and perhaps the entire article.  Please give your kid a hug today if your are troubled by the content you have just consumed.  Kids are people too.  Let’s all work together to close the economic gaps in our own homes.  Pay your taxes, walk your dog, feed the fish and stop complaining so much.  Negativity is bad for your health. Long live the Queen.

 

 

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School board approves new policy to bring back spanking, paddling and the strap to punish students

School Board Policy Brings Back Paddling & Spanking

WINNIPEG, MB –

Starting next year, teachers in the Prairie Vista School Division will get to use the strap, paddle and spanking to discipline students.  The 1960’s throwback style of punishment will come with a 2018 twist administration believes holds the key to solving behavioural problems.  It will be the parents on the receiving end of the corporal punishments not the children.

“Spanking children has been proven to be highly dangerous to their development,” Prairie Vista School Division Board Chair, Elisa Frost said.  “Recent studies have shown us that spanking and hitting adults is far more effective and has much fewer negative consequences.

New evidence shows disciplining parents is a great motivator to get people more active and involved in their children’s education.

“Outside the helicopter parents most people are disengaged from their kids education,” Frost explained.  “We also grow weary of parents always advocating for the student when there is an issue.  This move will take us back to a time when parents were always on our side.”

With the new policy, students will watch their parents be paddled, strapped or spanked for their misdeeds.  Parents will then be expected to take a much more involved role raising their kids to be active, responsible and respectful citizens in order to avoid further punishment.

“What parents do at home to make sure their kids study, complete assignments, show up for school and behave like humans is up to them but they will deal with the consequences if their efforts fall short.  We just want to provide effective and proper motivation for them to step up.”

Frost also points out that most parents were raised by parents who administered corporal punishment and are well adapted to the physical attacks.

“Most of those adults are already permanently scarred.  Hitting them again will take them back to a time they feared and will spur them on to making sure they want to become the best parents possible.”

Teachers in the division are excited about the new policy and look forward to having an outlet for their frustration.

“It’ll be great to get a few smacks in on some of those parents who are a real pain in the ass,” teacher Mary Wall shared.  “I can’t wait to knock some sense back into some of these families.”

While the plan is controversial, the policy was passed unanimously at a recent School Board meeting.  Most parents and citizens pay little to no attention to school board issues so board members are able to pass whatever they want whenever they feel like it.

“It’s great to live outside of the spotlight when we are dealing with progressive new ideas like this,” Frost admitted.

The study, from which the policy was developed, indicates spanking may not be an effective deterrent to parents who enjoy being spanked.  For those adults, a policy advocating public shaming and/or shunning is being created and could be passed before next school year.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and to find long form legal explanations on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  If you can’t be bothered to click and read the full explanation and haven’t clued in that the story is not real then shame on you but please know this story is not real.  We shouldn’t and can not hit kids anymore.  Adults can be struck more easily but not in this context.  Don’t share this story with your friends on social media as evidence of the world being so messed up it will never be fixed.  The world is actually far more advanced today than ever before and those who believe otherwise have limited knowledge of history or grasp on reality.  That last bit was just the opinion of the author of this disclaimer and does not reflect the beliefs of this fictional television station and the silly website you are reading. Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Jeffery Schwartz

Man Hopes Wife’s “Sexier” Clothes & Free Swag Will Get Kid On Hockey Team

Portage la Prairie, MB –

SPECIAL REPORT: for “Get The Puck Out” Saturdays at 5:30pm on CIPP-TV Channel 116

Hockey try-out season is well under way and a local dad has come up with what he believes is a sure-fire plan to help his kid make it this year.

After missing the final cuts the last two years, Jerry Nelson is determined to see his son Tyler make the triple A team this year.

“I know that Ty is a bubble player so I’ll have to do what it takes this year,” Jerry Nelson said.  “I’ve learned what goes into the coaches final picks so we’ll be prepared this year.”

Nelson has informed the coaching staff about the team swag he has ordered and plans on donating if his kid is selected.

“I’ve got hats, hoodies, jackets, toques, hockey bags, skate guards and back packs with team logos all on order,” Nelson offered.  “The coaches and parents of the top kids know I’ll donate all of it once Ty makes the team.”

The hockey dad is not limiting his lobbying efforts to the other players and has solicited his wife’s help in getting Tyler on the team.  The move to send his wife for a makeover and buy her a new wardrobe of “sexier” clothes is drawing criticism from many.

“We all know coaches pick bubble kids based on how hot the mom is,” Nelson explained.  “Irene was fine with getting a make-over and wearing sexier clothes around the rink if it helps Ty make the team.”

Nelson is not stopping at bribing the team and objectifying his wife.  He plans to pay-off coaches to get his son on the team.

“Let’s just say I let the coaches know that my company will sponsor the team in special ways.  We will cover all their hotel rooms and make sure they get some gift cards to their favorite restaurants every week,” Nelson explained.

When contacted, the coaching staff declined to comment on the record whether Mr. Nelson’s efforts would gain Tyler a spot on the team.  An anonymous source close to the team indicated the coaching staff has noticed Mrs. Nelson’s new clothes and makeover.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read more about this story and website being fictional and satirical.  This is not real.  It is also not fake news intended to trick anyone.  It is humour intended to entertain.  Read, share and enjoy responsibly.

Photo: Jamin Gray – https://www.flickr.com/photos/jamingray/

Student Says He Won’t Disappoint Teachers & Parents Again This Year

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Hope springs eternal every fall at Portage Middle School for grade 8 student Jacob Narvey.  For the fourth year in a row, Narvey is vowing to improve his effort, attitude and grades from last year’s dismal results.

“Jacob is a wonderful, bright boy,” Jacob’s mother Cathy Narvey said.  “He means well and is looking forward to a fresh start for his last year of middle school.”

Narvey has struggled living up to his potential throughout his elementary and middle school career and places most of the blame at the feet of educators.  A consistent theme on most of his report cards indicate he is not living up to his potential.

“I promise I’ll try really hard this year and get good marks,” Jacob Narvey explained.  “I just don’t think my teachers get me.  If they believed I was as smart as my parents say I am then my marks would show that.”

Both Cathy Narvey and husband Dale agree with Jacob’s assessment.

“We have meetings before school starts every year,” Dale Narvey said.  “We tell the teachers how we expect more from Jacob than we are seeing from his report card.  It seems to work for a month or so and then his marks start dropping and we get calls at home about his behaviour.”

“This year will be different,” Cathy Narvey added.  “Jacob is promising to do his best.”

Anonymous sources at Portage Middle School say they welcome Jacob’s intention to do better but are doubtful it will make much of a difference.

“Jacob’s parents should realize his initial efforts will soon fade and he will return to being disinterested and disruptive,” an unreliable, unidentified source said.  “He’s likely a career C student unless his parents provide some structure at home and even then he’ll top out at B.”

The Narvey’s have a different assessment of the problems.

“There always seems to be so much energy and excitement at the beginning of school each year,” Cathy Narvey said.  “They need to keep that going to keep his attention.”

“They are the educational professionals,” Dale Narvey said.  “They need to make sure he gets his school work done, it shouldn’t be left to us to police.”

“We had a meeting with the principal last year to come up with a plan to make sure Jacob gets to school on time but that didn’t work.  We asked them to make sure he got up early enough and arrived on time but they didn’t follow through and it was left to us.”

Despite the tension between Jacob’s parents and teachers, he is maintaining a positive outlook for the start of school.

“I think if I just stay positive and hope for the best my marks will be great,” Jacob said.  “I’m really looking forward to high school next year.  I hear you can just show up once in a while and still graduate.  I want to make my parents proud.”

School starts tomorrow for Jacob and hundreds of other Portage students.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the true nature of this story and site.  They are satire.  They are fictional.  That means made up, not real.  This is not a news site it is a humour site.  Don’t confuse the too or people will think you are none to bright.

Photo:  Best Buddies Delaware – https://www.flickr.com/photos/bestbuddiesde/

Graduation Causes Parents to Notice Daughter is Less Impressive Over Time

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Local parents Julianne and Marvin Dueck find themselves disappointed with the graduation of their oldest daughter Alyssa this Friday from Portage High.  The couple was hoping for a much greater sense of satisfaction from their child’s accomplishments.

“When Lyssie was younger, she did so well in school and sports,” Julianne Dueck said.  “Her teachers and coaches were always handing out awards for everything she did.”

“A week wouldn’t go by without her getting some sort of accolade,” Marvin Dueck explained.  “Some of the awards didn’t seem like they were for doing anything but we liked getting them.  It gave the grandparents so much to brag about.”

As Alyssa Dueck moved from middle school to high school the number of trophies, medals and certificates dropped dramatically.  She no longer was a stand out in the classroom or on her sports teams.  By the time she reached grade 12 she was just a slightly above average honour role student leaving her, her parents and grandparents asking what happened to the promising young lady.

“I blame the high school,” said Mr. Dueck.  “She was winning all kinds of sports awards and was a straight A student until high school.”

Portage High Principal Gregory Roberts explains the school’s perspective on the problem.  “A lot of students and parents come here with high, and sometimes unrealistic, expectations,” Roberts said.  “I’ve seen it take a toll on many parents and grand parents.  Little Jenny or Johnny isn’t the brightest star or the biggest fish anymore, they are just normal students.”

The Duecks blame a lack of developmental opportunities for their daughter rather than an increase in competition for the lack of recognition Alyssa experienced.

“She’ll be graduating this Friday with a couple of bursaries and making the honour roll but gone are the endless awards she used to get for being the best,” Mrs. Dueck lamented.  “Why should only the very best athletes and students get all the awards?  What about my kid?”

“I wouldn’t say that high school is a complete meritocracy.  We still do a lot of hand holding and nose wiping to get kids through but we do keep the awards for the top performers,” Principal Roberts said.  “We are trying to have students prepared at least a little bit for real life.  Most adults don’t get awards and ribbons for just showing up and being slightly above average.  It’s not kiddie play time anymore.”

The Duecks are considering their options for Friday’s graduation ceremony.  “I think we’ll just end up taking a couple of photos and exaggerating what her awards were for on Facebook.  Grandma and Grandpa won’t know the difference anyway.  As long as they think she was the best that’s good enough,” Mr. Dueck said.

photo: Jason Meredith: https://www.flickr.com/photos/merfam/

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