Splashing Banned From Splash Island

Portage la Prairie, MB –

If you thought a place called Splash Island would be okay with frisky frolicking, you’d be wrong.

New safety rules are in place to address an ongoing problem at Portage la Prairie’s premier water park.  There is a zero tolerance policy on splashing and aggressive frolicking.

“We have received more than eight complaints but not more than ten,” spokesperson and safety officer Susy Rempel said.  “We couldn’t ignore the risk factor of eye irritation and the chance of injury.”

Besides complaints rooted in safety concerns, Splash Island has received concerns from people not wanting to get their hair wet or makeup destroyed by people frolicking irresponsibly.

Lifeguards will be on the look out for anyone splashing water intentionally or unintentionally and those using the water slides will have to exit them slow enough to avoid a splash.

“Users will have to adjust their sliding to make sure those in the pool and deck area are not impacted with water to the body and face,” Rempel said.

A non-local security firm will provide additional enforcement and will physically remove violators from the complex and call police for pickup.

“This is serious,” Rempel emphasized.  “Our insurance company will not cover us unless we put rules in place to eliminate splashing.  If you think about it, you’ll agree it’s not a safe thing to do anyway.”

CIPP-TV questioned continuing with the name Splash Island when the practice was no longer allowed.

“We don’t see any contradiction in continuing with the name,” Rempel said.  “It’s Splash Island not splash pool.  If it was called splash pool we’d have to change the name but Splash Island indicates splashing on land which isn’t really possible.”

The justification for keeping the name raises further questions as to the rationale behind the name Splash Island when it is in fact a pool and water slide park and not an island.  This fact is further compounded by the reality the water-plex is not even on an Island but an isthmus.  Perhaps re-naming it to Don’t Splash Isthmus Water Park would make more sense.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the true nature of this story and web site being fictional in origin and humorous in intent.

Photo: Nicola – https://www.flickr.com/photos/15216811@N06/


Academy Names “Knee-Bob” Social Dance Move Of The Year

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A new dance move from the dance floors of Portage socials has become all the rage.

The new step started showing up at wedding and fundraising socials in late 2016 in the Central Plains region and has invaded almost every corner of the province, and some parts of Saskatchewan.

The “Knee-Bob” has swept the land and been named the Social Dance Move of the Year by the Academy of Social Music, Arts & Entertainment.

The new dance craze is used in almost all forms of music, from country to rock and hip-hop and is the go to favourite for Social goers.

The simplistic dance involves motion primarily at the knees and requires little if any movement of the feet making it ideal for rhythm challenged Manitobans.

Knee-bobbing consists of a constant up and down motion generated at the knees that doesn’t always have to follow the beat of the music.  Arms can be incorporated to the comfort of the dancer with wilder arm action being acceptable for those more outgoing or drunk.

ASMAE notes the new dance move is the first time in twelve years the “Bug Stomp” dance has been dethroned as dance of the year.

“Bug Stomping” took off in the mid 80’s and made a resurgence in the early 2000’s.  Gen Xers brought the dance back with a trend to classic rock and 80’s dance hits played at socials.

“Bug Stomping” found it’s success in the simple nature of its routine. Dancers only need to pick a spot on the dance floor in front of them, pretend there is a bug on it, and take turns stomping it with alternating feet.  Occasionally, the imaginary bug will move allowing dancers to meander about the dance floor.

Dancers are happy to have the new dance gain attention and open the dance floor to partiers of all ages and dance ability.

To celebrate the award, a social is planned in Portage la Prairie next Saturday night.  Tickets are available from the same friends who always sell you social tickets.  Approximately half the people who buy tickets will actually show up.  Funds raised will be used to hire a choreographer to work on the next big dance move.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the true and not so hidden nature of this story, website and imaginary television station.

Photo: fitzdomino – https://www.flickr.com/photos/ftzdomino/

Husband Guilty Of Oral Neglect – Wife Finds Love & Satisfaction With Wooden Teeth & Bolivian Mennonite

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

He was her husband and her dentist but he is now neither.

Joshua Bobinsky is facing a hefty divorce settlement, fines and professional discipline after neglecting the oral needs of his wife Jocelyn.

In February of last year, Mrs. Bobinsky entered the care of her husband of 20 years and dentist for the last 5, for a routine filling and root canal.  She was expecting to be back to normal the next day.

“He was always a kind and caring husband so I thought that he would make a good dentist,” the soon to be former, Mrs. Bobinsky said.  “No woman could stay with a man who is that bad at his day job.  After the terrible job he did on my dentures I couldn’t be with him anymore.”

After having to pull all his wife’s teeth, Mr. Bobinsky did such terrible job designing and fitting her dentures she was unable to eat, talk or smile.  The authorities became involved after Mrs. Bobinsky was mocked publicly during a recent Glesby Centre concert.

“People started pointing at me,” Bobinsky explained.  “My teeth kept falling out of my mouth and when I got them to stay in they made fun of my smile.  A couple we’ve known for fifteen years called me “Giraffe Face” over and over.”

Police were called to the centre to examine the botched false teeth and immediately apprehended Mr. Bobinsky and charged him with the oral neglect of his wife.

After initially pleading not guilty, Bobinsky, entered into a plea bargain and accepted the charges and was sentenced to a $10,000 fine and time served.  He is currently suspended from dentistry until he improves his skills as a denturist and finds a new wife.

Jocelyn Bobinsky has since sought the oral satisfaction of a denturist in Winkler Manitoba who creates life-like and award-winning dentures from hard wood.  His innovative work employs Mennonite carvers from Bolivia.  The Bolivians are old order Mennonites who have come to Canada to escape the wild and sinful life of their homeland.

“The work of these artists took my breath away,” Mrs. Bobinsky said.  “When I saw the work they did all I could say was wow!  All my friends compliment me now.  No one can tell they are made of wood.”

The Bobinsky’s are finalizing their divorce and Mrs. Bobinsky has started dating one of the Bolivian Mennonite artisans.  “I never want to suffer from oral neglect again and I know Abe(Sawatzky) will always make sure I am orally satisfied.”

More on this story as details become available.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the humorous intentions, satirical nature and fictional reality of this story and website.

Photo: Rolands Lakis -https://www.flickr.com/photos/rolandslakis/

New Speed Limit & Safety Rules Solve Crescent Lake Path Anarchy

Portage la Prairie, MB –

If speed kills, then people on the Crescent Lake path will live forever.

City Hall passed new laws to restrict the speed of all path users to no more than 15km/h and will use photo radar to enforce the new limit.

Citing numerous complaints and near misses, civic leaders took the needed measures to make Portage safe again.  All walkers, joggers, cyclists, skate boarders, rollerbladers and even paddlers will have to keep speeds at no more than half of the school zone speed limit.

“We successfully slowed the town down with the constant school zone speed limits,” spokesperson Leanne VanPelt said.  “Many Portagers like going 30km/h so much they drive around the whole Crescent that slow.  We now need the same kind of pace on the path.”

With a mixed-use, paved and divided trail used by a varied demographic including seniors and students rules were badly needed.

Complaints have come in regarding walkers and geese being frightened by cyclists and runners going way too fast along the path.  Cyclists have filed protests of people on foot and skate boarders not staying to the right.  The path scene was nearing anarchy.

“Portage is a peaceful place,” VanPelt said.  “We might not be fast but we can be slow.”

Hipster paddlers in kayaks and nature loving canoeists must also keep under the 15km/h limit so they don’t startle geese and people along the path.

To bolster safety along Crescent Lake the city will also require all users to wear helmets while on foot or wheels.

“Helmets will be best,” VanPelt explained.  “In case there is a collision pedestrians and riders will have their brains protected.  Paddlers will also have to wear helmets as there are many rocks near shore.”

With awareness of brain injuries on the rise and corresponding law suits the city wants itself and citizens covered.

Local police will be busy this week installing photo radar devices along the path that will snap pics of violators.  Authorities will then use face recognition software paired to social media accounts of Portagers to identify and fine violators.

“Fines will start at $300 for a speed infraction,” VanPelt said.  “It will double if the offender is caught not wearing a helmet.”

On top of police surveillance a local citizen group will set up lawn chairs along the path at various times to point finger and shake their heads at violators.

“Anyone going to fast or not wearing a helmet will feel guilt and shame when we see them,” Vern Skerwood said.  “We want to do everything we can to help slow Portage down.”

Path users will have until tomorrow to comply.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the stupidity of this story, fictional reality and satirical tone of the story and website and ancillary media devices and tools.   God save the Queen!

Photo: kishjar? – https://www.flickr.com/photos/kishjar/

Portage To Change Name To Porridge or Potato la Prairie In Support of Farmers

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Porridge, you’re mom made you eat it when your were a kid, and now the oat industry in Manitoba want to make Portagers call it their hometown.

Likewise, if the Potato Producers of Manitoba Group get their way, Portage will be named after the world’s sexiest vegetable.

The competing proposals put forward at City Hall to have the city re-named to Porridge or Potato la Prairie will offer a boost to the marketing and branding of two of Portage’s biggest exports and employers.

“It’s about time the city got behind the producers and processors,” PP-OMG President Harv Kroeker said.  “We support the oat growers but let’s face it potatoes have way more wow factor and sex appeal.”

Civic leaders now have to weigh the options on the proposals and decide if it is worth the considerable time and money associated with the name change and decide which is best.

“Oats are a much healthier option,” oat farmer Pete MacGregor said.  “A healthy lifestyle is the new sexy and oats are leading the way.”

Oat production and processing is a vibrant and important part of Portage’s economy and changing the name of the city would help solidify it as the capital of oat production

Portage is also one of the biggest producers of fries in the world so the swap to Potato la Prairie would crown it the king of spuds.

CIPP-TV hit the streets of Portage to see what the person on the street thought.

“I don’t like porridge but I like oatmeal cookies,” Angela Watson said.  “Can we call it Cookie la Prairie?’

“Half this town is fried twenty-five per cent of the time,” Billy Neepawa offered.  “Potato la Prairie is the dumbest thing I’ve heard of and Porridge la Prairie is even stupider.”

“This sounds like a made up news story,” Tracey Smoke said.  “Like something from one of those satire sites.  I don’t think it’s real.”

Lyall Jones doesn’t like any of the options.  “Porridge, Portage, Potato, they’re all stupid.  Let’s just call it Prairie and be done with it.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer that explains the fictional, satirical and disturbing nature of this story.

Photo: Simon  James – https://www.flickr.com/photos/bearpark/

Guided Goose Tours To Make Portage Tourism Hotbed To Rival Churchill

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Tourists from as far away as China and Egypt will soon be walking among the wild Canadian geese of Portage la Prairie.

Wild Goose Chase Tours Canada will be offering guided tours that will take patrons on a dangerous and exciting adventure along Crescent Lake that will include an up-close and personal visit with majestic Canadian geese.

“We will bring people who have never experienced the wilderness of Canada an experience of a lifetime,” tour operator Sam Legault told reporters and assembled media.  “Not only will our Goose Buggies take tourists to the edge of Crescent Lake but we will guarantee each group the chance to get out and walk among the geese.”

Getting that close to the wild birds will be exhilarating with visitors getting to within inches of the birds that can gather in groups as large as 20 to 30 at a time.

“You will be able to see their tongues as they hiss a you,” Legault said.  “And, tourists will be able to grab feathers and droppings for souvenirs and take great photos.”

Tours, excluding air fare, will be $1,500.00 per person with transportation to and from Winnipeg and one nights accommodation in Portage la Prairie.

“There is no better place in the world to get up close and personal with these amazing wild creatures,”Legault said.  “Churchill has polar bears and Portage has Canadian geese.”

Wild Goose Chase will launch in time for the fall staging season and then open for the entire goose season next year, starting in April.  The primary marketing effort will be targeted at China, Japan and gullible parts of Europe.

“Portage should be proud of the natural beauty it has,”Legault offered.  “We want to share it with the world and make an easy buck.”

While most Portagers are not interested in the native birds they are excited about the potential economic spinoffs.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the sad but fictional and satirical nature of this story and the entire website.

Photo: This Incredible World – https://www.flickr.com/photos/thisincredibleworld/

Trees With Naughty Knots To Be Covered

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Nature is a little to naughty, according to a group of concerned Portage parents.  Children walking to and from school are being exposed to formations on trees in the shape of female and male genitalia.

The over-sexualized trees are the target of the group of mothers led by Tara Bellamy.  “We asked the city to cut down the offensive trees,” Bellamy said.  “They won’t so, now we are asking the offensive parts to be covered.”

Recently, several social media posts had to be deleted because they included smart-phone photos of tree knots that were tagged with teachers names – implying the knots where images of the educator’s private parts.

Censoring mother nature wont be easy.  Options to hide the phallic parts of the trees while keeping a natural look are limited.  Tree pants were considered but the implementation of the plan proved too expensive.

“We will be looking at a grass skirt type of covering on most trees in question,” city operations spokesperson Brian Siemens said.  “We know the vagina-like knots and penis shaped branches in the trees are distracting the kids and embarrassing the parents but our attempts to hide them may draw more attention to them.”

How to secure the skirts so they don’t lift in the wind is the biggest problem.  City engineers are working on solutions but the windy climate poses a substantial challenge.  A solution will be in place before the school year begins in September.

Bellamy hopes to have this issue dealt with so she and her group can go back to tackling the ongoing problem of kids drawing penis shapes on dirty vehicles and in fresh snow.  To solve that problem she is putting together a petition to have curfews in place during snow events and mandatory car washing.

We will have further developments on this story as they become available.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the satirical reality of this fictional story and website.  Please read with caution.