Math crisis grips portage la prairie kids getting hooked on math in school.

Math Crisis Grips City With Kids As Young As 6 Getting Hooked In School

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Portage police are throwing all available resources at solving the city’s math crisis that has seen children as young as six years old get hooked on math in school.

“We are seeing numbers and numeracy being the gateway in full-blown math addiction,” police spokesperson Peter Froman said.  “Teens in high school seem to the hardest hit with reports of math addiction leading to students experimenting with calculus and accounting.”

Civic leaders don’t recall ever seeing math use this severe.  Reports indicate teenagers and young adults, especially recent graduates being able to make change at local retail establishments without the use of a cash register or calculator.

“We had a young twenty-something couple come in to get a mortgage for their first home and the wife was able to calculate the monthly interest and payment before I could print it out,” First Bank of Portage Manager June Grantham said.

Restaurants around town claim young patrons are having fun figuring out 15% to 20% tips to the penny when they go to pay.

The Portage surge in math use is bucking national and international trends that have seen children and all people get out of math use by deferring to digital devices.

“We are very concerned and believe there is a significant risk to public safety,” Froman said.  “We don’t think there will be enough jobs for all the math addicts in Portage.  Banks, accounting firms, research facilities and even retail outlets are being targeted by the math addicts in order to get their fix.”

Police are taking steps to clamp down on math suppliers and dealers in hopes of stemming the tide of math addiction.

“School math teachers are just the low-level dealers but we have to get them away from the kids,” Froman shared.  “At the same time we are using informants and surveillance to  flush out and identify the math overlords, the dreaded accountants and actuaries.”

It is widely believed the accountants and their book-keeping minions are intentionally targeting the youth of Portage in hopes of getting them hooked on math.  Police say the accountants, lead by actuaries, funnel the math to the teachers who are in turn getting the kids hooked as early as kindergarten.

“Parents need to be vigilant,” Froman warned.  “This math dealers may call themselves teachers but they are out to get your kids trying numbers and basic math in hopes of getting them addicted.”

School officials estimate the rate of math addiction might be as high as 80% in Portage la Prairie as evidenced by an improved performance on standardized provincial testing showing Portage to be at the top when it comes to math ability.

“We have set up a math hotline and are asking all citizens to report any suspicious math activity,” Froman said.  “One of the earliest signs in children is the sudden and unexplained ability to understand fractions and figure out percentages.”

Many parents today are unfamiliar with math and its affects.  A special seminar will be held at the community centre on Saturday to help parents learn what to look for and what they can do to stop the spread of the math addiciton.

“We will explain to parents how to get kids interested in things like video games, watching television and smoking marijuana as they have been proven to thwart the spread of math,” Froman said.

Provincial and federal officials are watching closely to see how Portage la Prairie handles the crisis to gleen some best practises to help with outbreaks in other communities.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation.  In case you didn’t get it, this story is fictional, satirical and slightly humourous in places.  It is not fake news or news at all, it is just plain silly.  Most people in Portage are well aware we do not have a problem with young people being interested in math at all.  You can safely go into any retail establishment and be confident the person working the counter will not be able to do calcualations without digital help.  Portage la Prairie is a safe community with little to no math problems present.  You can walk the streets most days and never encounter anyone capable of advanced math not to mention basic math skills. We know a few guzintas but thats about it.  Have a nice day.

Photo Credit – Bryan Alexander

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School board approves new policy to bring back spanking, paddling and the strap to punish students

School Board Policy Brings Back Paddling & Spanking

WINNIPEG, MB –

Starting next year, teachers in the Prairie Vista School Division will get to use the strap, paddle and spanking to discipline students.  The 1960’s throwback style of punishment will come with a 2018 twist administration believes holds the key to solving behavioural problems.  It will be the parents on the receiving end of the corporal punishments not the children.

“Spanking children has been proven to be highly dangerous to their development,” Prairie Vista School Division Board Chair, Elisa Frost said.  “Recent studies have shown us that spanking and hitting adults is far more effective and has much fewer negative consequences.

New evidence shows disciplining parents is a great motivator to get people more active and involved in their children’s education.

“Outside the helicopter parents most people are disengaged from their kids education,” Frost explained.  “We also grow weary of parents always advocating for the student when there is an issue.  This move will take us back to a time when parents were always on our side.”

With the new policy, students will watch their parents be paddled, strapped or spanked for their misdeeds.  Parents will then be expected to take a much more involved role raising their kids to be active, responsible and respectful citizens in order to avoid further punishment.

“What parents do at home to make sure their kids study, complete assignments, show up for school and behave like humans is up to them but they will deal with the consequences if their efforts fall short.  We just want to provide effective and proper motivation for them to step up.”

Frost also points out that most parents were raised by parents who administered corporal punishment and are well adapted to the physical attacks.

“Most of those adults are already permanently scarred.  Hitting them again will take them back to a time they feared and will spur them on to making sure they want to become the best parents possible.”

Teachers in the division are excited about the new policy and look forward to having an outlet for their frustration.

“It’ll be great to get a few smacks in on some of those parents who are a real pain in the ass,” teacher Mary Wall shared.  “I can’t wait to knock some sense back into some of these families.”

While the plan is controversial, the policy was passed unanimously at a recent School Board meeting.  Most parents and citizens pay little to no attention to school board issues so board members are able to pass whatever they want whenever they feel like it.

“It’s great to live outside of the spotlight when we are dealing with progressive new ideas like this,” Frost admitted.

The study, from which the policy was developed, indicates spanking may not be an effective deterrent to parents who enjoy being spanked.  For those adults, a policy advocating public shaming and/or shunning is being created and could be passed before next school year.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and to find long form legal explanations on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  If you can’t be bothered to click and read the full explanation and haven’t clued in that the story is not real then shame on you but please know this story is not real.  We shouldn’t and can not hit kids anymore.  Adults can be struck more easily but not in this context.  Don’t share this story with your friends on social media as evidence of the world being so messed up it will never be fixed.  The world is actually far more advanced today than ever before and those who believe otherwise have limited knowledge of history or grasp on reality.  That last bit was just the opinion of the author of this disclaimer and does not reflect the beliefs of this fictional television station and the silly website you are reading. Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Jeffery Schwartz

Student Says He Won’t Disappoint Teachers & Parents Again This Year

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Hope springs eternal every fall at Portage Middle School for grade 8 student Jacob Narvey.  For the fourth year in a row, Narvey is vowing to improve his effort, attitude and grades from last year’s dismal results.

“Jacob is a wonderful, bright boy,” Jacob’s mother Cathy Narvey said.  “He means well and is looking forward to a fresh start for his last year of middle school.”

Narvey has struggled living up to his potential throughout his elementary and middle school career and places most of the blame at the feet of educators.  A consistent theme on most of his report cards indicate he is not living up to his potential.

“I promise I’ll try really hard this year and get good marks,” Jacob Narvey explained.  “I just don’t think my teachers get me.  If they believed I was as smart as my parents say I am then my marks would show that.”

Both Cathy Narvey and husband Dale agree with Jacob’s assessment.

“We have meetings before school starts every year,” Dale Narvey said.  “We tell the teachers how we expect more from Jacob than we are seeing from his report card.  It seems to work for a month or so and then his marks start dropping and we get calls at home about his behaviour.”

“This year will be different,” Cathy Narvey added.  “Jacob is promising to do his best.”

Anonymous sources at Portage Middle School say they welcome Jacob’s intention to do better but are doubtful it will make much of a difference.

“Jacob’s parents should realize his initial efforts will soon fade and he will return to being disinterested and disruptive,” an unreliable, unidentified source said.  “He’s likely a career C student unless his parents provide some structure at home and even then he’ll top out at B.”

The Narvey’s have a different assessment of the problems.

“There always seems to be so much energy and excitement at the beginning of school each year,” Cathy Narvey said.  “They need to keep that going to keep his attention.”

“They are the educational professionals,” Dale Narvey said.  “They need to make sure he gets his school work done, it shouldn’t be left to us to police.”

“We had a meeting with the principal last year to come up with a plan to make sure Jacob gets to school on time but that didn’t work.  We asked them to make sure he got up early enough and arrived on time but they didn’t follow through and it was left to us.”

Despite the tension between Jacob’s parents and teachers, he is maintaining a positive outlook for the start of school.

“I think if I just stay positive and hope for the best my marks will be great,” Jacob said.  “I’m really looking forward to high school next year.  I hear you can just show up once in a while and still graduate.  I want to make my parents proud.”

School starts tomorrow for Jacob and hundreds of other Portage students.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the true nature of this story and site.  They are satire.  They are fictional.  That means made up, not real.  This is not a news site it is a humour site.  Don’t confuse the too or people will think you are none to bright.

Photo:  Best Buddies Delaware – https://www.flickr.com/photos/bestbuddiesde/