Ryan Coke becomes Portage la Prairie's first imaginary mayor in stunning landslide

Portage Makes History Electing First Imaginary Candidate, Ryan Coke, As Mayor

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE –

Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor.  The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor.

After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and satirical CIPP –TV Channel 116, made up radio stations and newspapers, Coke Media Systems owner, Ryan Coke is Portage’s pick as fanciful Mayor.

“The whole thing has been like a dream,” Ryan Coke shared during his acceptance speech.  “I first got in the race to defeat fellow fictional candidate Billy Neepawa but I had no idea I could beat the real candidates.”

Coke is planning to make Portage great again by fulfilling his campaign promise of getting rid of homeliness in Portage.

“First thing Monday morning I will meet with my new City Hall team and we will begin the process of making Portage more attractive by making the ugly people better looking,” Coke offered.  “I’m a shallow, fabricated owner of a make-believe, fictional media empire. No one knows more about making things seem better than they are than me.”

During the campaign, Coke identified only one issue, homeliness in Portage, while others campaigned on social issues, economic growth, Saskatchewan Avenue development and the bridge to Island Park.  The bridge issue seems to have sunk rivals like Billy Neepawa, who was proposing a tunnel in place of the bridge.

Billy Neepawa did not respond to our request for comment.  He was spotted walking his cats late on election night.

Other losing candidates have filed formal complaints of voting irregularities against the Coke campaign.  Coke openly stated on social media he was voting more than once saying, “I am voting early and often” and referred to Election Day as erection day in an attempt at juvenile humour or out of complete ignorance.

Political rivals are also claiming Coke and Neepawa had unfair advantages being fictional candidates who were not limited to reality in their platforms and promises.  According to Coke’s interpretation of the Municipal Act, there is nothing to disqualify imaginary or fictional candidates from running or serving as mayor. 

Coke’s own employees have spoken out against their boss stating boldly he is generally il-equipped for leadership and of poor character, lacking the judgement needed for the office.  All the staff we spoke to, including the writers of this story, voted for Billy Neepawa and believe Coke will do a terrible job.

“Portagers got suckered in by his made up persona,” CIPP TV Sports Director Marshall Law said.  “I think they fell in love with the novelty of this fictional media mogul and what the imaginary mayor stood for.”

“He does a terrible job running this satirical website,” on air host, Rhianna Meeches shared.  “He doesn’t show up most days and misses meetings and is prone to erratic behavior and manic outbursts.  That seems to be the new trend in politics.  His personality disorders make him a very appealing candidate to conservative voters.”

Ryan Coke will lead his first council meeting next month where he plans on passing several self-serving motions containing no tangible benefit.

Photo Credit – Scott Garner

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional, satirical and at times, humorous nature of this story and website.  Portage la Prairie is a real place where they fry a lot of potatoes, eat a lot of fried chicken, drink a lot of beer, warehouses large numbers of humans and have a charming lake and nice park.  Unlike Portage la Prairie this story and website are fanciful and not real.  This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events and people are purely coincidental and a kwinky-dink.  Not many animals were harmed in the creation of this and other content and we caution that you not attempt to trick others into consuming this as real news, real information or even as fake news.  It is not news.  It is fiction.  Plastic plants are fake.  Please use and abuse this content responsibly.  Do not try this at home.  We assume no responsibility for any injury or loss encountered while reading this or any other story on the website and ancillary media devices.  Call your mom and adopt a rescue cat.  Be nice to the losers in your life and do not chew on your pen.

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Lack of funeral announcements frustrate local senior Udo Dirkschneider

Local Senior Frustrated By Lack of Funeral Announcements On Local Radio Station Launches Formal Complaint 

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Every morning for 20 years, Udo Dirkschneider brews a cup of coffee, makes some toast and sits at his kitchen table at 8:45 am to listen to the funeral announcements on CIPP 980 AM, but lately he has grown frustrated with the radio station.

“Four days in a row for each of the last two weeks there hasn’t been one new funeral announcement,” Irma Dirkschneider, Udo’s wife of 58 years explained.  “Udo got so mad last Wednesday he threw his coffee cup at the radio and broke it.  The cup, not the radio.”

Dirkschneider is complaining CIPP 980 AM has reduced the number and quality of local funeral announcements since it was taken over by Coke Media Services and made part of the Manitoba Broadcast Network.

“It used to be that I could hear a good half-dozen local deaths each morning,” Udo Dirkschneider explained.  “In the last few years they keep cutting back.  Now all I hear is ‘there are not funeral announcements today’.  Well, why the hell not?  There has always been funeral announcements.”

“Udo looks so forward to the deaths each morning,” Mrs. Dirkschneider shared.  “It helps him start his day on a positive note but when the radio station says there isn’t any funeral announcements, it ruins his day.”

The Portage senior is upset with the lack of commitment from the radio station to provide daily local funeral announcements and is taking his complaint to the federal regulator, the CRTC.

“I’ve already called the CRTC and they are going to launch an investigation to get this fixed,” Dirkschneider said.  “980 AM will be in big trouble for short-changing Portage on death announcements.”

CIPP 980 AM owner, Ryan Coke responded to the complaint in a statement.  “CIPP 980 AM provides excellence in local funeral coverage and will continue to do so.  In the event when there are no deaths CIPP will continue to announce there are none.  We feel it is important to remind Portagers that not every day ends in death.”

The CRTC is reviewing the matter but voiced some immediate concerns.  “Mr. Dirkschneider has raised a valid issue.  Over the last number of years, CIPP has been reducing the overall number of funeral announcements and that is troubling for local listeners who rely on the somber segment each morning.  While the station says, it is related to the fact there are no local deaths to announce the CRTC is not convinced this is a legitimate reason.  We’d like to see CIPP step up with more funeral announcements on the days they are now running none.”

Station owner, Ryan Coke promised to look at the matter and discuss it with his news director to see if they can generate more death announcements.

“In the end we have to keep the CRTC happy or they will take away our license,” Coke said.  “Either the death rate will have to increase or we will have to do what it takes to generate daily death notices.”

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal notices.  This story is fictional and satirical as is the website in its entirety.  Humour is not for everyone, please use responsibly.  Fictional means made up, not real while satirical implies funny but this is not always the case.  Warning, not all the stories on this website are funny to all viewers.  Every attempt has been made to achieve a laugh or happy grunt but these attempts are nor always successful.  Please continue to return to this website daily to find our latest stab at tickling you where it makes you chuckle.  Tell your friends about us but please do not share with your mother.  Please follow all the advice of the Canada Food Guide and always wear a condom.  Help a friend, walk a dog, pet a cat and talk to a bird.  Your mother is afraid of us.  You were warned.  Obey the rules of the road and do not light fires.

Photo Credit – Paul Waite

Osgood-Schlatter survivors get help with two new initiatives, Run for the Cure and Take A Knee campaign.

Taking A Knee During Anthems Could Help End Osgood-Schlatter Disease

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

It is a disease that strikes mostly young men in their athletic prime and if mayoral candidate, Ryan Coke, is elected it will be eliminated.

“Osgood-Schlatter is a terrible disease that has shattered many young Portage athlete’s dreams,” Ryan Coke said at a glitzy press conference at Stride Place featuring a bouncy castle and free cotton candy.  “The future is now.  It’s time to find a cure and end this horrible, horrible, deplorable disease.”

Coke is proposing a “run for the cure” featuring those affected by Osgood-Schlatter to raise funds and awareness despite the fact the condition attacks the knees of youth.

“When people see an Osgood-Schlatter sufferer struggle to limp their way through a ten kilometer run they will be moved to give,” Coke shared.  “Not only that, but they will never make fun, or marginalize those with the disease again.”

A second initiative Coke is proposing is the “take a knee for OSD” initiative that will encourage athletes and fans to go to one knee during national anthems to raise awareness for the degenerative knee disease.

“Taking a knee for Osgood-Schlatter during anthems will remind people before every sporting event that there are many out there who find kneeling difficult because of this horrible, horrible disease,” Coke explained.  “We are asking everyone who takes a knee to donate a dollar each time to help support families with children battling OSD.”

Osgood-Schlatter affects 4% of the population and targets boys between 10 and 15.  Many with the condition are unaware until diagnosed by a doctor.

“I had no idea I had Osgood-Schlatter or what it was until my doctor said those horrible, horrible words,” OSD survivor Zac Harder said.  “I went to see the doctor with sore knees and I came out of his office with Osgood-Schlatter.  I’m lucky to have come through it all.”

Harder was a promising baseball and hockey player but had to settle for beer-league greatness instead of making the pros.  “I could have made the show if it wasn’t for Osgood-Schlatter and perhaps, a lack of high-end skill,” Harder shared.  “We’ll never know how far I could have gone.  I hate even saying the name Osgood-Schlatter.”

The first 10k Run for the Cure in support of Portage la Prairie Osgood-Schlatter sufferers and survivors goes August 15 at the unusual Island Park.  Donation forms can be picked up in advance at CIPP – TV’s front desk from an overly friendly woman named Susan.

Notice to readers – Click here to read the full disclaimer.  CIPP-TV, Ryan Coke and this story and website are creations of fiction motivated out of weirdness, satire and an attempt at humour.  If you do not find this funny then please look away.  Not everyone will find this funny.  Some will find it funny.  Either way you will not be alone.  Osgood-Schlatter is a real condition although its effects are marginal and most people who have it go on to live productive and happy lives.  Never give money-raising money for a cure for OSD as they are likely scamming you.  You can send us money but we only accept make-believe money and exist primarily in people’s imagination.  Don’t stop believin’.  Hold on to that feelin’.

Photo Credit – Brett Kelly

Ryan Coke wants to be the next Mayor of Portage la Prairie by ending homeliness

Man Decides To Run For Mayor Based On Number Of Facebook Friends & Marginal Ideas

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

The only thing that can help Portage look better is Ryan Coke.

Media Mogul, trust fund kid and now political juggernaut, Ryan Coke has announced he is entering the race to become Portage la Prairie’s next top mayor.

“I’m running on a platform that “Portage Needs Coke” because I am the only candidate with a comprehensive plan to eliminate homeliness once and for all,” Coke announced at a flashy rally at a downtown Portage hotel complete with a projector, power point presentation and a live DJ.

Coke’s decision comes after a thought filled and careful examination of his Facebook page that revealed he had almost a thousand friends.

“Billy Neepawa launched his campaign and he doesn’t even have a social media presence,” Coke explained.  “He has no chance against my dynamic Facebook and Twitter accounts.  Everyone is reading my ideas online.

While Neepawa maintains only troll accounts to monitor activity on social media he participates on message boards, niche forums and conspiracy theory groups, mostly found on the dark web.  He could not be reached for comment due to his inability to check his email account regularly.

Ryan Coke does boast a formidable challenge for any potential mayoral candidates, as he is the owner of CIPP-TV and all of C.M.S. (Coke Media Services) including this website.

“My experience in media and ability to promote myself will more than make up for any lack of political experience or absence of ideas and policy I may face,” Coke said.  “Who needs a bunch of idealistic and altruistic blah, blah, blah, when you have a lot of money, tons of connections and fit in with Portage’s conservative mindset?”

Coke kept referring to a CIPP-TV station initiative to end homeliness in Portage as the only part of his election platform.  He was unable or unwilling to present anything to address crime, poverty, the economy, infrastructure or education.

“I believe if you look good, you’ll feel good and you won’t have as many problems,” Coke explained.  “All these so-called other problems you mention won’t be an issue once people start looking better.  How many good-looking poor or unemployed people do you see?  Most good-looking people are rich or well off and much happier.  That is why ending this plague of homeliness is the answer.”

The press conference did include two dozen models from a Winnipeg talent agency and most of the attractive staff from CIPP-TV.

“Let’s make Portage beautiful again!  Join my thousands of friends on Facebook and Twitter and elect me the next Mayor of Portage,” Coke chanted over a thumbing track of electronic dance music.

“Remember, ugly people have ugly ideas,” Coke shared.  “My opponent has no answer for  the ugliness that overwhelms Portage.  A vote for me is a vote for beauty and progress.”

Election officials say that in most elections a candidate can win the mayor’s seat with as little as one to two thousand votes so Coke’s assertion his number of Facebook friends assure him victory may not be audacious at all.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Portage is real in a dreamy sort of way.  I had a nightmare about Portage once.  I was scared then I woke up.  I still think Billy Neepawa will win because I like cats and I don’t like rich ass holes.

Photo Credit -Michael Kmak

Ryan Coke runs for mayor on platform of ending homeliness and making Portage beautiful again.
Ryan Coke runs for mayor of Portage la Prairie, Manitoba.
Billy Neepawa wants to be mayor and dig a tunnel under Crescent Lake

Mayoral Candidate Proposes Tunnel Under Crescent Lake To Replace Planned Causeway

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A long-suffering Portager is throwing his hat in the ring to become Portage la Prairie’s next mayor and tossing out some great new ideas.

“After consulting with my mom and my cats, I have decided to become a candidate for mayor in the next municipal election,” Billy Neepawa announced at a sparsely attended press conference.

“The issues in Portage are numerous, if not obvious, and I intend to solve all of them in my first term,” Neepawa boldly predicted.

Neepawa is the first to declare his candidacy but it is rumoured incumbent Sherman Moffat intends to run for another term while media mogul and CIPP –TV station owner, Ryan Coke, is said to be thinking about taking a run to be Portage’s illustrious leader.  Coke is believed to be concerned about his chances going up against Neepawa.

Billy Neepawa was quick to come out swinging against the current mayor and council.

“We’ve seen the past two city council’s dither and make poor decisions about what to do with the Island Park Bridge.  Today, I’m unveiling my plans to build a tunnel under Crescent Lake instead of the proposed causeway now being looked at.”

“If England and France can have a ‘Chunnel’ connecting them, Portage can certainly build a short tunnel under the lake and I propose we call it the ‘Crunnel’ to stand for Crescent Lake Tunnel.”

The plan calls for a tunnel running from Royal Road under the lake to Island Park.  Neepawa claims the plan will allow the existing bridge to remain as a pedestrian bridge and allow the current causeway to be removed for better water flow.

“We can create an engineering marvel, save the wood bridge and decrease the cost of the project by building a Crunnel,” Neepawa said.  “In addition to the tunnel we will also be able to create a substantial recreational hill on the island with all the dirt we displace.  It may even be tall enough for down hill skiing and snowboarding, creating hundreds of tourism jobs.”

The gathering of mostly friends and relatives had mixed feelings on Neepawa’s plans and candidacy.  His mother Barry Neepawa was happy to see her son get out of the house for the afternoon but refused to speak to reporters.

“I’ve know Billy for years and I think he would make an okay mayor, I guess,” life-long friend Amelia French said.  “I usually don’t vote anyway.  I like the Crunnel idea.”

Jimmy Wiebe, a cousin to Neepawa, was optimistic.  “Billy loves his cats and his mom.  That is the kind of character this town needs.  He’s an out of the box thinker with little to no financial knowledge or skill.  He could quite possibly bankrupt our town.  I’m voting for him for sure!”

Incumbent Mayor Sherman Moffat said he was surprised at Neepawa’s decision but still would not reveal his plans for the fall election.

Political analysts believe Neepawa has wide populist appeal and could pose a formidable challenge.  It is widely believed people like to vote for people who love cats and respect their mothers.

Neepawa has no previous public service experience but did run for vice president in junior high at La Verendrye School, an endeavour he plans to draw on.

“I ran for council at La Verendrye School but I came in third,” Neepawa recalled.  “I lost to the girl who started puberty early and a guy who wore cool beer t-shirts.  I don’t think this election will be a popularity contest so I should be all right.”

The money-saving, job creating tunnel is a great first step in winning the election but it is still early in the race.  With potential candidates who are media moguls, unemployed socialists, uneducated buffoons, leg wrestlers, barn animals, turtle doves and musical stars anything can still happen.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Remember let’s make Portage la Prairie beautiful again.

Photo credit – Eli Duke

Homely people are excited about new program to end homeliness in Portage la Prairie

Homeliness In Portage la Prairie To Be Eliminated By Local TV Station Initiative

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

CIPP – TV is looking to change the face of Portage la Prairie for the better.  The local TV station announced the launch of a new initiative to end homeliness once and for all in the Manitoba city.

“The message we’re sending out is we want to make Portage la Prairie beautiful again,” CIPP – TV station owner Ryan Coke announced.  “It’s time we took the problem of homeliness head on and get rid of it.”

“We want to make walking our streets enjoyable by putting the “fair” back into our city.”

The ‘Make Portage la Prairie Beautiful Again” initiative will take the expertise of the television station to battle homeliness everywhere in the city.

“As a television broadcaster we know how to make things look much better than they are,” Coke said.  “It is high time we leverage that to make the people of Portage easier to look at.”

“I’m glad CIPP –TV is stepping up to help us deal with homeliness in Portage,” Mayor Sherman Moffat said.  “I look forward to the day we can all walk the streets of Portage and not have to be witness to homeliness on our streets.”

The multi-pronged program will see Portagers trained in hair and make up techniques, fashion and poise by TV station employees so they can hit the streets to assist with make overs and general beauty education.

“There are a lot of Portagers who look terrible right now but with a bit of help and effort could be made to look half-decent with a good hair cut and some make up,” Coke explained.

At an event that took on the tone of a political rally, fuelling speculation station owner Ryan Coke is considering a run for Mayor the announcement drew cheers and rave reviews.

“I think this is just what the town needs,” Portager, Irma Chartrand said.  “There is no need for the amount of ugly people we see in Portage on a daily basis.  I think we could see an end to homeliness within a year.”

Coke admits that even with hair, make up and clothing help some Portagers may still end up being on the homely side.  He points to the fact that some may have to employ stylish veils, hats, and sunglasses to hide their ugliness. “If someone has decent eyes and hides behind a veil they become exotic and alluring,” Coke offered.  “But ultimately there are those Portagers that even that may not help.  For those who go through the program but remain unattractive we will work with their employers to have them work nights and away from the public eye.”

“The beautification of our citizenry is long over-due,” Moffat said.  “By putting an end of homeliness we will be able to attract more business and industries.  It’s not just the ugly people who will benefit.  We will all stand to win.”

Coke refused to say whether his new initiative had anything to do with his political aspirations but did comment on the upcoming civic election.

“I think it would make sense for a media baron like myself to run for office some day.  I already control the news and information so why not control the public purse too.”

Unnamed sources say Coke’s decision to run will depend on whether or not Billy Neepawa seeks the mayor’s chair.  Neepawa is seen as a potential populist favourite if he enters the race.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclaimer and disclosure on the true but non-sinister nature of this story and website.  They are both fictional and satirical in origin.  While based loosely on rumours and theories about the goings on of Portage la Prairie and area this story is completely fanciful and ridiculous.  These people don’t really exist so their names can’t appear on any ballot.  Or can they?  That is crazy.  Please don’t be tricked into contributing to one or several of these fictional character’s campaign funds.  If you do, you likely will contribute to the further addiction and delinquency of those asking.  The name Billy Neepawa is very silly.  This site is not associated directly or indirectly to Russia, its agents or Donald Trump and is not designed or intended to influence your voting in any election real or otherwise.  But then again would we tell you if we were?  In the upside down world this website might become real and you may be fictional – what then?  Make Portage la Prairie beautiful again!

Photo credit – Victorio Marasigan

Producers of TV hit series Suits create spinoff series based on construction workers called Safety Vests starring Meghan Markle

Producers of Suits Announce Spinoff Called “Safety Vests” Starring Meghan Markle

HOLLYWOOD, CA & PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Producers of the hit TV drama suits announced they are collaborating with C.I.P.P. –TV to create a new drama series based on the people who wear orange, high-visibility safety clothing

Meghan Markle will headline Suits spinoff, Safety Vests.
Meghan Markle will star in Suits spinoff “Safety Vests” based on the high drama lives of construction workers

“Safety Vests” will tell the stories of intrigue and excitement from the construction world the same way “Suits” portrayed New York City lawyers.

Billed as a high-level drama, “Safety Vests” promises to bring sizzling sex appeal to the safety industry and combine compelling characters with breathtaking life and death situations with each episode having twists and worker compensation claims.

“The first episode will kick-off with a work site safety meeting,” producer Brian Berenstein said.  “We won’t waste any time until our cast of characters are subjected to a work place inspection by a health and safety officer.”

“I don’t want to give away too much about the pilot but let’s just say at least one of our main characters is faced with a significant crisis when they are found not wearing their personal protective equipment, including a safety vest.”

The only cast member from Suits to make the jump to the spinoff is Meghan Markle, who plays the love interest of head safety officer Kenny Brookside who is exposed in episode three as an imposter with no official safety training.

When Brookside is exposed an imposter, it sets off a chain of attempts by the construction company to hide this fact while they try to maintain numerous construction contracts.

“Despite not having any formal health and safety training, Brookside is potentially the best health and safety officer there is,” Berenstein offered.  “In the show he is simply too good to let go.”

Season one includes 13 episodes and a season ending cliffhanger that exposes Brookside’s secret while he investigates a critical workplace injury.

“Suits had some great appeal among urban professionals so we are hoping Safety Vests does the same thing with the much larger blue-collar audience,” Berenstein said.  “Even people who don’t have to wear safety vests have seen or know people who do.  If a show about lawyers was big, a show about construction workers will be huge.”

C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 will air the show starting in May on Sunday nights at 9pm temporarily displacing Beverly Hills 90210.

Station owner Ryan Coke is thrilled about the new co-production.

“This show is important to us and vital to telling the stories of the amazing men and woman who have to wear those obnoxiously ugly orange vests.  Until I read the pitch for this show, I thought they were nothing more than low-skilled trolls, but I’ve had my eyes opened.  They seem to have real lives and real problems; at least on the show they’ll be interesting.  Plus, Meghan Markle rocks her safety vest and steel-toed heels, so I’ll be watching.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and to find the link to the full legal information.  If you do not want to do that please know that this story and website are fictional and that means they are not real.  TV is real, Suits is a real show and Meghan Markle is so real she is marrying a prince but this story is just made up nonsense.  Do not be a dope and think it is real.  Orange safety vests are real too but the story and website are still not real.

Photo Credit guy in safety vest – Elvert Barnes

Photo Credit Meghan Markle – Genevieve