University research team discovers source of smell in Gladstone Arena washroom

Researchers Identify Source Of Smell In Gladstone Rink As 1970’s Urine

GLADSTONE, MB – 

For decades, arena attenders have marvelled at the scent emanating from the cozy urinals in the men’s washroom at the Gladstone rink and they are delighted to know researchers at the University of Manitoba identified the source.

“It’s such a familiar smell,” Herb Friesen of Westbourne said.  “Every time I go to there I get a whiff and it takes me back to the good old days of going to the Lakers’ games with dad and Uncle Sam.”

The odour is widely viewed as nostalgic by many Happy Rock rink regulars.

“It smells like victory to me,” Brian Watson of Gladstone said.  “It takes me back to the last time the Lakers won a championship in the mid 90’s.”

Despite over 40 years of cleaning efforts, the sanitation crews in Gladstone were never successful in ridding the rink of the smell.  While not overpowering, the scent has permeated nostrils and drawn criticism of visiting hockey fans for years.

“I can’t stand the smell in the Gladstone shitter,” Marvin Metcalfe of MacGregor shared.  “I take a big gasp of air as I walk in and slowly exhale while I take a leak to try to avoid the stench.”

“I thought that was just how Gladstone smelled,” Emily Broadbank of Neepawa said.  “The whole town kind of smells like that.  I notice it’s quite a bit stronger in the men’s washroom but I don’t go in there that often so I never complain.

A local faculty of science student, Chase McLean decided to study the smell as part of a university study into the origins of scent.

“All my life I heard people talk about the smell in the men’s washroom so when I became part of this research team I suggested we try to find the source,” McLean said.  “It’s the only washroom in the study but it was rewarding to get some answers for my hometown.”

The results reveal the odour is from a sampling of adult male urine from the mid to late 1970’s that contained high levels of alcohol and various prescription medicines.  The offending urine managed to spill onto and penetrate the floors, walls and ceiling in the washroom, making surface cleaning ineffective in eliminating the scent.

“It seems to be a powerful cocktail of urine with a perfect storm of booze and meds combining to create something timeless,” McLean explained.  “Its comparable to a combination of chicken excrement, tomcat spray and skunk scent but with more staying power.”

Now that the Gladstone Arena is aware the scent can only be removed by demolition of removal of the hard material it has decided to forgo that process and not bother with future surface cleaning.

Rink officials say the smell is part of the history and culture of the rink and plan on installing a plaque to explain the source.

“With talk of building a new rink someday I sure hope we can find a way to save a piece of the wall so it can be put on display,” Watson said.  “It is good for people to stay in touch with the past.  Smells have a powerful way of bringing back memories and emotions.  We shouldn’t lose that.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and find links to even more legal rhetoric on the fictional, fanciful and satirical nature of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  Gladstone is real.  The Gladstone rink is real.  However, the rest of the story is made up.  Although there have been real rumours of an odour in the male washroom this website does not imply or believe that Gladstone smells anything but wonderful, even in the rink.

Photo credit – Don Zak’s Soil Lab University of Michigan

 

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Junior B team tries to run goalie after getting down by 9

Junior B Hockey Team Tries To Win Game By Running Opposition Goalie When Down By 9 

ST. CLAUDE, MB –

The St. Claude Voyageurs of the Manitoba Junior B Hockey League sent a strong and clear message last night in a game they lost 11-1 to the Roland Pumpkin Express.  With only three minutes left in the second period Pumpkin Express forward and captain Gord Klassen rifled a shot past St. Claude goalie Mark Toth to put Roland up 9-0.  Following the ensuing faceoff Voyageur right-winger Josh Wexford took the puck hard to the net, intentionally knocking Roland goalie Peter Schroeder to the ice while sending the net flying.

“I wanted to get my team fired up, get them going, get us back in the game,” Josh Wexford told C.I.P.P. TV’s “Get The Puck Out” after the game.  “We needed a spark so I did what I could.”

Wexford found himself on the losing end of a fight and saddled with a 3 game suspension.

“Wexy was a real team player,” Voyageur Head Coach Brian Hannah said.  “We got down 9-0 and needed to try to get us back in the game.”

Voyageur coaches and players were unable to explain how hitting a vulnerable goalie would help them get back in a game they had no chance to win, leading many to speculate the move was just one of spite and revenge.

“Sure we had fewer shots than they did goals by that point but I like Wexy’s heart and thirst to win.  He has great compete,” Hannah said.  “The only thing we were trying to get even was the score.”

The controversial move did result in St. Claude breaking Schroeder’s shutout bid with Jacques Brouseau scoring on a breakaway late in the third period when Roland was no longer even trying and playing mostly third and forth line players.

“I think we really showed the hometown fans and the league what we’re all about,” Hannah said.  “It’s doesn’t matter if it’s 1-0 or 9-0 we’ll capable of doing whatever it takes to win.”

With only 2 wins so far this season St. Claude has certainly shown they regularly don’t show up to play until the score is out of hand and they have no chance to win.  A point coach Hannah disagrees with.

“You never know.  That could have been the spark to help us score ten goals in under 25 minutes of hockey,” Hannah pointed out.  A task they haven’t been able to accomplish in over three seasons having only scored a maximum of 4 goals in any one game in that time.

St. Claude has tried running the opposition players from behind, sucker punching, squirting Gatorade at the refs and delivering vicious two-handers over opposing player’s heads all in hopes of coming back from being down by large amounts.

“We are really trying to work with these young men and install in them the type of character it takes to win in hockey,” Hannah said.  “This isn’t kiddie play time, this is Junior B hockey and our players know what’s on the line.”

Rarely, if ever, do Junior B players older than 17 ever make to professional levels of hockey so at best, the majority of St. Claude’s players will go on to play Senior hockey and recreational beer leagues.

“Part of our recruiting pitch is that we have a long list of players who have gone on to a few senior leagues around the province and many more who have become stars on their late-night beer league teams,” Hannah explained.  “Our boys really get the drinking beer thing down during their time with us.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  You really shouldn’t need an explanation to realize this story is fictional.  Fictional means made up in case you were about to google the word fictional.  But by all means read the disclaimer and then read the additional legal information if you are confused at all.  We created these links because scientist have failed to find a cure for stupid.  Until they do we are forced to treat the symptoms with explanations like this.  Ya.

Photo Credit – Mark Mauno

Senior Hockey Star for Oakville Seals gets try out with Winnipeg Jets

Local Senior Hockey Star Gets NHL Shot With Injury To Winnipeg Jets’ Scheifele

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Rinks around Southern Manitoba are buzzing over the prospect of a star player from our own backyard getting a shot at the NHL.

When the Winnipeg Jets lost one of their top players to injury, Tyler Murray was poised to make the most the opportunity.

“I’ve been dedicated to getting better and refining my game just in case something like this would happen,” Murray explained.  “Even though I was never drafted I felt if I worked hard I could be one of those late bloomers who make it.”  Murray was passed over in the bantam draft for the WHL and MJHL and never heard his name called in either of his NHL draft years.

A star in Portage Minor Hockey, regional AAA teams, high school, the Keystone Junior B Hockey League, Manitoba Junior Hockey League and Manitoba Major Junior Hockey League, Murray has increased his offensive output and learned to be a two hundred foot player while playing for several Senior A teams over the last four years.

“Right now I’m averaging about 1.4 goals per game and I’m like a plus 20 or something,” Murray said of his current season with the Oakville Seals of the Central Senior Hockey League.  “I feel I’m playing my best hockey right now.”

Coaches and team mates agree Murray is ready to make the jump from Senior hockey to the NHL.

“We have lots of guys in our league who have been junior stars and a few who have played pro and right now Murr is the best player in the league and the biggest pain in the ass,” Player/Coach Robert Morse said.  “During the last NHL lock out we had a couple of NHLers play with us and Murray is just as good as them and he doesn’t stop telling us.”

While Murray has not yet signed a professional try out contract with the Jets, he is confident he’ll get a look to replace the Jet’s injured top centre.

The Winnipeg Jets confirmed they have not been in talks with Murray about a try out or contract but Murray isn’t worried as he hopes to get something done with the club over the next couple days.

“They practise out of the Ice-Plex in Headingley so I’ve booked ice right before their next practice,” Murray shared.  “Once they see what I can do I’ll likely just stick around for their practice and go from there.”

“Right now I’m a UFA(unrestricted free agent) so I can demand a lot on the open market,” Murray said.  “I’m pretty sure the Jets will be fair with me.”

The development arc for Murray has been impressive.  In AAA bantam for the Central Plains Capitals he put up a mere 12 points in 37 games, but by the time he made the Portage High School team he put up 27 points in 24 games.  From there he was invited to Junior A camps but opted for the Manitoba Major Junior League’s Pembina Thrashers before being traded to the Stonewall Jets.  Despite being held pointless in his first full season he managed to find a spot with the Neepawa Natives of the Manitoba Junior Hockey League where he put up 25 goals in 50 games.  The following season he split his time between St. Malo of the KJHL and River East of the MMJHL.  A veteran of almost every hockey league in Manitoba, Murray feels the adversity has prepared the 25 year-old for what is next.

“While other guys my age slow down and stop working out, I’ve ramped it up.  I train 12 months a year and I rent my own ice 6 times a week.  That’s why I’m so sick.”

The Oakville Seals will miss their rising star if he makes the big club.

“With him in the line up we’re pretty good,” team-mate Bradley Posner said.  “Most of the guys don’t really give a shit if we win, but Murr is always going a hundred and twenty per cent.  He kind of belongs at a higher level with that type of mindset.  I get tired of listening to him chisel points so the break will be nice.”

“Sure I like to win,” Murray said.  “But in senior hockey, a lot of times it’s the team that is sober who wins so a lot of the time I just go out for points.”

“I put together a little highlight package of my better goals this year and I’ll give that to Chevy(Jets G.M. Kevin Cheveldayoff) and Paul(Jets Head Coach Paul Maurice) after I skate with them but they probably won’t need it.  I’ve been watching their goalies on TV and I’m pretty sure I can exploit them in pracky.”

“I’d love to make the NHL,” Murray shared.  “Not only would it be a dream to play in the best league in the world but it would almost one hundred per cent guarantee I could find a really hot girlfriend.”

CIPP-TV’s “Get The Puck Out” will be following Murray’s progress with the Jets and provide viewers with updates.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  Fiction and Satire are generally sure-fire signs the story is made up and not real.  You’re smart though and already figured that out.  Good for you but this is for the dumb people out there who think Donald Trump and Facebook are real.

Photo Credit:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/mark6mauno/32445922024/in/album-72157679433615780/

Former MJHL hockey star desperately asks "Do you know who I am?"

Barely Recognizable Former Junior Hockey Star Resorts To Using “Do You Know Who I Am”

CARMAN, MB –

He lit up the Manitoba Junior Hockey League for three years as a Portage Terrier and Winkler Flyer, putting up records for goals scored and total points but that was over twenty years and seventy pounds ago and Jesse Anderson is finding it harder to find people who remember his glory days.

“I pretty much dominated the M.J. for three solid years,” Anderson said.  “I averaged over a goal a game and got two rings.  The women wanted to be with me and the men wanted to be me.”

Time has not been kind to the once dominate athlete and fewer people remember the former superstar’s exploits.  In his prime, Anderson could walk into any restaurant or bar in Portage la Prairie or his hometown of Carman and be showered with praise and freebies.

“I don’t think I paid for a drink or a meal for a good ten years,” Anderson recalled.  “I’d get deals on everything from cars to groceries just by showing people my rings and letting them hang out with me.”

Anderson still plays hockey, albeit at a slower pace for the local senior hockey team but he is a shadow of his former self.

“Jesse tells us before every game how he scored over two hundred goals in the M.J.” senior hockey teammate Brian Handford said.  “He can barely skate anymore and we have to set him up in front of the net for him to get a goal.  Most games we healthy scratch him but some of the guys feel sorry for him so he gets in every three or four games.”

Anderson sees his current hockey career a little differently than the rest of his team.

“I help the senior team out when I can.  I’m more of a playing coach and mentor,” Anderson explained.  “They use me as a power play expert but I’m pretty busy with work so I can’t get to as many games as I would like.”

“He shows up every game with his gear, even if we text him to tell him his not dressing,” Handford said.  “He usually tears up when we tell him he can’t play.”

Anderson’s invisibility on the ice extends to his regular life and he has found it hard to cope.

“Last week I was at a restaurant in town and the waitress gave me the bill,” Anderson said.  “I gave her a sly wink and said ‘Don’t you know who I am?”

It turns out she had no idea who Jesse Anderson was or is.

“This fat old guy was trying to hit on me and he started to flip out when I told him I didn’t know who he was or care,” 21 year-old professional server Olivia Thomas said.  “My boss said he kinda remembered him but he was such an arrogant jerk.”

Faced with having to buy his own meals and paying full price for everything Anderson points to what he feels the problem is.

“You know nowadays they just don’t teach enough history.  Kids should be taught about my record-setting career in school it would give them something to work toward and dream about.”

Anderson admits it has been years since any woman, other than his wife, has been impressed by his hockey prowess and the day of the free meal might be over.

“I know it’s kind of in the past,” Anderson said.  “I still find it hard to believe that more people don’t know who I am.  My record still stands and I’m in the Manitoba Hockey Hall of Fame.”

Despite repeated offers to take us on a tour of the Hall of Fame to show us his display CIPP-TV declined and opted to quickly end the interview.  Anderson has sent the station numerous emails of newspaper clippings and stat sheets from his time in junior hockey but we graciously declined to publish them.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional state of this story and website.  That means it’s not real, duh.

Photo Credit: Steam Pipe Truck Distribution Venue