Parents can no longer enjoy the same lifestyle and ability to spend as their children

Parents Can Now Only Dream About Having Their Teen’s Lifestyle & Spending Power

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Forget the Jones’, moms and dads are finding it harder to keep up with the kid’s lifestyles than ever before according to new government stats.

7 out of 10 parents, or 70% of adults with children can no longer afford the lifestyle their kids enjoy.

“We found that the disposable income of working adult parents has not kept up with the spending of their corresponding children,” head statistician Genevieve Meeches said.  “Even kids at home with no jobs are getting to spend more on items like eating out, clothes, entertainment and vacations than their parents.”

The government is promising to look at economic assistance programs and tax breaks to help parents close the wealth gap with their children.

On average, a teen living at home spends $1,232.00 a month on items solely for their own enjoyment and entertainment while the average parent spends $378 on the same things.

“Children are enjoying unprecedented levels of wealth when it comes to disposable income,” Meeches explained.  “Essentially all the money they have they get to spend on themselves while parents have the unfortunate burden of mortgages, car payments, tuition, utilities, credit card bills and repair bills.”

The report shows parents now have to say no to things like eating out, spending money on entertainment and must drive older vehicles just to survive.  Many times parents are forced to save for things their children freely enjoy.

The economic gap between the spending power of teens and their parents is at an all-time high and growing each year.

“If the government doesn’t step in to help parents they may soon never be able to afford the lifestyle so many teens enjoy,” Meeches warned.

“As a parent of three teenagers I have felt the pain of not being able to do the things I see my kids do every week,” Portage la Prairie parent Jules Vernon explained.  “We just can’t go to all the parties, concerts and wear the latest clothes anymore.  It does hurt that we see our kids be able to do these things while we can’t. ”

“It’s not fair at all,” Portager Peter Rasmussen offered.  “People living under the same roof shouldn’t have to endure such wealth disparity.  It’s time the government did something to correct this.”

“I wish I had it as good as my kids,” mother of two, Tracy Bergson said.  “I work 60 hours a week and get to spend about fifty bucks on myself.  My kids go to school when they feel like it and spend about 250 dollars a week on food and video games.”

Parents in Portage la Prairie are considering staging protests to raise awareness.  A march and sit in will call on all levels of government to act to close the gap.

“Some might say the parents have caused the problem themselves by giving their children so much without expecting them to earn money themselves but that would be an oversimplification,” Meeches said.  “This is a complex problem with many layers and issues to look at.  Kids have a certain expectation nowadays and there are severe social pressures.  This problem will take a long time and an abundance of money to solve.”

Photo Credit – Eric E. Castro

Notice to readers – Click here to read the full disclaimer, disclosure and other well fleshed out legal statements.  If you are confused about the fictional and satirical nature of the story and website then you may be in trouble on many levels.  This means what you have read is made up, not real, fanciful intended for your delight and entertainment.  The authors of this and other stories find them funny.  We acknowledge others may not find them humourous at all.  You can be guaranteed the creators of the website found the idea for the story funny and perhaps the entire article.  Please give your kid a hug today if your are troubled by the content you have just consumed.  Kids are people too.  Let’s all work together to close the economic gaps in our own homes.  Pay your taxes, walk your dog, feed the fish and stop complaining so much.  Negativity is bad for your health. Long live the Queen.

 

 

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Digital trauma while using cell phones and electronic devices can cause sever nosebleeds

Digital Trauma Leading Cause Of Nose Bleeds In Teens and Millennials Says Health Study

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Emergency rooms and doctors are experiencing a spike in the number of nosebleed cases caused by cell phone use combined with digital trauma.

A recent health study found that excessive scrolling on social media causes teens and millennials to probe orifices mindlessly, primarily the nose, with their fingers.

“We are treating increased number of young people for nose bleeds resulting from digital trauma,” survey author Frank Middleton explained.  “While on electronic devices they are inserting one or several fingers into their nose to remove mucus.  Noses weren’t built for that type of penetration so the lining is being torn and begins to bleed.”

Hungry for the salty and sticky delight of snot, millennials appear to prefer the taste of their own mucus while viewing social media posts.  

“There seems to be something about looking at these electronic devices that causes them to pick their noses and eat the snot,” Middleton said.  “We’ve seen repeat visits to E.R.’s for bleeds that are prolonged and for resulting infections.”

Digital trauma happens when fingers are inserted into orifices to the point of injury.  The nose is particularly prone to injury due to accessibility.

“Generally the nose is the main point of treatment.  In some circumstances we have seen digital trauma to other orifices but the cases are rare due to fact they are not as easy to access.”

Health officials warn smart phone users to be mindful of what their free hand and fingers are doing while they scroll and suggest parents warn their children when they see fingers being inserted into nostrils.

“Snot can be a tasty treat but digital trauma has serious long-term health implications,” Middleton said.  “It can cause the permanent expansion of the nostrils and rhino structure the can require plastic surgery to correct.”

“If you do have to remove mucus from your nose please use your pinky finger and only wipe the snot from the edge of the nose.  Never at any point, insert a finger into your nose past the first knuckle.  Instead, blow the snot down with a large breath exhaled through the nostrils.  Most of the time this will bring the mucus to the top lip where it can be easily licked up and enjoyed.”

Health studies, as the one above, are accurate 19 times out of 20 and referred by 4 out of 5 doctors.  This is like the 20th time and the 5th doctor.

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and other legal and such details.  Basically, this is not real and we want to warn you in case you didn’t pick up on that while reading the above and other articles.  It is amazing how some claim to have read the whole article and this disclaimer but still seem to act as if they believe this and other stories are real.  If you don’t experience humour while reading these stories then you likely aren’t getting it.  If you are mad then you are definitely not getting it.  Don’t say we didn’t tell you and don’t bother emailing us about it.  You can comment on the bottom of this story.  As long as it is not vulgar, we will approve it so everyone else can read what you think.  Imagine the whole world on the internet being able to read what you think about this story and website.  I bet you are intoxicated by this notion.  Well then, go ahead comment and share your insights and wisdom with the world.  Remember Bobby Gladstone loves you.  Be good to one another and to pick it, lick it and stick it.

Photo Credit – Eli Christman

Local seniors are downing hydrogen peroxide in higher and higher concentrations

Hydrogen Peroxide Drinking Seniors Surpass Stupidity Of Tide Pod Eating Teens 

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

Maude and Jim McIntyre had to rush their grandson to the hospital to have his stomach pumped after he consumed a laundry pod during a drinking party six months ago.  Last weekend Joel McIntyre had to rush his grandfather to the E.R. after he downed some hydrogen peroxide.

“Gramps is on a health kick and has been sipping the peroxide for a few months now and he said he was feeling better,” Joel McIntyre explained.  “He was shooting the 3% stuff until Gramma found him some 10% stuff from her church buddies.”

The McIntyres are part of a growing group of senior citizens experimenting with hydrogen peroxide for health and recreational purposes even though all medical and scientific evidence advises strongly against ingestion.

“Drinking hyrodgen peroxide can cause severe throat and stomach irritation,” Medical Expert Peter Stephens said.  “In higher concentrations the oxygen bubbles that are released in the stomach can cause embolisms resulting in heart attacks, strokes and death.  No one should be drinking this stuff but we are seeing more and more seniors getting hooked.”

Despite being mature adults most of the peroxide drinking seniors we spoke with are angry with recent initiatives to thwart access to the substance and pleas for them to stop ingesting it.

“Locally we will have to work with retailers to put this product behind the counter and ask that it not be sold to seniors,” Stephens said.  “It seems at their stage in life they just don’t have the tools and ability to assess the danger of what they are doing.”

“Sure, I got real drunk and ate a Tide Pod on a dare but I would never in my right mind drink peroxide,” Joel McIntyre said.  “They’ll have to ban this substance and put some stiffer penalties in place to stop the seniors from doing this stuff.  It’s already getting out of hand.

E.R. rooms are packed with seniors looking for a magic health elixir and those simply out for the thrill of having oxygen bubbles entering their blood stream at an unhealthy rate.

“I’ve been drinking peroxide for years and I’m as healthy as a horse,” 63-year-old Brian Roland said.  “I drink it four times a day but I don’t get into the high concentrated stuff.”

“I don’t trust doctors and scientists because they like to lie to us about these kinds of things,” Margaret Stead.  “My Aunt Susie, the fellow at the health food store and the Ukrainian lady who lives next door are my ‘go to’ sources for health care advice.  Who needs doctors?”

Stead’s sentiment is widely shared by a growing group of senior citizens.  While some are looking to gain alleged and unproven health benefits others are looking for thrills and notoriety.

“The guys in my apartment block try to out do each other with how much we can drink,” Ray Wiebe said.  “Frank drank so much he went a little crazy and had to go to the hospital and Dave drank some 35% stuff and his gut puffed up like a balloon before he had to go to the emergency room.  But it was all fun.  They are both okay now so what’s the harm?”

No different from laundry detergent pods, hydrogen peroxide is not suitable for internal use and all medical experts agree no one should swallow either substance.

 

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read a full disclaimer and explanation along with finding links to incredibly interesting legal information.  Please do not eat laundry detergent of any kind because it is bad for you.  Please do not drink hydrogen peroxide as it too is bad for you.  Both could make you very sick and possibly kill you.  Still we know some people will insist on participating in this risky behaviour but CIPP-TV supports nothing but abstaining from ingesting these products.  This story and website are fictional and satirical in nature and origin.  They are not real.  Please read and share accordingly and responsibly.

Photo Credit – Carlton Browne