Trees With Naughty Knots To Be Covered

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Nature is a little to naughty, according to a group of concerned Portage parents.  Children walking to and from school are being exposed to formations on trees in the shape of female and male genitalia.

The over-sexualized trees are the target of the group of mothers led by Tara Bellamy.  “We asked the city to cut down the offensive trees,” Bellamy said.  “They won’t so, now we are asking the offensive parts to be covered.”

Recently, several social media posts had to be deleted because they included smart-phone photos of tree knots that were tagged with teachers names – implying the knots where images of the educator’s private parts.

Censoring mother nature wont be easy.  Options to hide the phallic parts of the trees while keeping a natural look are limited.  Tree pants were considered but the implementation of the plan proved too expensive.

“We will be looking at a grass skirt type of covering on most trees in question,” city operations spokesperson Brian Siemens said.  “We know the vagina-like knots and penis shaped branches in the trees are distracting the kids and embarrassing the parents but our attempts to hide them may draw more attention to them.”

How to secure the skirts so they don’t lift in the wind is the biggest problem.  City engineers are working on solutions but the windy climate poses a substantial challenge.  A solution will be in place before the school year begins in September.

Bellamy hopes to have this issue dealt with so she and her group can go back to tackling the ongoing problem of kids drawing penis shapes on dirty vehicles and in fresh snow.  To solve that problem she is putting together a petition to have curfews in place during snow events and mandatory car washing.

We will have further developments on this story as they become available.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the satirical reality of this fictional story and website.  Please read with caution.

6 thoughts on “Trees With Naughty Knots To Be Covered

  1. Do not cut these trees down paint art on them if anything beauty is in the eyes of the beholder are people so sick these days all they think of is sexual things god creates beauty it’s what man makes of it it’s just sad it’s there warped thinking that turns something beautiful into something sexual makes you wonder where there minds are at 🙏🏼


  2. The problem is not with the trees. Bellamy should leave being childish to the children, which is the underlying cause… Both of her efforts are exercises in futility and a waste of time and money.


  3. Frankly, I forsee this problem getting quite complicated. How on earth are we to determine what to do about gay and lesbian trees? And what gender garb do we dress our transgender trees in? How do we even know which gender they identify as. Is anyone talking to the Tree Council? I hope these Moms realize what a can of worms they’ve opened now!


  4. Wow, I never looked at trees this way & now this article – will I ever get this out of my head? Surprised parents don’t eliminate their own & their kid’s belly buttons. Those are rather obscene too if you want to go that far. Imagine if the doctor who delivered your kids refused to do it because you looked obscene down there. Yeah, not everyone thinks the way parents do.


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