Digital trauma while using cell phones and electronic devices can cause sever nosebleeds

Digital Trauma Leading Cause Of Nose Bleeds In Teens and Millennials Says Health Study

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Emergency rooms and doctors are experiencing a spike in the number of nosebleed cases caused by cell phone use combined with digital trauma.

A recent health study found that excessive scrolling on social media causes teens and millennials to probe orifices mindlessly, primarily the nose, with their fingers.

“We are treating increased number of young people for nose bleeds resulting from digital trauma,” survey author Frank Middleton explained.  “While on electronic devices they are inserting one or several fingers into their nose to remove mucus.  Noses weren’t built for that type of penetration so the lining is being torn and begins to bleed.”

Hungry for the salty and sticky delight of snot, millennials appear to prefer the taste of their own mucus while viewing social media posts.  

“There seems to be something about looking at these electronic devices that causes them to pick their noses and eat the snot,” Middleton said.  “We’ve seen repeat visits to E.R.’s for bleeds that are prolonged and for resulting infections.”

Digital trauma happens when fingers are inserted into orifices to the point of injury.  The nose is particularly prone to injury due to accessibility.

“Generally the nose is the main point of treatment.  In some circumstances we have seen digital trauma to other orifices but the cases are rare due to fact they are not as easy to access.”

Health officials warn smart phone users to be mindful of what their free hand and fingers are doing while they scroll and suggest parents warn their children when they see fingers being inserted into nostrils.

“Snot can be a tasty treat but digital trauma has serious long-term health implications,” Middleton said.  “It can cause the permanent expansion of the nostrils and rhino structure the can require plastic surgery to correct.”

“If you do have to remove mucus from your nose please use your pinky finger and only wipe the snot from the edge of the nose.  Never at any point, insert a finger into your nose past the first knuckle.  Instead, blow the snot down with a large breath exhaled through the nostrils.  Most of the time this will bring the mucus to the top lip where it can be easily licked up and enjoyed.”

Health studies, as the one above, are accurate 19 times out of 20 and referred by 4 out of 5 doctors.  This is like the 20th time and the 5th doctor.

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and other legal and such details.  Basically, this is not real and we want to warn you in case you didn’t pick up on that while reading the above and other articles.  It is amazing how some claim to have read the whole article and this disclaimer but still seem to act as if they believe this and other stories are real.  If you don’t experience humour while reading these stories then you likely aren’t getting it.  If you are mad then you are definitely not getting it.  Don’t say we didn’t tell you and don’t bother emailing us about it.  You can comment on the bottom of this story.  As long as it is not vulgar, we will approve it so everyone else can read what you think.  Imagine the whole world on the internet being able to read what you think about this story and website.  I bet you are intoxicated by this notion.  Well then, go ahead comment and share your insights and wisdom with the world.  Remember Bobby Gladstone loves you.  Be good to one another and to pick it, lick it and stick it.

Photo Credit – Eli Christman

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Man is proud of ability to know when satire stories are full of BS

Local Man Proud Of Ability To Call BS On Stories From Satire Sites

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

Larry Houle has quite the nose for BS and he is not afraid to tell you about it.  The 45-year-old Portager has gained notoriety in coffee shop circles and on social media for calling out false news.

“I don’t like it when people get tricked with all the misinformation out there,” Larry Houle said.  “We need to point this type of maleficence out and warn people.”

Houle spends much of his day refuting and arguing the “facts” he pulls from online satire sources like, C.I.P.P.-TV, The Beaverton, The Onion and Daily Bonnet in person and online.

“I don’t think he knows what satire means,” Laura Swanson, a life-long friend of Houle said.  “I don’t think he really knows what fiction is either.  If he sees it in print then he thinks it real.  Well I guess not real but something he has to argue about.”

As more of Houle’s friends share stories from these humorous websites he has taken on the role of a crusader of truth in a world of misinformation.

“I’m getting so good at spotting the BS all I have to do is read the headline and I know it’s not right,” Houle shared.  “I don’t get why other people don’t realize these facts are wrong or impossible.  I guess most people are just gullible.”

Houle brags he flagged stories from CIPPTVPortagelaPrairie.com about souls being bought and sold along with a couple needing 28 days to figure out what to watch on Netflix as being BS.  He also accuses The Beaverton and Daily Bonnet of being full of BS and claims he can almost call BS just by the name of the website.

“I don’t know who is writing for these websites but they sure must be mixed up if they believe half of the stuff they write,” Houle said.  “I’m always amazed when my friends fall for it.  What a bunch of morons.”

When confronted with an explanation that the websites he has been flagging are just funny and fictional, meaning made up, he just stared blankly and was not able to verbalize a response.  Despite this, Houle continues to comment on satire articles as being untrue and false.  His number of friends and followers on social media are shrinking quickly.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – if you are a Larry please click here to read all about the truth of this story and website.  If you are a normal person then no need to, you already have a grasp on reality and know this is satire and fictional.  You can debate whether the stories found on this website are funny or not but that is about it.  Long live the Queen!

Photo Credit – Todd C. Morrow

New Years Resolution to get rid of all the fake hoes in her life

Portager Resolves To Eliminate “Fake Hoes” From Her Life In The New Year

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

Rachel Paddock is cutting some dead weight and negative energy from life to start the New Year fresh.  Early in the morning and January 1st she tweeted and posted on Instagram that she was “getting rid of all them damn fake hoes in my life”.

One of the boldest, and most life-altering resolutions of the New Year, blew up on social media with friends, family and associates offering up encouragement and some criticism.  CIPP-TV caught up with Paddock to see how she is doing after making the ill-considered comment while being extremely drunk.

“Some them bitzes are hating on my insta-feed,” Paddock explained.  “Well they ain’t had to endure what I been enduring for the last year.”

After ending a long-term relationship of eight months earlier in the year, Paddock quickly ran into difficulty finding a suitable mate and blames it on some of her friends.

“Those fake hoes were always wheeling my bae so they’d always end up cheating on me,” Paddock shared.  “Even my baby’s daddy got tricked by them hoes.”

Many Portagers weighed in on the social media storm accusing Paddock of being a “fake hoe” herself.

“I ain’t no fake hoe,” Paddock fired back.  “I’m the real deal one hundred per cent.  Any man of mine knows I’m in it for him and I ain’t gonna wheel his bros.”

In the New Year, Paddock hopes to focus on self-improvement and gaining the internal strength and resolve to become the type of person who can secure a long-term, committed relationship.

“With no more fake hoes messing up my life I can finally be the person I always wanted to be,” Paddock said. “I’ve got issues but I need my bitzes to be positive so I can improve.”

Paddock received several comments taking aim at her use of the term hoe and its connection to prostitution.

“I ain’t promoting prostitution.  Everybody knows hoes and skanks don’t have nothing to do with prostitution.  I don’t know what they’re talking ‘bout,” Paddock said.

With eliminating the fake hoes from her life Paddock’s New Year’s resolutions also include regular exercise, reading more and watching less reality T.V.

“I want this year to be all about me and how much better I can make my life,” Paddock explained.  “By this time next year those fake hoes will look and me and be like, wow, look how amazing Rachel is now.  We shouldn’t have been such fake hoes to her.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for full disclaimer.  CIPP-TV and this story are imaginary, fictional and full of shit and satire.  Please read and share often but responsibly.

Photo credit: Melinda

Woman's average family leave her little to brag about on social media desperate, she turns to cults, cats, volunteering and possible local politics for validation.

Social Media Desperation Forces Local Woman To Consider Joining Cult Or Posting Cat Photos For Validation

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Esther Waldheim is waving the white flag of surrender in a social media arms race she no longer has the weapons to compete.

“My kids are all grown up now,” Waldheim admitted.  “Ones doing slightly below average in College while the other has a boring middle-management job.  They give me no sense of pride or identity.  And sadly, they provide me nothing to post.”

The 58 year-old mother of two sons, Eric and Jared, says she has struggled with social media induced anxiety and depression since her children graduated and became adults.

“When they were young, I’d post things about how great they were doing at school all the time.  And when their grades weren’t good I always had their sports to brag about.  But now, I’ve got nothing.”

Waldheim’s friends and relatives still find a steady stream of items to boast about on social media ranging from their husband’s career accomplishments to new grandchildren but Waldheim has been left with little to share online.

“My husband’s job is nothing and I hate mine,” Waldheim bemoaned.  “I’ve gotten so low I’m putting up pictures of my cats.  Pretty soon I’ll have to start sharing religious memes and funny YouTube videos if my kids don’t get their lives together.”

The life-long and downtrodden Portager longs for the time when her children still had potential and laments how they turned out to be boring, average adults.

“I hope they get married and have kids soon,” Waldheim offered.  “I can’t take this for much longer.  Everyone else’s timeline is so much better than mine.  Why did I get stuck with an average family?”

Waldheim is so desperate to find meaning and fulfillment she is considering volunteering at the local soup kitchen or joining a cult.

“I need some kind of validation in my life.  My husband and kids aren’t providing much in the way of support so I might have to go elsewhere to find some kind of justification to live.”

She considered getting into municipal or school board politics but felt, “I’m not quite that desperate for attention and abuse yet.  I’ll try the cult thing first.  If it doesn’t work out I’ll think about running in the fall election.”

Notice to reader/disclaimer – click here to read about the satirical and fictional reality of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  It is imaginary, like CIPP-TV and most of my friends and some of yours.  Please read and share and participate in the joke by playing along but do not try to fool people into thinking this is real.  That is not nice and people will grow to resent you if you do that very often.

Photo Credit –

Coffee shops, beer vendors, social media and gossip voted most reliable news source

New Poll Says Coffee Shops, Beer Vendors & Gossip Most Reliable News Source

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A new poll commissioned by CIPP-TV indicates Portagers have come to rely more on what they hear from friends and associates over that they see and hear from their local media outlets.

“The trend is disturbing because we spend a lot of money, well okay, ‘some’ money on news,”  CIPP-TV owner Ryan Coke said.“To see how few people actually read our stuff is disappointing.

The survey, which is accurate 19 times out of 20, shows 78% of Portagers get their news from coffee shop conversations, what they hear at the beer vendor and from local gossips posting on social media.  Only 10% watch television for their news, 4% listen to radio news, 3% read the local paper regularly and 5% of Portagers admit to having absolutely no idea what is going on.

“We own newspaper, television and radio stations and have combined our news gathering efforts to make them more efficient,” Coke explained.  “I’m at a loss to explain why people would not rely on our constant efforts to re-print press releases and cover local photo ops.  We make great efforts to pander to local business and politicians and do everything we can to make Portage la Prairie a great place to live, work and shop.”

In recent years, local media outlets have cut staff and resources to the point where local coverage amounts to tokenism and in-depth or investigative pieces are never possible.  An easier path of community reflection based on positive spins on all stories is cheaper and more advertiser friendly.

“For sure,” Coke admits.  “We don’t really care about journalism.  At least I don’t.  We just need enough eyeballs to sell enough ads to make a buck.  We don’t want to upset people with anything controversial.  It’s not worth it.”

The decline in media accountability has left Portagers to find their own voice.  Most are finding comfort in complaining when they meet in public and pointing out what they see is wrong with Portage la Prairie.  Local issues are debated and shared over coffee, beer and through vicious social media posts.

“I read some of the mean comments we get,” Coke said.  “I wouldn’t want to read a newspaper or watch a newscast with that kind of negativity.”

Coke Media Systems owns radio, newspaper, television and internet holdings and vows to keep on doing what they are doing despite the results from the poll.

“The CRTC, local government and business community are very happy with us and keep rewarding us so we will keep on doing what we are doing.  Local yocals can hash out their conspiracy theories in their tin foil hats over coffee if they want.  We don’t want any part of digging too deep or holding people accountable.  We just want to make money.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for full disclaimer.  CIPP-TV and this story are imaginary, fictional and full of shit and satire.  Please read and share often but responsibly.

Photo credit: Vegan soldier