School board approves new policy to bring back spanking, paddling and the strap to punish students

School Board Policy Brings Back Paddling & Spanking

WINNIPEG, MB –

Starting next year, teachers in the Prairie Vista School Division will get to use the strap, paddle and spanking to discipline students.  The 1960’s throwback style of punishment will come with a 2018 twist administration believes holds the key to solving behavioural problems.  It will be the parents on the receiving end of the corporal punishments not the children.

“Spanking children has been proven to be highly dangerous to their development,” Prairie Vista School Division Board Chair, Elisa Frost said.  “Recent studies have shown us that spanking and hitting adults is far more effective and has much fewer negative consequences.

New evidence shows disciplining parents is a great motivator to get people more active and involved in their children’s education.

“Outside the helicopter parents most people are disengaged from their kids education,” Frost explained.  “We also grow weary of parents always advocating for the student when there is an issue.  This move will take us back to a time when parents were always on our side.”

With the new policy, students will watch their parents be paddled, strapped or spanked for their misdeeds.  Parents will then be expected to take a much more involved role raising their kids to be active, responsible and respectful citizens in order to avoid further punishment.

“What parents do at home to make sure their kids study, complete assignments, show up for school and behave like humans is up to them but they will deal with the consequences if their efforts fall short.  We just want to provide effective and proper motivation for them to step up.”

Frost also points out that most parents were raised by parents who administered corporal punishment and are well adapted to the physical attacks.

“Most of those adults are already permanently scarred.  Hitting them again will take them back to a time they feared and will spur them on to making sure they want to become the best parents possible.”

Teachers in the division are excited about the new policy and look forward to having an outlet for their frustration.

“It’ll be great to get a few smacks in on some of those parents who are a real pain in the ass,” teacher Mary Wall shared.  “I can’t wait to knock some sense back into some of these families.”

While the plan is controversial, the policy was passed unanimously at a recent School Board meeting.  Most parents and citizens pay little to no attention to school board issues so board members are able to pass whatever they want whenever they feel like it.

“It’s great to live outside of the spotlight when we are dealing with progressive new ideas like this,” Frost admitted.

The study, from which the policy was developed, indicates spanking may not be an effective deterrent to parents who enjoy being spanked.  For those adults, a policy advocating public shaming and/or shunning is being created and could be passed before next school year.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and to find long form legal explanations on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  If you can’t be bothered to click and read the full explanation and haven’t clued in that the story is not real then shame on you but please know this story is not real.  We shouldn’t and can not hit kids anymore.  Adults can be struck more easily but not in this context.  Don’t share this story with your friends on social media as evidence of the world being so messed up it will never be fixed.  The world is actually far more advanced today than ever before and those who believe otherwise have limited knowledge of history or grasp on reality.  That last bit was just the opinion of the author of this disclaimer and does not reflect the beliefs of this fictional television station and the silly website you are reading. Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Jeffery Schwartz

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Woman's average family leave her little to brag about on social media desperate, she turns to cults, cats, volunteering and possible local politics for validation.

Social Media Desperation Forces Local Woman To Consider Joining Cult Or Posting Cat Photos For Validation

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Esther Waldheim is waving the white flag of surrender in a social media arms race she no longer has the weapons to compete.

“My kids are all grown up now,” Waldheim admitted.  “Ones doing slightly below average in College while the other has a boring middle-management job.  They give me no sense of pride or identity.  And sadly, they provide me nothing to post.”

The 58 year-old mother of two sons, Eric and Jared, says she has struggled with social media induced anxiety and depression since her children graduated and became adults.

“When they were young, I’d post things about how great they were doing at school all the time.  And when their grades weren’t good I always had their sports to brag about.  But now, I’ve got nothing.”

Waldheim’s friends and relatives still find a steady stream of items to boast about on social media ranging from their husband’s career accomplishments to new grandchildren but Waldheim has been left with little to share online.

“My husband’s job is nothing and I hate mine,” Waldheim bemoaned.  “I’ve gotten so low I’m putting up pictures of my cats.  Pretty soon I’ll have to start sharing religious memes and funny YouTube videos if my kids don’t get their lives together.”

The life-long and downtrodden Portager longs for the time when her children still had potential and laments how they turned out to be boring, average adults.

“I hope they get married and have kids soon,” Waldheim offered.  “I can’t take this for much longer.  Everyone else’s timeline is so much better than mine.  Why did I get stuck with an average family?”

Waldheim is so desperate to find meaning and fulfillment she is considering volunteering at the local soup kitchen or joining a cult.

“I need some kind of validation in my life.  My husband and kids aren’t providing much in the way of support so I might have to go elsewhere to find some kind of justification to live.”

She considered getting into municipal or school board politics but felt, “I’m not quite that desperate for attention and abuse yet.  I’ll try the cult thing first.  If it doesn’t work out I’ll think about running in the fall election.”

Notice to reader/disclaimer – click here to read about the satirical and fictional reality of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  It is imaginary, like CIPP-TV and most of my friends and some of yours.  Please read and share and participate in the joke by playing along but do not try to fool people into thinking this is real.  That is not nice and people will grow to resent you if you do that very often.

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