Bitcoin deposit discovered in Portage la Prairie, Manitoba Open-pit Bitcoin mine to be set up

Discovery of Bitcoin Deposit In Portage la Prairie Leads To Creation Of First Open-Pit Bitcoin Mine

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

An unprecedented economic boon is about to hit Portage la Prairie with the recent discovery of Bitcoins in the fertile plains of Manitoba.

Bitcoin prospectors made the discovery after initial internet research led them to believe large deposits of the cryptocurrency might exist here.

“After initial probing in the Portage area we were led to a site we believe holds the largest deposit of Bitcoins to date in the world,” Bitcoin prospector Percy Todd said.  “We plan to start extracting coin from the mine in less than three months.

The world’s first open-pit Bitcoin mine will be set up at the sight of the Portage la Prairie Mall in the west end of Portage.  Portage’s premiere political leader Murphy Braun attended the announcement today and was thrilled at the news.

“Economic development is the most important thing there is,” Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun said.  “Bitcoin is the new diamond, even more valuable than that.  We have more Bitcoin available in Portage la Prairie than anywhere else.  This means we should all become richer.  The owners will become by far the richest but we will see a trickle down to even the lowliest Portager.”

The open-pit mine concept was encouraged by local civic leaders since it is uglier, less environmentally friendly and more suited to the community ethos.  Most existing Bitcoin mines use computers housed inside to form the block chain needed for the cryptocurrency but rather than use the available empty space in the Portage Mall developers will dig a two hundred foot pit on the site of the former retail hub.

“We are going to work with some brilliant computer geniuses and make Portage la Prairie the first municipality to adopt Bitcoin as it’s currency,” Braun shared.  “Virtual money is all the rage nowadays and we need to keep up with the times and be a leader in e-moneys and things.  I just got on Facebook, Tweeter and Instagram last year and everyone loves it.”

Local officials were not able to fully explain how a deposit of a currency that doesn’t exist in the physical realm was found in Portage or how it was going to be mined with a bunch of computers but they trust what the company proposing the mine said.

“We committed 5 million from each of the three level of governments,” Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun explained.  “This will be in the form of a donation with no conditions or expectations.  We know how to spark economic development and this opportunity will make Portage a world leader is something new, exciting and technical.”

C.I.P.P. – TV polled Portagers and found that most of them had heard of Bitcoin and were excited that the owners of a business who live somewhere else will be getting extremely wealthy by digging a giant pit where the Portage Mall is.

“It’s good for the town,” Lorne Perkins said.  “These will be good mining jobs.  Probably union jobs, with pensions.  That’s what Portage needs.

Other Portagers were excited for the high-tech jobs they don’t really understand.

“With this big hole of computers out at the Portage Mall there will be lots of computer jobs and that should keep the young folk from leaving,” Myrtle Rose said.  “My son and granddaughter are good with computers.  They can email and all that so maybe they’ll move back to Portage.”

Conservative estimates provided by the development company indicate 2-4 trillion dollars worth of Bitcoin deposits available at the Portage site.

“We could see anywhere from two to three hundred thousand dollars a year come back into Portage for the life of the mine,” Braun said.  “They already said they would sponsor a playground in the North End so we know they will be great corporate citizens.”

Due to the highly suspect nature and dubious life-span of the Bitcoin currency the mine will break ground within weeks in order to try to cash in before the cryptocurrency crashes.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer, explanation and various other legal documentation.  This story is merely fictional and satirical in nature.  It is not real.  It was made up.  This entire website is made up in a similar way.  You may find some things, places and public figures that are real but they are presented in a fictional story.  As for Bitcoin, it is real, well we’re not actually sure we could prove it but we’re told it’s real and a lot of people are buying it so it must be real.

Photo credit – Zach Copley

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Portage make out spots

Top Make Out Spots In Portage la Prairie

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A sultry survey exclusive to CIPP-TV reveals Portagers are getting hot and heavy in a variety of locations in and around Portage la Prairie.

In light of the fact Portage la Prairie folks make love more than any other municipality, except Carman(click here to read the full story), we wanted to find out where Portagers are getting frisky outside the home.  We were surprised the list included garbage dumps and graveyards but hey, this is the City of Possibilities.

The survey was conducted the first week of September and showed 9 locations were responsible for 88% of the make-out sessions.  These were romantic encounters that either occurred outside, at a public place or in an automobile.

Here is the hit list.

The Dump Hill – Portage’s version of make out point.  Respondents noted the highest point in Portage made them feel closer to the stars and the views of Mellenville and the Trans Canada Highway were exceptionally romantic.  The knowledge they were making love on a mound of decades worth of garbage felt fitting for some and ironic for others.

Island Park at night –  When the sun goes down and the shadows come out the dimly lit park offers lovers a plethora of options.  Wide open spaces, secluded spots and grassy meadows all add romance to a late night date.  Please note that during the winter none of these apply.

The Portage Diversion –  Portage’s Niagara Falls attracts romantics year round.  The roar of the falls and natural beauty provide the perfect back drop for romantic encounters.  Like Niagara Falls, the diversion attracts a large number of honeymoon couples from nearby hotels.

Delta Beach – A moonlight walk along the beach, a bon-fire for two or a little hanky-panky in the water on a hot summer day are all reasons why this attraction just 15 minutes north is well worth the trip.  Just a warning to all considering Delta – sand in your shorts or other places could prove hazardous.

The Portage Mall – If a quiet secluded place to make out is your preference than The Mall is a perfect destination.  Open during the day and evenings, with few stores and fewer shoppers you will virtually have your choice of spots for love fun.

The Old Lagoons – In the north-east corner of the city is the old sewage lagoons that are pastoral and isolated.  A perfect place to get close to nature while doing the wild thing while spotting deer, raccoons, gophers and skunks.

Under The Overpass – Portage’s architectural marvel, the Sklyline Bridge is commonly called the Overpass or Tupper Street Bridge but it is a haven for lovers.  A very busy and popular spot for romance seekers and others if you are lucky enough to show up first you’ll want to bring a jacket or blanket to sit on.  Avoid spots where other have gone to the washroom or vomited and you should be fine.

The McKay Reservoir – Portage’s best spot to watch the sunset during the summer.  You can sit on the back of the reservoir’s grassy knoll and enjoy the trains rolling by and a perfect view of the sunset with your partner.  Tucked perfectly between McKay Ave and the train tracks the spot is easily accessed by the new, upgraded path.

Hillside Cemetery – This spot might not be for everyone but if you are feeling like your love life is a little (ahem) dead you might want to give it a whirl.  Quiet, peaceful and serene combines with the fright and creepiness of night for a range of sensations some find appealing.  Please remember to respect grave-sites and stay on roadway and paths.  Who knew the graveyard could breath new life into your relationship.

Survey Shows Portagers Make Love More Often Than Any Other Municipality Except For Carman – Oakville Close Behind

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read more about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  We do not recommend or encourage making love in any of these or any other Portage area locations.  Nor do we support making out in any way, shape or form.  Please do not try this at home or at any of the locations mentioned.  Please see a doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours.  Please eat and drink responsibly and remember its just a game, don’t gamble money you can’t afford.

 

Photo: Nicu Buclei – https://www.flickr.com/photos/nicubunuphotos/

Portage Family Travels to Winnipeg Outlet Mall, Finds No Deals But Decent Food Court

Portage la Prairie, MB –

The lure for brand names at bargain prices cost a Portage family twenty bucks in gas and a hundred dollars in food.

The Dillinger family loaded up the mini-van on Saturday for a trip into the city to see the shiny new outlet mall but came back empty-handed.

“We were pretty excited about the new outlet mall,” Terry Dillinger said. “We’d been to outlet malls in the states and got some great deals.”

Mrs. Dillinger and the rest of her brood were a little let down after looking for deals for more than two hours.

“There is a lot of shoe stores here but I already have a few pairs of Crocs.  The clothes were all fancy brands made for skinny people,” Dillinger said.

What stood out to the Dillingers was the fancy food court with it’s unique selection of cuisine.

“There was places I’ve never heard of,” James Dillinger said.  “I’d gladly drive two hours to eat here again.  Great ambiance and I really like their plastic trays, they are a huge step up from Polo Park’s.”

“Our mall in Portage is better in some ways,” Mr. Dillinger added.  “We’ve got a better selection of furniture and pet food in Portage but the Outlet Mall’s food court is amazing.”

Surrounded by an Ikea, Cabela’s and a Cirque du Soliel show the area around the Outlet Mall promises to be a strong tourist attraction for Portagers.

“It’s almost like going to another country,” Mrs. Dillinger said.  “There is so much culture and stuff.  The weird circus thing is French and everybody knows the Ikea is from somewhere in Europe.  I personally don’t like all the strange words – so I won’t go there, but lots of my friends do.”

To try to compete, the Portage Mall hosted a travelling midway this spring, although most of it was in English, and is opening its food court up to bag lunches in the fall and hopes to install some  vending machines at centre court.

 

Notice to reader/disclaimer about this story and website being ficitional and satire – we have to keep reminding people because some people just ain’t getting it.

Photo: m01229 – https://www.flickr.com/photos/39908901@N06/albums/with/72157629845543721

Portage Mall Becomes 80’s Themed Canadian Museum of Retail History

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

The ghosts of shoppers past will give way to a mall full of nostalgia seekers.

The Portage Mall is transforming into a tribute to the retail shops that have come and gone in Portage la Prairie and Canada.

Shoppers will soon be able to pay a small entrance fee to browse the isles of Portage favourites like Woolco, Styleright, Hans Christian Toys, Low-Cost Drugs, The Copper Kettle, Coles Books and hang out in Long John Silver’s Arcade or sit in Pizza Place, Smitty’s or the Fuzzy Orange.

The Museum of Retail History will include Canadian icons who failed, like Eaton’s, Beaver Lumber, Consumer’s Distributing, Randy River, Sam The Record Man, Radio Shack, Zellers and dozens more.

“If you grew up in the 80’s or even 90’s you will remember most of these places,” Museum Curator Jonathon Brown explained.  “It’ll be like relieving your youth for an afternoon.  Come to the Mall and pay $20 to hang out at the arcade and troll the mall for girls or guys.”

The inspiration for the new museum concept came when Brown overheard people in the mall say it was as if they were walking with ghosts.  The light came on, and he put plans in place to turn the empty space into an innovative tourist attraction.

“We’ll have full portions of each store re-created so visitors can walk through and look at era items,” Brown offered.  “We’ll really focus on the late 80’s so there will be things like designer jeans, pet rocks, books, records and cassettes and all the Museum cast members will have big hair and mullets.”

It will be the first time in almost two decades, the mall will be filled with stores and Brown promises they have plans to keep it fresh.

“On Friday and Saturday nights we’ll have bands from the 80’s and 90’s perform at centre court.  Local acts will include The Double Eagle Band and Johnny Dietrich.  National and international retro acts will also be added to the line-up that already includes Helix, Headpins, Orphan, and Platinum Blonde.

The Museum also plans to have rotating exhibits to highlight other local and national failed retailers.

“We hope to have something from The Met and Narvey’s in the first month,” Brown shared.  “We will announce more stores as we move along.  Each month we should get a new exhibit.  Moving forward it looks like we’ll have an endless stream of extinct retailers.  This could become a world-wide centre for retail history.”

The Museum of Retail History feels the new business model of charging admission combined with concession and food sales will bring the vintage retail space into a new era of prosperity and add a new dynamic attraction to the Central Plains area.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer.  Sad we have to tell people this is fictional and of a satire nature, but oh well, now you know it’s not real.

Photo: David Wilson – https://www.flickr.com/photos/ddoubleu/