Vacationing Portagers Caught Saying They Are From Winnipeg

Orlando, FL –

A Portage family learned it’s a small world after all, after an embarrassing moment is witnessed by Portage child at Disney World.

The Martens’ family didn’t think anyone was watching, and they certainly weren’t expecting to be recognized while in Florida during their vacation.

While waiting in line for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, Crystal Martens struck up a conversation with a family in front of her from Indiana.

“We were just chit-chatting about the kids,” Crystal Martens said.  “The lady commented on my accent and then asked me where we were from.”

Martens had encountered this question before and felt the awkwardness of trying to explain she was from Portage la Prairie, Manitoba, Canada.

“I’ve told other people where we were from but it really throws them for a loop,” Martens explained.  “By the time you get Portage la Prairie out you might as well tell them you’re from Saskatchewan.  Americans don’t have a clue what you said.”

The not-so-proud Portager claims she wasn’t try to hide the fact she was from Central Manitoba’s finest city.

“It just seemed easier.  I looked at my son Daylon and he was wearing his Jets hat, so I just told the woman we were from Winnipeg.”

The white lie worked.  The family in front of them knew the Winnipeg Jets and that they were from Canada.

Mrs. Martens and her family did not realize the Roulette family, also from Portage, were just two groups behind them.  Seven-year-old Randy Travis-Roulette recognized the Martens and blurted out an innocent response.

“Little Randy heard me and wanted to correct me,” Martens said.

“You’re not from Winnipeg,” Randy Travis-Roulette screamed.  “You’re from Portage.”

The scene turned from friendly to uncomfortable as the family from Indiana questioned Martens on if she was telling the truth.

Martens’ new friends quickly distanced themselves once Mrs. Martens was unable to explain to her what a Portage la Prairie, Manitoba is and where it is situated in relation to Winnipeg.  The family from Indiana dismissed the Martens as frauds and went about their day doubting the integrity of all the other Canadians they met.

“It’s still way easier telling people you’re from Winnipeg,” Martens maintained.  “Next time I’ll look around to make sure there aren’t any other Portagers around.”

 

Notice to readers about this story and website being fictional and satirical.  Please don’t claim this or other stories are “fake news”.  Fake news is designed to mislead and what some call anything they disagree with.  Fiction and Satire are designed to entertain and make you laugh.  Those who can’t tell the difference should never visit this site again.

 

Photo: Julie, Dave & Family – https://www.flickr.com/photos/dave_minogue/

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“Pantses” & “Yous Guys” Among Local Phrases To Earn Grammar Exceptions

Portage la Prairie, MB –

“Yous guys” won’t be showing up in your grammar and spell check anymore thanks to a lobby effort headed by City Hall and local English teachers.

Many common phrases and local variances in word use flagged in spelling and grammar checks and have cost students valuable marks on essays and assignments for years.  By the time school starts in the fall many of those Portage nuances will be acceptable.

Pluralization issues have plagued Portagers for decades and the grammar exceptions bring needed relief.

Grammar snobs will no longer be able to disapprove of previously awkward and incorrect phrase “yous guys”.  These two-word will no be acceptable in the Portage la Prairie and Central Plains area.  Saying “Yous guys have a lot of work to do today,” will be spell check approved.

Also approved is the Portage plural version of pants.  “Pantses” will be acceptable as long as it is used in the context of describing several pairs of pants.  “I’m wearing pants today,” indicates one pair of pants.  “I bought three pair of pantses,” will be correct as it indicating more than one pair of pants.  For most Portagers the new correct use of pants and pantses will be intuitive.

“Anyways” is approved when used by itself or ending a phrase.  “I stopped at the vendor after work, anyways,” is an example of proper usage.  It can also be used as its own sentence; usually in response to something you’ve been told.  “I have five thousand dollars,” your friend says.  “Anyways.” Your response is used to imply you don’t totally believe the person.  You could also use “as if” as a response to achieve the same effect.

Similarly, the phrase “not even” has been okayed.  While this phrase is not always grammatically incorrect without the exception, it is now freed to use in any context.  Use of “not even” is so prevalent in Portage a blanket use exemption had to be made.

The word “warsh” has been permitted as an alternate for the word “wash”.

Another common Portage grammar issue is the phrase “get used to of it” being used in place of the more acceptable but still awkward “get used to it”.  Both versions will now be allowed but its adoption did raise the most protest.

Other, less serious, Portage speaking and writing issues will have to wait until next year to gain an exception.

For now you can freely say, “I better get used to of it when yous guys put all your pantses in the warsh, anyways.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer.  Click here to read about the fictional reality of this story and website.  

Photo: Alberta Advanced Education – https://www.flickr.com/photos/aaet/

Trump Offers Tactical Nuclear Weapon Solution To Oak Bay Crime Wave

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Where policing and diplomacy fail carpet-bombing always brings hope.

A deal to employ the military help of our American allies is in place thanks to the generosity of President Donald Trump and lobbying by Portage Conservatives dedicated to get tough on crime.

“The petty and serious crime has gotten out of control on Oak Bay lately,” leader of the lobby effort Ryan Allister said.  “We need to take a stand and send a clear message.”

At the suggestion of local residents, use of surplus tactical nuclear weapons from the United States Government became the obvious solution.

Initially, the group approached U.S. military officials in North Dakota but after seeing the idea on Twitter President Trump noticed and became involved.

Trump officials and local lobbyist quickly got the deal done and weapons are now available.

“I’m very proud of these Canadians,” President Trump said.  “The crime there is out of control, up a thousand per cent.  This bomb will make a huge impact on crime.  It will be huge.  Incredible.  Amazing.”

A U.S. military strike force will deliver the weapon in coming days and the surgical nuclear strike should raise the bay without creating much collateral damage.

“We looked at using a larger bomb that would eliminate the entire north-east corner of town but thought would be too drastic,” Allister said.  “The target will be limited to Oak Bay for now but we do have the option to use more devices if the first attack doesn’t eliminate crime.”

“I think if the Canadian plan works, it’ll be tremendous,” President Trump indicated.  “There are some bad hombres up there.  We don’t want to build another wall.  If it works we’ll start bombing parts of American cities.  It’ll be amazing, I guarantee.”

The bombing will take next week and while residents are encouraged to stay indoors, if residents plan to view the bombing they must use welding glasses to protect their eyes from the blast.

Radioactive fallout will be most noticeable in the neighbouring streets of Spruce Bay and Poplar Bay but officials point out Oak Bay should be inhabitable again in 4-500 years.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – this story is not real.  It is fiction.  It is satire.  Might be funny.

Photo: Gaspard – https://www.flickr.com/photos/60969081@N00/

Ambulance Ride To Town & Miracle Get Woman To Bingo On Time

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Evelyn Peters was home alone in the R.M. of North Norfolk wondering how she was going to get to bingo when she had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital instead.

“I was on Facebook trying to get someone to take me to town for bingo when I suddenly got dizzy and had lots of pain,” Peters said.

The woman quickly dialed 911 and an ambulance arrived within 30 minutes.  She was taken to Portage hospital with what she believed to be life-threatening symptoms.

“For sure I was having a heart attack and stroke,” Peters explained.  “My whole world was ending.  I thought I was going to die.”

EMS responders brought Peters to Portage and wheeled her into the E.R. room on a stretcher.

“I was screaming, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die.  I need morphine.”  It was in this desperate moment when a miracle happened.

“When I looked into the face of the nurse who saw me first I knew I was going to be okay,” Peters said.

“She looked just like my dead grandfather who passed away tragically a year ago.  It was like his spirit was there with me telling me he would save me.”

The nurse’s resemblance to Peters’ grandfather, Eugene Peters had a supernatural effect on Peters and she claims to be healed in that moment.

“I believe God heard my prayers and sent my grandpa to save me,” Peters offered.  “I instantly got better and I was able to get off the stretcher.”

After a brief examination by doctors, Peters was given a clean bill of health and discharged with just enough time to make it to bingo via a shuttle.

“When something that powerful happens you better pay attention,” Peters said.  “I knew grandpa and God wouldn’t want me to waste that good luck.”

Fortunately, Peters brought her purse and lucky bingo dabbers and had time to grab a shuttle, hit the drive-thru for something to eat.

Although she didn’t win the blackout jackpot, she still feels grateful for how her day turned out.

“I thought fate was going to be on my side tonight but I only won two small pots,” Peters said.  “I guess I should be happy to have my health, and I am but I really wanted to win the blackout pot.”

Peters has been able to recover quickly from rides to the E.R.  three other times in the past to make it to bingo the same night but this is the first time she claims to have been healed on arrival to the hospital.

“If I hadn’t met my grandpa’s spirit and got that miracle there is no way I could have got to bingo in time,” Peters said.  “I was pretty lucky I guess.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so don’t get all upset and thinkin’ its real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded and odd friends.

Photo: Andrew Skudder – https://www.flickr.com/photos/skuds/

City Hall Bell Used In Hunger Games Inspired Game Show Shot At Island Park

Portage la Prairie, MB

Contestants are hoping the odds will ever be in their favour as they battle to the death to see who will win new kitchen appliances, luggage, airfare for two to Vancouver and $10,000 in cash.

The groundbreaking concept will not only be the first Canadian game show to involve participants putting their lives on the line to win fabulous prizes but it will the first in the world.

Inspired by the best-selling science fiction books and movies, The Hunger Games, Ultimate Eliminations brings the future to the present.

A local highlight will be the setting of Island Park acting as the stadium for the game and the use of the newly renovated City Hall bell as the signal when a contestant is eliminated.

The bell will replace the cannon from the novel and movies and add a Portage flair local officials are excited about.

“With the death element in this reality game show, Ultimate Elimination will put Portage on the map,” city spokesperson Kenny Books said.  “The City Hall bell has always reminded me of AC/DC’s Hell’s Bells so the tie-in to the game show should work great.”

The production is not without controversy with critics suggesting reality TV may have gone to far with the killing of contestants.  Fans of reality shows like Big Brother, The Apprentice and The Voice see the inclusion of death as an element of the show as something fresh, and are looking forward to it.

“This is the next step in the evolution of reality based game shows,” producer Ryan Coke said.  “Viewers are getting bored with the traditional contests and elimination of contestants.  Having people’s lives on the line should drive ratings back to levels we saw when the reality genre first launched.”

CIPP-TV and American networks are banking on the show being a ratings bonanza but giving it a prime time Sunday night slot.

“We’re hoping families will come together and watch,” Coke said.  “Most kills will happen off-screen but we won’t shy away from showing the bodies after, followed by a 45 second memorial tribute at the end of each show.”

Island Park will be shut down to the public for a one-month period starting next week and the City Hall bell will be ringing randomly as game show participants are killed off.

The winning player will be named an honorary citizen of Portage and be given a canoe and the key to the city.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the story not being real.  Its fiction, who would believe a game show, would be shot in Portage, c’mon.  The story and site are satire, fictional and complete nonsense created for the enjoyment of folks with a good sense of humour.  Chill fam.

Photo: Lucy Maude Ellis – https://www.flickr.com/photos/lucymaude/

Police Get Upper Hand In Combatting Crime Wave

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Portage is calling in the cavalry to battle the wave of recent serious crimes.

Police will be patrolling the streets of Portage in a new iron horse this weekend that is armed to the max.

There will be no need to call in back up when the force’s new addition is on the clock.  The former U.S. Army tank will retain all its original armaments and our local force will have access to a 120mm cannon and 50mm machine gun.

Plans are to have the police tank armed during all patrols and the force will have the option to shoot first and ask questions later.

“We’ve seen a spike in serious crime involving guns and vehicles,” spokesperson Peter Froman said.  “We also have no rules for path users.  The increased demand for enforcement called for the investment.”

Funding for the tank will come from the city’s reserve fund and money already put aside for a north end park.  The used tank, deemed as surplus by U.S. military officials, did see action in the war in Iraq.

Portage has become a destination for criminals from around Manitoba and police hope this purchase will put and end to the trend.

“We don’t think we’ll be a crime destination once we get the tank on the streets,” Froman said.  “We feel we finally have the upper hand when it comes to barricade situations and vehicular chases.”

CIPP-TV did put calls in to area criminals for comment but none returned our messages by press time.  Unreliable sources indicate some mid to low-level organized crime gangs are looking at purchasing helicopter gun-ships like the Boeing Apache to regain the upper hand.

Police are hoping to offer ride-alongs in the new battle tank that include arming civilians with assault rifles and them taking a turn on the machine gun.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the fictional, satirical and ridiculous nature of this story and imaginary TV station that only exists on the internet.

Photo: U.S. Army public domain

Shart Week On CIPP-TV Portage la Prairie

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Too afraid of sharts to go into the water?

The City of Portage la Prairie and local, hit TV station CIPP-TV are teaming up to present a week-long marathon of programming documenting a frightening phenomenon, the shart.

2873215984_c1de83b174_bPrevalent in the region, sharts are a terrifying and all too common problem for Portagers.  Media juggernaut, CIPP-TV and the City of Portage are hoping to exploit this regional problem for ratings and tourism gains.

Production crews have been working for months to create a week’s worth of programming dedicated to telling the story of the shart.

Often misunderstood and feared, the shart first appeared thousands of years ago and has evolved and thrived in the Central Plains area.  Although they should be respected the reality is you are more likely to be seriously harmed by a mosquito than a shart.

520604226_9308d37efe_bHere is a list of these can’t miss episodes airing this week.

  • “Shart Lair” – see where sharts live.
  • “Sharts of Darkness” – some say they are a mere myth while others believe the largest and most impressive sharts live hidden in the dark and only come out at night while we sleep.
  • “Don’t go into the water” – a Portage man tells of his ill-timed shart incident and fouling of local pool.
  • “Shart Attack” – a collection of Portage’s most alarming shart encounters resulting in injury.
  • “Deuces are Wild” – sharts in the wild are caught in their natural habitat.
  • “Shart Body Language” – what does the physical makeup of a shart tell us.
  • “Sharts – Predators or Prey?” – while some sharts hunt others are eaten.
  • “Sharts of Different Colours” – sharts come in a rainbow of colours that can tell us a lot about the shart and the sharter.
  • “Sharts – Maneater of Myth” – what is real and what is legend in the world of sharts.
  • “Sharts of Crescent Lake” – sharts that lurk in and around Portage’s lake.
  • “Great Shart Hunt” – go along with some of the best shart collectors.
  • “Great White Sharts” – albino sharts are the most dangerous but thankfully the most rare.  Discover what you have to eat to get white sharts and what underlying health problems are at work.
  • “Shart Cage” – camer crews get up close and personal with a variety of sharts.
  • “Sharts of the Red Triangle” – where is the Red Triangle and how does it make sharts more aggressive.
  • “Blood in the Water” – when the shart hits the fan and messes with hemorrhoids.

Tune in 7pm-10pm all week-long on CIPP-TV Channel 116.

Notice to reader/disclaimer – this site and story are fictional – that means it’s not real.  You are real, well at least we think you are real but what you are reading is not.  Wait a minute, does that mean because you just read this you are fictional as well?  Hold on, I’m confused.

Headline Photo: Gui Siez – https://www.flickr.com/photos/guiseiz/

Body Photo: Kingdom For A Donkey – https://www.flickr.com/photos/akingdomforadonkey/

Body Photo 2: Brendan Gray – https://www.flickr.com/photos/grayskull/