Toronto, ON –
The phrase, “there ain’t no cure for stupid,” will be no more, once a Portager completes the first large-scale human trial in his hometown.
Lead by a native of Portage la Prairie, scientists at a Toronto university have developed what they are describing as a cure for stupidity.
Steve Sanderson grew up in Portage’s north end and was educated at LaVerendrye School and Portage Collegiate Institute. It was in the late 1970’s, while going to school, he first noticed the widespread problems associated with stupidity.
“In grade school I watched my friends do crazy things like jump off the top of the monkey bars, jump ditches with our bikes, shoot each other with BB guns, and lick poles when it was thirty below,” Sanderson said. “One time my friend shot a cop’s son with a BB gun. There was just so much stupidity and no one seemed to have an answer for it – certainly not any of our teachers.”
“We are going to do our initial human trial in Portage later this year,” Sanderson said. “There is a wealth of options for us. To start, we are going to conduct a study on students, fast-food customers and we’ll also experiment on a couple Facebook buy and sell groups to see if we can move the needle on the volume of stupidity in these arenas.”
The treatment is top-secret and combines mind-altering medication, hypnosis with cognitive behavioural therapy and subliminal messaging. Genome sequencing along with MRI mapping of the brain have allowed scientist to pinpoint the source of stupidity and, in turn, come up with new therapies to relieve it.
“Imagine the difference this kind of treatment would make in a place like Portage and places like it around the world,” Sanderson said. “The social and economic benefit would be game changing.”
Governments at all levels are interested in acquiring the treatment as soon as approval for general use is granted. Sanderson’s company, VISUAlies, plans on auctioning off the rollout of the radical new therapy and early leaders in the bidding are Swift Current, Saskatchewan, Thunder Bay, Ontario and Bonnyville Alberta. These communities are desperate to solve their stupidity crisis.
To track the effectiveness, VISUAlies will work closely with educators and counsellors as well as track social media posts, comments and photos. The researchers will also study to shrinking gender gap in stupidity. At one time men vastly outdistanced women but females are quickly closing the gap.
“The key indicator of stupidity seems to be what people do on social media,” Sanderson offered. “We will monitor all social media and measure to see if there is a reduction. In previous smaller test we saw almost an immediate drop in the number of nude selfies, angry drama and complaints on social media.”
If successful, the clinical trial could make Portage la Prairie one of the least stupid municipalities in the country.
Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being a fictional/satirical story. For those who do not understand the previous sentence – it is not real. It’s a joke.