Patrik Laine rollerblades in Amish country

Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 

The beard is weird, but it has gained notoriety and popularity as the Finnisher, Patrik Laine piles up the goals this NHL season.  During the current Winnipeg Jets road trip, Laine decided to strap on some rollerblades and visit the Amish farms around Lancaster Pennsylvania after being invited by local elders.

“We see Patrik as a role model for our young men,” Elder Isaac Stoltzfus said.  “Normally an Amish man would not grow a beard like Mr. Laine’s until after being wed, but we approve of Patrik’s beard.”

The Amish of Lancaster Pennsylvania are grateful Laine has made the Amish beard style trendy, relevant and more acceptable in the secular culture.

*Read About The Origins Of Patrik Laine’s Beard*

*Read About Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Trend To Care For Adult Children*

*Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

“We invited him to come spend the day with us and were excited he agreed,” Stoltzfus explained.  “We have several young women we’d like to introduce to Patrik as a possible wife for him.”

While in the Lancaster area, Laine strapped on the rollerblades and enjoyed the countryside to the delight of his Amish admirers.

“I’m not going to lie,” Laine said.  “I love all the beards and the Amish ladies are very cute but I don’t think I can accept their offer to join them.  I don’t mind the horse and buggy stuff but they don’t have Wi-Fi or electricity so I can’t play video games.  That is pretty much a deal breaker for me.”

Amish elders keen on seeing Laine join their flock said they would consider using electricity and the internet if it meant the Finnish hockey superstar would spend his summers among them.

“If Patrik found an agreeable Amish woman to be his wife we could see about adding electricity and Wi-Fi so he could join us,” Stoltzfus said.  “We don’t normally add worldly things like that to our farms but Patrik is special so we might consider it.”

Nikolaj Ehlers, Laine’s best friend on the Winnipeg Jets, was also invited to tag along.  Amish elders feel he has potential for Amish membership if he would embrace his beard more enthusiastically.

“Nik has a lot of appeal among the Amish ladies as well.  He might catch up to Patrik if he would let his beard grow longer,” Stoltzfus said.

Ehlers and Laine both enjoyed their time among their growing base of Amish fans and promised to visit them again.  Neither would comment on whether they found a suitable partner among the group of Amish women they met.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Darcy Johnson

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Amish and Mennonite fans go to see Patrik Laine play with the Jets in Philadelphia against the Flyers

Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

LANCASTER, PA – 

The most popular hockey player among Pennsylvania Dutch, Amish and Mennonite fans from the Lancaster area is playing in Philadelphia and highways are clogged with horse and buggies full of fans slowly making their way to the game.  Pennsylvania Highway 30 will be most affected by the increased traffic.

“We are cautioning regular motorists to be aware of delays and to avoid the area until this caravan of Patrik Laine fans make it to Philadelphia,” Highway Patrol Officer, John Wood warned.  “We’ve never seen this big of an Amish migration at one time before.”

Wells Fargo Centre will be a sea of black hats and white bonnets.  Amish and Mennonite fans from as far away as Lancaster and Harrisburg staring snapping up tickets last month. Demand became so high scalper could charge up to $1,500 per ticket to Saturday’s NHL game between the Winnipeg Jets and Philadelphia Flyers.  Many of the ticket buyers are opting to trade vast amounts of baked goods, blankets, quilts, eggs, live poultry and some pigs for tickets.

Normally after market tickets are sold online or near the rink but for this game, sellers are setting up roadside stands to exchange their seats for a variety of Amish and Mennonite goods.

After Patrik Laine scored a hat trick in New York a few days ago, many Amish men are hopeful they will be able to toss their iconic black hat onto the ice when they see their hero live in person.

“We have to go into town to watch the Jets games,” Jacob Beiler from Lancaster said.  “We love Patrik Laine.  The young single women adore his beard.  In many ways he has made all Amish men more desirable.”

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

*Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

To many Amish and Mennonite fans from Pennsylvania, the fact Winnipeg has embraced the beard wielding Finn, has them interested in re-locating to the Manitoba capital.

“Winnipeg must be some kind of wonderful place if an Amish looking kid like Patrik can be considered a hero,” Beiler said.  “Perhaps they would embrace us the same way.”

Before a mass migration begins, the Laine fans from Pennsylvania will enjoy seeing their favorite hockey player take on the home team.

Flyer team officials are scrambling to secure enough straw and hay to the wave of horses and buggies heading their way.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit: Bob M

The National Hockey League bans fighting for players and opens it up for fans

NHL Bans Fighting For Players, Opens It Up For Hockey Fans

NEW YORK, NY – Exclusive to “Get The Puck Out”

In a bold move to modernize the National Hockey League, Commissioner Gary Bettman announced starting next season fighting will be banned for players but measures will be put in place to allow fans to fight while attending games.

“Today we address two major issues for the National Hockey League,” Gary Bettman said.  “Player safety is paramount in light of what we know but mostly ignore about CTE.  Furthermore, our fans are demanding more from their NHL in-game experience, and to provide the ultimate fan engagement, we will be allowing select fans the chance to fight on behalf of their team during NHL contests.”

The League and Board of Governors are establishing the Fan Fury Festival in every NHL arena, an opportunity for fans to battle UFC style for their favourite team and take over the pugilism from the players.

“It no longer makes sound financial sense for our players, who are all multi-millionaires to put their bodies at risk of injury.  We have a pool of willing fans, who are worth far less than NHL players, wanting to put their health and safety on the line for the team,” Bettman explained.

A fighting cage will be retro-fitted in each rink to allow fans to fight in response to a dirty hit, a cheap shot, taunting, chirping or if their team is not playing well and needs a lift.  A fan representing each team will pay extra for the chance to fight and will be placed in the cage to duke it out in a ninety second match broadcast in-house on the scoreboard video screen as well as on NHL partner broadcasts.

Games will pause for the duration of the fight and the players will be encouraged to watch the fight on the centre ice screens and draw inspiration and energy from the battling fans.

“In today’s NHL, fans travel to road games more than ever,” Bettman offered.  “This will add a dynamic new element to the game and encourage more out-of-town visits from travelling fans, and a new level of interaction with the game, currently unheard of in professional sport.

Fans around the league are overwhelmingly positive about the announcement to move fighting off the ice and away from the players to the stands and amongst the fans.

“I can hardly wait to pay for the chance to punch a Flyers fan in the face,” Winnipeg Jets fan Benjamin Froese said.  “Home or away, it won’t matter to me.  I’d love to bloody that ugly orange jersey.”

“It only makes sense to protect performers making millions a year from hurting themselves in a fight when you have an abundance of low-life, low-value fans who can do it for them,” Toronto Maple Leafs fan Irving Wallace said.

“This is the best idea the NHL has ever had,” Montreal fan Claude Burns said.  “This takes the seventh man to a whole new level.  I can hardly wait until the Bruins come to town next year.”

Local team websites have been inundated with inquiries from fans wanting to know when they can sign up and pay for the new ultimate game experience.

“I’d pay you double what my season tickets are if you give me a chance to kick a Calgary Flames fan’s ass,” Edmonton Oiler fan Bernie Webber offered.  “I’d fight to help my team win, and so I could beat the crap out of somebody without getting arrested.”

Initial cost per round of Fan Fury Festival is rumoured to be $1,200 per participant but the NHL is waiting to gauge market reaction before setting ticket prices as high as possible but the totals will not be included in hockey related revenues.

“This will be a premium product offering, so it would make sense that it will carry a premium price,” Bettman warned.  “We never wanted to take fighting out of hockey so this is a great way to preserve the traditions of our great and storied league while advancing it into the future.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure, explanation and links to further legal notifications.  Basically they are there to make sure you understand this story and website are completely fictional and primarily satirical.  While the NHL, mentioned teams, and Gary Bettman are real the story and quotes are completely fictional, made up and perhaps funny and intended for the entertainment of the tens if not dozens of people who read this site on a daily basis.  Please don’t try to trick your friends on social media into thinking this is real as they may grow to distrust and dislike you when they tell their buddy at the game this idea is for real.  Most people will realize the NHL would never to anything this silly but for the rest of the people holding out for a cure for stupid we provide a long-winded and silly disclaimer.

Photo credit – Mark Mauno