Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more than you may want to about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so do not get all upset and thinkin’ it’s real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded, odd friends.  Do not trick other people into believing this is real.  Have fun, stay young, drink Papsi.  Don’t take offense to our making fun of Mennonites.  We are allowed to do that because key members of the staff are part of that gene pool.  We can’t make fun of other races or people groups as easily, although we may take a run at it from time to time.  Call your mom. Adopt a rescue cat.  Look at the trees and wash your hands after you wipe your bum.

 

Portage banishes suspected criminals and complainers

Portage Shipping “Undesirable”  Drug Dealers & Complainers Out Of Town

Portage la Prairie, MB –

If you are suspected of dealing drugs, stealing, vandalism or if you are just downright annoying, you might be getting a one-way ticket out of Portage la Prairie.

The citizens and leaders of the picturesque prairie city have a full-proof plan to shed itself of unwanted problems and headaches.

“If you want to commit crimes and be a pest then we don’t want you around anymore,” Citizens for Shunning and Ex-communication and Uninviting spokesperson Ingrid Timmins said.  “We think we know who is selling drugs and stealing stuff.  We’re tired of waiting for the Police and courts to prove it.  If we think you’re up to no good you’ll be gone.”

Andre Bettons is the first person banished from Portage for allegations of selling illegal drugs and a rash of break and enters.  None of these claims have been proven in court nor has Bettons been officially charged with any offence.

“They just came to my apartment the other night and told me I had to get out and I wouldn’t be allowed back,” Bettons shared.  “I was a little strung out and hung over when they came by or I would have asked more questions.  I didn’t think they could do stuff like that.”

An angry mob with torches escorted Bettons to the bus depot and put him on the earliest bus to Winnipeg.

“We hope this sends a message to others that we are not putting up with negative behavior in our city anymore,” Timmins explained.  “We have a few more people we’ll be kicking out soon as well.”

According to local officials, Portage la Prairie has no serious crime issue but the act of kicking citizens out for unwanted behaviour is here to stay.  They state the practise of removing people or shunning them from the broader society is common among cultural sub-groups in the area like Mennonites, Hutterites and some First Nations people.

“This will send a clear message to the undesirables that their time is just about up in Portage la Prairie,” Timmins said.  “It’s time to shape up or ship out.”

Bettons admits he was “up to no good” most of the time but feels the group might be going too far.

“I thought we had human rights that I could hide behind,” Bettons said.  “Sure I might be a dealer, but they can do the same to someone who is innocent.  They could start kicking out people they just don’t like.”

Ironically, the group agrees with Bettons argument.

“We won’t just limit our expulsions to criminal activity,” Timmins offered.  “Once we get the crime taken care of we will start shedding our community of the nay-sayers and complainers too.  They are the biggest problem here because they are so annoying.  If we don’t find you desirable then you are undesirable and subject to banishment.”

The CSEU is putting together a comprehensive list of undesirable people they hope to get rid of by the end of next year.

“I will give fair warning to some of the people going on the list,” Timmins said.  “Don’t complain about things or talk negatively about Portage or you will be removed.  You have a few months use your social media to promote all the great things that are happening in Portage.  Good things won’t happen to those who ignore this warning.”

Several neighbouring communities have expressed concern about problem Portage people heading to their town.  Many of these jurisdictions are looking at putting a ban on Portagers from coming into the municipality for any reason.

CSEU is recommending people with ugly haircuts, an affection for jazz, those wearing unkempt clothing and having body odour or bad breath be eventually banished as well.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  That means this is not real.  What community would ever be allowed to do such a crazy thing like this?   Nothing like this could even happen in the real world.  Please read and share responsibly.

Photo Credit:  Janice Waltzer