Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more than you may want to about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so do not get all upset and thinkin’ it’s real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded, odd friends.  Do not trick other people into believing this is real.  Have fun, stay young, drink Papsi.  Don’t take offense to our making fun of Mennonites.  We are allowed to do that because key members of the staff are part of that gene pool.  We can’t make fun of other races or people groups as easily, although we may take a run at it from time to time.  Call your mom. Adopt a rescue cat.  Look at the trees and wash your hands after you wipe your bum.

 

Patrik Laine rollerblades in Amish country

Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 

The beard is weird, but it has gained notoriety and popularity as the Finnisher, Patrik Laine piles up the goals this NHL season.  During the current Winnipeg Jets road trip, Laine decided to strap on some rollerblades and visit the Amish farms around Lancaster Pennsylvania after being invited by local elders.

“We see Patrik as a role model for our young men,” Elder Isaac Stoltzfus said.  “Normally an Amish man would not grow a beard like Mr. Laine’s until after being wed, but we approve of Patrik’s beard.”

The Amish of Lancaster Pennsylvania are grateful Laine has made the Amish beard style trendy, relevant and more acceptable in the secular culture.

*Read About The Origins Of Patrik Laine’s Beard*

*Read About Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Trend To Care For Adult Children*

*Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

“We invited him to come spend the day with us and were excited he agreed,” Stoltzfus explained.  “We have several young women we’d like to introduce to Patrik as a possible wife for him.”

While in the Lancaster area, Laine strapped on the rollerblades and enjoyed the countryside to the delight of his Amish admirers.

“I’m not going to lie,” Laine said.  “I love all the beards and the Amish ladies are very cute but I don’t think I can accept their offer to join them.  I don’t mind the horse and buggy stuff but they don’t have Wi-Fi or electricity so I can’t play video games.  That is pretty much a deal breaker for me.”

Amish elders keen on seeing Laine join their flock said they would consider using electricity and the internet if it meant the Finnish hockey superstar would spend his summers among them.

“If Patrik found an agreeable Amish woman to be his wife we could see about adding electricity and Wi-Fi so he could join us,” Stoltzfus said.  “We don’t normally add worldly things like that to our farms but Patrik is special so we might consider it.”

Nikolaj Ehlers, Laine’s best friend on the Winnipeg Jets, was also invited to tag along.  Amish elders feel he has potential for Amish membership if he would embrace his beard more enthusiastically.

“Nik has a lot of appeal among the Amish ladies as well.  He might catch up to Patrik if he would let his beard grow longer,” Stoltzfus said.

Ehlers and Laine both enjoyed their time among their growing base of Amish fans and promised to visit them again.  Neither would comment on whether they found a suitable partner among the group of Amish women they met.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Darcy Johnson

Amish and Mennonite fans go to see Patrik Laine play with the Jets in Philadelphia against the Flyers

Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

LANCASTER, PA – 

The most popular hockey player among Pennsylvania Dutch, Amish and Mennonite fans from the Lancaster area is playing in Philadelphia and highways are clogged with horse and buggies full of fans slowly making their way to the game.  Pennsylvania Highway 30 will be most affected by the increased traffic.

“We are cautioning regular motorists to be aware of delays and to avoid the area until this caravan of Patrik Laine fans make it to Philadelphia,” Highway Patrol Officer, John Wood warned.  “We’ve never seen this big of an Amish migration at one time before.”

Wells Fargo Centre will be a sea of black hats and white bonnets.  Amish and Mennonite fans from as far away as Lancaster and Harrisburg staring snapping up tickets last month. Demand became so high scalper could charge up to $1,500 per ticket to Saturday’s NHL game between the Winnipeg Jets and Philadelphia Flyers.  Many of the ticket buyers are opting to trade vast amounts of baked goods, blankets, quilts, eggs, live poultry and some pigs for tickets.

Normally after market tickets are sold online or near the rink but for this game, sellers are setting up roadside stands to exchange their seats for a variety of Amish and Mennonite goods.

After Patrik Laine scored a hat trick in New York a few days ago, many Amish men are hopeful they will be able to toss their iconic black hat onto the ice when they see their hero live in person.

“We have to go into town to watch the Jets games,” Jacob Beiler from Lancaster said.  “We love Patrik Laine.  The young single women adore his beard.  In many ways he has made all Amish men more desirable.”

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

*Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

To many Amish and Mennonite fans from Pennsylvania, the fact Winnipeg has embraced the beard wielding Finn, has them interested in re-locating to the Manitoba capital.

“Winnipeg must be some kind of wonderful place if an Amish looking kid like Patrik can be considered a hero,” Beiler said.  “Perhaps they would embrace us the same way.”

Before a mass migration begins, the Laine fans from Pennsylvania will enjoy seeing their favorite hockey player take on the home team.

Flyer team officials are scrambling to secure enough straw and hay to the wave of horses and buggies heading their way.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit: Bob M

Patrik Laine's mom part of trending movement of mothers driving adult children around

Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

WINNIPEG, MB –

In the wake of Patrik Laine’s ground breaking interview in The Players’ Tribune, and the revelation that his mother drives him to and from his hockey games, new stats show a growing trend of mothers chauffeuring their adult children.

The new report shows 48% of adult males 18-24 have their mothers drive them at least 5 times a week, with 38% reporting their mom drives them at least once a day.  This is up from 23% and 12% respectively just 12 years ago.

“We are seeing a growing trend in mothers driving their sons,” Study lead Samantha Dawkins said.  “We think it is directly linked to hockey.”

Researchers believe that thousands of hockey players are becoming acclimatized to their mothers driving them around and begin to enjoy the free time, opting to watch videos or play games on phones and handheld electronics.  The urge to play games and use smart phone aps has surpassed the appeal of driving oneself and gaining independence.

“The electronic gratification is stripping the desire to drive away from our young men, and to a lesser extent, our young women,” Dawkins said.  “Patrik Laine and his mom have become the poster people for this movement.”

Indications are the numbers will continue to go up as more young men jump aboard the trend wanting to emulate their NHL heroes.

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

“We are seeing moms drive their sons to work, university and to social functions on a regular basis,” Dawkins pointed out.  “Many are opting out of getting a license or vehicle saving themselves thousands of dollars a year that they can spend on gaming systems and data plans.”

Most mothers we spoke to love the additional and prolonged control and care they can exercise on their children.

“I love that Tyrel gets me to drive him to his junior hockey games,” Michele Gaudry said.  “I make him his favorite pre-game meal, chicken fingers with macaroni and cheese then take him to the game.  I have to wait around about an hour after the game to take him home but I don’t mind.  It gives me a chance to visit with the other mom’s.”

“Kevin gets me to drive him to work everyday,” Cheryl Friesen said.  “He has a sales job so sometimes I get to drive him to appointments all day.  When he stays in the office I make sure I make a lunch for him and send it along.  He still likes eating peanut butter and jam sandwiches.”  Kevin Friesen is a 25 year-old pharmaceutical rep and no longer has a license after letting it lapse a couple of years ago to fund his online gaming interests.

Some social scientists believe the trend will push marrying ages up and marriage rates down as mothers extend their care years and possibly decades into their children’s lives.

“We are seeing many more family situations where mothers are living with adult children, even those who are married,” Dawkins said.  “Children are putting a lot of value on, not just their mom’s ability to complete domestic work like cooking and cleaning, but their skills in financial management and life-coaching.”

Young adults and increasing numbers of middle-aged people are more than happy to have their mothers look after the details of their lives so they can be free to concentrate on careers and more importantly video games and smart phone aps.

“Without mom living with me and driving me to work there is no way I’d be able to meet my sales targets and log up to 80 hours a week on my Playstation,” Kevin Friessen shared.  “Mom is helping me reach the goals and dreams I have personally and professionally.  I couldn’t do this without her.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full-on disclaimer, explanation and supporting legal statements about the satirical reality of this story and website.  Satire means this is not real, it is fiction that is attempting to make fun of something and make some kind of sideways comment on society and culture.  This is not fake news.  Fake news is designed to trick and fool. This fictional TV station is designed to entertain and make you snicker.  Fake news is also a term misused often by Donald Trump to deflect fair comment, reporting and criticism of his reign on the United States of America.

Photo Credit -Rex Roof

The National Hockey League bans fighting for players and opens it up for fans

NHL Bans Fighting For Players, Opens It Up For Hockey Fans

NEW YORK, NY – Exclusive to “Get The Puck Out”

In a bold move to modernize the National Hockey League, Commissioner Gary Bettman announced starting next season fighting will be banned for players but measures will be put in place to allow fans to fight while attending games.

“Today we address two major issues for the National Hockey League,” Gary Bettman said.  “Player safety is paramount in light of what we know but mostly ignore about CTE.  Furthermore, our fans are demanding more from their NHL in-game experience, and to provide the ultimate fan engagement, we will be allowing select fans the chance to fight on behalf of their team during NHL contests.”

The League and Board of Governors are establishing the Fan Fury Festival in every NHL arena, an opportunity for fans to battle UFC style for their favourite team and take over the pugilism from the players.

“It no longer makes sound financial sense for our players, who are all multi-millionaires to put their bodies at risk of injury.  We have a pool of willing fans, who are worth far less than NHL players, wanting to put their health and safety on the line for the team,” Bettman explained.

A fighting cage will be retro-fitted in each rink to allow fans to fight in response to a dirty hit, a cheap shot, taunting, chirping or if their team is not playing well and needs a lift.  A fan representing each team will pay extra for the chance to fight and will be placed in the cage to duke it out in a ninety second match broadcast in-house on the scoreboard video screen as well as on NHL partner broadcasts.

Games will pause for the duration of the fight and the players will be encouraged to watch the fight on the centre ice screens and draw inspiration and energy from the battling fans.

“In today’s NHL, fans travel to road games more than ever,” Bettman offered.  “This will add a dynamic new element to the game and encourage more out-of-town visits from travelling fans, and a new level of interaction with the game, currently unheard of in professional sport.

Fans around the league are overwhelmingly positive about the announcement to move fighting off the ice and away from the players to the stands and amongst the fans.

“I can hardly wait to pay for the chance to punch a Flyers fan in the face,” Winnipeg Jets fan Benjamin Froese said.  “Home or away, it won’t matter to me.  I’d love to bloody that ugly orange jersey.”

“It only makes sense to protect performers making millions a year from hurting themselves in a fight when you have an abundance of low-life, low-value fans who can do it for them,” Toronto Maple Leafs fan Irving Wallace said.

“This is the best idea the NHL has ever had,” Montreal fan Claude Burns said.  “This takes the seventh man to a whole new level.  I can hardly wait until the Bruins come to town next year.”

Local team websites have been inundated with inquiries from fans wanting to know when they can sign up and pay for the new ultimate game experience.

“I’d pay you double what my season tickets are if you give me a chance to kick a Calgary Flames fan’s ass,” Edmonton Oiler fan Bernie Webber offered.  “I’d fight to help my team win, and so I could beat the crap out of somebody without getting arrested.”

Initial cost per round of Fan Fury Festival is rumoured to be $1,200 per participant but the NHL is waiting to gauge market reaction before setting ticket prices as high as possible but the totals will not be included in hockey related revenues.

“This will be a premium product offering, so it would make sense that it will carry a premium price,” Bettman warned.  “We never wanted to take fighting out of hockey so this is a great way to preserve the traditions of our great and storied league while advancing it into the future.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure, explanation and links to further legal notifications.  Basically they are there to make sure you understand this story and website are completely fictional and primarily satirical.  While the NHL, mentioned teams, and Gary Bettman are real the story and quotes are completely fictional, made up and perhaps funny and intended for the entertainment of the tens if not dozens of people who read this site on a daily basis.  Please don’t try to trick your friends on social media into thinking this is real as they may grow to distrust and dislike you when they tell their buddy at the game this idea is for real.  Most people will realize the NHL would never to anything this silly but for the rest of the people holding out for a cure for stupid we provide a long-winded and silly disclaimer.

Photo credit – Mark Mauno

Patrik Laine's cousin explains Laine's Mennonite beard

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

TAMPERE, FINLAND –

Patrik Laine’s cousin Kimmo Laine has finally provided a rationale to Patrik’s bearded face that has perplexed Winnipeg Jets hockey fans.

It turns out Laine’s connection to Manitoba goes much deeper than being drafted second overall in 2016 by the Winnipeg Jets. According to Kimmo Laine the Laine family is up to a quarter Mennonite and have distant relatives in Southern Manitoba.

Patrik Laine's Cousin Kimmo Laine have Mennonite connection
Kimmo Laine explains the connection Patrik Laine and his family have to Manitoba Mennonites

“Our great-grandmother’s parents were Klaus and Leena Wiebe who immigrated to Finland from Prussia,” Kimmo Laine explained.  “Leena was originally a Neufeld and the other Wiebes and Neufelds went to Canada.”

Patrik’s beard took many hockey fans off guard this year, after he struggled to produce facial hair at all during his rookie season.

“Ya, Patty’s moustache was pretty dirty last year,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was trying but not much was happening.”

According to Kimmo, the Wiebe and Neufeld families are renowned for their blonde and red beards.

“Most Laines can grow pretty sick beards,” Kimmo shared.  “The men usually keep theirs but the women try to get rid of theirs.”

The same line of Wiebes and Neufelds ended up settling in the Lowe Farm and Winkler areas of Manitoba and are distant relatives of Patrik Laine’s family.

“Patty was able to track down a bunch of second cousins from the Wiebe book his mom has,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was pretty excited to find out he was related to the founders of Winkler Bible Camp and the Co-op in Lowe Farm.”

“The Neufeld side is a little more sketchy so Patty’s mom told him to shy away from them,” Laine offered.

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around*

Patrik Laine has managed to skip out to the Winkler and Plum Coulee area for a family gathering over the Christmas break and has been seen eating sunflower seeds and New Year’s cookies in the Jets’ locker room.  Laine is rumoured to be an exceptional crokinole player with a mastery of scoring twenties.

“The beard has really made him a rock star in Winkler and Southern Manitoba.  A lot of people still don’t have cable TV down there so they don’t recognize him right away,” Kimmo Laine said.  “With that beard I don’t think it would matter who he was he would still get swarmed by folks down there.  His girlfriend, Sanna, gets a little jealous when all the single Mennonite girls toss their bonnets at him.”

Laine has shied away from discussing his Mennonite heritage in the media in attempts to remain humble.

“In private he’s pretty stoked about his Menno-beard,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He doesn’t want any extra attention so he keeps his Mennonite roots under wraps.  James Reimer and Patty have talked a bit about the added pressure of growing up Mennonite so they have a special bond off the ice.”

When CIPP-TV hit the streets of Winkler they found Laine was more famous for his beard and crokinole skills than he was for hockey.

“I’ve seen a lot of guys score goals in the NHL but I’ve never seen anyone sink crokinole twenties like he can,” Peter Dyck said.  “Oba yo that beard is something else too,” he added.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While Patrik Laine, the Winnipeg Jets and sadly Patrik Laine’s beard are real the rest of the story is a work of fiction.  For those of you with a loose grasp on reading comprehension, that means it is made up, not real, fanciful, intended for entertainment and overall jolliness.  This story, the website and authors are not being, nor are they capable of being serious about this or most other things.  If you are feeling nauseous please look away the feeling should pass.

Photo credit – Dave Stone

Senior Hockey Star for Oakville Seals gets try out with Winnipeg Jets

Local Senior Hockey Star Gets NHL Shot With Injury To Winnipeg Jets’ Scheifele

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Rinks around Southern Manitoba are buzzing over the prospect of a star player from our own backyard getting a shot at the NHL.

When the Winnipeg Jets lost one of their top players to injury, Tyler Murray was poised to make the most the opportunity.

“I’ve been dedicated to getting better and refining my game just in case something like this would happen,” Murray explained.  “Even though I was never drafted I felt if I worked hard I could be one of those late bloomers who make it.”  Murray was passed over in the bantam draft for the WHL and MJHL and never heard his name called in either of his NHL draft years.

A star in Portage Minor Hockey, regional AAA teams, high school, the Keystone Junior B Hockey League, Manitoba Junior Hockey League and Manitoba Major Junior Hockey League, Murray has increased his offensive output and learned to be a two hundred foot player while playing for several Senior A teams over the last four years.

“Right now I’m averaging about 1.4 goals per game and I’m like a plus 20 or something,” Murray said of his current season with the Oakville Seals of the Central Senior Hockey League.  “I feel I’m playing my best hockey right now.”

Coaches and team mates agree Murray is ready to make the jump from Senior hockey to the NHL.

“We have lots of guys in our league who have been junior stars and a few who have played pro and right now Murr is the best player in the league and the biggest pain in the ass,” Player/Coach Robert Morse said.  “During the last NHL lock out we had a couple of NHLers play with us and Murray is just as good as them and he doesn’t stop telling us.”

While Murray has not yet signed a professional try out contract with the Jets, he is confident he’ll get a look to replace the Jet’s injured top centre.

The Winnipeg Jets confirmed they have not been in talks with Murray about a try out or contract but Murray isn’t worried as he hopes to get something done with the club over the next couple days.

“They practise out of the Ice-Plex in Headingley so I’ve booked ice right before their next practice,” Murray shared.  “Once they see what I can do I’ll likely just stick around for their practice and go from there.”

“Right now I’m a UFA(unrestricted free agent) so I can demand a lot on the open market,” Murray said.  “I’m pretty sure the Jets will be fair with me.”

The development arc for Murray has been impressive.  In AAA bantam for the Central Plains Capitals he put up a mere 12 points in 37 games, but by the time he made the Portage High School team he put up 27 points in 24 games.  From there he was invited to Junior A camps but opted for the Manitoba Major Junior League’s Pembina Thrashers before being traded to the Stonewall Jets.  Despite being held pointless in his first full season he managed to find a spot with the Neepawa Natives of the Manitoba Junior Hockey League where he put up 25 goals in 50 games.  The following season he split his time between St. Malo of the KJHL and River East of the MMJHL.  A veteran of almost every hockey league in Manitoba, Murray feels the adversity has prepared the 25 year-old for what is next.

“While other guys my age slow down and stop working out, I’ve ramped it up.  I train 12 months a year and I rent my own ice 6 times a week.  That’s why I’m so sick.”

The Oakville Seals will miss their rising star if he makes the big club.

“With him in the line up we’re pretty good,” team-mate Bradley Posner said.  “Most of the guys don’t really give a shit if we win, but Murr is always going a hundred and twenty per cent.  He kind of belongs at a higher level with that type of mindset.  I get tired of listening to him chisel points so the break will be nice.”

“Sure I like to win,” Murray said.  “But in senior hockey, a lot of times it’s the team that is sober who wins so a lot of the time I just go out for points.”

“I put together a little highlight package of my better goals this year and I’ll give that to Chevy(Jets G.M. Kevin Cheveldayoff) and Paul(Jets Head Coach Paul Maurice) after I skate with them but they probably won’t need it.  I’ve been watching their goalies on TV and I’m pretty sure I can exploit them in pracky.”

“I’d love to make the NHL,” Murray shared.  “Not only would it be a dream to play in the best league in the world but it would almost one hundred per cent guarantee I could find a really hot girlfriend.”

CIPP-TV’s “Get The Puck Out” will be following Murray’s progress with the Jets and provide viewers with updates.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  Fiction and Satire are generally sure-fire signs the story is made up and not real.  You’re smart though and already figured that out.  Good for you but this is for the dumb people out there who think Donald Trump and Facebook are real.

Photo Credit:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/mark6mauno/32445922024/in/album-72157679433615780/