Bitcoin deposit discovered in Portage la Prairie, Manitoba Open-pit Bitcoin mine to be set up

Discovery of Bitcoin Deposit In Portage la Prairie Leads To Creation Of First Open-Pit Bitcoin Mine

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

An unprecedented economic boon is about to hit Portage la Prairie with the recent discovery of Bitcoins in the fertile plains of Manitoba.

Bitcoin prospectors made the discovery after initial internet research led them to believe large deposits of the cryptocurrency might exist here.

“After initial probing in the Portage area we were led to a site we believe holds the largest deposit of Bitcoins to date in the world,” Bitcoin prospector Percy Todd said.  “We plan to start extracting coin from the mine in less than three months.

The world’s first open-pit Bitcoin mine will be set up at the sight of the Portage la Prairie Mall in the west end of Portage.  Portage’s premiere political leader Murphy Braun attended the announcement today and was thrilled at the news.

“Economic development is the most important thing there is,” Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun said.  “Bitcoin is the new diamond, even more valuable than that.  We have more Bitcoin available in Portage la Prairie than anywhere else.  This means we should all become richer.  The owners will become by far the richest but we will see a trickle down to even the lowliest Portager.”

The open-pit mine concept was encouraged by local civic leaders since it is uglier, less environmentally friendly and more suited to the community ethos.  Most existing Bitcoin mines use computers housed inside to form the block chain needed for the cryptocurrency but rather than use the available empty space in the Portage Mall developers will dig a two hundred foot pit on the site of the former retail hub.

“We are going to work with some brilliant computer geniuses and make Portage la Prairie the first municipality to adopt Bitcoin as it’s currency,” Braun shared.  “Virtual money is all the rage nowadays and we need to keep up with the times and be a leader in e-moneys and things.  I just got on Facebook, Tweeter and Instagram last year and everyone loves it.”

Local officials were not able to fully explain how a deposit of a currency that doesn’t exist in the physical realm was found in Portage or how it was going to be mined with a bunch of computers but they trust what the company proposing the mine said.

“We committed 5 million from each of the three level of governments,” Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun explained.  “This will be in the form of a donation with no conditions or expectations.  We know how to spark economic development and this opportunity will make Portage a world leader is something new, exciting and technical.”

C.I.P.P. – TV polled Portagers and found that most of them had heard of Bitcoin and were excited that the owners of a business who live somewhere else will be getting extremely wealthy by digging a giant pit where the Portage Mall is.

“It’s good for the town,” Lorne Perkins said.  “These will be good mining jobs.  Probably union jobs, with pensions.  That’s what Portage needs.

Other Portagers were excited for the high-tech jobs they don’t really understand.

“With this big hole of computers out at the Portage Mall there will be lots of computer jobs and that should keep the young folk from leaving,” Myrtle Rose said.  “My son and granddaughter are good with computers.  They can email and all that so maybe they’ll move back to Portage.”

Conservative estimates provided by the development company indicate 2-4 trillion dollars worth of Bitcoin deposits available at the Portage site.

“We could see anywhere from two to three hundred thousand dollars a year come back into Portage for the life of the mine,” Braun said.  “They already said they would sponsor a playground in the North End so we know they will be great corporate citizens.”

Due to the highly suspect nature and dubious life-span of the Bitcoin currency the mine will break ground within weeks in order to try to cash in before the cryptocurrency crashes.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer, explanation and various other legal documentation.  This story is merely fictional and satirical in nature.  It is not real.  It was made up.  This entire website is made up in a similar way.  You may find some things, places and public figures that are real but they are presented in a fictional story.  As for Bitcoin, it is real, well we’re not actually sure we could prove it but we’re told it’s real and a lot of people are buying it so it must be real.

Photo credit – Zach Copley

Advertisements

Former Portager Finds Cure For “Stupid” Plans Human Trials In His Hometown

Toronto, ON – 

The phrase, “there ain’t no cure for stupid,” will be no more, once a Portager completes the first large-scale human trial in his hometown.

Lead by a native of Portage la Prairie, scientists at a Toronto university have developed what they are describing as a cure for stupidity.

Steve Sanderson grew up in Portage’s north end and was educated at LaVerendrye School and Portage Collegiate Institute.  It was in the late 1970’s, while going to school, he first noticed the widespread problems associated with stupidity.

“In grade school I watched my friends do crazy things like jump off the top of the monkey bars, jump ditches with our bikes, shoot each other with BB guns, and lick poles when it was thirty below,” Sanderson said.  “One time my friend shot a cop’s son with a BB gun.  There was just so much stupidity and no one seemed to have an answer for it – certainly not any of our teachers.”

“We are going to do our initial human trial in Portage later this year,” Sanderson said.  “There is a wealth of options for us.  To start, we are going to conduct a study on students, fast-food customers and we’ll also experiment on a couple Facebook buy and sell groups to see if we can move the needle on the volume of stupidity in these arenas.”

The treatment is top-secret and combines mind-altering medication, hypnosis with cognitive behavioural therapy and subliminal messaging.  Genome sequencing along with MRI mapping of the brain have allowed scientist to pinpoint the source of stupidity and, in turn, come up with new therapies to relieve it.

“Imagine the difference this kind of treatment would make in a place like Portage and places like it around the world,” Sanderson said.  “The social and economic benefit would be game changing.”

Governments at all levels are interested in acquiring the treatment as soon as approval for general use is granted.  Sanderson’s company, VISUAlies, plans on auctioning off the rollout of the radical new therapy and early leaders in the bidding are Swift Current, Saskatchewan, Thunder Bay, Ontario and Bonnyville Alberta.  These communities are desperate to solve their stupidity crisis.

To track the effectiveness, VISUAlies will work closely with educators and counsellors as well as track social media posts, comments and photos.  The researchers will also study to shrinking gender gap in stupidity.  At one time men vastly outdistanced women but females are quickly closing the gap.

“The key indicator of stupidity seems to be what people do on social media,” Sanderson offered.  “We will monitor all social media and measure to see if there is a reduction.  In previous smaller test we saw almost an immediate drop in the number of nude selfies, angry drama and complaints on social media.”

If successful, the clinical trial could make Portage la Prairie one of the least stupid municipalities in the country.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being a fictional/satirical story.  For those who do not understand the previous sentence – it is not real.  It’s a joke.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the satirical, fictional and ridiculous nature of this story, other stories and in fact the entire site.

Photo: Stephen Edmonds – https://www.flickr.com/photos/popcorncx/