Will Arnett gets lost trying to get from Winnipeg to Portage driving 150kms

Will Arnett Gets Lost Driving “150 Clicks” From Winnipeg To Portage la Prairie – Located 3 Days Later In Carberry

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Just days after releasing a video on Vanity Fair on Canadian slang, Will Arnett attempted to drive the “150 clicks” from Winnipeg to Portage la Prairie he mentioned in the video to visit relatives.

Family reported the Toronto born star missing the following day when he failed to show up at Splash Island for a family gathering and pool party.

“We rented the pool for the afternoon and was expecting Will to show up at noon,” Arnett’s Aunt Molly said.  “Will loves Island Park so we got worried when he didn’t show up.”

Police managed to locate Arnett in the parking lot of the Sand Hills Casino just south of Carberry Manitoba.

“It would appear Mr. Arnett set his cruise control just outside of Headingley and was expecting to drive 150 kilometers to Portage when the actual distance is about 70 kilometers,” Police spokesperson Brenda Walby said.  “He became distracted and didn’t see the exit signs to Portage la Prairie and proceeded to the Carberry turn off.  He indicated he followed signs to a casino and spent the next several days there where we found him in his rented vehicle sleeping.  Several locals recognized him as someone who might be on TV and contacted police after he hung around the parking lot for a couple of days asking where the water slides were.”

Arnett was taken to hospital for observation and autographs and was then returned to his family gathering on Island Park in Portage la Prairie.

“We bought Will a day pass to Splash Island, so he was very happy,” his Aunt Molly said.  “Will’s parents are from Winnipeg but Will grew up in Toronto so it only makes sense he would get lost in the wilds of Manitoba”

Arnett will be spending the next few days enjoying local tourist attractions like Delta Beach on Lake Manitoba, several walking trails and the Portage la Prairie Mall.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and explanation of the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website along with links to some amazing legal mombo jumbo.  Portage la Prairie, Winnipeg and Carberry are real and Will Arnett is real, but the story is completely made up, and fanciful and full of delight.  Please do not share this with your friends on social media if you are trying to trick them into thinking this is real.  Please do share abundantly if you think it is funny and enjoyed the humour.  CIPPTV is a fictional television station that exists as a satirical website so please do not tune into Channel 116 looking for us.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Gage Skidmore

Video – Vanity Fair Will Arnett Explains Canadian Slang

 

 

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Colorado Low brings heavy snowfall to Manitoba and a drop in productivity

Manitobans Who Made It To Work Waste Most Of The Day Talking About The Snow

WINNIPEG, MB –

Productivity across Manitoba may have hit an all-time low with today’s heavy snowfall, but people not getting to work isn’t the culprit.  Most businesses report 70-75% attendance, but it seems those people who have made it to work are doing nothing more than talking about all the snow.

“The moment I got in the office I was bombarded with the standard cliché comments about the weather,” Erik Tait said.  “Our front desk guy said, ‘sure a lot of snow out there, eh?’  Then Herb in accounting said ‘glad I own a snowblower today,’  It is amazing how many times I’ve had these conversations when it snows.”

Complaints of tedious and typically Canadian conversations are being made at all work and public places in Manitoba.

“Every time we get a blizzard or big dump of snow I get to hear all about the blizzards of ’97, ’86 and ’66,” Tait shared.  “I don’t think I can take another telling of how the snow drifts were as high as the roof.  It’s Manitoba.  It’s Canada.  It snows.  Why do we have to keep talking about it?”

Many Manitobans blame the media’s endless coverage of snowfall for the increase in the amount of discussions about the snow.

*Locals To Turn Colorado Low Into A High

Employers are looking at possible legislation to help combat the complete lack of productivity on snow days.

“We might as well close down altogether,” Albert Walker, General Manager of Mandelbaum Industries said.  “Between the people who can never make it in when it snows and the people who are here who can’t shut up about the snow falling, nothing gets done.  We should just have the province declare days like today official snow day holidays.”

People across the province are pleading with their fellow citizens to shut the hell up about the snow and get to work.  We all know it snowed.  We all know life goes on, even after a blizzard, so please stop making every conversation about the snow.

“Pretty soon we will be into flood season so at least we can start talking about how many cubic feet per second of water is in each river and whether or not any of the dykes and floodways will be used,” Tait offered.  “That is interesting for about 15 minutes before I go completely insane from hearing about that.”

C.I.P.P. – TV will have extensive coverage of the snowfall all day today and have even more extensive coverage of spring flooding or the lack thereof.  Stay tuned and talk about our coverage with your friends.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  That means we made this whole thing up for a laugh.  Ironically, the endless conversations about the snow and the snowfall itself are real but the story is completely fabricated, albeit inspired by actual events.  Please feel free to laugh and enjoy this story and share this link on your social media pages but don’t try to trick your dull friends into thinking this is real.  Read and think responsibly.

Photo Credit – denverkid

Patrik Laine's mom part of trending movement of mothers driving adult children around

Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

WINNIPEG, MB –

In the wake of Patrik Laine’s ground breaking interview in The Players’ Tribune, and the revelation that his mother drives him to and from his hockey games, new stats show a growing trend of mothers chauffeuring their adult children.

The new report shows 48% of adult males 18-24 have their mothers drive them at least 5 times a week, with 38% reporting their mom drives them at least once a day.  This is up from 23% and 12% respectively just 12 years ago.

“We are seeing a growing trend in mothers driving their sons,” Study lead Samantha Dawkins said.  “We think it is directly linked to hockey.”

Researchers believe that thousands of hockey players are becoming acclimatized to their mothers driving them around and begin to enjoy the free time, opting to watch videos or play games on phones and handheld electronics.  The urge to play games and use smart phone aps has surpassed the appeal of driving oneself and gaining independence.

“The electronic gratification is stripping the desire to drive away from our young men, and to a lesser extent, our young women,” Dawkins said.  “Patrik Laine and his mom have become the poster people for this movement.”

Indications are the numbers will continue to go up as more young men jump aboard the trend wanting to emulate their NHL heroes.

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

“We are seeing moms drive their sons to work, university and to social functions on a regular basis,” Dawkins pointed out.  “Many are opting out of getting a license or vehicle saving themselves thousands of dollars a year that they can spend on gaming systems and data plans.”

Most mothers we spoke to love the additional and prolonged control and care they can exercise on their children.

“I love that Tyrel gets me to drive him to his junior hockey games,” Michele Gaudry said.  “I make him his favorite pre-game meal, chicken fingers with macaroni and cheese then take him to the game.  I have to wait around about an hour after the game to take him home but I don’t mind.  It gives me a chance to visit with the other mom’s.”

“Kevin gets me to drive him to work everyday,” Cheryl Friesen said.  “He has a sales job so sometimes I get to drive him to appointments all day.  When he stays in the office I make sure I make a lunch for him and send it along.  He still likes eating peanut butter and jam sandwiches.”  Kevin Friesen is a 25 year-old pharmaceutical rep and no longer has a license after letting it lapse a couple of years ago to fund his online gaming interests.

Some social scientists believe the trend will push marrying ages up and marriage rates down as mothers extend their care years and possibly decades into their children’s lives.

“We are seeing many more family situations where mothers are living with adult children, even those who are married,” Dawkins said.  “Children are putting a lot of value on, not just their mom’s ability to complete domestic work like cooking and cleaning, but their skills in financial management and life-coaching.”

Young adults and increasing numbers of middle-aged people are more than happy to have their mothers look after the details of their lives so they can be free to concentrate on careers and more importantly video games and smart phone aps.

“Without mom living with me and driving me to work there is no way I’d be able to meet my sales targets and log up to 80 hours a week on my Playstation,” Kevin Friessen shared.  “Mom is helping me reach the goals and dreams I have personally and professionally.  I couldn’t do this without her.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full-on disclaimer, explanation and supporting legal statements about the satirical reality of this story and website.  Satire means this is not real, it is fiction that is attempting to make fun of something and make some kind of sideways comment on society and culture.  This is not fake news.  Fake news is designed to trick and fool. This fictional TV station is designed to entertain and make you snicker.  Fake news is also a term misused often by Donald Trump to deflect fair comment, reporting and criticism of his reign on the United States of America.

Photo Credit -Rex Roof

Patrik Laine's cousin explains Laine's Mennonite beard

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

TAMPERE, FINLAND –

Patrik Laine’s cousin Kimmo Laine has finally provided a rationale to Patrik’s bearded face that has perplexed Winnipeg Jets hockey fans.

It turns out Laine’s connection to Manitoba goes much deeper than being drafted second overall in 2016 by the Winnipeg Jets. According to Kimmo Laine the Laine family is up to a quarter Mennonite and have distant relatives in Southern Manitoba.

Patrik Laine's Cousin Kimmo Laine have Mennonite connection
Kimmo Laine explains the connection Patrik Laine and his family have to Manitoba Mennonites

“Our great-grandmother’s parents were Klaus and Leena Wiebe who immigrated to Finland from Prussia,” Kimmo Laine explained.  “Leena was originally a Neufeld and the other Wiebes and Neufelds went to Canada.”

Patrik’s beard took many hockey fans off guard this year, after he struggled to produce facial hair at all during his rookie season.

“Ya, Patty’s moustache was pretty dirty last year,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was trying but not much was happening.”

According to Kimmo, the Wiebe and Neufeld families are renowned for their blonde and red beards.

“Most Laines can grow pretty sick beards,” Kimmo shared.  “The men usually keep theirs but the women try to get rid of theirs.”

The same line of Wiebes and Neufelds ended up settling in the Lowe Farm and Winkler areas of Manitoba and are distant relatives of Patrik Laine’s family.

“Patty was able to track down a bunch of second cousins from the Wiebe book his mom has,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was pretty excited to find out he was related to the founders of Winkler Bible Camp and the Co-op in Lowe Farm.”

“The Neufeld side is a little more sketchy so Patty’s mom told him to shy away from them,” Laine offered.

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around*

Patrik Laine has managed to skip out to the Winkler and Plum Coulee area for a family gathering over the Christmas break and has been seen eating sunflower seeds and New Year’s cookies in the Jets’ locker room.  Laine is rumoured to be an exceptional crokinole player with a mastery of scoring twenties.

“The beard has really made him a rock star in Winkler and Southern Manitoba.  A lot of people still don’t have cable TV down there so they don’t recognize him right away,” Kimmo Laine said.  “With that beard I don’t think it would matter who he was he would still get swarmed by folks down there.  His girlfriend, Sanna, gets a little jealous when all the single Mennonite girls toss their bonnets at him.”

Laine has shied away from discussing his Mennonite heritage in the media in attempts to remain humble.

“In private he’s pretty stoked about his Menno-beard,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He doesn’t want any extra attention so he keeps his Mennonite roots under wraps.  James Reimer and Patty have talked a bit about the added pressure of growing up Mennonite so they have a special bond off the ice.”

When CIPP-TV hit the streets of Winkler they found Laine was more famous for his beard and crokinole skills than he was for hockey.

“I’ve seen a lot of guys score goals in the NHL but I’ve never seen anyone sink crokinole twenties like he can,” Peter Dyck said.  “Oba yo that beard is something else too,” he added.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While Patrik Laine, the Winnipeg Jets and sadly Patrik Laine’s beard are real the rest of the story is a work of fiction.  For those of you with a loose grasp on reading comprehension, that means it is made up, not real, fanciful, intended for entertainment and overall jolliness.  This story, the website and authors are not being, nor are they capable of being serious about this or most other things.  If you are feeling nauseous please look away the feeling should pass.

Photo credit – Dave Stone

Senior Hockey Star for Oakville Seals gets try out with Winnipeg Jets

Local Senior Hockey Star Gets NHL Shot With Injury To Winnipeg Jets’ Scheifele

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Rinks around Southern Manitoba are buzzing over the prospect of a star player from our own backyard getting a shot at the NHL.

When the Winnipeg Jets lost one of their top players to injury, Tyler Murray was poised to make the most the opportunity.

“I’ve been dedicated to getting better and refining my game just in case something like this would happen,” Murray explained.  “Even though I was never drafted I felt if I worked hard I could be one of those late bloomers who make it.”  Murray was passed over in the bantam draft for the WHL and MJHL and never heard his name called in either of his NHL draft years.

A star in Portage Minor Hockey, regional AAA teams, high school, the Keystone Junior B Hockey League, Manitoba Junior Hockey League and Manitoba Major Junior Hockey League, Murray has increased his offensive output and learned to be a two hundred foot player while playing for several Senior A teams over the last four years.

“Right now I’m averaging about 1.4 goals per game and I’m like a plus 20 or something,” Murray said of his current season with the Oakville Seals of the Central Senior Hockey League.  “I feel I’m playing my best hockey right now.”

Coaches and team mates agree Murray is ready to make the jump from Senior hockey to the NHL.

“We have lots of guys in our league who have been junior stars and a few who have played pro and right now Murr is the best player in the league and the biggest pain in the ass,” Player/Coach Robert Morse said.  “During the last NHL lock out we had a couple of NHLers play with us and Murray is just as good as them and he doesn’t stop telling us.”

While Murray has not yet signed a professional try out contract with the Jets, he is confident he’ll get a look to replace the Jet’s injured top centre.

The Winnipeg Jets confirmed they have not been in talks with Murray about a try out or contract but Murray isn’t worried as he hopes to get something done with the club over the next couple days.

“They practise out of the Ice-Plex in Headingley so I’ve booked ice right before their next practice,” Murray shared.  “Once they see what I can do I’ll likely just stick around for their practice and go from there.”

“Right now I’m a UFA(unrestricted free agent) so I can demand a lot on the open market,” Murray said.  “I’m pretty sure the Jets will be fair with me.”

The development arc for Murray has been impressive.  In AAA bantam for the Central Plains Capitals he put up a mere 12 points in 37 games, but by the time he made the Portage High School team he put up 27 points in 24 games.  From there he was invited to Junior A camps but opted for the Manitoba Major Junior League’s Pembina Thrashers before being traded to the Stonewall Jets.  Despite being held pointless in his first full season he managed to find a spot with the Neepawa Natives of the Manitoba Junior Hockey League where he put up 25 goals in 50 games.  The following season he split his time between St. Malo of the KJHL and River East of the MMJHL.  A veteran of almost every hockey league in Manitoba, Murray feels the adversity has prepared the 25 year-old for what is next.

“While other guys my age slow down and stop working out, I’ve ramped it up.  I train 12 months a year and I rent my own ice 6 times a week.  That’s why I’m so sick.”

The Oakville Seals will miss their rising star if he makes the big club.

“With him in the line up we’re pretty good,” team-mate Bradley Posner said.  “Most of the guys don’t really give a shit if we win, but Murr is always going a hundred and twenty per cent.  He kind of belongs at a higher level with that type of mindset.  I get tired of listening to him chisel points so the break will be nice.”

“Sure I like to win,” Murray said.  “But in senior hockey, a lot of times it’s the team that is sober who wins so a lot of the time I just go out for points.”

“I put together a little highlight package of my better goals this year and I’ll give that to Chevy(Jets G.M. Kevin Cheveldayoff) and Paul(Jets Head Coach Paul Maurice) after I skate with them but they probably won’t need it.  I’ve been watching their goalies on TV and I’m pretty sure I can exploit them in pracky.”

“I’d love to make the NHL,” Murray shared.  “Not only would it be a dream to play in the best league in the world but it would almost one hundred per cent guarantee I could find a really hot girlfriend.”

CIPP-TV’s “Get The Puck Out” will be following Murray’s progress with the Jets and provide viewers with updates.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  Fiction and Satire are generally sure-fire signs the story is made up and not real.  You’re smart though and already figured that out.  Good for you but this is for the dumb people out there who think Donald Trump and Facebook are real.

Photo Credit:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/mark6mauno/32445922024/in/album-72157679433615780/

Shoppers who can't do the math upset with buy one get one 50% sales

Shoppers Want “Buy One, Get One 50% Off” Sales Banned – Investigation Reveals It’s Just A 25% Discount

WINNIPEG, MB –

Calls from upset shoppers clogged the CIPP-TV news tip line on Black Friday with complaints about “Buy one, get one 50% off” sales found at most major malls and retailers.

Portager, Lisa Mojelsky, uncovered the truth behind the recent retail-marketing ploy used to attract holiday bargain hunters.

“I saw the sales sign, so I went in to buy some shoes,” Lisa Mojelsky told CIPP-TV investigative reporters.  “It wasn’t until after I paid and got my receipt that I realized I had been taken.”

Mojelsky eventually noticed the items she purchased had a combined discount of only 25%.

“I knew I wouldn’t be getting 50% off my whole bill but I didn’t know it was going to be as low as 25% off,” Mojelsky said.  “25% off isn’t that great of a sale.  If people knew it was that low I bet they wouldn’t shop there.”

The practise of having sales that promise to discount prices only after another item has been purchased at regular price has been utilized by stores for a few years to lure unsuspecting shoppers.

Retailers maintain there is nothing illegal or misleading about the practice since the terms are clearly stated.  Shoppers like Mojelsky disagree and are demanding something be done about this type of sale.

“I’m not that great at math and a lot of people can’t do complicated math like that in their heads,” Mojelsky said of the calculations needed to determine the actual discount.  “I mean, they expect us to be able to do percentages and fractions in our heads.  It’s not like everyone carries a calculator with them,” Mojelsky said holding a smart phone.

“If a sign says I get 50% off that’s what I should get, I can’t be expected to do advanced math in a shopping mall.”

Representatives the mall insist they are not trying to mislead the public or take advantage of their limited math abilities and tenuous grasp of reality.  They expressed a prevailing sense of frustration over the public outcry and the general lack of intelligence among their patrons.

CIPP-TV polled fifty shoppers on Black Friday and found that only three were able to calculate the total actual discount of a “buy one, get 50% off (the second item)” sale.

“They can’t expect us to think on our own like that,” Mojelsky said.  “The government needs to help protect consumers and tax payers by doing the thinking for us and putting in regulations against “buy one get one 50% off sales.  They should be against the law.”

Neither level of government bothered to call us back on the issue as they were busy doing their Christmas shopping.

Notice to reader/disclaimer – click here to read more about the reality of this story and website being completely fictional and satire ridden.  We do not want to you to believe for a second that shoppers could be easily be taken advantage of or confused or duped by basic math.  Math is well taught in school and many Canadians are good at math.  Except accountants.  They are not good at math.  They are generally evil and not good at anything.  Except they like beans.  That is why they fart a lot.  Accountants are smelly.

Photo Credit -Zoetnet

Portage la Prairie names main street Pallister Boulevard to honour Premier Brian Pallister

Province Demands Portage Change Name Of Saskatchewan Ave. To Pallister Boulevard

Winnipeg, MB –

With the Winnipeg Blue Bombers on the upswing, the Saskatchewan Roughriders lagging and a Portage la Prairie native as Premier, the time has come for Portage la Prairie to change the name of its main street.

Officials from the Provincial Government have requested the City of Portage la Prairie look at changing the name of Saskatchewan Avenue to something more supportive of Manitoba.

“I’m a mild Blue Bomber fan and I’ve always been kind of embarrassed by the name of our main street,” Portager Marvin Murdoch said.  “It’s hard to spell and for Americans coming here to hunt, it’s hard to say.”

Representatives from the City of Winnipeg were quick to weigh in on the name change suggesting Portage la Prairie should return the favour and name their main drag after Winnipeg.

“Portage Avenue is world-famous and we are proud of our main street name being connected to Portage la Prairie,” Winnipeg spokesperson Michelle Watson said.  “I think Winnipeg Avenue would be a perfect option for Portage la Prairie.”

The City of Brandon emailed their support for using Brandon Avenue as an alternative but the notion was quickly dismissed, as no one from the city wanted the branding associated with Brandon.

Lobbying efforts have included calls for the street to be re-named MacGregor Avenue and Oakville Avenue but no one has advocated for Newton Avenue or Elie Avenue.

Ridiculous suggestions have come in from as far west as Alberta with Calgary and Edmonton Avenue being put on the table.  From the east, the City of Toronto automatically recommended the street be called Toronto Avenue.

To satisfy the political pressure from the Premier’s Office in Winnipeg Portage was provided an initial short list of options and narrowed it down to the following names.

Campbell Avenue in honour of Douglas Campbell 13th Premier of Manitoba.

Weir Avenue after Walter Weir 15th Premier of Manitoba.  This was taken off the list after it was noted although Mr. Weir was born in High Bluff, educated in Portage la Prairie he did move to Saskatchewan to become an undertaker.

Pallister Boulevard to honour our current Premier and fellow Portager Brian Pallister.

Manitobah Avenue to pay homage to Portage la Prairie’s fleeting Republic of Manitobah led by Thomas Spence.

In a shocking and completely self-serving attempt to suck up, city officials have indicated Pallister Avenue will be the new name of Portage la Prairie’s main street formerly known as Saskatchewan Avenue.

Costa Rico To Join Canada – Pallister To Be First Premier of Two Provinces

Unnamed and unreliable sources say the decision was made to apply more pressure on the provincial government to fund the completion of the street in the west end of Portage.

“Hey I’m all for calling it Pallister Boulevard if it gets the rest of it paved,” Marvin Murdoch said.  “We all know he can put the bull in boulevard.”

“I think it’s nice to honour our home town hero,” Angela Fledner offered.  “Brian is so tall he should have a street named after him.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  That means it is a joke.  Humour.  Not real.  Please read and share responsibly.

Photo credit:  U.S. Department of Agriculture