Portage man wastes time at work by reading the entire internet

Man Finishes Reading The Entire Internet On Company Time In Just 8 Years

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

Jordan Miller started by just checking his Facebook and Twitter accounts during coffee and lunch breaks but after scaling up the amount of time he wasted time online, he has finally achieved his goal.  Miller has finished reading the entire internet and is now at a crossroads.

“I didn’t start out wanting to read the whole internet,” Miller said.  “I was just killing time on my breaks and found it easier and easier to spend my work day reading stuff on the web.  It got so crazy I was putting in a couple of hours of overtime a day reading random shit on the internet.”

Miller’s employer Mach 4 Enterprises & Logistics had no idea their employee was working on such an enormous project.  Mach 4 owner Bryce Dumont thought Miller was one of his best employees.

“Jordan is a great guy,” Dumont shared.  “He always seemed to keep to himself but he showed up early everyday and didn’t create any problems for us.  He is practically an ideal worker apart from the fact he didn’t do anything for eight years.”

The company is keeping Miller on after his admission to reading the entire internet on company time.

“I appreciate that they weren’t mad at me,” Miller offered.  “But now I know just about everything so I can be a real asset.”

“We’ve got a lot invested in Jordan,” Dumont said.  “We’ll use him in a consulting role to help grow our business.”

Miller feels his time spent reading the internet will aid his career and has made him a better person.

“After reading everything I see the world much differently,” Miller explained.  “I didn’t know much about medicine, relationships or politics but now I know everything.  Even reading all the conspiracy theories and message boards helped me understand more of the world around me.”  Miller nows enjoys a robust social life by offering staunch opinions and unsolicited medical advice at work and parties.

Miller is the first known Portager to have finished reading the internet but there is a middle-aged single woman in Mellenville who is about 90% done, a tall, pebble-faced high school student who has passed the 80% mark along with a retired farmer living alone on Alfred Avenue who has completed the dark web and 75% of the regular internet.

After completing the internet Miller is now going to finish reading the Bible and the whole Portage la Prairie Library including periodicals and archives.

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and disclosure about the fictional, satirical, magical and delightful nature of this story and website along with legal disclosures about many a thing.  CIPP TV isn’t real beyond this stupid website meaning it doesn’t exist outside the minds of its creators and consumers.  At times, it is metaphorical but never physical.  Jordan Miller is a made up person as his accomplishment of reading the entire internet.  It is highly doubtful anyone could read the whole World Wide Web because so much is added daily and most people only have 2 or less eyeballs.  Although it is plausible that someone could waste a total of 8 years at work doing nothing it is unlikely they would be able to complete even a majority of the internet in that time.  While many people appear to be trying to read the whole thing by the amount of time they spend staring at their phone, it is doubtful anyone will accomplish this without the aid of cyber-helpers.  Keep your head up and your heart full.

Photo Credit – Piratska Strana

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Portagers Call Man An Elitist For Showering, Reading & Attending Glesby Centre Event

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Ernie Weatherspoon never thought he would become an elitist until he moved to Portage la Prairie.

“I’m from Cobourg Ontario originally,” Weatherspoon explained.  “To be an elitist there you’d have to earn six figures, drive a Porsche and wear designer clothes.”

Last week Weatherspoon trimmed up his beard, got his haircut and wore a new shirt to the Glesby Centre.  He was shocked at the reaction he received.

“On my way in a guy I work with at the factory looked at me and called me an elitist prick,” Weatherspoon said.

Changing and updating one’s look in Portage is widely seen as suspicious by locals.  Portagers have long believed that people who wear stylish clothing, shower regularly, model trendy new shoes and speak civilly with those they meet were up to no good.

“Ernie is just a lead-hand at the plant,” co-worker Brian Penton said.  “Who does he think he is dressing like that and going to the Glesby Centre?  Only knobs and elitist do that.”

Weatherspoon experiences criticism for reading books on his lunch break at the fry factory and using less common words when addressing other Portagers.

“Ya, I like to read,” Weatherspoon offered.  “But I didn’t realize my college diploma and library card made me elite.  Back home you’d have to have at least a PhD to be an elitist.”

Portage’s low standards on elitism has moderately increased the numbers qualifying as elite.  At last count, Portage had 128 people who, either self-identified, or were outed as elitist.

“I’m okay with being an elitist here,” Weatherspoon said.  “I won’t get ahead of myself and think I’d be considered elite anywhere else other than maybe Winkler.”

Elitists in Portage were planning on forming a group and meeting monthly but they have been unable to find a suitable venue for their gatherings.

“We’d need to have a large enough coffee-house that is open in the evening or a trendy dive-bar before we can have formal meetings,” Weatherspoon offered.

Local officials do ask members of the public to contact them with names of anyone not currently on the elitist list.  While not officially authorized, elitism is tolerated by local governments despite being widely unaccepted by average and below average Portagers.

Notice to readers – click here to read about the fictional reality of this story and website.  It is not intended for elitist but they are welcome to read and share at their discretion.

Photo:  Scio Consulting – https://www.flickr.com/photos/sciomx/