Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback try and prove they are not the same band

Florida Georgia Line & Nickelback Announce Concert To Prove They Aren’t The Same Band

Portage la Prairie, MB – The Glesby Centre in Portage la Prairie will host the myth busting concert of the century as country superstars, Florida Georgia Line and rock sensations, Nickelback set the record straight.

Despite being mega-stars in different genres, the bands have been dogged by rumours and speculation they were actually the same group.  With similar hair and attitude Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback struck formulated success on the charts but were never seen together.

While most fans don’t care if they are one and the same, music journalists have been mining the conspiracy theory of both bands being the Milli Vanilli of country and rock.  Local concert promoter Billy Neepawa approached both bands with the idea of holding a concert to dispel the rumours.

“I think both bands share a lot of the same fans and they would like to see them on the same stage,” said Neepawa.  “It’ll be proof once and for all that they aren’t the same band.  It’ll also prove that country music is really just bad rock.”

Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback have both won numerous awards for their music and are widely considered pioneers in their respective genres.

“I couldn’t think of two modern acts that sum up the musical sensibilities of Portage better than these two.  A little bit country and a little bit rock and roll,” offered Neepawa.

Some Portagers remain steadfast in their belief that FGL and NB are the same band.  “I don’t give a crap if you put them both in front of me right now.  I still say they are the same damn band,” said Bob Morden of Portage.  “Don’t know what that Billy Neepawa is trying to prove but I won’t be going.”

For all fans wanting to go tickets will go on sale Friday at 10am at all Music Master and Busy Fingers locations.

Photo Credit – Focka

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Florida Georgia Line and Nickelback to prove they are not the same band

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Portage la Prairie Must Chop Down Trees To Keep Its Name

Portage la Prairie Must Chop Down Trees To Keep Its Name

Portage la Prairie, MB – The axe is about to fall on a big decision at City Hall.  The City of Portage la Prairie must choose between chopping down trees or having to drop the reference to “prairie” in its name.

The Canadian Council For The Enforcement Of Accurate Place Names, a fresh initiative of the government, has informed city council they are out of compliance and must take immediate action on the problem.  Failure to comply could result in stiff penalties including fines, removal from maps and being assigned a more accurate and boring place-name.

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In the good old days a prairie was a prairie.

“By definition, a prairie is a flat, treeless area,” said Wendy Bottom, Vice President of Enforcement for the CCEAP.  “We have a clear mandate to make sure place names are not misleading.  There are far too many trees here to be considered a prairie.”

While the CCEAP has no issue with the reference to Portage, it does take a hard-line on the city masquerading as a prairie.

“We understand and acknowledge people have been burdened and carrying stuff here for decades.  But it’s clear by the number of mature trees, this isn’t, and never has been a prairie,” explained Bottom.  “It’s bad enough to portray yourselves as a French town, but your improper anglicized pronunciation will leave no doubt you are not sophisticated enough to be French.”

City Hall will now have to choose between deforestation and a costly name change.  The best option seems to be to start cutting.

“We feel the city should start logging immediately and continue to approve developments that involve mass removal of trees.  That way, they can achieve compliance quicker,” offered Bottom.

Portagers seem split on the issue.  “I think we have to cut the trees down.  I don’t want to be called a Portager,” said Alex Walters.

“This is ridiculous,” said Mary Hendrix.  “Screw the prairie, I don’t want to lose the trees.  Who the hell wants to live on a prairie?”

“We have no preference other than compliance,” said Bottom.  “Place names must be accurate.  We are currently conducting an investigation in Gladstone to see if the rocks are happy or not.  Oakville will have to meet a quota of oak trees.  High Bluff will have to maintain a minimum height on it’s trees and Edwin will have to have at least two Edwins residing there if they hope to keep their name.”

The timing of the ruling compounds growing civic headaches for City Council as they also must struggle with what to do with the separatist enclave, KoKo Platz  The City of Portage la Prairie seems destined to be changed forever.  Sources claim optional names being considered include Portage, Farmville, Crescent Lake City, Terrier Town, The Brown Lagoon, Spudsville, Forage la Forest and Frymakingplace.

Photo Credit – City of Detroit

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Portage becomes a leader in political correctness by banning Halloween

Town Replaces Halloween With “Fall Celebration Of Political Correctness & Health”

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

A progressive prairie town in the middle of Canada is becoming a world leader in social advancement and political correctness by not just banning Halloween, but replacing it altogether.

Portage la Prairie is ridding itself of the plague of costume cultural appropriation, youth sexualisation, religious objections, anxiety over promoting obesity and the concerns over regional diabetes rates.

“We’ve known for a while Halloween’s days were numbered,” spokesperson Ellen Ross said.  “We wanted to get Portage as a community ahead of the curve on this issue and become a change leader.  Portage will set an example for others to emulate.”

Prior to the outright ban the committee looked at the issue of costumes to see if a plan and policy could be developed that would allow kids to dress up but the celebration was deemed far to vile to allow for even one more year.

“It’s just not reasonable anymore,” Ross explained.  “Costumes are in general too scary or promote occult and religious stereotypes.  Many are not sexually appropriate and can cause the premature over sexualisation of young people.”

“We want children to learn to accept who they are and dressing up flies in the face of that.”

Portage will ban all references to Halloween and the practise of handing out candy and junk food.  In it’s place, adults and children will be encouraged to hold neighbourhood gatherings featuring sugar fee beverages like tap water and an assortment of local, organic vegetables and discussions about how we can respect all races and gender identities.

“We think the kids will have a lot more fun learning to eat well, protect the environment, and how to express themselves sexually in an appropriate manner,” Ross offered.  “We will explain the how eating well is essential to avoiding type 2 diabetes and managing type 1.”

Children will hear about the evils of plastics in our world, genetically modified foods, the over-use of chemicals in food production, gender equality, fair wages, human rights, how to shop locally to save the planet and how to accept themselves better.

“Kids are already bursting with excitement over these events,” Ross said.  “This excitement will last longer than traditional Halloween candy.  Kids will eat this stuff up.”

Civic officials are confident this event can single-handedly make Portage la Prairie the most progressive, politically correct city in Canada.  They believe Portage will win major national and international awards for this initiative.

“Major awards are definitely on the horizon,” Ross said.  “It will put Portage on the map.”

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Photo Credit – Richard Dick Morgan

Lack of funeral announcements frustrate local senior Udo Dirkschneider

Local Senior Frustrated By Lack of Funeral Announcements On Local Radio Station Launches Formal Complaint 

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Every morning for 20 years, Udo Dirkschneider brews a cup of coffee, makes some toast and sits at his kitchen table at 8:45 am to listen to the funeral announcements on CIPP 980 AM, but lately he has grown frustrated with the radio station.

“Four days in a row for each of the last two weeks there hasn’t been one new funeral announcement,” Irma Dirkschneider, Udo’s wife of 58 years explained.  “Udo got so mad last Wednesday he threw his coffee cup at the radio and broke it.  The cup, not the radio.”

Dirkschneider is complaining CIPP 980 AM has reduced the number and quality of local funeral announcements since it was taken over by Coke Media Services and made part of the Manitoba Broadcast Network.

“It used to be that I could hear a good half-dozen local deaths each morning,” Udo Dirkschneider explained.  “In the last few years they keep cutting back.  Now all I hear is ‘there are not funeral announcements today’.  Well, why the hell not?  There has always been funeral announcements.”

“Udo looks so forward to the deaths each morning,” Mrs. Dirkschneider shared.  “It helps him start his day on a positive note but when the radio station says there isn’t any funeral announcements, it ruins his day.”

The Portage senior is upset with the lack of commitment from the radio station to provide daily local funeral announcements and is taking his complaint to the federal regulator, the CRTC.

“I’ve already called the CRTC and they are going to launch an investigation to get this fixed,” Dirkschneider said.  “980 AM will be in big trouble for short-changing Portage on death announcements.”

CIPP 980 AM owner, Ryan Coke responded to the complaint in a statement.  “CIPP 980 AM provides excellence in local funeral coverage and will continue to do so.  In the event when there are no deaths CIPP will continue to announce there are none.  We feel it is important to remind Portagers that not every day ends in death.”

The CRTC is reviewing the matter but voiced some immediate concerns.  “Mr. Dirkschneider has raised a valid issue.  Over the last number of years, CIPP has been reducing the overall number of funeral announcements and that is troubling for local listeners who rely on the somber segment each morning.  While the station says, it is related to the fact there are no local deaths to announce the CRTC is not convinced this is a legitimate reason.  We’d like to see CIPP step up with more funeral announcements on the days they are now running none.”

Station owner, Ryan Coke promised to look at the matter and discuss it with his news director to see if they can generate more death announcements.

“In the end we have to keep the CRTC happy or they will take away our license,” Coke said.  “Either the death rate will have to increase or we will have to do what it takes to generate daily death notices.”

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Photo Credit – Paul Waite

Parents can no longer enjoy the same lifestyle and ability to spend as their children

Parents Can Now Only Dream About Having Their Teen’s Lifestyle & Spending Power

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Forget the Jones’, moms and dads are finding it harder to keep up with the kid’s lifestyles than ever before according to new government stats.

7 out of 10 parents, or 70% of adults with children can no longer afford the lifestyle their kids enjoy.

“We found that the disposable income of working adult parents has not kept up with the spending of their corresponding children,” head statistician Genevieve Meeches said.  “Even kids at home with no jobs are getting to spend more on items like eating out, clothes, entertainment and vacations than their parents.”

The government is promising to look at economic assistance programs and tax breaks to help parents close the wealth gap with their children.

On average, a teen living at home spends $1,232.00 a month on items solely for their own enjoyment and entertainment while the average parent spends $378 on the same things.

“Children are enjoying unprecedented levels of wealth when it comes to disposable income,” Meeches explained.  “Essentially all the money they have they get to spend on themselves while parents have the unfortunate burden of mortgages, car payments, tuition, utilities, credit card bills and repair bills.”

The report shows parents now have to say no to things like eating out, spending money on entertainment and must drive older vehicles just to survive.  Many times parents are forced to save for things their children freely enjoy.

The economic gap between the spending power of teens and their parents is at an all-time high and growing each year.

“If the government doesn’t step in to help parents they may soon never be able to afford the lifestyle so many teens enjoy,” Meeches warned.

“As a parent of three teenagers I have felt the pain of not being able to do the things I see my kids do every week,” Portage la Prairie parent Jules Vernon explained.  “We just can’t go to all the parties, concerts and wear the latest clothes anymore.  It does hurt that we see our kids be able to do these things while we can’t. ”

“It’s not fair at all,” Portager Peter Rasmussen offered.  “People living under the same roof shouldn’t have to endure such wealth disparity.  It’s time the government did something to correct this.”

“I wish I had it as good as my kids,” mother of two, Tracy Bergson said.  “I work 60 hours a week and get to spend about fifty bucks on myself.  My kids go to school when they feel like it and spend about 250 dollars a week on food and video games.”

Parents in Portage la Prairie are considering staging protests to raise awareness.  A march and sit in will call on all levels of government to act to close the gap.

“Some might say the parents have caused the problem themselves by giving their children so much without expecting them to earn money themselves but that would be an oversimplification,” Meeches said.  “This is a complex problem with many layers and issues to look at.  Kids have a certain expectation nowadays and there are severe social pressures.  This problem will take a long time and an abundance of money to solve.”

Photo Credit – Eric E. Castro

Notice to readers – Click here to read the full disclaimer, disclosure and other well fleshed out legal statements.  If you are confused about the fictional and satirical nature of the story and website then you may be in trouble on many levels.  This means what you have read is made up, not real, fanciful intended for your delight and entertainment.  The authors of this and other stories find them funny.  We acknowledge others may not find them humourous at all.  You can be guaranteed the creators of the website found the idea for the story funny and perhaps the entire article.  Please give your kid a hug today if your are troubled by the content you have just consumed.  Kids are people too.  Let’s all work together to close the economic gaps in our own homes.  Pay your taxes, walk your dog, feed the fish and stop complaining so much.  Negativity is bad for your health. Long live the Queen.

 

 

Husband grows his belly to support his wife during pregnancy

Man Grows Sympathy Belly During Wife’s Pregnancy

Portage la Prairie, MB – A local, devoted husband is giving up his slender, fit physique for the sake of his pregnant wife.  Todd Saunders, 33, is taking empathy to a whole new level as he is allowing his body to change along with his wife who is 6 months pregnant with the couples first child.

“We call it my sympathy belly,” said Saunders.  “I noticed with my wife’s increased appetite I was eating more and exercising less and my stomach starting swelling right along with hers.”

Saunders sees his expanding belly as a symbol of support for his spouse and a way of physically participating in the pregnancy.

“I want her to feel comfortable and beautiful in her larger body.  I feel more comfortable and attractive as well,” explained Saunders.  In addition to his growing gut Saunders has noticed his breast becoming larger and more sensitive and his hair getting thicker.

Experts refer to what Saunders is experiencing as Couvade Syndrome but Meaghan Saunders calls it an expression of love.

“Its like we are pregnancy twins,” said Mrs. Saunders.  “I feel closer to Todd and that he understands more what I’m going through.”

Mr. Saunders has even experienced morning sickness after nights of beer drinking done to aid with his abdomen growth.  “Meaghan can’t drink right now but she appreciates when we can sick in the morning together.”

The Saunders say they are considering Todd keep his weight after the baby arrives to take the pressure off Meaghan to lose her baby weight and share any body shaming that might come their way.

“We are in this together, now and after the baby arrives.”

Photo Credit – Miss Pupik

Notice to readers: Click here to read the full disclaimer and important legal information.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of humans. Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth. Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire. Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair. Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments. In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation. Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution. Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass. This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit. Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation. We like oatmeal and beans. Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same. Please no parking without a permit. And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality. Please consult a physician before working out. Call your mom. Pray for Portage.

Osgood-Schlatter survivors get help with two new initiatives, Run for the Cure and Take A Knee campaign.

Taking A Knee During Anthems Could Help End Osgood-Schlatter Disease

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

It is a disease that strikes mostly young men in their athletic prime and if mayoral candidate, Ryan Coke, is elected it will be eliminated.

“Osgood-Schlatter is a terrible disease that has shattered many young Portage athlete’s dreams,” Ryan Coke said at a glitzy press conference at Stride Place featuring a bouncy castle and free cotton candy.  “The future is now.  It’s time to find a cure and end this horrible, horrible, deplorable disease.”

Coke is proposing a “run for the cure” featuring those affected by Osgood-Schlatter to raise funds and awareness despite the fact the condition attacks the knees of youth.

“When people see an Osgood-Schlatter sufferer struggle to limp their way through a ten kilometer run they will be moved to give,” Coke shared.  “Not only that, but they will never make fun, or marginalize those with the disease again.”

A second initiative Coke is proposing is the “take a knee for OSD” initiative that will encourage athletes and fans to go to one knee during national anthems to raise awareness for the degenerative knee disease.

“Taking a knee for Osgood-Schlatter during anthems will remind people before every sporting event that there are many out there who find kneeling difficult because of this horrible, horrible disease,” Coke explained.  “We are asking everyone who takes a knee to donate a dollar each time to help support families with children battling OSD.”

Osgood-Schlatter affects 4% of the population and targets boys between 10 and 15.  Many with the condition are unaware until diagnosed by a doctor.

“I had no idea I had Osgood-Schlatter or what it was until my doctor said those horrible, horrible words,” OSD survivor Zac Harder said.  “I went to see the doctor with sore knees and I came out of his office with Osgood-Schlatter.  I’m lucky to have come through it all.”

Harder was a promising baseball and hockey player but had to settle for beer-league greatness instead of making the pros.  “I could have made the show if it wasn’t for Osgood-Schlatter and perhaps, a lack of high-end skill,” Harder shared.  “We’ll never know how far I could have gone.  I hate even saying the name Osgood-Schlatter.”

The first 10k Run for the Cure in support of Portage la Prairie Osgood-Schlatter sufferers and survivors goes August 15 at the unusual Island Park.  Donation forms can be picked up in advance at CIPP – TV’s front desk from an overly friendly woman named Susan.

Notice to readers – Click here to read the full disclaimer.  CIPP-TV, Ryan Coke and this story and website are creations of fiction motivated out of weirdness, satire and an attempt at humour.  If you do not find this funny then please look away.  Not everyone will find this funny.  Some will find it funny.  Either way you will not be alone.  Osgood-Schlatter is a real condition although its effects are marginal and most people who have it go on to live productive and happy lives.  Never give money-raising money for a cure for OSD as they are likely scamming you.  You can send us money but we only accept make-believe money and exist primarily in people’s imagination.  Don’t stop believin’.  Hold on to that feelin’.

Photo Credit – Brett Kelly