Canada sends Mennonite people packing.

Canada Sending Mennonites Packing – Manitoba Political Leader Part Of Upcoming Exodus

WINNIPEG, MB –

A recent federal government probe into the citizenship status of hundreds of second generation Mennonites lead Ottawa to revoke its original invitation to all Mennonite people dating as far back as the 18th century.

“We were looking at the whole citizenship issue of Mennonites from South America when we started looking at the whole Menno-thing,” federal government spokesperson Elvira Gauthier said.  “Modern Canada might not be the best fit for Mennonites.  We think it is best they leave.”

Originally, Mennonites were allowed and invited to come to Canada to escape revolutions in Russia and the U.S.A.  At first, it was a win-win situation with Canada needing settlers and farmers and Mennonites needing a sanctuary to avoid persecution and military participation.  Today it is seen as an uncomfortable arrangement.

“Things have settled down in Russia lately so we don’t see any reason why they can’t go back,” Gauthier said.  “As a government we are growing weary of their aversion to military duty.  It was a pain during both world wars and, if we end up having to get into it with the U.S.A. at some point, we can’t have a huge group opting out again.”

The plan is for all Mennonites originating from Russia, Mexico and South America to start returning home by the end of the year.  Mennonites who came to Canada from the United States during the American Revolution will not be deported as it has been deemed unsafe to return.  Once political stability returns to the U.S.A. the green light will be given to them to go back.

Members of Parliament who are Mennonite will also be required to leave, including Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader, Murphy Braun.  Braun’s maiden name is Klippenstein, a family coming from Prussia in the late 1800’s.

“I think it is good for Canada,” Portager Pat Perkins said.  “I don’t mind the Mennonites.  They did a lot of good, but times up I guess.”

An abundance of agricultural land in Southern Ontario and across the prairies along with valuable real estate in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia will be repatriated during the upcoming migration.

“We took a lot of land from First Nations during the homesteading program of the late 1800’s and early 1900’s and gave it to immigrants like the Mennonites,” Gauthier explained.  “With them gone we can settle most of the outstanding land claims and get the First Nations off our backs.  This will be really good for Canada.

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites have become successful farmers, entrepreneurs and some have even become political leaders and musicians.

“The original intent of the government was to have them stay on reserves and remain marginalized and isolated,” Gauthier reasoned.  “We didn’t expect them to go beyond the original Mennonite reserves and start dominating the culture and society in many jurisdictions.  They are an enterprising group for sure.  I’m sure they will be just as successful back in Russia and South America.”

Leaders from Russia, Mexico, Bolivia, Belize, and Paraguay have all signed agreements to welcome their Mennonites back.

C.I.P.P.-TV did not include interviews from any actual Mennonites because they were upset and negative and our mandate as a station is to provide a positive reflection of our community.

“The government will be happy to get rid of Mennonite representatives like Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun because they share a strange right-wing, pseudo-religious perspective that is sympathetic to the American Regime,” Gauthier said.  “It’s odd, they are pacifists but support gun ownership, are pro-Israel and are comfortable with America’s military agenda.”

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites en masse have moved from a secluded religious existence to a more toned down secular life-style while maintaining an awkward spiritual aloofness and moral superiority.  This has made them more widely accepted by Canadian society without being fully integrated.

“Mennonites are part of Canada’s rich cultural history and we wish them the best in their new-old home,” Gauthier said.  “Those countries, fortunate enough to welcome them back, will come to enjoy their odd but hard-working and enterprising ways.”

Canada will miss Mennonite expertise in running thrift stores and making quilts but the elimination of their contributions to the countries culinary landscape will be welcomed.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional and satirical reality of this story and website.  There is also more legal ramblings to savour.  Fictional means made up, not real.  Satirical means “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Mennonites are not being deported, well not all of them, yet.  Some might be but it is unlikely but we digress.  This website is completely fictional and satirical so do not share this on social media thinking you’ve found proof of a conspiracy against Mennonites.  This website means no harm and wishes no ill on Mennonites, Hutterites, The Amish or any other religious and ethnic group.  We reserve the right to make fun of Mennonites because some the writers of this site may in fact, be Mennonite.  Obviously, we are not good Mennonites but that is not being offered up for debate.  Debating is not for Mennonites, we simply preach, judge and move on.  See, a judgy comment to prove our point.  Oba Yo!

Photo credit – Ted Eytan

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Gun violence and mass shootings cause Canada to consider travel ban

Mass Shootings Lead To Call For Travel Ban on Americans

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A group of political activists have convince local political leaders to pressure the federal government to institute a travel ban on Americans coming to Canada and to prohibit Canadians from going to the U.S.A.

“There has been a mass shooting every nine out of ten days in the United States for the past several years,” lobbyist Mabel Granger said.  “With the amount of heavily armed people committing these kinds of heinous acts we don’t feel it’s safe to let them travel here or for Canadians to go to the United States.”

A recent report indicates the Las Vegas massacre was the 273rd mass shooting in the first 275 days of 2017 and there have been 1,516 mass shootings in the last 1,735 days (click here to see full report).  There is also an estimated 265 million guns in the U.S.A. that is enough to arm every adult American.

“While many Americans are kind and peaceful the facts show many are heavily armed and potentially violent,” Granger said.  “They clearly don’t share our values and should not be allowed to come here with their violent beliefs.”

The group wants the travel ban in place by the end of the year and fear American styled terrorism could spread north of the border if the issue is not addressed immediately.

“We realize Canada has had some mass shootings but we don’t want that to increase by letting Americans we know little about, other than they share a violent, gun-loving culture, coming here and influencing Canadians or attacking them.”

Granger’s group suggests that most of Canada’s mass shootings may have been influenced by the constant exposure to American television and culture.  A ban on American television, movies, books and music is something the group will be targeting next.  As a television station that relies on U.S. based content, CIPP-TV will not provide any coverage of that portion of their lobby and will quietly distance ourselves from the group when that happens.

“The United States of America might have the most well-armed population in the history of the world and they have shown they like to use their freedom to kill others on a regular basis,” Granger said.  “We can’t let that type of person into Canada and Canadians are not safe while travelling to the U.S.A.  A travel ban is the only option.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about this story and website being satire and purely fictional.  The report and numbers on mass shootings unfortunately is not fiction and all too real.

Photo: Mitch Barrie

Trump Mad At God For Turning Sky Black Across America

Washington, DC –

God inspired Donald Trump to compose a stream of angry tweets today accusing The Almighty of siding with The Media, Fake News and the Alt-left.

At issue is the fact God blocked the sun with the moon from coast to coast across the U.S.A. today, turning day into night. President Donald Trump took exception and fired up Twitter to share his displeasure with The Lord.

“God is suppose to remain neutral. LOVE everybody. NOT take SIDES like Fake News,” one tweet stated.

“IF God does this, very terrible, we can’t trust HIM. Get off the money,” another tweet said.

“I thought firing Steve Bannon would make Him happy. Now this. Too much division.”

Trump’s rage indicates a steadfast and defiant tone with God over the perceived opposition.

“Why would HE listen to these very bad Alt-Left losers trying to divide our great country?”

“Is God in charge of the Fake News too? @God @Jesus #truthwillsetusfree #satan.”

President Trump in his typical diplomatic style threatened to take immediate action against God. Trump is drafting an executive order to ban the song “God Bless America” and to have the phrase “In God we trust removed from American money.

In the face of the Holy snub, Donald Trump is looking at how to reduce God’s influence in the United States. A travel ban on Muslims may be expanded to a trade and travel ban on Muslims, Jews and Christians with the details still to be worked out.

God declined to comment on whether the solar eclipse was intended to be a political statement or if He was showing support to the Alt-Left. 

White House officials did confirm they were installing an enhanced system of lightning rods in and around the White House to help protect the president.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about this story being satirical and fictional. In fact, the whole website is such. Please read, enjoy and share responsibly. 

Photo:  motjetom- https://www.flickr.com/photos/51588321@N06/

Trump Doesn’t Think About Canada But Likes Portage la Prairie Because “They’re Republicans” – “Could Be Our 51st State”

Washington, D.C. – 

Political pundits and journalists quickly condemned President Donald Trump for his comments about Canada in relation to NAFTA this week.

A transcript revealed President Trump was not concerned about his trade relationship with Canada and went as far as to say, “So we do not even have to worry about Canada, we do not even think about them.”  The final remark ruffled the feathers and hurt the ego of many Canadians.

Yesterday, CIPP-TV accessed unreliable sources making unsubstantiated claims that Donald Trump has admitted he thinks about Canada more than he originally claimed.  Leaked information from fictional White House staff indicate The President is particularly fascinated with one part of Canada, Portage la Prairie.

“I like it.  I love it,” Trump possibly said about the small but impressive City of Portage la Prairie, Manitoba.  “It’s the only place up there that tried to be American,” Trump said.  “They were a republic, like the U.S.A.  Great idea, fantastic people.  On the right track.”

Trumps comments refer to the rich history of Portage la Prairie and the fact it was the capital of The Republic of Manitobah from 1867-68, long before Manitoba became part of Canada.  The fact Portage’s right-wing political roots go back that far and the regions preference was to become a republic like the United States puts it in high regard with the current President.

“Unbelievable, Portage la Prairie was way ahead of its time, fantastic.  If they would have stuck with it, who knows, they could have been our 51st state.  They wouldn’t have to come here for health care and jobs.”

While the majority of Portagers appreciated the attention and presidential compliments, others in Canada are concerned about Trump’s true intentions.

“Any place like Portage la Prairie.  They have Republican roots.  It’s in their DNA. Would be welcome to be part of our great republic of the United States of America.

With no current separation movement apparent in the Portage area officials in Ottawa are not too worried about the Central Plains region leaving Canada even it the concept is agreeable to the President.

“Portage is great, fabulous.  I’ve never been there but I’m sure its fantastic.  We’d be open to the Republic of Manitobah becoming a state someday.”

The invitation does not include all off Manitoba and has some stipulations.

“We’re talking the hard-working people of Portage, High Bluff, Oakville, Brandon, Winkler, Altona and Morden.  They would be proud Republicans.  We don’t want all the left-leaning Winnipeggers and their fake-news media.”

“We could make Manitobah great again.”

Thomas Spence was successful in convincing locals in joining his republic in 1867 but there is no known current leader although CIPP-TV believes a Lawrence Spence May have something to do with a new republic based on evidence from a recent documentary.  Click here to view documentary on Republic of Manitobah.

 

Notice to readers – this is a fictional/satire story and website.  Click here to read all about that.  For those who can’t function that please note fictional indicates it is not real.  We are not a fake news site  We are not trying to trick or mislead.  We believe it is obvious we are trying to be funny and possibly entertaining.  We do not accept responsibility for anyone’s lack of ability to understand or for an absence of humour.  Please read and share responsibly.

Photo: Gage Skidmore – https://www.flickr.com/photos/gageskidmore/

 

Here is the first 7 minutes of the documentary “The Republic” based on the Republic of Manitobah.

THE REPUBLIC – first 7 minutes from william plenty on Vimeo.