Portage potato festival on the rocks due to protests

Portage May Lose Potato Festival As Manitoba Towns Fight Over World’s Sexiest Vegetable

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Potatoes are sexy and they know it, and it seems everyone wants in on the action.

For years, Portage la Prairie has been the home of the Potato Festival but neighbouring communities are mounting a legal challenge to change that.

The battle for the tuber has never been greater as Winkler, Carman and Carberry have filed a class-action lawsuit against Portage la Prairie over the right to hold a celebration of the potato.

Their claim is centred around their demands the potato be honoured more fully and completely.

“Portage has two big fry factories, they’re a big player but the potato is bigger than that,” legal challenger Steve Penner of Carman said.  “But places like Carman, Winkler and certainly Carberry are huge players in the potato industry.  We should have a say and we think much more needs to be done for the potato.”

Normally Portage keeps the Potato Festival low key with free fries, some bouncy castles, slow-pitch tournament, local entertainers and a Canadian country music headliner to round out the event.  This approach has caused rivals to try and muscle in on the potato title.

“Potatoes are the sexiest vegetables ever,” Penner said.  “You can do anything with them, not just fry them.”

Penner and the group behind the lawsuit claim they would better represent the potato by offering baked, mashed, and over roasted samples free of charge.  Their plans would also include a hash brown eating contest, a potato king and queen pageant, an interactive kids potato dig, funniest looking potato contest, potato head decorating competition and soup making classes.

“We love potatoes so much and we want to show the world what they have to offer,” Penner explained.  “No other vegetable can do so much and we just want to give something back to honour it.”

The courts will not be able to hear the case until later this year so the current Portage Potato Festival will be unaffected but future ones could be in jeopardy.

“Even if we aren’t successful in getting the rights to the Potato Festival we will look at doing something under a different name,” Penner said.

Rumoured alternative names include Potato Party, Potato Extravaganza, Potato Palooza, and Potato Mania.

Portage organizers aren’t worried about competition for the love of the potato.

“We know everybody loves the potato but there will only be one true home for the Potato Festival, and that is Portage la Prairie,” organizer James Thompson said.

“While they worry about taking us to court we just might test some of their ideas along with adding a few twists of our own,” Thompson said.

This year’s festival goes Friday August 10 and Saturday August 11 and will be monitored closely by visitors from Winkler, Carberry and Carman to make sure the potato is celebrated properly.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the reality of this story being fictional along with the website.  This is satire, humour, funny, ha-ha not fake or real news.  If you can’t tell that without reading this you may be in trouble.  Have a great day and remember to eat your potatoes.

Photo: Henry Burrows – https://www.flickr.com/photos/foilman/

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Patrik Laine's cousin explains Laine's Mennonite beard

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

TAMPERE, FINLAND –

Patrik Laine’s cousin Kimmo Laine has finally provided a rationale to Patrik’s bearded face that has perplexed Winnipeg Jets hockey fans.

It turns out Laine’s connection to Manitoba goes much deeper than being drafted second overall in 2016 by the Winnipeg Jets. According to Kimmo Laine the Laine family is up to a quarter Mennonite and have distant relatives in Southern Manitoba.

Patrik Laine's Cousin Kimmo Laine have Mennonite connection
Kimmo Laine explains the connection Patrik Laine and his family have to Manitoba Mennonites

“Our great-grandmother’s parents were Klaus and Leena Wiebe who immigrated to Finland from Prussia,” Kimmo Laine explained.  “Leena was originally a Neufeld and the other Wiebes and Neufelds went to Canada.”

Patrik’s beard took many hockey fans off guard this year, after he struggled to produce facial hair at all during his rookie season.

“Ya, Patty’s moustache was pretty dirty last year,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was trying but not much was happening.”

According to Kimmo, the Wiebe and Neufeld families are renowned for their blonde and red beards.

“Most Laines can grow pretty sick beards,” Kimmo shared.  “The men usually keep theirs but the women try to get rid of theirs.”

The same line of Wiebes and Neufelds ended up settling in the Lowe Farm and Winkler areas of Manitoba and are distant relatives of Patrik Laine’s family.

“Patty was able to track down a bunch of second cousins from the Wiebe book his mom has,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was pretty excited to find out he was related to the founders of Winkler Bible Camp and the Co-op in Lowe Farm.”

“The Neufeld side is a little more sketchy so Patty’s mom told him to shy away from them,” Laine offered.

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around*

Patrik Laine has managed to skip out to the Winkler and Plum Coulee area for a family gathering over the Christmas break and has been seen eating sunflower seeds and New Year’s cookies in the Jets’ locker room.  Laine is rumoured to be an exceptional crokinole player with a mastery of scoring twenties.

“The beard has really made him a rock star in Winkler and Southern Manitoba.  A lot of people still don’t have cable TV down there so they don’t recognize him right away,” Kimmo Laine said.  “With that beard I don’t think it would matter who he was he would still get swarmed by folks down there.  His girlfriend, Sanna, gets a little jealous when all the single Mennonite girls toss their bonnets at him.”

Laine has shied away from discussing his Mennonite heritage in the media in attempts to remain humble.

“In private he’s pretty stoked about his Menno-beard,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He doesn’t want any extra attention so he keeps his Mennonite roots under wraps.  James Reimer and Patty have talked a bit about the added pressure of growing up Mennonite so they have a special bond off the ice.”

When CIPP-TV hit the streets of Winkler they found Laine was more famous for his beard and crokinole skills than he was for hockey.

“I’ve seen a lot of guys score goals in the NHL but I’ve never seen anyone sink crokinole twenties like he can,” Peter Dyck said.  “Oba yo that beard is something else too,” he added.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While Patrik Laine, the Winnipeg Jets and sadly Patrik Laine’s beard are real the rest of the story is a work of fiction.  For those of you with a loose grasp on reading comprehension, that means it is made up, not real, fanciful, intended for entertainment and overall jolliness.  This story, the website and authors are not being, nor are they capable of being serious about this or most other things.  If you are feeling nauseous please look away the feeling should pass.

Photo credit – Dave Stone

Morden superior to Winkler in most measurable ways

New Study Shows Morden Superior To Winkler “In Almost Every Measurable Way”

Winkler, MB –

For years, Winklerites have accused their sibling city of Morden of intentionally causing problems and making them look bad and a new study confirms their worst fears.

A new study compared the neighbouring cities and looked at the social and cultural impact each had on the other.

“We discovered right away there was a lot of truth to the saying, ‘live in Morden – work in Winkler’,” study author Brian Rolston said.  “On almost every measurable way Morden is the superior community to live in, while Winkler has a much stronger work ethic and better productivity numbers.”

Morden was measured to be much friendlier more diverse and scenic compared to it’s more efficient, conservative and religious twin city.

“They might be sisters but they couldn’t be more different,” Rolston explained.  “Morden is the girl with the pretty smile and the life of the party while Winkler is the sturdy young woman at Sunday school who doesn’t laugh much.”

Winkler looses to Morden when it comes to arts and culture, recreation facilities, scenery and beautification, education and overall quality of life.  Winkler does beat out the dinosaur city when it comes to economic development and population growth.

“We found a deep frustration within Winkler on how they are perceived but the outside world.  They feel superior to Morden in every thing that important to them.  They are more religious and conservative by a long-shot but those things are not appreciated by outsiders.”

The study shows that for those considering moving to the Morden/Winkler area almost 95% say they would live in Morden even if they worked in Winkler.  For native Winklerites the numbers are overwhelming, with 99% saying they would never live in Morden even if they worked there.

“People from Winkler are very loyal and they have been very successful at attracting new Canadians who share their values.  They have a very high birth rate that combine to make Winkler a leader in population growth despite the fact few people from Manitoba want to live there compared to Morden.”

 

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the truth about the fact this story and website are in fact not true but satirical and fictional.  That means some small cabal of silly people sat in a dimly lit room or coffee shop and made this stuff up for a laugh.  Well, they were laughing, we are not sure anyone else was but at least someone was entertained for a while.  Please read and share if you get the joke.  Don’t try and trick your Facebook friends into thinking this is real or some evil plot hashed by the left-leaning CBC to make Winkler look bad.  They don’t need the CBC’s or anyone else’s help.

 

Photo Credit:  Common Dactyl

Increased Alcohol Consumption Makes Portage Better Than Steinbach & Winkler

Portage la Prairie, MB –

The City of Possibilities is toasting the arrival of a second Liquor Commission outlet as evidence of its superiority to other cities in Southern Manitoba.

Despite the fact both Steinbach and Winkler are experiencing population growth higher than Portage, locals have maintained their city is still better and more fun.

“We beat Winkler and Steinbach all the time in hockey,” Portager Drew Mandel said.  “We have a lake, Island Park and a really nice rink so Portage is way better.  And we know how to party.

When both Winkler and Steinbach built fancy new Liquor Commissions, many Portagers felt slighted by their predominately Mennonite rivals.

“How did Winkler and Steinbach get new LC’s before us?” Portager Eugene Wilson shared.  “A town that used to be dry has a nicer booze store than us.  How does that work?”

Portage has pride in its drinking reputation and the start of construction on the new west-end LC is being celebrated.

“We always knew we could out drink Winkler and Steinbach.  That was never in doubt.  Mennonites will only drink when there are no other Mennonites around,” Portager Billy Friessen said.  “Now we can point to our two locations as indisputable proof we party harder.”

“The only other cities in Manitoba to give us a run at liquor consumption would be Dauphin, Swan River and perhaps Selkirk,” Wilson added.  “But they don’t have two locations so I guess we are better drinkers.”

Portage is looking at marketing itself as a party town in hopes of increasing its appeal as a place to live and invest.

“We know how to party better than anyone,” Friessen offered.  “We should embrace that and advertise it more.  And maybe businesses and people will want to move here.”

“Winkler is known for its work ethic but that is boring.  Younger generations would like the party message much better,” Wilson said.  “We could really build on this.”

An informal survey of Portagers confirm most feel that drinking more increases their positive feelings for the city.

With an east and west end location, the Liquor Commission stores join retail icons like 7-11 and Tim Hortons and could assist in defining west and east Portage.  Click here to read the story on how Portage la Prairie is divided here.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  This is an entertainment site and not a news outlet.  We don’t make fake news to trick people we create fiction to entertain and challenge.   Enjoy in moderation and share responsibly.

Photo:  lemonjenny – https://www.flickr.com/photos/pumpkinjuice/

Husband Guilty Of Oral Neglect – Wife Finds Love & Satisfaction With Wooden Teeth & Bolivian Mennonite

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

He was her husband and her dentist but he is now neither.

Joshua Bobinsky is facing a hefty divorce settlement, fines and professional discipline after neglecting the oral needs of his wife Jocelyn.

In February of last year, Mrs. Bobinsky entered the care of her husband of 20 years and dentist for the last 5, for a routine filling and root canal.  She was expecting to be back to normal the next day.

“He was always a kind and caring husband so I thought that he would make a good dentist,” the soon to be former, Mrs. Bobinsky said.  “No woman could stay with a man who is that bad at his day job.  After the terrible job he did on my dentures I couldn’t be with him anymore.”

After having to pull all his wife’s teeth, Mr. Bobinsky did such terrible job designing and fitting her dentures she was unable to eat, talk or smile.  The authorities became involved after Mrs. Bobinsky was mocked publicly during a recent Glesby Centre concert.

“People started pointing at me,” Bobinsky explained.  “My teeth kept falling out of my mouth and when I got them to stay in they made fun of my smile.  A couple we’ve known for fifteen years called me “Giraffe Face” over and over.”

Police were called to the centre to examine the botched false teeth and immediately apprehended Mr. Bobinsky and charged him with the oral neglect of his wife.

After initially pleading not guilty, Bobinsky, entered into a plea bargain and accepted the charges and was sentenced to a $10,000 fine and time served.  He is currently suspended from dentistry until he improves his skills as a denturist and finds a new wife.

Jocelyn Bobinsky has since sought the oral satisfaction of a denturist in Winkler Manitoba who creates life-like and award-winning dentures from hard wood.  His innovative work employs Mennonite carvers from Bolivia.  The Bolivians are old order Mennonites who have come to Canada to escape the wild and sinful life of their homeland.

“The work of these artists took my breath away,” Mrs. Bobinsky said.  “When I saw the work they did all I could say was wow!  All my friends compliment me now.  No one can tell they are made of wood.”

The Bobinsky’s are finalizing their divorce and Mrs. Bobinsky has started dating one of the Bolivian Mennonite artisans.  “I never want to suffer from oral neglect again and I know Abe(Sawatzky) will always make sure I am orally satisfied.”

More on this story as details become available.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the humorous intentions, satirical nature and fictional reality of this story and website.

Photo: Rolands Lakis -https://www.flickr.com/photos/rolandslakis/