Hockey fans make players better by yelling at them

Winnipeg Fans’ Yelling, Opinions & Knowledge Help Jets Win

Winnipeg, MB –

It turns out yelling at your favourite team can make them play better.  At least, the Winnipeg Jets are admitting comments and advice offered by fans has made a huge difference for them this year.

“We don’t like to admit it but all that yelling during games and opinions on call in shows and social media really help the us play better,” team player spokesperson Evan Watson said.

Jet players admit that hearing fans yell “shoot”, “hit ‘em”, “pass the puck” and “skate” allow them make immediate improvements to their game allowing them to post an excellent record this year.

“I had no idea how good my shot was until I heard a fan tell me to shoot the puck during my first game as a Jet,” Patrik Laine shared.

“Before I came to Winnipeg I didn’t know I had to skate hard,” Blake Wheeler said.  “Thanks to the fans I’m no longer slow and ineffective.”

Jets defenceman, Dustin Byfuglien noted the fans improved his game.  “I knew I was bigger than most of the guys on the ice but before I heard a Winnipeg fan yell at me to hit, I had no idea I was good at it.  Now most teams are afraid of me.”

The Jets site in-game advice as the biggest difference in their play but also credit radio call-in comments and opinions shared on social media as big helps in making the team better.

“Chevy and Paul spend many hours a day sorting through all the suggestions and advice,” Watson said.  “Without them, I’m not sure where we would be today.”

“I’ve had great coaching and played at the highest level possible most of my life but it is amazing how much more the fans know than us,” Mark Scheifele said.  “I mean we play hockey for a living and a guy with three games of junior B, thirty years ago knows more than our head coach.  I’m not sure where we would be if they kept all that knowledge to themselves.”

“I listen to every call-in show and read all the social media feeds and I am humbled by the hockey wisdom out there,” Head Coach Paul Maurice said.  “I’m glad most of these people were too busy to put in an application when they hired me as head coach.  I know Mark Chipman could replace me tomorrow with any number of these folks.”

“Well, it is incredible when you hear a person comment after watching the play once or seeing the highlights with such insight,” Kevin Cheveldayoff explained.  “We watch hours of video from several camera angles and completely miss what some random fan picks up on.  I only wish I could notice things that quickly.”

Jets’ ownership and management are also thankful for the direction from the fans.  “I had no idea how to run a hockey team until the fans started sharing with me,” owner Mark Chipman said.  “To be honest I didn’t know much about running a business either.  If it weren’t for the constant and consistent comments from fans, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I’m truly grateful.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  While the Winnipeg Jets and the members of the organization mentioned are real, they are used in a fictional way to create a satirical piece of fiction.  That means this story is not real.  Please read and share responsibly.  If you thought this was real, well, perhaps you should seek out some professional help immediately.

Photo Credit: S S


Police To Stop Yelling “Put Down Your Weapon” Replace With New, Kinder Questions

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Superior psychology is replacing old-school tactics used to subdue potentially violent criminals.

Portage la Prairie is the test site for a new police program to help armed thugs repent from violence and embrace a better way.

The days of police screaming demands like “put down your weapon” and “get on the ground now” will soon be part of our unenlightened past.

Studies reveal asking those engaged in criminal activity the right question in the correct tone is far more likely to stop the crime from proceeding.

“No one responds well to being yelled at,” head researcher Bronwyn Hobbs explained.  “Screaming demands at someone, especially those who may be armed and violent is counter productive.”

“They are already in a heightened state of anxiety so yelling commands at them makes the situation worse and less safe,” Hobbs said.

The new program starts immediately and employs new techniques in which police officers will probe the criminals psyche and try to reach them with questions rather than try and control them with commands.

Officers, depending on the situation, will ask armed perpetrators a series of questions like;

“How are you really feeling?”

“Can I help you with anything?”

“Is there anything I can get you?  Coffee?  Tea?  Ice Cream?”

“Is there anywhere else you need to be right now?”

“Do you need a ride?”

“If you could be any kind of animal, what animal would you be?”

“Did anything good happen today?”

“That is a really nice shirt you have.  Could you help me pick out a shirt?”

“How is your mother feeling?”

Local police are optimistic the new approach will calm and subdue armed and dangerous criminals without them having to yell or engage them physically.

Researchers admit to never have worked a day in law enforcement but feel their superior education, dubious research and arrogant approach have created the best possible technique in handling violent offenders.

“Individual citizens can use similar styles if they find themselves in violent of potentially violent situations,” Hobbs offered.  “Just try and empathize with the attacker and think about what you would like to be asked.”

If the test is successful in Portage la Prairie, police forces across the country will be using the questions by Christmas.

Notice to readers: Click here to read about the fictional reality of this story and website.  Neither are real and if you thought they were you need more help than we can offer. 

Photo: Colby Stopa –