Manitoba City Makes It Illegal To Kill Mosquitoes & Puts Them On Threatened Species List

Portage la Prairie, MB –

It will soon be illegal to kill mosquitoes in Portage la Prairie after researchers discovered Portagers’ blood is causing record low numbers of he insect.

Concerned locals created their own theories over why Portage’s favorite songbird has virtually disappeared but the real reason was deeply disturbing.

25067277666_80253c0746_k“Talk around here is that the dryer than normal summer, heat and wind have killed the poor little guys off,” concerned citizens group leader Gordon Rodgers said.  “It is so bad this year no one is getting any mosquito bites at all.  We knew something terrible must be happening so we called the government.”

Researchers from the Entomology Institute of Manitoba started their investigation in early July and released some shocking findings.

“We first looked at environmental factors like standing water needed for breeding,” E.I.M investigator Erica Jones explained.  “People kept telling us it was the hot dry summer but our researched indicated an abundance of breeding locations.”

Other weather related factors like wind and humidity could account for the lack of local mosquitos.  That’s when the research team made an alarming discovery.

“The local mosquito population has defected to regions to the west, south and east,” Jones said.  The reason why is even more alarming.

“The evidence we found shows the mosquitoes are avoiding blood of local residents because of several reasons.  The main reason is they don’t want to contract blood borne illnesses found in Portagers at high rates, like hepatitis, West Nile, Zika and STD’s combined with the fact Portagers blood tastes like a combination of fried chicken, pizza and french fries..”

Mosquitoes couldn’t find enough tasty, uninfected targets locally so they conducted a mass migration out of the area to healthier feeding grounds.

Without immediate action to reduce the infection rates in humans, the mosquitoes will not return say scientists.

“We have placed all local species on the threatened list so they can be protected,” Jones said.  “There are very few mosquitoes left so we have to take immediate, radical steps to make sure they survive.”

As a threatened species, it will be a finable offense to kill, harm or disrupt the mosquito’s habitat.  Environmental enforcement officers will be patrolling to make sure Portagers follow the new rules.

“Hopefully we can get this figured out so future generations can continue to enjoy the summer right of passage of swatting at mosquitoes and scratching at itchy bites,” Jones said.  “It’s almost considered a basic human right of Manitobans to enjoy mosquitoes every summer.  If we act now hopefully we can protect this unique feature of our culture and environment.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the ridiculous and fictional nature of the story and website.  We all miss mosquitos but you still shouldn’t think this story is real.

Photo: CDC Global – https://www.flickr.com/photos/cdcglobal/

Photo: Guy and Statue Donald Lee Pardue – https://www.flickr.com/photos/oldrebel/

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Woman beats influenza and all illness with garlic cure

Woman’s Garlic Cure Is More Effective Than Flu-Shot But Makes Her Smell Worse Than Dead Animal

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

For the past eighteen years, Ingrid Salisbury has consumed four large cloves of garlic a day and has not been ill once during that time.

“It is truly remarkable she has gone that long without being sick,” medical expert Brian Draward said, “We conducted research on her for the past three years to try and validate her claim about the garlic.  We can confirm Ms. Salisbury has successfully beat any and all viral infections including all strains of influenza.  We believe, beyond a doubt, it is due to her consumption of copious amount of garlic.”

The news was initially greeted by anti-vaxxers as a victory against influenza vaccinations but their celebrations were cut short by the additional medical explanation.

“After studying and smelling Ms. Salisbury we realized the garlic was doing nothing internally or medically to help her against the flu,” Draward explained.  “It was the social isolation and the lack of any and all meaningful human contact resulting from her overwhelming odour.”

Experts compared Salisbury’s scent to that of a dead animal being masked by rancid garlic stuck in a teen’s shoe.

“This woman avoided human contact that would result in the spread of the virus by remaining over ten feet away from everyone else,” Draward shared.  “During the study our team had to utilize masks and breathing apparatus to deal with Ms. Salisbury.”

The single 42-year-old woman lives alone and is okay with the absence of significant human contact as long as it keeps the flu at bay.

“I’m kind of an introvert anyway,” Salisbury said via cell phone.  “I’m the healthiest person I know.”

While effective for keeping viruses away from her, Salisbury laments the loss of romance in her life as in-person dating is no longer possible.

“I’m just dating online now, looking for a special someone who eats as much garlic as I do so,” Salisbury shared.

She has found some potential garlic mates in Slovakia and Poland but since sailing is the only travel option, she has not been able to take her relationships to the next level.

Scientists estimate it would take about eighteen months for the smell to leave Salisbury so she could interact like a typical person with coffee breath.

“I might opt for the vaccine yet but I’ve been by myself for so long I’m not sure I care.  As long as my cats still don’t mind I’ll be happy.”

Notice to readers/ disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation and disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While the fear of the flu and accompanying vaccines are real along with garlic, this story was made up and is not real. Please do not try to fool your friends or yourself into thinking this is a real news story.  That would make you similar to Donald Trump and nobody is comfortable with that comparison.  Remember to treat satire and humour like the consumption of garlic and exercise extreme caution when doing so.

Photo Credit – Michael Whitney